Aspergers and Sexual Harassment

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MetalAspie
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12 Sep 2011, 2:35 pm

SadAspy wrote:

If a girl finds you attractive, she will be charmed no matter what you say.

If a girl finds you unattractive, she will be offended no matter what you say.

It isn't about Aspergers.

Exactly. The key part though is knowing for a fact that a girl thinks you're attractive without her actually saying so. Like the way she looks at you, way she talks to you, etc...

hans66
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15 Sep 2011, 3:12 am

MetalAspie wrote:

The key part though is knowing for a fact that a girl thinks you're attractive without her actually saying so. Like the way she looks at you, way she talks to you, etc...

I do notice the way she talks or looks, but because I often made mistakes with interpreting, she has to spell it out. If she doesn't, I will think she likes to flirt, or talking in a seductive way, without actually finding attractive or wanting more than just talking and looking. For me there isn't more than I am seeing now.

Philpm930
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03 Mar 2013, 1:21 pm

Ai_Ling wrote:

What is the name of this book I'm looking for a good book on social rules! Thank you.

Tyri0n
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03 Mar 2013, 1:53 pm

Ai_Ling wrote:

So I was reading a book that was guide for aspies going to college. When I read the dating section, it was directed mostly towards male aspies and basically 80% of it was heavily emphasizing about not being a stalker, sexual harasser, creeper, etc. I was amazed, it was more a about not being a creep vs learning how to navigate the dating world.

While being on here, i get the impression that female aspies are at high risk for sexual harassment because they cant read the social signals of a sexual predator.

So...

aspie males = high risk for being a sexual harasser??
aspie female = high risk for being a sexual victim??

Im female aspie and well lets just put it this way. If I were an aspie guy doing some of the stuff to NT females that ive done to NT males. Umm...I would have gotten a restraining order at the least. So I guess I fall under the category of stalker, creep, etc. No Ive never attempted to give a guy unwanted sexual attention so that disqualifies me to sexual predator.

Edit #1: Just a tip for u aspie males who dont want to be branded as a creep. Make efforts not to dress in a way which women might perceive u as a creep. For example, if you have long hair and wear leather jackets, steel toed boots and is slightly overweight. Chances are you are gonna be perceived as a creep. If you dont know if u dress like a creep, ask a friend or family member for some critique. Remember: geeky is better then creepy

Aspie men are at risk for being victims of male-on-male sexual harassment.

I don't think aspie males typically harass anyone. But psychopathy is often misdiagnosed as Asperger's, so maybe that's the source of the reputation.

Creepy stalkers are just creepy stalkers. It has nothing to do with Asperger's at all. I know one, and he's actually just a socially inept NT (so, basically, pretty f*****g stupid since he's worse than some aspies in spite of not having their disadvantages).

ShamelessGit
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03 Mar 2013, 10:27 pm

Probably the reason the book focused on women being victims and men being creeps is that people instinctively see women ans weak and not able to take care of themselves. This sort of stuff comes up every time a gender difference is discussed, even if men are actually more likely to be victims in that particular case. Although I think in this case it might be true that not knowing how to read or give off nonverbal signals would cause women to receive unwanted attention, whereas it causes guys to not receive much attention at all.

People are stupid and think with their emotions almost all the time, even when they are supposed to be objective. I think basically everything is BS that is not tied directly to math somehow.

Azureth
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Joined: 3 Mar 2013
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04 Mar 2013, 3:30 am

I have this exact problem. I've been told that I'm "weird" and "creepy" and I just don't know why. Conversing with girls is excruciatingly difficult for me

Tyri0n
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04 Mar 2013, 1:16 pm

Azureth wrote:

I have this exact problem. I've been told that I'm "weird" and "creepy" and I just don't know why. Conversing with girls is excruciatingly difficult for me

Post some pictures. I became an expert in the "creep" department when I struggled with on-campus interviews last fall after SSRI's caused me to relapse into childhood autism, which had formerly been in something like remission. I talked to many different alumni of my school all over the country and had an entire spread sheet of feedback put together on specific social things that turn people off. Being a top student, I got 30 interviews and blew all of them. After I fixed my issues, I did 4 more and went 4-1. That 1 actually likely would have offered me too but for unforeseen circumstances.

It's highly likely that, if you were to post a picture, it would be very easy to determine what the problem is. Or PM one if you want.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, but I'm a firm believer in being proactive about problems that occur in one's life rather than blaming others. If you have the same problems everywhere, the problem is you, not others; them majority is rarely wrong. So quit blaming others.

And I know what it's like. I was nonverbal at one point in my life. It hardly gets any more "lower functioning" than that.

mikassyna
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04 Mar 2013, 2:25 pm

I had an unfortunate thing occur about 8 years ago. After I was dx'ed with AS, my husband told me that when he and I first started dating, we went to a party together where I met the host's (his friend's) brother at a party--who also had AS. He described him, his awkwardness, etc., and I vaguely remembered the incident. The guy came up to me saying he enjoyed my poetry, and I misread his intentions and was rude to him, thinking he was a creep trying to hit on me (while my future husband was right next to me and this was his friend's brother--duh?)

So, here is me today with Egg All Over Face.

Cafeaulait
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04 Mar 2013, 6:07 pm

It's interesting to read that many girls with AS are easily sexually harassed.

I personally don't feel like I would ever get harassed because I am quite mistrusting of people when I first meet them and I am also not that quick with having sex or kissing a boy. Perhaps it's because my mom always tought me to be modest and prudish, and to not trust people to quickly.

Cafeaulait
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04 Mar 2013, 6:09 pm

MetalAspie wrote:

I feel like one of the reasons aspies are so prone to sexual harassment is because they can't make the distinction between flirting/joking around and sexual harassment. Aspies will watch neurotypical people to learn how to socialize, but most of the time they'll misinterpret what they do, and try to emulate them but it comes out wrong... Like they'll see guys putting their arms around girls or pulling the "kind of an as*hole" card to flirt with them, but in order to do that there needs to be that mutual attraction, and you need to be close enough with them as friends so that they know not to take it seriousley.

For example, theres a kid at my school with autism, and theres really cute blonde girl whos kind of like the "social butterfly" of the dorms. Most guys who shes close with will greet her by whistling or saying "Ow owww", but its ok because theres that unspoken mutual understanding. Of coarse, when he tries to emulate it, it comes off as sexual harassment. Like when he saw her walking back to her dorm in a towel and he said "Hey baby, how bout a preview?". Yeah. Not okay. Lol.

You've explained it very well

Stalk
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05 Mar 2013, 3:21 am

As a rule, I have told female acquaintances from work, that I do not ever engage in flirting or approaching of women at work. I know that I can never ever get it right. The risk is simply too high and get pushed into sexual harassment bracket. I will probably end up losing my job, probably end my career. I'm surprised to read that some people on here recommend that you try to get with women from work. In a way it makes sense, because those are the people you are familiar with but... on the other hand if it goes wrong. Maybe they should imply that you do this at the volunteering, or your 3 months training, or any job where you do not work that long for.

The_Face_of_Boo
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05 Mar 2013, 4:14 am

Quote:

Im female aspie and well lets just put it this way. If I were an aspie guy doing some of the stuff to NT females that ive done to NT males. Umm...I would have gotten a restraining order at the least. So I guess I fall under the category of stalker, creep, etc. No Ive never attempted to give a guy unwanted sexual attention so that disqualifies me to sexual predator.

That's purely a gender bias thing and not AS/NT issue.

Even among NTs, females do stuff (bold flirting, touching ..etc) that would be socially considered stalking, obsession, pervert and sexual harassment if they were males. Fact is, most males are more tolerant to such pursuing behaviors unless if the female is explicitly grabbing their balls for example, then...maybe.... MAYBE he would issue a sexual harassment lawsuit but if he's single and finds her sexually attractive then chances he would go with the flow.

Do you remember the sarcastic video I've posted about the subjectivity of sexual harassment? I think it applies more on the males than the females; meaning it's the males who are more subjective to judge whether an action is sexual harassment or not depending on how attractive he finds her, it applies on girls too but in a much lesser extent.

You should know that all women have the fear of rape, so they wouldn't take a risk by not stopping a guy who might be a potential rapist, guys often don't have this fear except for the males who were sexually assaulted by a female before.

If for example, a girl is sending 100 unsolicited texts/messages/emails to a guy and if the guy doesn't want anything from her and just find her annoying, chances that he would just block her everywhere without reporting her. Genders reversed, chances that the girl would block him everywhere and report him.

The_Face_of_Boo
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05 Mar 2013, 4:36 am

Stalk wrote:

Wise thing, males in particular should be very careful in flirting especially at work.

If a woman tells a guy "you have a nice chest", there's a 99% chance that the guy wouldn't make an issue of it and would take the flirt as a positive compliment, same phrase to be said from guy to a woman and there's a huge chance that she would taking it as a sexual offense and things would escalate negatively, even if the guy is returning the chest compliment.

Each gender is... a different WORLD - aspie males in particular should be careful in recognizing the differences between the two worlds and what are the boundaries/fears of each.

Thanks goodness that our species have evolved only to two genders and not more.

Philpm930
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05 Mar 2013, 6:01 am

I've learned that girls will lie to get there way in a case like this which is sicking. I've seen them do it to other as. Besides is there a way to get the social boundaries for girls? Truthfully advice for an as be super careful around girls.

BanjoGirl
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05 Mar 2013, 6:47 am

SadAspy wrote:

If a girl finds you attractive, she will be charmed no matter what you say.

If a girl finds you unattractive, she will be offended no matter what you say.

It isn't about Aspergers.

It isn't about women either.

If a man finds you attractive, he'll listen to you and he'll smile at you.

If a man finds you unattractive, he will ignore you, sometimes in a very rude way because he doesn't want to lose time talking to a woman that he considers "plain" or "ugly".

It is about "lack of good manners", a lot of people don't have good manners, they only think in a sexual way.

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I don't use English since September 2007.

BrightEyed
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10 Mar 2013, 12:16 am

emilieTomorrow wrote:

In college, I was assaulted at a couple parties. They were six months apart because that's how long it took my roommate to convince me to go to another one after the first time it happened. And it took me a while to realize that this was actual assault. I could not believe that it happened. I wasn't raped. I should say that. I was fondled and did not consent to it nor appreciate it. I didn't even know the people who did it. Never saw them before in my life OR SINCE! I say to just stay away completely from the social scene in college. Just do your studies, make your grades, push ahead and get graduated. You don't need "the college experience".

I had a relationship that ended up like that and I cut him out after like a week and a half flat.
Don't tend to like it when people say "you should've spoke up" when things like that happen I think it's harder for Aspie's to feel okay with asserting themselves because of processing as well as for WOMEN being conditioned with the expectations to want such things (mind you in a healthy relationship).

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