im new here and need help from aspies and nts..
Hello everyone. My name is suzanne. Im an nt. Im 30 years, single, never married and no children. Im curently in a masters of social work program. I have my bachelors in social work and have worked with clients with aspergers. Now that you have some background ill explain why i came to you all for help...
I have been aquantences with a 30 year old man for a year. Over the past two to three months i have been spending more time with "james" in groups and more recently one on one. I am not a dr. But i have a strong feeling james has aspergers or pdd-dos.
With that being said, i have developed a strong attraction physically, emotionally, and mentally to him. I love him as a friend but am interested in more. I believe james has done an excellent job of fitting in socially with his peers but many of my friends have made ignorant comments such as that he is gay bcause he doesnt date even though girls flirt with him, strange for being quiet, and odd for talking mostly about music and fitness. It was just recently when i spent more alone time with james that i noticed the symptoms of a pervasive disorder. I was able to fish around in conversation for topics he felt comfortable talking about. When i speak to james about girs he often blushes and says "i dont know".
Here is my problem i need help with.. im not sure he knows he has a pervasive disorder. As a mental health worker i know how to professionally speak with people with a PDD but as a
friend (a friend wishing to be more than friends) i am not sure if i should ask him if he has been t previously diagnosed. Please help.
My next question is since i have developed feelings for him and would like to find out if he is attracted to me how do let him know and findout? I have a sincere suspicion he has never had a girlfriend before since he avoids giving me a direct answer.
Me:"James, have you ever had a girlfriend?"
James:"ive done all right"
My second question is given that james may not know he has a PPD and i am thinking avoids dating out of not knowing how to act or a bad past experience of approaching a girl.. without scarying him off?
Last edited by suzieqq on 27 Mar 2013, 10:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
So i should out right tell him i wish we could be more than friends even if he might freak out due to lack of experience with girls?
And is it wise to ask him if he knows if he has a pervasive disorder? Will he be embarassed?
I guess what i am asking from aspies is if you wete james how would you react to both topics?
If I didn't have wikipedia ready on hand I wouldn't have known what PDD was. You can always ask him to go with you somewhere, basically ask him out. From what I have read here and experienced myself. If the woman didn't make the first move I would never have gotten anywhere. It has to be obvious, you will have to lead and make it feel safe and ok to approach you. I honestly would never know when it is socially correct or embarrassing when to ask someone out.
And is it wise to ask him if he knows if he has a pervasive disorder? Will he be embarassed?
I guess what i am asking from aspies is if you wete james how would you react to both topics?
Uhm, it'd probably be better to ask "Have you ever been diagnosed previously?" first. That's not really an off-topic discussion. You're a social worker. That information is relevant to your work and it's not really personal compared to any of the other topics that get talked about with social workers.
As far as the relationship, yeah, basically. I have a hard time figuring out when girls like me or not. I didn't know a girl was hitting on me until she wrote her phone number down on a piece of paper for me. I'm that dense. So yes, saying "I'd like to be more than friends" would probably be apt. I mean, he could say "no" to you, also. I kinda doubt it, but it's a possibility. But generally, I have a hard time trying to connect the dots with anyone I feel for. I don't know how normal people make the transition besides going and having an awkward conversation of "I'd like to be more than friends" or something like that. The only concern I'd have for you would be any consequences from your employment if you were to try to start a relationship with him.
Good luck!
I think you have two distinct issues here that you should account for distinctly.
The first thing I would warn you about is that if he does not know that he is on the spectrum, he may not trust anyone or have any experience at all trusting anyone. That is likely your first hurdle and it may be persistent. According to Cicero, friendship requires the ability to lie for each other. Friendship can be an enormous hurdle for an Aspie. This you must overcome first.
Don't hint, use sarcasm or innuendo. These will cause confusion and mistrust. Don't allow your friends to tease or bully him. He can likely stick up for himself by himself but will never do so with your friends as he will always see himself as lowest on the pecking order and will not want to open you up to bullying and teasing.
I would start with the girlfriend issue first. Once I was diagnosed (at age 40 I am 43 today), I took a HUGE confidence hit. If I had known that I was Autistic before I asked my wife to marry me I never would have done so. At least, I would have taken several more years to gain back enough confidence to ask. I have been married now for seven years.
My wife and I got together for years as friends before our first kiss. She is an awesome cook and I like to eat. That was the first ice breaker. We both like movies and I have a huge collection (I do not go into theaters), so we started getting together for dinner and a movie at home (no groups). We talked. We both like fishing so we started fishing together. She didn't tease me or belittle me when I got the car stuck at the lake. I don't tease or belittle her when she gets cold when it starts snowing and we are fishing.
We had adventures as friends and that built up trust and confidence in each other. This allows me to reasonably (as opposed to intuitively) empathize with her. She had stated that was interested but waiting for the right man/time. I trusted her and knew that she was waiting for me to be ready.
I had to reach a point where I was confident that I would not seriously offend her by being me. This is not to say that I don't make social errors. I had to reach a point where I trusted her enough to react well when I make them.
When I was ready, I asked if I could kiss her. She said yes and I did and it worked out.
Asking to kiss her is a HUGE turn off for many women. It would be considered a massive social blunder to not just know when the time is right. I had to know that she could get past it and do the right thing for us despite the question. She did. She kissed me back.
Trust takes time. For those who have been bullied for making social errors, it can take a long time. You need significant trust before you broach the subjects of sex or feelings or PDD.
Take your time. Build a friendship based on trust first.
If romance ever happens, it will be worth the wait. If not, the friendship will be worth the time.
That was a terrific answer and what you said makes sense. Thank you for giving me a straight answer. I like people to be blunt, informative, and honest whuch is why i have attraction for james. I will take my time and i think holding hands will be my first step and i will ask him first before i do it. I am in no rush and it may take weeks or months to get to that point of holding my hand but hes worth it.
I suggest that you have a peer give you an opinion on the ethics of having a relationship with the former client. Generally speaking, if the knowledge or experience you have with an individual who is been a client puts them at any disadvantage, then you shouldn't get involved. And, if there is any chance that you might end up therapeutically involved with him in the future, then you need to decide either to not get involved with him at all, or recluse yourself doing any therapeutic work with him whatsoever. If you're a friend, then you need to refer him for any diagnostic worker therapy. At this point, if you think he needs help, you probably should suggest that he sees someone else.
I worked as a consultant for years and traveled quite a bit. Many times, I became friends with coworkers. I became involved with two former coworkers after my consulting engagements had ended. However, I was called back to one of my clients for further work, which made for a potentially klutzy situation. So, even though there was no real ethical issue involved, as a practical matter, I would never do that again.
I apologize. Let me be more clear. I worked with adults on the spectrum over two years ago. I did not know james until last year. He has never been my client and i still do not believe he has been diagnosed. I have not brought up the subject of him more than likely having aspergers. I have read some books on aspergers last week and all signs still point towards him having it. Reguardless, i have an update since my last post. First of all, a women i know had been throwing herself at james two years ago for about 9 months before he kissed her. At one point she admitted kissing james on the neck in which he did nothing in response. Then after he kissed her one night she told me( two days ago)he was ackward with kissing and very very nervous and unsure of how to proceed. In conclusion, give the other evidence of james's social behavior and fixation with interests i decided to take a chance and ask him a straight question.
Me:"james are you attracted to me"
James:"yeah, you're attractive"
James:"play bass guitar"
I was a bit confused by his response but he abruptly said he was tired and going to bed so i chose to accept what he said at the moment and say good night.
James plays bass guitar and i just started learning a few months ago before i found myself attracted to james.
Does anyone know based on some of your reactions in "meaningful" situations if it sounds like he is interested or just being polite by saying im attractive. It seems like he avoided the question a bit.