Aspies in sucessful realtionships - how'd you do it?

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I had a chance to go out to lunch yesterday, I was invited by a coworker, which suprised me somewhat becasue he had told me "We should do lunch sometime" but I never expected him to follow through on it.

Well, he is 21 and engaged to be married, I got to meet the would-be wife as we went into the restaraunt. Naturally being saturday, the restaraunt was crowded which put me a little on edge and I was spaced out quite a bit during lunch, but so much so that I was able to observe them in action and share dormitory stories with my co-workers fiance since we both lived in dorms last school year. While that was

But watching the future couple interact, there seemed to a certain amount of "finesse" present in the way they interacted with each other. Everything from the way they talked and moved and touched each other seemed to be timed perfectly and done with pure and calculated intent, not to mention they would lock onto each others eyes at a dangerously close distance of ~12 inches.

The best I could ever managed with a female was to sit there at the table with my hands clapsed together with my eyes staring down at my plate, myself being afraid to try and lock onto another pair of eyes due to the discomfort I feel from it.

How does anyone, let alone us on the spectrum even manage to fall into relationships when we lack many of the necessary skills to acomplish such?

I was in a relationship for 10 years until 2003. Basically we had a few years of happiness, and then things deteriorated. I don't think this is uncommon even for NTs.

For the first few years I spent a lot of time being devoted to my partner. We had a lot in common - both working on a PhD in psychology, interested in music, liked the same outdoor activities, liked cats. I got her interested in collecting and she still collects fountain pens and tarot cards.

We fought a lot but also tried really hard to connect. I didn't know I had Asperger's. She thought I was rigid, especially when it came to touch. She was aware that I was using her for social interactions I couldn't do, but I think we both thought it was because I'm black.

We broke up because I asked for more in the way of intimacy (go figure!). We had gotten to the point where the only time we spent together was at conferences.

In the process of breaking up I dated a woman in whose arms I felt peace. She was not interested in me; she was using me to make someone else jealous.

I have dated one person since then and tried to explain Aspergers to her, but she doesn't get it. She thinks I am doing what I do on purpose. At this point I can't imagine dating someone who doesn't understand me. I am highly ambivalent because I like my alone time so much. I think what I may do is try to find someone whose schedule of alone time nearly approximates mine, or who can take turns with me being flexible about it.

Today I am lonely. Tomorrow I might not be. If I need some touch, I will make a nest in my house and sleep there tonight. If it gets worse I'll cry. But I WILL wait. Because I have been in the arms of someone who smelled and felt good, and there was peace. I am determined to find one like that.

Sounds like she was of the super NT strain. Theroy of mind seems to be an issue for them also, in a sense that they can't understand how people could not have social skills and would probably commit suicide if forced to live in our shoes.

During my retrospective phase in the fall of 2002 I would often confide in a super NT working with us about my situation.

Don't people just amaze you!



From your past posts I am not surprised! What do you
do that is representing this spacing out?



Hmmmmm? What were some of these dormitory stories?
Do share-Hmmm-Unnnnn-Hmmmmmm? Young-Aspie-Jedi!



Ah! my friend the difference between love and lust! explained!



For you this may be close! but remember the eye's reveal intent
and the soul! This is why your friend is demostrating the physical
attributes of love, not lust! Lust is quick, impersonal and
little soul-to-soul eye contact. Ooooh! the guilt you experience
in a casual lust by actually Ohhhhouhhhhhh! shutter!! ! connecting!



I cannot offer advice on how to find love! Love finds you!
But I can offer some insight into the fact that love see's
no obstacles and this connected movement is without prejudice!



Quite difficult for some, quite easier for others. I can only speak
for myself. I let my natural energies do the charm. I often
found those willing to brave a scarry person like me are often
brave souls like myself! The eye contact and sexual contact
are equaled. They both have the same connectedness
once the physical and eye contact connectedness is made.

You, my friend scoots! Will be found by someone looking
for sincerity and honesty. Not a easy recipe, but this
is a humbling person to whom will seek a humbling person.

The eye contact may not be natural, and if there is a physical
contact(sex) you will find you may not be so expressive
as the average NT. But it is your sincerity that will prevail,
and the how you are accepted for your interaction will
be a natural adaption you and your partner will meet
eye(shudder!) to eye(shudders again).

I hope this is of some help???????


Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

P.S....I will see you soon after I leave Reno, as well as BeeBee
and Pyraxis!

I find this interesting! I was in one for 10years
until 2000.



For me the sex was great. She was 37 and I was 24. She
already did the "I got married and kids thing" and wanted
some Libra (Air) to fan her Aries (fire)! I was playing
piano by ear at Baycon 1990 and she and I met, we had
sex the same day, and if there were soul mates, she knew
somehow we would meet. It was the music(I play sounds
of my heart) that drew her to me.

By the 5th year, she started to go back to school to
be a teacher. By the 10th year, it was inevitable that
she was making changes in her life, and she de-ghosted
me from her life. I can see how people can move on
relationship wise and sexually as they evolve.



I agree this followed our path as well!




I got her into metaphysics and she was a willing
sex magic! partner. Sex magick is the invocation
of energies through the most natural energy force.
She got into candles a bit, and I turned her onto
older comics for here then 8year old son and when
she left he would have been 18. I still have pictures
of her and her kids. I never met them though.



Hmmmmm? please explain why your color had to do
anything with this? I don't see the racial barrier a issue
in the current day! When did you find out you had
aspergers informally?

Hmmmmm? let's see 25 age when you met her? 35
is you current age. I am 39.



Ah! Yesssss! I can completely agree on this sign of
the END! Sorry this had such a ending!



Ah! yes! sounds like fire needs flame to inspire.
Been there!



Join the club! Sigh!



Same here!



A ideal situation I haven't found yet!



Good luck! as I also wish myself luck, we are in the same
boat! HMMMMMMMM? Sigh!

Ghosthunter

You amaze me sometimes ghosthunter. Your insight is only matched by your experience.

have you recieved my PM? I look forward to possibility of you swinging by my way sometime this summer..

I am flattered, but remember I am one of instinct.
I too have flaws. I have come to realize my
HFA'ness in a natural state can be dangerous
to me emotionally as well! But otherwise
creature of instinct! I hope to see you soon!

Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

I think that any relationship that an aspie is in, but especially a romantic one, is going to be very different that a similar relationship where all involved are NT. I don't think you can look at your friend's relationship and just say "I can't do that" because a relationship you would be in would be completely different(and that's not a bad thing)

So, yeah, basically I agree with Ghosthunter and I'm not nearly so eloquent

Hmmmmm? I am not able to grasp this eloquent statement?
Otherwise, I hope both you(mockingbird) and I(Ghosthunter)
have helped Scoots somehow.

Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

What do you mean?

Hmmmmmm? Maybe it means nothing important
but it did confuse me in the sentence context!

No, I think you are eloquent. You say things in ways that make me think about them in new and different ways and I think your version of the phone book would be interesting!!

So here's a somewhat different variation for you...

My wife and I met when I was 15 and she was 14. She has become very confident, outgoing and assertive as an adult, but at 14 she was very insecure and unsure of herself. We were both from Mormon families, and I had learned to gain approval from my parents and other adults by being the perfect child in every possible way. So I was a good student, talented musician, and devoutly religious. The academics and music were just my natural interests and happened to impress my parents and my future wife. The religious devotion was due primarily to a terrible fear of my dad's disapproval. I actually was sort of popular my last couple of years of high school, but only because this was in Provo, Utah where traditional values rule and being a good student who stays out of trouble is regarded as a good thing. People wanted to be my friend not because of who I was, but because I kept up an image that they wanted to associate themselves with. People dragged me off to various social activities and I just tried to play along and do whatever I saw them doing.

Diane (now my wife of 20 years) was very impressed and decided I was just what she was looking for. At the time she was the first real friend I had ever had. I had been out on one date with a girl who basically dragged me into a "relationship" without me having any idea what was going on, and when my social clulessness became obvious, she dumped me. With Diane we truly became best friends, which was a wonderful thing for both of us. My detailed, analytical approach to understanding things was actually a real asset at the time because she was trying to figure out a lot of things in her life (mostly conflicts with parents) and I was able to really help her with that.

We got married when I was 21, and immediately started cranking out kids (it's a Mormon thing, we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into). Over the years Diane has gotten more and more frustrated that simple things like telling her I love her or buying gifts throw me into a total, confused panic. She has grown into a confident, assertive, and VERY socially adept NT adult. I'm really good at fitting in socially (for limited amounts of time) as long as I don't have to involve my actual emotions, and I can avoid having to talk to more than 1 or 2 people at a time. But expressions of love and affection hit way too close too home, and I can't fake it and do thing the way other people expect. It has to be real or not at all. And real has not been at all satisfactory for my wife. Being real at a teenage level worked very well for both of us, but she has grown up to have a very sophisticated social intuition, and I still feel like a confused teenager in most social situations.

We left the Mormon church 7 years ago, and since that point honesty has really begun creeping into our relationship. She had no idea to what extent I have faked nearly every social interaction in my life, and it has been difficult for her to grasp. The real pain started about 2 years ago and at first she thought it was the usual male mid-life crisis stuff (which it was, but with lots of complications). She was actually the one that had heard about AS and told me it kind of seemed to fit me, (and all 5 of our kids to some extent). She has vented about years of being embarrased by my behavior in front of our friends, and her frustration with my lack of expressions of tenderness. I have countered that I have been the most devoted husband and father imaginable and I really don't know what else she could possibly want from me. I do things for her all the time to show my love and I can't understand why that doesn't seem to mean anything to her. What she wants is to hear it in words, or see it demonstrated in the RIGHT kind of actions. Knocking myself out financially supporting a large family (and putting her through college now) is much appreciated, but not romantic.

We are actually coming to understand each other little by little, and in the end, neither of us wants to lose the friendship that we have. We're going to have kids at home for another 10 years or so, and we want to raise them together. But it is amazing to me that up until the last couple of years when I finally hit the breaking point and started insisting that I be heard on my terms, she truly believed that everything was wonderful and that she just needed to make a few minor adjustments in my behavior for everything to be perfect. Now she looks at me like some sort of alien creature, but also realizes that I have devoted my life to taking care of her and our kids and that she actually loves who I am.

The real twist is that we are now in an open relationship. For those of you not familiar with this concept, it means that we agree that pursuing secondary relationships on the side is OK as long as it is honest and all out in the open. This was actually my idea because I am generally much more comfortable in friendships with women than with men, and I wanted to be free to have female friends without all the jealousy and suspicion that such a situation has always entailed. So she has dated several other men in the last 2 years, and has come to realize that what she really wants is someone very much like me. And I have learned that I still feel like a confused 16 year old when it comes to "romance" in the NT world, but with practice I could at least learn to play the role resonably well. And that would actually make my wife very happy. I have also learned that the idea of jumping into emotional or physical intimacy without out lots ot time and reassurance along the way still scares the hell out of me and causes me to freeze up and go emotionally numb.

I have had one intimate realtionship with another woman last year, and she had also come from an emotionally abusive Mormon family, so we had a lot of similar background experiences to get the realtionship started. But now that we have explored each others emotional bagge together, we have settled into just being friends.

What I really long for at this point (as a secondary relationship) is to be understood with all my quirks. Reading other people's experiences on this BB has actually been a big step in that direction.

And Thankyou for the compliment!
I find your sincereity a great attribute
and greatly makes you you!

Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

Hmmmm? Love at first sight? or enemies
turned to friends scenerio.

If you look at Highschool perspectives you
will see the oppostie personalities that disliked
each other windup getting married more often!



The teenage years are awkward in Who am I?
What am I? How do I.....?????????



Do you live in Utah? That is the only mormon
place I can think of!



Hmmmm? Is that a mormon thing or one
of your family requirements without a
religious undertone?







Hmmmm? I was getting this impression, but
didn't want to offend you if I were wrong!






Hmmmmm? It is normal for children to partially
assimulate their envirement. This would be a
progressive and natural step....Hmmmmmm?
BUT....!



Hmmmmmm! "Social Mimicking" is a very common
trait in Aspergers, but in HFA it is highly improbable
since the HFA'r isn't capable of it! I envey the fact
you were able to do it! There was a forum once
in this site on it, and it is subltly implied in
statements.



Hmmmm? How did you meet?????????
How did she become aware of this feeling
from you?



Hmmmmm! Now we are getting somewhere!

What was it you weren't doing with the others
that you were able to do with her???????????



Either Teenage nieveness or Aspergers, neither one
is out of the ordinary in this description!



very good! Using one's gift to help others, God-Bless!



No offense, This next statement is not targeted at you!

"The blind shall lead the blind" and "Ignorance is Bliss"
Bahhhhh! Bahhhhh!



HMmmmmmm? Ok!.......!




Ok!.....!



Hmmmmm? Aspergers since you implied a
perfect(not flawed one like myself) image.



Hmmmmm?...Slight dramatic pause......."I cannot
tell a lie" is a common Autistic trait. I don't mean
white lies! At what point and age did your social mimicking
fail you???????



Like I said, lying to one be it emotionally,
or physically is lying to yourself!



I can understand this. I am like a kid myself. I may
be 39 but that is just a number. The decline of any
relationship is when the sex, and communication
become routine, and thus you are being obligitory,
not sincere. This is the peak of the decline
and awareness of "WE NEED TO TALK TO MAKE THIS
WORK". I am assuming you are still married and this
phase was successful, so please don't be offended
by my bluntness! I am trying to help by understanding
the situation!



Hmmmmm? Ok.....!



Hmmm? So I take it you explained this AS thing
to her??????



Ah! Alas! By Watson! Sherlock-Ghosthunter afoot!

HMmmmmmmm? what do your children exhibit and
and how does it vary???????? (asked as magnifying
glass is in hand)



Hmmmm?Ok!.....!



Hmmmmm? what is the right kind of action?



So! You compensated the weakness by doing
devoted acts of bettering others in a external
physical way, not intimate way, and she craves
the early intamancy??????



What was she expecting? How can you change a
situtation that is life long. You don't, you work around
it.

If I were to have a relationship at 39, It would be
intimate, but also some emotional compensation.


She, your wife may have been living the mormon? barbie
image to find out Mormon ken wasn't! Disillusionment
to each other and healing is built on this communication
of Who am I? who are you? what makes you tick?

I suggest watching the "Out of Towners" w/Goldie Hawn
and Steve Martin. This is exactly what was happening.



Very Good!



This open relationship thing works since you want to
both raise the kids. I will probe later!



The separation of two to pair into others and return
as two brings out awareness that I am , You are,
we are individuals, and by the "open relationship"
approach, "I love you for who you are, not what
I was expecting at the beginning". She may feel this
way as she explores different aspects of herself and
so you.

I wish you both luck!
HMMMMMM?

Are your kids still mormon? How does the family
feel about this? I think you could care less, and I
wholeheartedly agree! but! I am just curious?????

Sincerely,
Sherlock-Ghosthunter

What I really long for at this point (as a secondary relationship) is to be understood with all my quirks. Reading other people's experiences on this BB has actually been a big step in that direction.

Scoots, I am baffled when I watch couples. The biggest thing is total strangers who whisper at each other in the bars, then start mangling each other. I don't get HOW to do it. I had a big fear of people even touching me for the longest time and am still not over it. Eye contact is strange for me. If I am talking to someone either giving or taking orders or other talk that calls for action, then I am perfectly fine. But when it's random small talk, BOOM. I have to stare down at the floor or table and concentrate on not 'losing it'. I hate seeing all these couples clambering over each other. I hate people telling me that i'm a nice guy and that "I'll find someone". Yeah, you are not alone!! All I can really think about is that I have to work out and look good in order to make up for the converstion retardation. However, I have realized that like it or not, I have to play on my grounds. I better when i'm talking to someone 1 on 1 in a quieter place. Walking on the beach and talking, talking in the car, things like that...they don't freak me out that much.

Just try to talk to people on your own comfortable level.