Woud like your opinion re: Aspie/NT situation I am in

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Hi.

This is the first time I am posting anything ever, anywhere.
A few weeks ago I found out that a friend of mine has Aspergers and since then I have been doing everything possible to educate myself.

This website has been an extremely valuable resource (it is one of the first that I encountered when I started looking for Aspergers information online), but I have unable to find anything that specifically relates to my situation, so I am hoping that all of you that take the time to read this may be able to address my concerns. I do apologize in advance for the length of this entry (it is very long) but know that I will highly value your insight and opinions.

Thank you in advance!! !

++++My situation:

Several months ago I met a guy at the university that I attend. When we met, I didn't make much of the guy's lack of eye contact or momentary "staring" when I would look away, because I have foreign features and I have caught people often staring at me. At a subsequent meeting, the guy was "more open" (relaxed, comfortable), continually showering me with complements and reaching out to touch/actually touching me; then when we "hung out" at a school event a short time later, he reached out to hold my hand and even interlocked his fingers with mine. However, a few weeks later when he revealed that he had Aspergers I became and am presently more confused than ever.

My friend was diagnosed with Aspergers as a child and has been living with it all his life. I like the guy, but although I sense that he could be attracted to me, I am still not sure because I have noticed that he is fascinated with gay culture and his behavior sometimes exudes homosexual patterns. (I am not proud to admit it, but I initially thought he was gay.)

Before I knew he had Aspergers, I (accidentally) did not respond to a Facebook chat message and since then it seems to me that he went from wanting to spend time with me--inviting himself to several events with me--to suddenly "living his life." Additionally, we used to keep in contact on Facebook by sending each other messages almost on a daily basis, but that has also stopped (although I realize that he could genuinely be too busy to respond to my emails; but I do notice that the communication stopped ever since we exchanged telephone numbers).

I understand that it is not his fault, but I feel that I am getting mixed signals. The day we "hung out" and he reached to hold my hand, I pulled my hand away. (How I wish I hadn’t done that.) Since then, due to a communication mix-up (from my part), he sent me a Facebook message saying that he thought that we could be "great friends." Then on the one or two occasions when I have seen him, there has been no touching (which I am fine with) until about a week ago, when we took a walk through campus (his nightly ritual before he falls asleep) and he gave me the deepest, most "warmest" hug that I have ever felt in my life when he left me at my doorstep. (He accompanied that hug with the statement, “I am so glad to have met you.” :’}) Yet, a few days later when he invited me to join him and a friend at a movie, he was so focused on his friend that I felt disregarded. Since then I became so somber and developed an empty feeling deep inside of me which to this day I cannot get rid of.

I really like him dearly and am fully accepting of his Aspergers, but I don't how act or react. I don't even know how to greet him--do I hug him, touch him? Sometimes when we're both randomly walking through campus and I see that he's "zoned out" or appears to be in a solitary mode, I don't know if I should approach him and/or he doesn't seem to recognize me, so I just leave him alone. Yet there are times when he looks as if he's in a better mood and when he notices me, he will develop a beautiful wide smile and his facial expression becomes very happy; but even then I still don't know if I should make "small talk" or how to act/react, so I smile, say "hi" and let him "go about" his merry way. The few times that we have been alone, we have had many things to talk about –even “weird” things by conventional conversation standards. We have been able to relate to each on many different aspects, but his questioning and verbal indications about what I state has led me to believe that he gauging my personality, to the point of possibly determining if/whether I would be a suitable mate.

I don't know what to make of any of this.

I need to add that I am the type of person that will give a guy his space and do not find it necessary to be the clingy girl. (In my past, guys have thought it strange that I am not in constant contact--texting, calling, continually hanging out-- and value my independence. I have always felt that it's important that a guy live his life, and until our next date, that I live my mine and that we keep our interaction to a minimum. However, I am suddenly starting to see things from the perspective of the guys that I have dated.) I still do not want to be the clingy person; I refuse to put any pressure on him, but I don't know where the balance lies! We are not dating, so I cannot say much, nor can I be demanding, because my demands are unfounded, especially since we are not a couple! Could it be that because of my feelings for him, I want something more and am reading much more into this than I should be? Does he genuinely want to only be “great friends?” Am I no longer his "focus" but he (still) cares, just doesn't know how to show it? Worse yet, did I "blow it" (even though he has assured me that I haven’t) when I didn’t respond to his Facebook chat message and when I pulled my hand away? Or…could he really be gay—even though when questioned by a really “pushy” person he stated that he identifies as a heterosexual, but has “no problem with same-sex relationships?” Honestly, if he were gay, I would love him just the same, I just would keep myself from falling in love with him.

I keep reading so many grim things online and in books about Aspie/NT relationships, that it makes me really sad. (I was made to feel even worse when the “pushy” person that questioned him about his sexuality randomly told me that I shouldn’t get attached to him but that his mother would appreciate a good friend like me in his life.) In addition, most things online focus on newly, non or self-diagnosed male Aspie adults, so I haven’t been able to find much on young adults and/or relationships with young adults that grew up knowing they had Aspergers. I really genuinely like him. He has been so accepting of me; I can be my true self around him and he makes me feel like I am the most beautiful person on the face on this earth. If he allows, I want to have a relationship with him and I am determined to do whatever it takes to have the relationship work. For now, I need guidance but more than anything, I WANT to rid myself of that inane “empty” feeling!

I thank you very much for taking the time to read what I have written.
Any feedback, support links or any other information which would be helpful is absolutely greatly appreciated!! !!

One important thing to remember about those with AS is that they can have a very hard time determining others feelings and intentions. Subtle and ambiguous signals are a no-no. For me personally, when given ambiguous information, I tend to interpret it negatively, just to be safe. If you feel confused by mixed signals, you can imagine that he is likely to be twice as confused.

If you really like this guy, then there is a pretty simple solution to this problem. Try and get him alone, take his hand, and kiss him. See how he reacts. That should give him a very clear picture of your intentions. Even if he doesn't like you romantically, he will definitely appreciate your straightforwardness. Aspies usually do.

That is one possibility, but someone once did something similar with me and my blurted response left her feeling horrible when I made my own feelings clear. So, you might just ask him whether he has considered anything beyond being "good friends"...then give him a bit of time to ponder that and respond on another day.

I am curious? you did not like that girl as more than a friend and she assumed you did and kissed you? what did you say?


And as for the OP...I am not too sure about his romantic feelings for you. It does not seem to be " enough" of truly romantic gestures from the start. Mind you, it could also be that he got anxious once you ' rejected' him by rejecting his hand and has decided that you're just friends??

She had simply expressed specific feelings for me and I responded by saying she was "not my type" when I felt put "on the spot".


Agreed, and that is why I suggest just asking a quiet question and giving him time to ponder or to even re-ponder things and answer.

This is, of course, always a risk in these kinds of situations. However, the fact that he attempted to initiate before is a pretty good sign. The water's probably fine, so go ahead and dip your feet in.

Then again, I'm viewing this from a worldview that is no doubt quite different from most, and my advice should always be taken with a grain of salt because of that.

Ok, I am a happily married aspie with a wonderful NT husband, even though it has been tricky. Let me give you what advice I can. First, when you see him and he seems off in his own little zone, don't approach him or if you do don't take his reaction or lack of such to heart. His mind is elsewhere and short of being hit by a freight train not much is going to completely get his attention. So one of the times he seems fully connected to the outside world, say hi and give him a hug like he did you. Don't kiss him or do anything he hasn't done first. Then ask him to come to lunch or to come to your place. Then very clearly, very directly, and with no innuendo or confusing statements, tell him what you told us. Tell him what you want there to be between you and him, tell him how you feel. Then listen to him, however he responds. Or if he doesn't, if he takes off or makes an excuse to leave, don't take that as complete rejection. It may be more than he can process at the time. Let him have time to think about every aspect and assess every possible outcome if he needs.

Being plainspoken is usually the best route. It sounds like there are plenty of mixed signals from both of you, and having an honest chat would probably work better than "signals" when an Aspie is involved.

I can't stress this enough! No hints, no signs, no subtle unspoken cues... flipping your hair at him WON'T WORK!
It's this inability to "play the game" that many "normal" people eventually get fed up with - they seem to crave it!

But his wanting to hold your hand, etc, sounds plainly obvious he's attracted to you and wants some kind of relationship. You like the idea? Go get 'im.

I would like to thank you all for insight.
The past few weeks have become emotionally difficult for me; but I will get to that in a moment...

@Troy_Gunther:

You're absolutely right. Thanks for opening my eyes to that.


I don't like playing games and don't really pick up on subtleties either, so there is no way I would do that to someone.


Are you kidding me? I RAN, I LITERALLY RAN that night when he hugged me and it seemed that a kiss could possibly happen.
It's ME I freaked out; it had NOTHING to do with him. AND I "chickened-out" when I could have easily kissed him on the cheek, so there's NO WAY I would ever be bold enough to do what you suggested.
Thanks though.

@theNTgirl:

Yeah...you're right. I have to admit that all I was thinking about were my anxieties, fears, insecurities.
(We NTs get hurt too and personally I am VERY wary about individuals and their intentions. I guess he got caught up in my baggage. )

@EMTkid
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I envy (yes, that's a sin), but I do envy your relationship. You both must love each other dearly to do what it takes to make the relationship work. No sarcasm or ill-will intended, I greatly applaud you! Many of us --no matter who we are or how we are-- want that for our lives. :'} As for your advice, thank you so much for your perspective--everything you stated from not approaching him when he's in his zone to telling him how I feel spoke dearly to me. I was such a chicken to kiss him on the cheek that when I read , your words deeply impacted me and were a wake-up call. (You're right, what am I doing here telling you? I SHOULD be telling him!) Did it happen? Since my original post, I only saw him briefly one day. I did tell him how I felt at the moment--but the result is a matter for a different thread.

@MjrMajorMajor
@EMTkid
@leejosepho
How I wish that I could speak to him. That night was one of the last that I saw him. We used to write to each other, but that too has suddenly stopped.
The communication was reciprocal; he would contact me & I would would write back. Last week I took the initiative and gave him updates about some activities that were taking place but he never responded. I decided to ease off my communication in case I was overwhelming him. One thing I will say, he ... I think I'm no longer his focus or else he's avoiding me... He's been associating with new people, becoming involved in different things (which is great, I fully support it), but meanwhile I'm worried about him (because he turns down my invitations), I later come out to find out through some happen-stance, that he's "fine." In my mind that tells me that I did something wrong to warrant the distance but I have no clue what. (I have read about Aspies and forgiveness--or lack thereof-- and I am just "racking my brain" trying to figure out what I did.) I will say this much, this distance has become heartbreaking and through it, I have come to realize how much I care about him. HOWEVER, do I wait? Do I move on? ... In my heart I feel that the more this is prolonged, the more heartbroken I will feel and the more unhealthy this will become. Yet there's a part of me that keeps holding on to hope. I just don't know. Now I'm more confused than ever.

Thank you all.

This post made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. I hope it works out right.