How to go about finding a non-sexual partner...

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I've recently learned from the AVEN site I'm probably something called "hetero-romantic gray/demisexual". I'm also not interested in being pressured into a life-long commitment, marriage, or children. Add my mild AS/HFA on top of that I feel like the number of existing potential partners who would be compatible with me is exceedingly small. Also, given my nature getting the emotional connection I need to feel "close" in a romantic sense might be hard. I've never bothered dating before and even turned down someone trying to flirt with me because I was terribly self-conscious and knew the chances of compatibility would be so small.

I've told my parents and they just tell me I just need to find platonic friends. But I'm over 30 and so for most males my age finding "friends" means joining clubs that meet once a week or going out with drinking buddies every once in a while when they have a break from family and work obligations. I'm not against doing that but the problem is I've done it in the past and found it DOES NOT FULFILL ME or ease my sense of loneliness / emptiness. I only make shallow relationships with men. That's NOT what I want. I'm also not averse to showing deep affection (emotional and physical) and caring but that is considered "weird" with platonic friends.

I'm just wondering if there's anyone in the same boat as me.

So you want to find someone to be close with and be physical with but not get married or anything. \

Might not be as hard as you think.

I’m probably way too naïve, but, to me, it’s always seemed that anything a non-sexual partner can do, a sexual one can do better

You're not the only demisexual / demiromantic on here. It certainly does manage to complicate matters exorbitantly.

I can't say it will be easy - you already know it won't be, but I know I am one (or something weird but close to it), I know others on here who are the same, and I know more who are but they have no idea that is what they are yet.
Even if you did date a bunch of people it won't really solve anything, and your odds for finding someone for a relationship that way are quite low. There doesn't really seem to be another way except ride it out, make yourself available in places you are more likely to meet someone you click with and luck (lots of luck!), really.

Like anything else in autism, it does seem more common with us. I certainly know many AS women who are demisexual or demiromantic. Not sure about the men, I have met one or two who I highly suspect are.

You're right, friends aren't really the answer. Don't get me wrong, they will help, but they're certainly not the answer to this particular problem.
I have always taken refuge in my interests, but that doesn't work for everyone. This gets more complicated when you consider the limitations, and what you are looking for. Often we don't really settle for what most people to be "acceptable" either, sometimes we have higher standards because of it, some which are unrealistic, and others which are idealistic - but which will simply clash with most people because of our orientation. I have undergone various experiments to see how close to "normal" I can go, and the results haven't been good - namely I can do it physically if I push myself too but it feels all 10 ways of wrong and I would rather put my head through a wall than do it again, at this point.

You also might get more answers in the LGBT section than you might here - or at least more understanding there.

Last edited by Kjas on 28 May 2013, 8:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

So basically, you're looking for a romantic relationship minus the sexual aspects?

I might be repulsed enough by the idea of sex (as in sexual intercourse) that it is an impossible act for me. It seems like there are a lot more women who don't get pleasure out of sex but at least they can fake it.

I've always found that people that don't enjoy sex just haven't found the right person to connect with in that sense.

Depends on what you call "sexual aspects". I might consider plain cuddling sexual to some degree.

I can't explain it to "normal" people but it's just not like that. I know my orientation is different. Sorry if this is TMI for the non-adult forum but I don't get "turned on" nearly enough by just looking at women and normal pornography turns me off completely. With females I "like" get a nice feeling centered more towards my chest than towards my you know what.

Thanks for the reply. It seems like you understand. I already realize that plain old dating isn't going to work at all unless it's a situation where I get to know someone online who I can share information with up front. I'm also more interested in forming close friendships with people who have similar interests, have fun together, and see what happens, as opposed to a typical date. But it seems like it would be pretty much impossible to find such a person in my location by pure chance.

I never thought of myself as gay ( I'm repulsed by seeing naked men ) and identify strongly as male, but I've always felt more comfortable talking to females one-on-one for some reason. I also feel a definite attraction to some but it's not 100% sexual.

Unfortunately I have other issues going on in my life right now that I don't know if I want to talk about in front of the whole WP forum.

Have you thought about getting a pet. They can be very hug-able and affectionate. Plus they don't talk too much, or drink all your beer.

For human interaction you could try volunteering some place(s), that might be quieter and tamer than a nightclub.
Or join a hobby club, canoeing, writing, biking. Or even school.

Or maybe make friends that are physically unattractive to you.

Or Gay friends are a good option. In my experience (even if you're not attracted to him) gay men easily and comfortably take the first 'no' for an answer. If you know you're safe they can be very cuddly, supportive, AND zero pressure.

The problem is I do kind of want a physical relationship and I do feel more attracted to women than to men. Just a friendship is not what I want. I want something much deeper but its impossible to explain.

Have you tried searching for online forums for people who want such relationships? There have to be others who want the same type of relationship.

It sounds like you want a platonic relationship but I have no experience in dating/relationships.

You sound similar to me, OP. I consider myself asexual/demi-sexual, so a conventional relationship wouldn't work for me, but I also need something more than just a normal platonic friendship. My ideal partner would be someone I could confide in and share my ideas and feelings with. Some physical contact like hugs and cuddles would be nice too. I agree that that would be considered 'weird' for platonic friends - I tend to get on better with men than women, but I don't think they would be interested in that kind of friendship with a woman who they don't see as a potential romantic/sexual partner. Like you, I don't like the idea of commitment (I'm scared of ending up trapped in a negative situation I couldn't escape from), yet on the other hand I need that kind of deep emotional connection in order to feel fulfilled.

I don't really have any answers. I know there are online dating forums for asexual people, but I'm not sure if 'dating' is exactly what I'm looking for. I was thinking of maybe joining an online penpal site to try to find more friends who share my interests.

What about renting a room in a boarding house with an older kindly female landlady or something like that.

Since you don't want a romantic relationship that opens up the field considerably. You don't have to be sexually attracted or involved with the person. It sounds like you want a female friend though since you mention heterosexuality/sexuality even if obliquely.

Maybe a kindly motherly female friend could fill the bill for a close friendship that isn't meant to be romantic? There should be plenty around actually. Maybe volunteer at a senior center or library, without expectations, and see what happens?

This sounds like me, though the odd thing is I actually do feel some sexual attraction and enjoy it. It just isn't as strong and wouldn't be strongly triggered until I was physically with someone and they were displaying affection. It's only the idea of sex itself that may be impossible for me. It's a bit confusing actually. It's also possible that I could end up wanting sex at some point with a specific person.