Serious Problem

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I have what may be a very rare problem. I have loved someone for nearly 5 years who doesn't like me and I have come to a semi-rational judgement that I may end up loving her for the rest of my life or at least for a very lengthy period of time. In this instance, I am not trying to find out how to get over her because I find very difficult/impossible to do so because I am so mentally fragile. Rather, I would like to know if it would be acceptable to try and sway her one last time or if that is wrong and I should just shut up about it? Please don't be critical of me because this has really taken a lot of the happiness out of my life. This thread can be closed/deleted by mods if it is too controversial or laughable

Young man, you are soon about to learn that no amount of chasing is ever going to make a women want to be with you... even after five years of doing it. It's not going to wear her down and being with her is not going to make her happy. If anything, it has worn you down and you need to find a way to get your energy back.

It's a common problem for people with AS to develop a romantic fixation on one person that can last years and feel unable to move on, even if the feelings are never reciprocated. I think this is related to obsessional thinking, special interests, that sort of thing. It's really unhealthy to develop fixations like this and will only cause you pain until you are able to move forward with your life and let go of the love obsession. I used to have this problem quite badly, I once developed a fixation that lasted 7 years, and another fixation that lasted 5 years (neither of which were reciprocated). I would be madly in love with the person (or the construct of that person inside my head - as with unrequited love you're not really in love with the actual person but the image of who you want that person to be; if the person was really that ideal partner for you that you perceive them to be then they would love you back) and be quite unable to let go or develop attraction towards any other people.

My advice to you is to firstly make a conscious decision to move forward with your life and open yourself up to loving someone new, and secondly to try and avoid seeing the person you've developed the attachment to for a period of time - I've found that can help with the process of letting go. Give yourself space and time away from the obsession.

It's not easy to let go. If you have already tried to ask her out and she has turned you down generally the right thing to do is walk away, and it's best for you too because otherwise you could be missing many failed opportunities.

I don't know if this helps, but I when I discussed love obsessions with my most recent psychiatrist (he said they're quite common in people on the spectrum), he said that they were unhealthy and not a good basis for a relationship. He said the best way to approach a relationship is to give different people a chance by getting to know them better and seeing if feelings develop.[/quote]

lol I tried talking to other girls but they just want me as friends! I probably need girls to think I can improve in a lot of areas, but it seems their unwilling to be more positive than negative about what I will be like as a boyfriend, which is always different to just being a friend

No one should enter in to a relationship with the belief that the other person will change or improve. They are perfectly reasonable not to assume this. Also, I do suspect your idea of relationships, love and romance is a bit too thought-based. For most it is a case of "you either feel it or you don't".[/quote]

So if I come across as being boring and not having anything to say, people can assume this will not change? If anything, I would talk like I've never talked before, because I would be fearful of the consequences if I was not charismatic enough. Surely the assumption is I will try harder because I have more to lose?

I would find anything to talk about. Something that interests you, yes. Try and keep the interests conversations to a minimum of 2 minutes, and the others will ask you about these interests if they enjoy what they are hearing. People do like intelligent conversation from time to time, just not when it's forced on them. Ask them questions about what they do and what they enjoy doing. Find out where they're from, if they have travelled, what their favourite things are, etc. A person that is interested in having a conversation with you at least will ask you questions about yourself. You just have to answer the questions appropriately.

Some girls don't like putting themselves out there before the man does. You will have to find a way that feels natural to you in opening up a conversation with someone.[/quote]

Thanks for the advice, but I feel comfortable in my ability to talk with any girl. It's getting on a date in the first place that's the hard part!