How to comfort someone with AS?

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I am NT and my husband is an Aspie. We have been together for about 10 years but I am still not sure an effective way to comfort him. I feel like even if whatever it is doesn't actually comfort him, I still want to be making an effort. Most of the time when he is upset he prefers to be alone, so I give him his space, but I've concluded that I need to start to be comforting also. He is going through a very stressful time and because of this is suffering from a bout of depression, which is making him start to turn away from me. When I ask in what ways I could comfort him, he says he is not sure. To me, comforting is cuddling, hair stroking, back rubbing, and the like..but I am not so sure it is the same for those with AS. That's why I am reaching out to you guys, hoping you can give me some insight/ideas and tell me what is most comforting to you from someone you love. Please note: he does not have touch sensory issues.

I think it's fairly common for autistic people to deal with their problems on their own. I had an autistic girlfriend before who usually never told me what was going on with her until she had already resolved the issue, but I don't think that was a sign of having a poor relationship.

I don't know whether this behavior is inherent in AS personality, or whether it is something that is learned. When I was a child I often felt like I was punished for expressing my feelings. People did not understand what I was feeling and thought I had nasty ulterior motives, so I learned not to express myself. Maybe that is a fairly common experience.

In any case, you can't give him comfort that he doesn't want to receive. If you try to comfort him and he doesn't want it, then you shouldn't keep trying. If he really does want comfort, but makes it difficult for you to give it to him, then that's his own fault and you can't help it.

That's something you really have to talk with your husband about. Your heart might be in the right place, but I know if I need time alone I mean absolutely alone.
My husband will check in with me occasionally to make sure I'm okay, and maybe a brief hug. He knows I'll snap out of it once I've unwound.

Ask him his preference. He might not mind a backrub, or you coming to sit next to him quietly.

I'm not so sure if it's that he can't be comforted. Sure enough, he must be older than I am and I have never been involved with someone for more than 6 months. But the one person that comforted me with cuddling and hugging didn't bother me one bit.
I know for sure growing up that when I did look for comfort from other people, it seemed most people didn't care to listen or I overdid it and didn't want to listen. I wasn't the best at giving comfort either. When it came to my issues that I needed comfort with, I just didn't bother asking anyone after a while. I just somehow decided to figure out on my own because I didn't know what to do. Now I have done pretty good at it that I just don't bother asking anyone for help

usually our needs is met by feeling like we can breath and just be able to interact with that person for long periods. but I don't have a girlfriend so It doesn't bother me. just be sure to give space and let them be themselves. think like them if your not autistic. that's the key to a good relationship.

Everyone with AS is different, so as others have said, you'd need to ask. Personally, my preferred method of comforting is making themselves available if/when I need them. So, rather than approaching me with hugs and shoulder pats, just letting me know that if I need a hug, they are more than happy to provide.

I'm a little surprised though that this type of comforting is a normal NT thing to do to NT males. Does the average male appreciate hair stroking and back rubbing? I wouldn't have thought so but I certainly could be mistaken. Personally I'd have a negative reaction to this kind of comforting (rather than positive or neutral) so I'd really try NOT to do it if he says he doesn't want you to. It might make you feel better to "make the effort", but it might not be the best solution overall.

I don't think I've really been comforted by anyone since I was like 2 years old. I don't tend to get upset about things that can be made better with words or cuddling. Either go and resolve the problem, or leave me alone so I can resolve it.

If I was your husband, I would strongly prefer that you NOT "make an effort". Attempts to cuddle or whatever would just make me more upset.

However, I suppose it would be nice if you baked me some brownies, mowed the lawn so I didn't have to do it, etc. Can you think of any nice things you can do while still giving him the space he needs? I would appreciate that a lot more than some useless emotional gestures of support - we are not emotional creatures. At least I'm not, anyways. I dunno.

sorry is this is no help to the OP, but I for one would love to be comforted with soothing words, hair caresses, hugs, being held, stroking my back, massaging et al. that would distract me from what was bothering me but it would also clear some mental space in my head to start solving whatever problem was bedeviling me.

Last edited by auntblabby on 25 Jul 2013, 12:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

Death Metal, that cheers me up!

This sounds awful to me. Just goes to show that we're all different!

Depends on the individual. I say just let him be alone when he asks to.

Have you tried asking him?

Phrase it something along the lines of "Honey, I know you have had a lot of stress lately, is there anything I can do to help, or that would help you to feel better?"

It's good to know that he doesn't have touch/sensory issues, does he enjoy affection? I don't mean simply tolerating it because you like it, I mean, does he personally enjoy it, and feel either comforted or turned on by it? If so, more affection, hugging, kissing him, cuddling up to him could help.

If all else fails, well, there's always that one thing that men definitely enjoy.

On second thought though, he may just need time to himself, too. Sometimes, if I'm feeling overwhelmed, the last thing I want is people around, talking to me, wanting my attention. Trust your instincts here, after all, you two have been married for 10 years now, you know him and his personality, and quirks. I would definitely recommend asking him though what you can do, I'm sure he will be upfront with you about it.

Try to get him to talk about his feelings. Figure out a way. Tell him you will leave him if he doesn't stop concealing his feelings. He will tell you under desperate measures if he really loves you.

Wait.... what?

I think that's the last thing a guy who is stressed/depressed, especially an Aspie needs to hear at this time. It sounds like there is a strong relationship here, and that he is a good guy (not abusive to her, etc), so there's no reason to break up the marriage, or threaten to.

this is highly personal and situation-dependant.
i think the best way is to flat-out tell him you are there for him if he needs you, but you dont know what to do.
for me personally, just knowing that someone wants to help me does a world of good, but i'd still want to work it out alone, sitting next to someone i trust (but generally no touch)

Yeah I completely agree. Threatening abandonment is not only extremely manipulative, it's also extremely hurtful and stressful. It would just amplify everything he's going through exponentially.