Two ways to greatly improve your chances

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I know I'm young, and I certainly know less than a lot of people on here about having a relationship, but I want to share something I've learned.

About a year and a half ago, I was in the same position as a lot of you: I wanted to date someone. I had this idea that I'd automatically love anyone who loved me. My first relationship (which had lasted almost three years) had ended recently, and I wanted so much to have that closeness. I didn't know if I'd ever have it again. I was desperate. But as time passed, I got used to being single. I realized I wasn't mature enough to date anyone; furthermore, I realized that I didn't actually need to date anyone. I didn't want to!

This part of my story is just background and probably mostly irrelevant to you guys. But what I learned from it, I think, is something everyone should know.

#1--If you feel like you can't be happy on your own without dating someone, you probably aren't ready to date.
This was what got me into so much trouble in my first relationship. It's natural to feel like you need to be dating someone else to be happy, but in the end this mindset leaves you more vulnerable to people who would take advantage of you, use you, or abuse you. And if you want it too much, you will be desperate, and people will treat you as such. They won't like you as much or as easily if they know you can't be happy on your own. And it makes sense, doesn't it? If someone can't be happy on his own, how is he going to be able to hold a happy relationship with you too?

#2--If you treat "getting a girlfriend/boyfriend" as a goal, people won't want to date you.
This is the more important of the two things I've learned. People are not just general "things" to seek and get and have, and they don't like it when they feel they're being treated that way. What I mean is, getting "a girlfriend" or "a boyfriend" shouldn't be the goal; it's just not as likely to work. But having specific people who you care for and want to date because they are them (and not just "possible boyfriend/girlfriend candidates") is a good goal because it works much better. People like to feel like you love them for who they are.


I have seen both of these things work in practice. As I started to realize that I didn't want to date, and that I was happy on my own without dating, people somehow started to see me in ways that I never thought were possible. Two males expressed sexual interest in me; one girl tried to set me up with one of her female friends; three males expressed crushes on me; and one more person tried to date me! This is not based on looks; I am extremely ugly! One of the exchanges basically went like this:
Me: I feel like I don't want to date anyone. People keep saying they are 'attracted' to me, but the idea of dating just freaks me out and I end up trying to cut off contact with them!
Crush-having Male: I have a crush on you.
Me: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
(Luckily for me, I did not cut off contact with this person, and we are becoming good friends)

It's crazy, but it works: not being desperate, not caring about "getting a girlfriend" actually makes people more interested. On the other hand, I've seen people who do talk about dating like it's a goal, and people do not take kindly to it, just like they didn't take kindly to it when I did it. It's not just me, or us--even Neurotypicals make this mistake, and it doesn't work for them either!

I've got other (anecdotal) evidence of this as well. One of my best friends decided that he didn't want to date anyone at that point in his life--and then he asked out a girl he had a crush on, and she said yes! She was the exception, not the rule. On the other hand, the kid who asked me to date him three years ago (when I was "desperate") didn't do himself any favors by saying he'd been trying to "get a girlfriend." Some of my other (Neurotypical) acquaintances have had similar experiences; they miss the closeness of relationships so much that even when they do get dates, those relationships would end very quickly. Autistic people don't have the luxury of being able to "fake it" with fancy social skills and flirting. We don't even get a first chance; I've seen that with some of my Autistic friends.

Interesting tip, at least in my experience: when I said things along the lines of "I'm not actively seeking anyone right now, but I guess I'd be open if someone wanted to..." people didn't like me as much as when I (truthfully) said things like "I do NOT want to date anyone right now." I'm not sure if that's Murphy's law or a confidence thing, but whatever.

Since my life is not yours, take this with a grain of salt (as you should with anyone's advice) but I felt like I owed it to the people here to share this. I hope it helps someone.

I would certainly agree with this.

An extension of the first part would be, definitely try to avoid behaving as though it's a girlfriend or boyfriend's responsibility to make you happy.

It seems to me, that many people sit about moping and wanting a partner... but then when they get one, they behave as though the other person is supposed to be making them happy ... because they expected having a relationship to magically make them happy - so through connection, they expect their partner to be responsible for doing that when their unrealistic expectation doesn't get met.

And my goodness, it's certainly deterrent to see the guys who I know sitting about moping and sulking about how they want "to get a girlfriend" ... their desire not being to have any specific person as a partner, but just to have "a girlfriend" for the hell of it.
In my experience, such people also tend to have unrealistic expectations about what "getting a girlfriend" would do to enhance their lives [for example, see point 1] ... or have self-orientated ideas about what they think a girlfriend will (or "should") behave like, and do.... while not properly considering the fact that they also would need to be doing something which would make it worth having them as a partner for somebody else, or just generally not thinking about "getting a girlfriend" in realistic terms - even if they have considered what positive elements they themselves might be able to bring to to a relationship.

tbf, I want a relationship, but i'm not going to rush into it with just anyone, and it's simply part of a larger goal of piecing my shattered social life back together, and I don't expect a relationship to suddenly wash away all of life's problems, although I am quite lonely. I do know what you mean, though.

I think that's a very sensible approach to life.

I think it could be nice if I were to become friends with a person naturally, and then if mutual feelings beyond standard friendship were to develop - but I'm not actively looking for a relationship, and certainly wouldn't be after a relationship just for the sake of it, or because I think it would by definition enhance my happiness.

I think that life has been quite difficult up until now, and it's been less ridiculous for a little while now - so I'm rather enjoying the laid back lifestyle of being single and just chilling out with a bunch of good computer games, or reading a lot of books, or making all sorts of art.
Having a simple sort of life is quite nice, so I'm not in a rush to complicate things by trying to charge towards having a relationship.

Personally think that's the best way forward, to allow things to develop organically like that.

Yes, that's a good way to approach it. It's better for you, and people (especially the females) seem to prefer it more, probably because it makes them feel special--like, "I wouldn't date just anyone, but I have these strong feelings for you specifically." I think a lot of females like to feel special.

And I strongly agree with you (Ladywoofwoof) about not acting like it's someone else's responsibility to make you happy. In fact, I wonder if that's why people don't want to get with people who are already unhappy; maybe they are worried that the responsibility will get pushed onto them. And it really feels like crap to be in a relationship where someone thinks you're the one who's supposed to make them happy. If you can't make yourself happy, you're probably just not ready.

I wonder if this "improvement" I saw was because of what I said or because of the mindset change (like, would it still make people happier if someone lied and said he/she/it didn't want a relationship, or are others somehow sensing the change in mindset?)

This is my problem with dating sites, though. Most people on there are, by default, looking for "a relationship" and not for specific people.

Isn't this sort of what is considered Omega Male?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=omega%20male

The longer I live, the more I think I'm an omega male, since I just do my thing and live in my own world oftenly.

This is a nonsense advice somehow.

Being desperate and acting as desperate certainly decrease your chances, your thread can be summed in few words: Don't be and don't act desperate.

But at the same time, NOT being desperate wouldn't greatly increase your chances of having a significant relationship either- it wouldn't have this magical effect you're making it sound.

It's something given to not act desperate but it's not enough, especially for males, it's like telling guys "Just be nice and your chances will increase a lot".

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 31 Jul 2013, 12:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The guy who "liked" me started associating with me by asking me rather personal questions and hitting on me over Twitter. When I turned him down, he almost immediately started working on one of my friends.

That is the kind of guy women don't want to date. He's got trouble written all over him (he's got Aspergers too, but that's no biggie. The biggie is his attitude to dating!).

OK, so you shouldn't have the goal of getting a girlfriend/boyfriend. Then, why care about what improves or hurts your chances?

lol

I knew people who got relationships before while they were being desperate - I noticed desperate people often get relationships/dates/sex faster too.

First of all, I'd like to say that I'm honored to have such a famous guest post in a thread I started. *bows*

Anyway. Sure, that may work for Neurotypicals, and maybe it doesn't have the "magical effect" that it appeared to have with me, but with people like us, who already have difficulties with social skills, our desperation shows through pretty easily and puts people off. I don't know what you've seen, but even the Neurotypicals' relationships I've seen have ended pretty quickly and badly when based on desperation--and it put them right back where they'd started.

If you're just looking for Quick Sex, why waste the energy on a relationship that will end so quickly? There's a surprising amount of people out there who will have sex with just about anyone--for free. Now, I don't think that's the safest or most enjoyable way to go about it, but there are plenty of creeps out there. Just saying.

If it's the relationship part you want, though, I suggest looking past the desperation. I mean, sure, they get the relationships/dates/sex faster, but do they get the ones that would really make them happy? And would these really last? On the other hand, you can go for a specific person because you like that person in a way you don't like (most) other people. It may not get you "a relationship" as fast, but it'll probably get you into a good relationship faster than you otherwise would have.

Just like with sex, there are some people who are willing to take advantage of desperation. But these people are sick and dangerous--and if you're lucky enough to get with someone who's not taking advantage of your desperation, they're still likely to back out once they realize how desperate you are. People really do want to feel special.

You are right about not being and acting desperate, Boo. I feel like that, at the core, is much more impressive to people you'd be trying to date. I don't quite understand all the Neurotypicals' logic behind it (I have a sneaking feeling that it's NOT logic) but it has worked for more than just me. And I agree that "just being nice" doesn't help that much either (if it helps at all--personally, I think it's right up there with "Just be yourself" and "Treat others the way YOU want to be treated" on the list of WORST possible advice to give an Autistic person).

How many female ones are there? And how many of them are heterosexual and not extremely unattractive, mentally unsound or both? At any rate, having sex with them would probably be taking advantage of them.



But wait, getting into a relationship is not a goal for you. Then, how do you even get to know that person? How would you justify any move to approach anybody beyond what is strictly needed for whatever business got you together in the first place? And why would you engage in any activity for the purpose of meeting new people? Since you don't know them in advance, and people are not "'things' to seek and get and have", you shouldn't have any interest in them, because you can't be interested in them for whom they are. If you don't know many people to begin with, and none of them is a potential partner, you should just happily stay that way for life, since there's no motivation at all to do anything that would make a change. If you're not happy, well, you're desperate, so you won't get what you want anyway

In fact, I think you'd still reek of desperation to many people even if you appear happy.



The latter is particularly lousy advice for a man wanting sex. Just imagine what would happen if he did to a woman what he'd like her to do to him.

read your post. agree entirely.

if your primary goal in life is to get a date, she will sense you have nothing better to do with your life.

Jepeusque, I guess I didn't make it clear enough. Part of the idea is to enjoy people for themselves and not their potential-date-ness. I mean, if you couldn't like someone as a friend, a relationship's not going to work out anyway. I think it's a mistake to not interact with someone just because they are not going to date you. If nothing else, it gives you social skills practice--and, when you do make friends, you will be happier in yourself. It is fulfilling once you get to the point where interacting with people isn't completely draining!

See, you meet the people and you make friends with them. You interact with them because you enjoy being with them, or doing the things you do with them. The idea here is that you will, in the course of your friends-having, find people who you like in particular, more than the others. And you will want to date them specifically. I'm not saying don't try to date anyone. I'm just saying--don't try to date everyone.

I mean, don't base all your interactions with people off of dating, and don't look for "people to date." Feel the feelings for the person, and pursue that. And who knows? Someone might do that to you, too.

Also:

I said "creeps." If sex were all you wanted, you wouldn't care if they were mentally sound or not (even if they were crazy and dangerous). That is what I meant. But, yes, there are plenty of heterosexual female ones out there. The other criteria...you'd have to judge for yourself.


Now I'm trying to visualize it to figure out how exactly that would work

My views on this are the same as Jepeusque's. I generally don't enjoy people just for being people, so if I make no effort to meet anybody, it will never happen.

I try not to think about romantic stuff while I'm awake, and sometimes I'll go a whole day without even looking at this forum (generally I start to think about this stuff kind of by default when I'm bored, and then I go to this forum, 'cause that's easier than actually doing anything), but the dreams that I remember are almost always about snuggling and talking quietly to a theoretical partner (about half the time it's a faceless person, the other half it's with my ex), or about having sex. I can't help what I dream about. Well, I kind of can, but I never sleep very well when I do. But anyway, I don't think there is any point in pretending to myself that I don't care. I just try not to think about it when I'm awake because it doesn't help anything.

I've tried acting like myself, I've tried trying to act normal, I've tried trying to convince myself that I don't care, and I've tried coming to some sort of compromise between acting like myself and acting normal, and nothing really works. The only thing that kind of works is acting normal, but that gives me attention from women that I don't really care about, and it's exhausting. The only meaningful relationships I ever had were brief, random coincidences.

I don't have any friends anymore, and I don't think anyone loves me. The only reason I can think of why this is is that I'm weird and people are bigots. There is nothing obviously defective with me either, so I don't even get that fake sympathy that mentally ret*d people can expect. Being a good and reliable friend certainly isn't a good way of earning most people's respect. I would want to be my friend. Often when I had somebody's respect or affection, it was given to me almost from the start, with no effort to earn it on my part. I don't even know why anything happened in my life. The closest I've ever come to having some measure of control or understanding of my social life was when I pretended to be NT, and it wasn't fun at all.