My AS ex-boyfriend, lack of spark and crazy stupid love

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I knew at an early age I was different than others, so I started trying to adapt, change. experiment with social interaction trying to find how to fit in. I never found it. But now that I know what is going on, (late adult dx). I am trying to change things based on the knowledge that I have now. But it is harder to change now that it would have been when I was a child, I believe.

I came from a dysfunctional home. Drug addict/alcoholic father, dependent mother who was too busy working 2 jobs and catering to the "man of the house". They didn't have time nor skills to deal with a problem child (me) so they learned early on that I was a problem so everything was my fault. A family of children once ringed me in and encouraged the youngest to assault me. The older ones (5 to 8 years older than me) would attack me if I fought back. Eventaully I realized I was going to get hurt regardless so I kicked the youngest in the face, and the oldest in his crotch and took the beating. I got in trouble for the fight when I got home. My mother called me a liar. Later I over heard her talking to my dad. I had tried to practice facial expressions that showed what I thought was sincere disagreement with something. My mother had decided that those facial expressions meant I was lying and was mentioning this to him. Later that evening I experimented. I ate the rest of a cake my mother had made, cleaned everything up (1/3 of a whole cake I ate). went back to my room. The next morning they asked if I had eaten the cake. I stood there with a blank expression on my face and lied. "no. I never touched it". She decided I was telling the truth for the first time I could remember. That was when I realized it didn't matter what I said or did, she would decide based off of who she chose to believe. I learned very quickly that my sister, many years younger than me, could do something bad, blame it on me, and I wouldn't even be asked. I would simply be punished. My older brother would blame some of his "sins" on me. I would be punished without asking. Neighbor children saw this and would blame things on me that were impossible (I was swimming or in football practice when somethings happened). I still got the blame. All because my parents decided at a very early age that I was a problem child and there was no sense in believing me.

Still, every family of an AS child without DX will respond differently. My experiences were due to the problems my parents had before I was born, and continued until I left home at 16. Others try to cope, still others believe in the bible and try "discipline" Some families go through divorce because of it.

Flanmaster's description (not the personal account above, the one before) is very eloquent and a better version of the way I feel than I could put together.

The emotions are in there somewhere but they are just too vague and slippery to get a grasp of, a bit like trying to catch eels in muddy water. And this is how I feel at 43, when I was younger I would compare it to this while having my hands and legs tied together as well.

I've only just started discussing Asperger's with my family and that I feel that my father is also on the spectrum. This delay is a product of the years of miscommunication and misunderstanding that result from growing up without knowledge of AS.

It's good to remember that there is the human spectrum (condition) and those with AS occupy a small part of that spectrum just for ourselves. No two people are exactly alike or behave exactly the same, and this is true whether they are both neurotypical or neurodiverse.

Why are you attracted to a guy that torments dogs with coat hangers?

FlanMaster, that's one tough childhood. It's hard enough being picked on by other kids but your parents not treating you with the respect you deserve is very sad. I'm very glad to see that you have come out of it stronger and you are an amazing person for keeping on with things. Situations like that often cause folks to curl up and hide forever.

NW, it definitely helps me make sense of things. Before I posted on this board I used to come along and read posts now and then to help me get a better perspective. In a way I wish he did too but it wasn't really something he was that interested in. I think the idea of facing up to it was a bit much.

It must be really tough not knowing what is going on but knowing that something is. Especially as it's something that makes functioning in every day society a bit of a mountain climb much of the time. How old were you when you found out it was AS?

When my ex has had too much time in the world he certainly needs to hide for a bit. Getting his head around the fact he has to work 9-5 every week day is proving a bit of a strain too. He knows if he doesn't do all this 'normal person' stuff he won't have money to do everything else he wants to do. But it is very tough on him. More I think because he hasn't really admitted to the AS thing so folks just think he's a bit odd. He doesn't make friends easily.

It's funny because when we were together that kind of thing was a bit easier. Someone else to tell his woes to or make him a peanut butter sandwich when he couldn't be bothered to feed himself he was so tired from it all. I do wonder why he gave it up.

Ha! It wasn't him who put the dog in the coathanger. If he did I'm not sure I wouldn't have gone round there and put him in the coathanger. It was a pic he found online. He sends me stuff like that all the time as he knows what makes me giggle. The swine!

I started to put all the puzzle pieces together when I was 37ish and working with teenagers with behavioural issues.

That's a whole lot of time not to have known. Blimey. Glad you got it worked out.

Ok, you have cleared up a lot of the confusion I had. I think you need to talk to some of your friends locally on this one. It seems to me you can't get over him, so you aren't telling him to stay away like you should. Is that correct? Don't let the hollow in your heart become to big for another man to fill. Being truthful about it to him in a calm fashion, like a polite conversation and not a waterfall of tears, is the best you can do to get this guy to stop texting you as often. If he is a friend, wrap your mind around him being there as a friend, maybe plan on inviting him to your wedding if you ever get married. Asking him if he knows anybody that is like him you could date, it will put out his fire and set things in stone, he is telling you that he at least is looking elsewhere for a lady after all. I don't think there is much else I can say.

You're probably right. Sigh. It's definitely not great for me at the mo. Despite the fact he's been talking to me almost non-stop for the last two days. The mixed messages are driving me crazy. I'll try. It's hard to convince myself to walk away when he's being so 'friendly'. Agh.

Thanks for the advice.

Good, just don't dwell on it.

I'll try not to. Mostly easier said than done when it comes to love. Got lots of other stuff going on. It might just fade out. You never know.

The work of Hans Asperger was buried until the early 1980s and formal diagnosis did not start until about 10 years later. I was already out of school and in the big bad world before many people knew about it. Then children with AS were usually just seen as odd, ranging to deliberately misbehaving problem kids at worst.

Thanks.

He may or he may not feel like trying to date you again in the near future due to how much you have been bonding lately.

However there are two things that worry me a bit:

1)you say that he is meeting other girls and so on. Whats stopping you from meeting new guys?
I know meeting someone you click with is one of the hardest things to do but you cant just stay in "doormat"(your words on the OP, not mine) position forever, hoping he changes his mind.

Even if you dont look for someone to date you should check out some sort of social group to take your mind off him and just focus on having fun interacting with new people(plenty of social groups in my area where alcohol is not only acceptable but expected are whats getting me through one of the thoughest times I can remember in years and I spent 9 months by myself on a country where I could count the people I actually knew with my fingers not that long ago).
There are some regulars at every social club so you should become acquainted with some of them soon enough.
Their only requirement is to show up every week, trust me when I started I had a tendency to cut people midsentence, answer questions that werent directed at me... and nobody said anything because I was there every week and I was trying my best to improve(I like to think I have but those that know me argue that I just keep it to a minimum and pretend to be joking whenever I do this things now)

2) Even if you dont want to meet other people/detach yourself a bit from him: How long can you handle this sort of situation?
You are in a very complicated position and you cant expect him to return your feelings just because you have been there for him.
So how much longer can this "friendship" last before you lose your mind thinking about all the physical relationships he is currently having with others, while you wait for him?...

If a are smart a phrase like might get you momentarily, but quite frankly it is not that confusing,

Like I do sometimes get caught out, especially if I haven't got the context, but sometime it is pointed out to me other times I realise myself.

Anyone with a basic grasp of language can work this out, or ask once and remember it. It is only those with poor language skill that are going to struggle with this on a continuous basis.

The most likely scenario where you might get stumped is where a phrase has a double meaning in context and you don't get the subtleties like inflection/sarcasm straight away, most likely you would still be aware of other interpretations of the phrase.

If he is confused by it, it is more likely he is struggling to reconcile it in his mind, not because he doesn't know what the phrase implies.

Perhaps if it is the first time he has heard the phrase, then maybe, but that is the same for anybody and not really a big deal.

Thanks for the advice. Apologies for worrying you!

1. There is nothing stopping me from meeting new guys. I have a whole lot of friends and a ridiculously wide social circle. My job is a real one off. I do public speaking and events and all sorts (without going into it too much I love it to bits). That's why I'm finding this helpless feeling of being heartbroken so amazingly odd and tough to deal with. I kick ass in real life usually. I don't doubt that I could meet someone if I wanted to. I just find that I'm lacking the enthusiasm to do this. I guess because I now worry this will happen all over again. I know it's better to have loved and lost then have never loved before, but this has kind of scared me off. My second major broken heart in my life. The first took me a year to recover from. The idea of starting again makes me feel weary.

But I do get your point. Nothing beats the crap out of a broken heart like shiny new love. Or at least getting out and having fun. Just need to find the oomph to do it.

2. You're totally right there. It does drive me a bit nuts. It's kind of ok when he spends all day talking to me but when he goes quiet it makes my brain melt. Oddly lately it has felt so bad it's kind of flattened out for me. My head says that he isn't spending all day talking to anyone else but me. Hard to explain where my sanity lies really. I know it's not good for me.

So two very good points and another vote for moving on. I know, folks. I really do. Let's just see if I can find the guts to rip the band aid off...

Absolutely. I do think it was the meaning that got to him rather than not getting it. He's a very smart cookie. It's the common sense thing he seems to lack quite a bit.

OP, what I said earlier, I forgot to add that you can tell him he doesn't have to answer the Q's, you just want him to think about how he feels about them and properly look at his emotions or whatever.

Sorry I haven't had any coffees today, I just thought of this and I didn't want you to go ahead and something...

Good point. Thanks for the extra.

Hope you find some coffee.