Realizing my Aspie GF's stormy moods are sort of meaningless

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Let me duck back into this conversation to say this: yes, if you don't have professional training in psychology and/or the life experience of interacting with an abuser (or a survivor of abuse with anger issues from the resultant PTSD, many of whom without proper help turn around to become abusers themselves) a lot of these behaviors the OP describes seem like normal Aspergian quirks. A few years ago, I would have been right there along with some of you: "Oh yeah, I totally understand. I can't take being around people for more than 2-3 hours/I have meltdowns when I'm overwhelmed/I take stuff very literally and it causes disagreements when I misunderstand what NTs are saying" and if you're coming from a non-NT perspective, there are lots of ways you can relate the text on the page (and the behavior it describes) to your own difficulties.

BUT

All of the additional info since my last post just makes me feel more and more certain that something deeper and darker than just garden-variety ASD is at work here. Those who have trouble with meltdowns, think about this: when is the last time you had a meltdown via TEXT, in the safety of your own space? When you have meltdowns, do you immediately "go for the jugular" and start tearing apart people you love? If you have a significant other or very close friends, do you melt down almost every time you see them?

Someone talked about "walking on eggshells" OP, and there is a very good book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that I suggest you check out. It might be helpful, as it outlines the EXACT behavior you describe outside of an Aspie/NT framework; in fact, it doesn't mention ASDs at all.

re: JubalHarshaw.

As I think about this question, I really have two states. Neutral passive patient. And explosive.

I do explode at text, letters in the mail, statements made on TV, and text messages from so-called girl friends.

I've attacked people who were being unreasonable, and friends who were upset enough at me to taunt me or hurt me themselves. To them and for that, I am not passive. These however are rare events, in the order of once or twice a year.

as I read about this ongoing saga I wonder whether you think your prospects are so poor that you have to put up with this sort of thing in a relationship. Do you think you're going to save her? Is this redeeming you, turning you into a hero of some sort?

I know, she's wonderful, you love her, etc, but you don't have to be in a relationship with everyone you love. By itself, it's not enough. And what you're describing is really unhealthy.

^ I wasn't really even agreeing with myself. If you look at my rule, it doesn't seem very desirable does it? The core moral of the rule is that it's not necessarily correct to recommend a relationship with negatives be discontinued.

An imperfect relationship can still be viable. It is far removed from the ideal however. People like having options. They're more likely to listen when you give them one. Its an old customer service trick i picked up when having to deal with disgruntled customers. Everyone loves multiple choice.

We're aspies, and by-and-large idealist perfectionists.

Should the relationship continue? Probably not.

Could it continue, for quite some time? Yeah, sure.

There's this line between settling and forgiving reasonable imperfection.

Probably better to let OP figure it out. It's probably different for everybody.

Edit: My rule is opposed to aspie logic. It's supposed to make you stop and think, and truely access what it is you want to do. I find we or should i say, i KNOW i gravitate to judgemental mindset, especially when i detect imperfection. And as an aspie, i think i find imperfection more often than many. This rule is a counterbalance, and i do imagine it makes most aspies squirm. The end result is supposed to be an objective decision. Everything must be given its objective weight. And longterm relationships deserve some thought. If other people fudge things, it might be because it's a good idea. It might not. Best to check however. I assume NT's have a better idea of the proper course of action than i do. And this theme is prevalent.

Yeah, there is childhood abuse / trauma stuff going on, no doubt. She has certainly talked about these things, not sexual - but emotional, lots of yelling and fights with step parents, volatile households. Put that into the blender with AS, and who can possibly sort out what is what in terms of responses, reactions, and how to move forward?

Yeah, she will say things like "I deserve to be treated better, why are you doing these hurtful things", and then pointing out that there are no hurtful actions seems to put her into a mute state. It's almost like she is talking to me in these moments, but actually her words and anger are actually about somebody else, like she has practiced this speech in her head many times, and now she has somebody to give the speech to. That's how it feels in some moments. Like I have somehow been
"swapped in" to replace somebody else in her life, somebody who hurt her previously.

I know I'm not going to "fix" anything, and we are probably at the limit that she can be with somebody before things are going to blow up. I sort of keep waiting for her to decide to not get together any more - she is under tremendous self induced stress from school, junior year upper division math and engineering starts to be pretty demanding stuff. I hate that seeing me puts additional burden and strain on her life - what's the point?

In the past, I've "ended it" several times, each time she has fought for it and stepped up, and then the moment she senses I'm comfortable, it's like she tosses a switch. I think she is basically just addicted to distress, if none is available organically, she will manufacturer. It's what she knows, I dunno.

So I'm just slow fading at this point. She's an Aspie, and I"m the one initiating communications .. if I don't reach out ... she rarely does. I initiate our getting together - if I do that less often - we will get together less often. But I don't see the need for a big "break up" discussion - maybe it's a guy thing - slow fade is just easier. She can hardly be surprised - most of our communications at this point are tense and negative - with her quick to announce "I'm irritated" or "I'm annoyed". OK, OK, I'll let it fade. She's not going to change any time soon. She said her previous mental health provider is recommending DAILY therapy ! It's become pretty bad.