Reading too much/too little into comment? (both ASPies)

Page 1 of 1 [ 9 posts ] 

mathematixal
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 7

07 Oct 2013, 12:34 pm

Hello there. I hope someone can bear my difficult and vague concern.

I am hoping for some thoughts on decoding my boyfriend's confusing statement without asking him directly and cornering him/making him uncomfortable.

I am aware that it is not possible to know what any one individual thinks from overall tendencies. But still I would like to ask for opinions on the degree of possibility of my interpretation, from the perspective of general tendencies among ASPers in speech/reasoning.

The background:
Both my boyfriend and I are ASP of varying degrees.
We are both in our late 20s.
He has not dated anyone before. I have dated, and been married before. (Both of us are aware of these two facts.)
We have been dating approximately a month.
He has said that he has never really imagined the possibility of ever getting married.

The situation:
We were walking past a temple and there was a traditional wedding being held.
He then commented to me that "I think you would look good in a traditional wedding dress like that."

The point of confusion:
His statement seems to imply that he has imagined me in a wedding context, and favourably so. (He does not usually make offhand comments such as "I think you would look good in this/that").

Given the fact that people have a tendency to not create a mental representation of romantic events with a person they are not interested in, and definitely not vocalise it, does it appear possible that his comment suggests his reconsidering his idea that he may never get married?

(My reasoning:
If I were to walk past a wedding with a male I have no interest in, I would probably not mention the wedding, or anything relating to that male in the image of a groom, because 1. I would not want him to misinterpret my comment as interest in him and 2. it would naturally not occur to me to image him as a groom or in a wedding context, if I do not have interest in him as a possible groom.

Given the fact that my boyfriend has Aspergers as well, and I do not know if my mode of thinking is representative for people with Aspergers, I am not sure if I can rely on my reasoning to extrapolate to what he thinks.)


Summary of my question:
Please tell me your opinions regarding if my reasoning above is likely to hold in this case, and if my boyfriend's comment may have suggested his possible interest in, or reconsideration on, getting married someday. (I know it is a feature for our species that we tend to be direct, and do not always get context or nonverbal hints very well, so I am wondering if it would be possible to put in that kind of background implications/feelings into a statement in the first place.)


Thank you.



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

07 Oct 2013, 12:45 pm

He thinks you'd look good in a wedding dress.
Marriage isn't off the cards if you like him enough (one day, doesn't mean right this instant or this year).
Nothing much to look into, and is only a positive thing :)



IlovemyAspie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2012
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,030
Location: Alone

07 Oct 2013, 1:54 pm

Yeah I wouldn't think he would say you'd look good in a wedding dress on your wedding day to someone else! So my thought is that marriage is a possibility. I know a lot of people who say they'll never get married or can't see themselves being married. But then they find the right person....then something magical happens and BAM they can totally see themselves being married.


_________________
Keep calm and date a short woman
I'm not short, I'm fun size!


BirdInFlight
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jun 2013
Age: 62
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,501
Location: If not here, then where?

07 Oct 2013, 2:38 pm

While a remark like that can be spoken as a heavy hint that the person is thinking marriage in regards to you, yes, and stuff like that has even been used in lines in romantic movies, try to remember that sometimes people say something like that with zero intention behind it too. You could drive yourself crazy speculating about which one it was in this case, and that's stressful.

I know I've blurted out something that I said in complete innocence, with no read-between-the-lines intentions behind it, but only later realized what it must have sounded like to the person I said it to, as it was actually loaded with meaning to most people's minds. I figure all this out a week later after obsessing about why the person gave me a strange look or something...

So while it's nice that he said a complimentary thing like you'd look good in a wedding dress like that, only he knows if he meant something by it, or if it was just a really, really naively innocent remark about the style! Knowing that I have said something similarly loaded and in complete innocence of the effect, it can happen.

The best thing to do is to not fret about it too much. Let it go and don't let it get in the way of the budding relationship and it's real progress, rather than a projected one. I too have gotten a little excited by a guy saying stuff like this but I always found it just tied up my stomach in knots to let myself agonize and analyze. I know it's really hard, but try not to do that, and just enjoy this guy in each moment, and whatever progresses, progresses.

.



Willard
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 23 Mar 2008
Age: 65
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,647

07 Oct 2013, 4:31 pm

He's "evolving" - don't interrupt the process by drawing attention to it. Just let it happen. It may take a while.



IlovemyAspie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2012
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,030
Location: Alone

07 Oct 2013, 9:24 pm

Willard wrote:
He's "evolving" - don't interrupt the process by drawing attention to it. Just let it happen. It may take a while.


This ^^^^


_________________
Keep calm and date a short woman
I'm not short, I'm fun size!


FunkMasterMike
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 18 Nov 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 143
Location: Lancaster, CA

08 Oct 2013, 3:06 am

Why don't you just ask him what all of this means? Wouldn't that best the fastest way to clear up the confusion?

If I had a girlfriend, and she's like, "Hey I really need to talk to you and understand what [x} means." I'd tell her what it all means.



Marcia
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,148

08 Oct 2013, 6:02 am

IlovemyAspie wrote:
Willard wrote:
He's "evolving" - don't interrupt the process by drawing attention to it. Just let it happen. It may take a while.


This ^^^^


Yes. :)



mathematixal
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 7

08 Oct 2013, 8:03 am

Willard wrote:
He's "evolving" - don't interrupt the process by drawing attention to it. Just let it happen. It may take a while.



Excellent, this is exactly what I suspected would be the right thing to do in this case, which is why I decided to ask here rather than confront him about it.

The last thing I would want to cause is the "crap, why did I say that -> now she thinks I want to get married to her -> aaah this is all going too fast -> I should back away from this relationship so she doesn't get the wrong idea -> now I am even more certain I dont want to get married" chain reaction.

Somehow I thought maybe bringing attention to the comment could only be a potentially harmful thing. Thank you guys :) I will try to not let over-analysis catch me, prone as I am to it.