Relationship with Aspergers Boyfriend

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Hi, everyone. I am new to this site, and I actually only signed up in order to address a topic I have been experiencing in relation to my boyfriend, who has Aspergers syndrome. I suspect some of the issues we've experienced in the past (and are now experiencing) are related to his Aspergers, and I was wondering if anyone could offer me some helpful thoughts or clarifications. That said, I will describe the problem a bit: both myself and my boyfriend are 20 years old, he was diagnosed when he was young (elementary school age). Right now we are long-distance (I took a semester off from a university we both attend) but I am returning next semester. In the past (as well as recently) I have noticed that when I address him about something that bothers me, for example, not being able to skype frequently enough, he doesn't respond by trying to make me feel better or saying kind words--he seems instead to withdraw, and he even says increasingly hurtful, callous things to me the longer we talk about it, until eventually he just ends the conversation, either through just being silent, or because he has said something that makes me cry (he doesn't know what to do when I cry because of something he's said). What I'm confused about is why he seems to become MORE agressive, and MORE callous, when he senses he's made me upset.
To add background, when I'm sad/crying due to something that does not involve him, he is very sympathetic, very comforting, understanding, etc. It seems like when it's him, though, his only reaction is to make it worse and distance himself from me.
He has what would be considered mild Aspergers (our college friends don't know/can't tell) but it seems like it comes out when he senses he is doing something wrong/I am dissapointed with him, or when he has hurt me. I'd just like some feedback regarding his tendency to become harsher, rather than nicer, when he's hurt me, and why that might be. Also any information regarding relationships with Aspergers men would be great. This problem has recently become hard for me since I am going through a rough period in my life, and my boyfriend is pledging a fraternity, which seems to take up much of his time--a lot of these occurrences are related to my feeling that we do not talk enough, and that I am frequently lonely without him.

I think a lot of us with HFA 'quarantine' ourselves socially when we believe we lack the executive function to avoid hurting or confusing our friends. It's not an unfounded belief really, but it is a very difficult one to articulate in situ. Your boyfriend is reflecting the sum total of all your interactions with him back onto his own psyche; it's a talent really, so it's my two cents that you should simply find your own words to tell him to worry less about alienation, it's a two way street.

Thank you for answering so quickly, it's really been worrying me (as you can probably tell). So, if I'm understanding you correctly (and please tell me if I'm not), you think that his sort of "shutdown" reaction is coming out in the form of being verbally hurtful?
One thing I do is I make it clear that I realize that a lot of the time when I'm expressing frustration I'm not getting angry at him, I'm just trying to solve the problem. However, recently my capability to say this in my usual calm manner has diminished because the things he says increase in how harsh they are. For example, earlier this evening he mentioned that he noticed I seemed down from not being able to talk much. I said that I was, and that it was because I was having a tough time at home and I missed him. Instead of responding in a comforting way, he said "well I told you it would be this way, I am really busy. And if you come visit, I won't be able to spend time with you." Several minutes later, while I was attempting to explain why my home life is so sh***y (which it is) he said that he was stressed and needed to leave, with not a single response about how I was feeling or any empathy or caring of any kind. He just hung up. Can you make sense of any of this, or give me tips on getting through his "shutdown" periods so that we can talk productively? Thank you so much, any answer is a good one, I'm very worried about it but I also care very much for my boyfriend. He is one of the most important people in my life, and is very very special to me.

Your boyfriend is pledging to a fraternity? Those are the ones who drink a crapton and haze you just to get in, right? I'm 26 and have AS. That would be the last thing I'd do in college, lol!

As a man with AS, I am a blunt person. I tell it like it is. Now it is definitely tough work for me to improve my tone of voice and how I say things. I don't pick up on feelings or hints. If you want something, you should ask for it, right? That's what my momma' always told me. Most women I know love to play games, and us AS usually like to cut to the chase. If he operates like myself, then its better to walk away from an issue than to argue about it. I do that with my parents sometimes because its not worth explaining such a complex situation that has circumstances that are not typical.

Why do you even put up with this guy?
Does he add to your life?

I'm not taking sides, but both of you guys need to do what makes you happy in life.

Most autistics don't have much in the way of quality home lives. It's my best guess that he's worried that his past experiences could negatively color any advice he might give you on this topic. From there, the self-doubt most likely kicks in and he probably finds himself unable to remove the risk of more confusion on both your parts from his statements.

In answer to your question, yeah he is pledging a fraternity, but at our university, they're not really crazy or weird...they're just normal people and the only difference is that they do charity work for different stuff, learn the history of their frat, and have parties on the weekends. Nothing crazy, really. I will say, in response to your comment about feelings or hints, that I don't drop feelings or hints. I TELL him what the issue is: in this case, not being able to talk enough. The issue here is not that I am one of those women who play games or manipulate people. As a person who has dated women as well as men, I can say that I probably hate women playing games as much as the next person. The issue is that when I tell him the stuff, in a straightforward way, he has a lash-out reaction if he perceives that he is contributing to the problem. Finally, to answer why I "put up with him": It's not a "putting up with situation". I love 99% of the time I spend with him, and he is very important to me. I wouldn't give up someone as special as him based on an obstacle this small. Cberg: could you clarify a bit? Are you saying that the self doubt is sort of a cause of his lashing out?

The lash out reaction, ahhhh sounds like me sometimes, especially with my parents throughout most of my life. I am naturally defensive, socially. The times I'd lash out is if I feel like I'm being attacked or critisized about something, even if I wasn't. Its a perception issue I have. Not speaking on behalf of your boyfriend or anyone else, but yeah.

Can you tell me what exactly you said to him before he gave you that response?

Oh and 99% is great. 100% would be perfect, and nobody is perfect, rofl.

Sure, of course! We were hanging up (on Skype) and he said "you look really really sad". I wasn't feeling really really sad, so I said "I'm ok. Obviously I would like to talk to you more, because I enjoy talking to you, but I think that if you have things to do you should definitely get those things taken care of and stuff". Then he said "Well I TOLD you this was going to happen. I don't know what you want me to do; I don't know what else to tell you". I said "I'm not trying to blame you, I'm just explaining how I feel cause you said I looked sad." Then he said "it seems like you're sad all the time". I said, "I am frustrated because of [insert description of sh***y home life]. When I have problems with my family, I want to talk to you, and its hard for me when you're not available. I understand that it isn't your fault though." Then he said "this is stressing me out. I need to go." Then he hung up. What irked me about this is that describing what it is like to live in my home almost brought me to tears and he had very little reaction, even though I assured him HE wasn't the cause of it, and he wasn't at fault. He took it is if it was his fault.

"Well I TOLD you this was going to happen. I don't know what you want me to do; I don't know what else to tell you"

If this were me, here's how I'd analyze it:

The "I TOLD YOU" part would probably be my first reaction, disregarding tone of voice, and the fact that there is no reason for me (him) to be mad. After the issue is done, I would apologize because even myself would recognize is overkill. I tend to be really sorry for things after issues have "cooled" down. When I prove an important point to someone, especially about important stuff (usually debates/issues with family/friends) it can come off as "attacking," but its just me putting forth my enthusiasm.

The "I don't know what you want me to do; I don't know what else to tell you" part is actually reality. In my mind, I'd think, "You are far and I can't physically be there for you. I can't do anything except talk to you, and you're acting like I can do more for you than Skype." All emotions and feelings aside, those are the raw facts that are 100% true, cut and dry.

As for your issues, try to sleep on it...and if the issues are that bad at home, I'd suggest to try to move out and be independent, if possible. Dealing with problems when emotions aren't flying is the best.

First of all, thanks for your response, I know I ask a lot of follow-up questions. I get what you're saying about the possibility of him feeling as if he can't do anything else. That makes sense, being far is hard. The part that is frustrating for me is that I'm really not asking for him to do anything else, and I don't think that I'm making it sound that way, because I never say "you're not doing enough" or anything. I guess what I'm missing in the whole interaction is empathy: it's not really that I think he should be DOING anything, just expressing something.
With regards to the moving out: I am independent (because I'm over 18) but I am currently involved in at lawsuit (which I won't go into) which requires me to live at home until next semester. So really, I'd love to leave, but I can't. Thank you again for your responses, they are helpful/valuable but also feel free to stop answering if you feel like I'm hounding you too much.

As an aspie I think, "How would I know what someone is feeling without them telling me?" The only way I could tell (besides crying of course, lol) is if your voice is vastly changed, (like if you just got done weeping/crying)...then yeah, I'd be like, "What's wrong?" I was diagnose at 20 at now I'm 26. Sad thing is I am JUST RECENTLY started understanding the whole empathy thing. Yup, 6 years...and counting.

If you told this to me, I would understand it a bit more. I would see the simplistic statement of, "All I gotta' do is talk to her. She isn't asking me to be Superman."

If he doesn't wanna "talk about it" again, or gets in that whole attitude again, tell him that you gotta' talk about problems so they don't blow up in the future...or "Take care of the small problem now so its not a bigger problem later." As an Aspie, I love being direct, finding the root of the problem as fast as I can, so I can MOVE ALONG with everything else. Lots of arguments happen over not communicating and misunderstandings.

As far as embracing your situations, life has ups and downs. Without the downs you wouldn't know what the ups feel like.

SWatson, I am new here and I am really relating to your post. It seems to me you're encountering a lot of unhealthy behavior, and while it's good to try to understand it, at the end of the day the question has to be whether it's acceptable to you. Having a diagnosis does not legitimize bad treatment. There us probably not much we can do to change or even affect other's behavior toward us, but we can decide whether to participate in it.

My husband of ten years has Aspergers, and I've put myself through the wringer trying to understand, to find different ways of communicating, to explain myself, and so on. None of it has worked, because the problem really is not me (although I'm not perfect) but his disease. Just like you can talk to an alcoholic until hell freezes over and get nowhere, trying to have a healthy intimate relationship with someone who doesn't have the capacity for it is an enterprise that's doomed to fail.

You (and I, and everyone) deserve to be listened to and supported and comforted EVERY TIME we need it from our significant other, with no exceptions. You wouldn't shut him down if he were upset, would you?

Hi, sprock. I guess the bottom line of this situation for me is that those specific occurrences are not acceptable, but in general we have a great relationship. I think part of the reason his rare instances of lashing out bother me so much is that they are such a shocking contrast to how he normally is. I have lots of problems (he isn't the only one haha) and I have never met someone who understands them as much as he does. Usually, he is the most gentle, kind, considerate person, and he loves to be around me, he constantly puts his arm around me whenever we're together, etc. Recently, one of my past relationships turned physically abusive (obviously I left) and in part because of that experience I really value my current boyfriend and his usual calm, sweet ways. It just seems like he reads blame into my statements when it's not there; and then he lashes out. @Mike: okay. Maybe I will use that statement as a starting point of how to talk to him about it. Thank you guys for your answers.

Oh, yes indeedy!

I am an NT woman married to an AS man. We've been together for 9 years, married for 3 1/2. The AS part is a "new development" in our relationship, but the suggestion (not a formal diagnosis; a friend's wife is a psychologist and she was doing screening tests for fun) has helped me greatly. I was on the verge of making plans to leave him. But now, it's like someone handed me a map--I can't read the map yet, but it's there and I don't feel so lost anymore.

But, the above quote resonated. I don't know the particulars of your situation, but reading this reminded me a bit of me at age 20 (I am 32 now). Like you, I dated both men and women and didn't like if either played games because I didn't myself. I also had a really horrendous home life that I didn't completely escape until I was well into my 20s. I've learned through counseling that even though my spouse is not exactly like either of my male parents, sometimes I react to him the same way and some aspects of our relationship are similar, like I unconsciously sought them out because I "know" them. You might be doing the same thing with this relationship, and there is nothing wrong with that. Just as long as you are getting what you need from somewhere.

And as for him, he probably didn't think you were blaming him for how you were feeling. He probably bailed on your conversation because it was getting too much for him. "Autism"-Auto-Self. He's not looking at this situation with emotion when he says "I told you this would happen." He's looking at it completely from a logical standpoint. So when he sees you getting all emotional and not acting "logically" it can be like an "all systems failure" message. I'm only guessing at all this, but I think it might be a good guess, because I've had similar situations.

It's not all sunshine and roses, loving an Aspie. It can be sometimes, but when things go bad, they can go REALLY bad.

Hi swatson.

Nitpicking firstly. The 2nd post where you describing one of these troublesome incidents, he told you that you looked sad but you disagreed with him. But then later on in the post you say that you were nearly in tears over what was happening in your home life. Are you sure you didn't look sad before that?

Just to let you know, this is just my interpretation of this. I could very well be wrong. Take from it what you will.

I don't think the problem is a lack of empathy on his part, but a lack of understanding on your part. I don't think you're getting what your bf is trying to tell you. You're upset that you don't have enough time with him. What he's telling you is that he knew this was going to be a problem before it was a problem, and likely that you knew that beforehand as well and seemed like you'd be OK with less time spent with him. Since he has then made the decision to be a part of this fraternity, I gather you said you were perfectly alright with him being in it. But as it turns out, you're not. Not outwardly, but in a roundabout way, because you feel like you need more time with him, when he feels like he has no more time to give, and he knows that joining this fraternity has been the most recent time sink in his life.
Regardless of all the background, you keep bringing up that you can't speak to him enough, and it's putting pressure on him to talk to you more. Even though you're not necessarily asking to speak to him more. It's what you want though, you want more of his time. And he can't give it to you. So of course he's getting upset by it, and that he says he can't deal with the stress it's putting on him anymore.
As he's said twice now, he's feeling pressured by you, and not only that, he might feel like you've lied to him about how much time you want to spend with him by not seeing his joining the fraternity as an issue earlier on. Basically, he wants to do everything that he can for you and feels it deeply when he sees that he CAN'T, now that it seems like he's come up to a wall about how much he's willing to sacrifice to spend time talking to you. He's torn about it, and I suspect this is much, much more of an issue in your relationship in his mind than it is in yours.

She said she wasn't sad at the beginning of the conversation, but by the end of it was reminding her of her home life.