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It's the little things that count in a relationship

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IlovemyAspie
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31 Oct 2013, 7:30 pm

lost561 wrote:
When I'm in a relationship with a woman I always get to know what she likes and appreciates.. If she likes me to open the car door for her than sometimes I will.

I do things like leave a note on my girlfriends windshield or bring home flowers to "plant" myself in her mind while I'm not there.

I've found that American women do not return this favor that much.

For instance, my Asian girlfriend would say things like " be safe" before I got off the phone or we ended the conversation. Or nice things like that. I don't get those little messages from American or white women that much.

Maybe it's because these women from first world countries know that they have many options and say to themselves "I don't have to do this so if he doesn't like it I'll just move on to the next guy" whereas the Asian women I knew probably grew up more in a conservative household with modest living arrangements and just appreciate things more. I'm not going to argue. This has just been my experience. Sorry if I offend anybody. Not meant to.


First of all I'm American, not white, but American. Here are some of the things I've done for someone I was interested in:

Baked cookies (after asking what kind they liked)
Randomly bought cupcakes (after finding out their favorite or flavors they liked)
Left messages on windshield (@lost561my heart melted when I read that you did the same!)
Left little messages on their desk
Made homemade soup when I found out they were sick
I would always say "Be safe" or "Let me know you made it home"
I didn't do the same for all of them. I felt that would have been generic. I kind of tailored things to our relationship.

Too many things to list but I've never felt the way you mentioned. I was always looking for ways to make them feel special.


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yellowtamarin
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31 Oct 2013, 7:41 pm

Hmm...interesting...I tend to date people who don't care much for that kind of stuff (and neither do I), so it's not an issue. I think if my partner did want little niceties all the time I would find it draining to keep trying to remember to do those things. What about my want to be an uncaring b***h? :P



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31 Oct 2013, 11:42 pm

yellowtamarin wrote:
Hmm...interesting...I tend to date people who don't care much for that kind of stuff (and neither do I), so it's not an issue. I think if my partner did want little niceties all the time I would find it draining to keep trying to remember to do those things. What about my want to be an uncaring b***h? :P
Same here. I'm too practical & too predictable to think of doing & caring about that NT romance fluf like random surprises. However I do nice stuff when the situation comes up to do it like I'll hold a door open when I get to it 1st, I'll offer to get her something to drink when I'm getting up or if she makes a comment about being thirsty, I tell her I love her often, tell her I hope she feels better when she's feeling bad or in a bad mood, & I regularly ask if there's anything I can do to help.


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IlovemyAspie
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01 Nov 2013, 12:55 am

nick007 wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
Hmm...interesting...I tend to date people who don't care much for that kind of stuff (and neither do I), so it's not an issue. I think if my partner did want little niceties all the time I would find it draining to keep trying to remember to do those things. What about my want to be an uncaring b***h? :P
Same here. I'm too practical & too predictable to think of doing & caring about that NT romance fluf like random surprises. However I do nice stuff when the situation comes up to do it like I'll hold a door open when I get to it 1st, I'll offer to get her something to drink when I'm getting up or if she makes a comment about being thirsty, I tell her I love her often, tell her I hope she feels better when she's feeling bad or in a bad mood, & I regularly ask if there's anything I can do to help.


That all sounds nice! Some people do more some so less. As long as the motivation is genuine it doesn't matter.


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nick007
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01 Nov 2013, 1:10 am

IlovemyAspie wrote:
nick007 wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
Hmm...interesting...I tend to date people who don't care much for that kind of stuff (and neither do I), so it's not an issue. I think if my partner did want little niceties all the time I would find it draining to keep trying to remember to do those things. What about my want to be an uncaring b***h? :P
Same here. I'm too practical & too predictable to think of doing & caring about that NT romance fluf like random surprises. However I do nice stuff when the situation comes up to do it like I'll hold a door open when I get to it 1st, I'll offer to get her something to drink when I'm getting up or if she makes a comment about being thirsty, I tell her I love her often, tell her I hope she feels better when she's feeling bad or in a bad mood, & I regularly ask if there's anything I can do to help.


That all sounds nice! Some people do more some so less. As long as the motivation is genuine it doesn't matter.
That's how I feel. I try to be as helpful as I can out of love & concern.


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yellowtamarin
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01 Nov 2013, 1:19 am

IlovemyAspie wrote:
nick007 wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
Hmm...interesting...I tend to date people who don't care much for that kind of stuff (and neither do I), so it's not an issue. I think if my partner did want little niceties all the time I would find it draining to keep trying to remember to do those things. What about my want to be an uncaring b***h? :P
Same here. I'm too practical & too predictable to think of doing & caring about that NT romance fluf like random surprises. However I do nice stuff when the situation comes up to do it like I'll hold a door open when I get to it 1st, I'll offer to get her something to drink when I'm getting up or if she makes a comment about being thirsty, I tell her I love her often, tell her I hope she feels better when she's feeling bad or in a bad mood, & I regularly ask if there's anything I can do to help.


That all sounds nice! Some people do more some so less. As long as the motivation is genuine it doesn't matter.

Nicely put :)

I do all of those things nick007 mentioned, up to "thirsty". But I don't do them exclusively for my partner, I do them for anyone. They come a lot more naturally than random fluffy gestures, because they are more like common courtesy I suppose. The last few things on that list I'm not great at with a partner because it takes conscious thought to come up with them. I'll tell my partner I love them when it feels right to say it, not "often" because they want to hear it "often". That doesn't seem right.

I guess what I'm saying is, is it best to do all the nice things your partner has indicated they would like you to do, just because they said so? I'd prefer my partner to do the nice things that THEY want to do. It means a lot more, IMO.

(nick1007 I'm not saying that you do those last few things just because she wants you to, they might come naturally to you :) I'm only referring to my own views.)



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01 Nov 2013, 3:37 am

yellowtamarin wrote:
IlovemyAspie wrote:
nick007 wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
Hmm...interesting...I tend to date people who don't care much for that kind of stuff (and neither do I), so it's not an issue. I think if my partner did want little niceties all the time I would find it draining to keep trying to remember to do those things. What about my want to be an uncaring b***h? :P
Same here. I'm too practical & too predictable to think of doing & caring about that NT romance fluf like random surprises. However I do nice stuff when the situation comes up to do it like I'll hold a door open when I get to it 1st, I'll offer to get her something to drink when I'm getting up or if she makes a comment about being thirsty, I tell her I love her often, tell her I hope she feels better when she's feeling bad or in a bad mood, & I regularly ask if there's anything I can do to help.


That all sounds nice! Some people do more some so less. As long as the motivation is genuine it doesn't matter.

Nicely put :)

I do all of those things nick007 mentioned, up to "thirsty". But I don't do them exclusively for my partner, I do them for anyone. They come a lot more naturally than random fluffy gestures, because they are more like common courtesy I suppose. The last few things on that list I'm not great at with a partner because it takes conscious thought to come up with them. I'll tell my partner I love them when it feels right to say it, not "often" because they want to hear it "often". That doesn't seem right.

I guess what I'm saying is, is it best to do all the nice things your partner has indicated they would like you to do, just because they said so? I'd prefer my partner to do the nice things that THEY want to do. It means a lot more, IMO.

(nick1007 I'm not saying that you do those last few things just because she wants you to, they might come naturally to you :) I'm only referring to my own views.)


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01 Nov 2013, 3:56 am

Reciprocity is the most important element for a relationship to be healthy.



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01 Nov 2013, 11:27 am

yellowtamarin wrote:
Hmm...interesting...I tend to date people who don't care much for that kind of stuff (and neither do I), so it's not an issue. I think if my partner did want little niceties all the time I would find it draining to keep trying to remember to do those things. What about my want to be an uncaring b***h? :P


Amen sista.

There is nothing that will make my heart sink as much as a sight of flowers and/or a card on a Valentines Day. It's not that I am not romantic...um., actually it probably is just that I am not romantic. Sugary syrupy stuff just does not rock my boat. My ex would sometimes do stuff like that for me, like when he would go away on a business trip I'd come back to bed to find a little note under my pillow. My initial reaction was always guilt first and foremost and then I would get to the 'oh, I am supposed to find this aww'. One time I bought a silly toy and recorded myself as saying some sort of sugary message for him on it. A long time later I was clearing out the room and went to throw it out and he lounged at me horrified as he was considering it a 'treasure'. Maybe this is just Aspergers, but I remember looking at him and being really perplexed - I mean, there I was, the real, actual me, standing in front of him, and he seemed to care more about a piece of crap that had an old message from me on it. That just does not compute in my mind.



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01 Nov 2013, 5:42 pm

leafplant wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
Hmm...interesting...I tend to date people who don't care much for that kind of stuff (and neither do I), so it's not an issue. I think if my partner did want little niceties all the time I would find it draining to keep trying to remember to do those things. What about my want to be an uncaring b***h? :P


Amen sista.

There is nothing that will make my heart sink as much as a sight of flowers and/or a card on a Valentines Day. It's not that I am not romantic...um., actually it probably is just that I am not romantic. Sugary syrupy stuff just does not rock my boat. My ex would sometimes do stuff like that for me, like when he would go away on a business trip I'd come back to bed to find a little note under my pillow. My initial reaction was always guilt first and foremost and then I would get to the 'oh, I am supposed to find this aww'. One time I bought a silly toy and recorded myself as saying some sort of sugary message for him on it. A long time later I was clearing out the room and went to throw it out and he lounged at me horrified as he was considering it a 'treasure'. Maybe this is just Aspergers, but I remember looking at him and being really perplexed - I mean, there I was, the real, actual me, standing in front of him, and he seemed to care more about a piece of crap that had an old message from me on it. That just does not compute in my mind.


Not everyone is into the "sugary, syrupy stuff".And that's okay. I do think that it may have something to do with the AS however I know people who don't have AS who don't like that kind of stuff either. I totally understand calling that recording a treasure. What I'm thinking is that he knows how hard it is for you to do those things and this reminds him of the time that you did and you did it-for HIM. So it's special and something he'll want to keep. Years from now he'll play it and it will warm his heart. Or maybe not even years from now. Maybe when he's away on a business trip. He'll listen to it when he can't actually speak to you.


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01 Nov 2013, 6:06 pm

IlovemyAspie wrote:
Maybe when he's away on a business trip. He'll listen to it when he can't actually speak to you.


I really hope not or his wife will be livid :lol:



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01 Nov 2013, 6:45 pm

leafplant wrote:
IlovemyAspie wrote:
Maybe when he's away on a business trip. He'll listen to it when he can't actually speak to you.


I really hope not or his wife will be livid :lol:


oh geez didn't catach the "ex" part!! :oops: But just say they were still together...lol


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01 Nov 2013, 7:05 pm

I guess I can see it from that point of view. I used to be a bit that way myself when I was very young, I remember exchanging written notes with this boy (before the computers!) and one day he started leaving his notes for me rolled up and tied with a red ribbon. I thought that was exceptional and kept those notes and ribbons long after it all ended horribly badly.



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01 Nov 2013, 7:30 pm

leafplant wrote:
I guess I can see it from that point of view. I used to be a bit that way myself when I was very young, I remember exchanging written notes with this boy (before the computers!) and one day he started leaving his notes for me rolled up and tied with a red ribbon. I thought that was exceptional and kept those notes and ribbons long after it all ended horribly badly.


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