Women always end it with me

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Every single woman I have ever wanted either rejects me or leaves after a short while. I know I am very hard to get along with. I get really angry and upset sometimes but I am trying to work on my problem. I just have very severe meltdowns and most women think I am trying to hurt them when I did not mean for any of that to happen.

I have become increasingly depressed and down with my life because I cannot seem to make anything happen. I get too stressed out and then I blow up. I lose control of my emotions.

I need to figure out how to work on myself so women actually stay around and not leave me.

I mean I have gotten to the point where I tried to drink myself to death to avoid all the pain of my life. I amost succeeded. Now I get sober just to get beaten into the ground over and over. I didn't get sober to live this life I assure you.

My life is basically in the gutter. No money, no job, my parents are about to throw me out of the house.

All my dreams seem to have gone up in smoke. No end in sight. I want to find a woman and get married since I am already 33 and am extremely lonely.

I stayed in my last relationship so I would not have to be alone. But she left me. I feel like I am living in one of those old country songs. Lost my womanand now I am outlaw on the run. On the run from myself instead of the law. I can't sleep I can't eat I cannot get myself off because she left me cold and empty. I have become bitter and twisted. she broke every part of me and then she cam back 4 times to inflict more misery and I continued to stay until she had had enough of my bitterness and anger. She broke in half and then chopped me up into little pieces and now I am completely lost.

I am tired of love, tired of trying, tired of losing.

Born to lose and destined to fail. My life is exactly like "Ball and Chain" by Social Distortion.

If I drink I end up in waking up in the county jail. Probably for disorderly conduct or public intoxication. I ended up locking myself in my apartment and only came out to buy some beer and hard liquor. I was a fiend and a broken animal in a cage. I was basically "dope sick". I could no longer get drunk easily and I had to slam everything down just to feel whole.

Thankfully this has not happened for 11 years. If I drink I will die or worse live a life of misery and pain like you have never known or believed to be possible. I have seen hell and it is worse than what you imagine it could be. Eternal torture and suffering. That which is my life. To suffer and torture myself over and over and over. And then on top of it everyone else is kicking dirt all over me and trampling me under heel.

Alcohol is poison to me. It poisoned my mind, my soul, my family, my life. Just trying to pick up the pieces and make something of my rotten life. I have been around the block more times than I can count. Burned more bridges than many and built the bridges back up and then burned them down again. Self-destruction was my life for years. Give me a bottle I become your enemy and I will stop at nothing to take everything from you. I steal, I lie, I cheat, just to get one more drunk in me.

I was not a nice person and I would really like to remain sober so I do not start ruining my life and everyone elses again. I was a totally angry spiteful spit in your face drunk. Belligerent and egotistical and just a total jerk. I would tell people off like the best of them and drink another bottle cursing their name. I would tell people they did this to me. They made me drink. If they wouldn't have treated me this way then I would be a better person and not a drunk.

The thing is I drank every dang bottle of beer and liquor and jammed it down MY throat. I was to blame for that. I took accountability for my behavior and put the bottle down through treatment and AA. I was the only one who was choosing to drink my life away and then blame it on you. Classic alcoholism. It is all about blaming everyone except yourself. It allows you to stay sick.

Time to find a new addiction! Have you tried meth?
j/k

Seriously though, it'll do you a world of good if you can find a good, clean hobby to keep you busy. Or a few.

I should follow my own advice.

I watched Breaking Bad all the way through. That is as close to meth I will get. That show is like meth it grabs you and will not let go. Awesome. Totally awesome and mind blowing show.

I have been playing way too many video games. That is a major time consuming hobby of mine. I mean I have bought a whole bus load of games on steam lately. Man I better get busy playing all those. lol.

I mean I like to make video game art for a hobby. I also am looking for work doing that. In fact I already have a website with a few of my works on there. Need more practice though and I need to work on some new stuff. Mostly 3d modeling and then texture making in photoshop. I can paint textures and use photos for some ultra realistic stuff. I have recently wanted to experiment with more cartoony stuff somewhat like WOW or whatever. I like the hand painted stylized look like in Dishonored or Borderlands as well. Sorry you may not know about any of this or these games or whatever.

I actually have wanted to mess around with game maker and start a game project. the whole one man indie game craze is really getting going on XBox Live Arcade and Steam. I want to eventually send a game I made to Steam and go through the whole green light thing. It would most likely be a free game but it still could get me some recognition as a game artist to get into the big career I want to start. But stuff does not happen unless I get off my butt and do it. No more excuses.

My aspie-ness is mainly my artistic and creative ability in music and art. Like I have been playing guitar for like 18 years. I am pretty good at it. I also play bass guitar and played in a punk band years ago. I wrote pretty much the first few songs we did in the band. The band has been defunct for a while now. I left and then after that they were around for a few years and then called it quits without any actual releases except a demo tape.

Sorry going on and on.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3a5vN4tUl4[/youtube]

@punkguy378: Determine the single most common factor in all of your failed relationships, and you will have determined where to start making improvements.

yeah all but two of my relationships have ended with the girl breaking up with me. It still bothers me a little sometimes but I guess I should be thankful for being able to have relationships in the first place.

Well that is pretty easy since I have only had one relationship. My problem is blowing up over small things I guess. But I have struggled with this all my life. I am not sure how to change that. Some aspies have difficulty staying calm in stressful situations. I suffer greatly from this more than any other aspie I know.

I have tried medications, therapy, I even got ordered to anger management one time.

I have done extensive study and work on figuring out what my rage is based around. It mainly happens when I feel some sort of injustice against me or others. It happens when I feel threatened in some way. sometimes people do not understand what they did to threaten me because many times I only see it. It is sometimes very subtle and they are unable to pick up on it.

It is based on the fight or flight response. I am not sure why this response gets triggered so easily in me over sometimes trivial things. It is all messed up. I wish I could get rid of it. It based a lot in feelings of frustration and worry.

So I know exactly what is wrong I just am not sure how to address it. I heard exercise can help but I have not tried it yet.

I have some underlying issues with depression that need to be addressed as well. Since I tend to turn my depressive feelings into anger in a very unhealthy way. I am a very unhealthy person. I also tend to be a victim which does not help. The whole idea of being a victim is not a good thing because you turn people against you. I know I am wrong but I still do some of these things as a way to cope with pain.

There are way too many things that went wrong with my last relationship to know if this is the answer. I mean a lot of the issues I had in my last and only relationship is that I was ot entirely at fault for why the relationship ended. I had considered leaving her for awhile because she just was not making me happy. We disagreed and were too different from each other. Our personalities clashed quite a bit.

Then what did you mean by ...


Don't you really mean, "The ONLY woman I've ever wanted"?

One woman is not 'every' woman.

You've acknowledged that you are the issue, so why all this bitterness towards the women?

Another area you need to focus on, imo.........

You've had a rough time. How are you handling your drinking issues? They should be the very first thing you address; one slip-up could set you back a lot. What kind of jobs can you take with your skills? What kind of things do you like to do? How do you spend your time every day? The following is old advice but true: before focusing on relationships it is necessary to focus into being relationship material. Before being happy with someone else it is necessary to be happy with yourself. You know that already at some level, you know that you need to work on yourself, it's in your post. But you don't know how. When you're in bed at right, do you feel proud about the things you did the day before? If you don't, what do you think you could do to change that? Do you have any kind of goal in life, a goal that involves only yourself? Are you doing things to reach that goal? If you aren't, do you have any ideas? In general, are you committed to improving yourself?

Best wishes

Such a good way of measuring your happiness, if when you go to bed at night and you're collecting your thoughts, if you're happy with the way things are and what you've done. I totally agree, this will make you feel better about yourself more than being with any woman. A woman would be icing on the cake, but first you need the cake.

Breaking Bad is indeed the greatest tv series ever made. The masses CAN know what high art is :-p

There's nothing wrong with having video games be your hobby. I mean, it's a crazy dream to try and turn that into a financial success, but you're not trying to do that. Get to work on your art and ideas for a game you could make using game-maker. Not everything you do needs to be an overwhelming success either. I find that the creation of art is a huge reward as it is. You could consider joining a band again too, if you know anyone or are into the indie music scene at all in your area. How are you socially, do you spend time with friends at all? Having people you can trust and enjoy spending some time with is important too. It's possible that you put too much pressure on women you like by not having other outlets of socializing with other people.

Really importantly, don't neglect your body and health. You've made a huge step, stopping drinking. Unfortunately though, not being addicted to something doesn't mean you're healthy. Regular exercise is incredibly important. You don't need a gym membership or need to lift weights or anything. Just getting off your ass to go for a brisk 20min walk a few times a week is a great start. You're at that age that your body will start to break down if you don't look after it. The days of being able to scarf down as much junk food as you want and then feeling like you could run a marathon are behind you, (if you ever felt like that!).

Especially if you haven't tried exercise as a possible way to reduce your anger and rage.

Although this is unlikely to be you, this certainly has helped a lot of my rage issues. I found out I have celiac disease, possibly had it my entire life, but I showed symptoms of it over a decade ago and just had no clue that that would even be a possibility for me. The lack of that overbearing rise of anger that often lead to me throwing and breaking things (my husband called me the hulk the other day, looking at the stuff I broke...bent pieces of metal ) is noticeable now that I'm gluten free. Even this most recent incident of me breaking stuff I can hesitantly chalk up to me having unknowingly eaten some trace amount of gluten as I had other symptoms of having eaten some.
Importantly though, even if you had a plethora of medical issues you've had tested or measured, celiac disease, at least from my experience, was not likely to be something you've been tested for. I had to ask to be tested for it. The latest studies I've read indicate that there are more undiagnosed celiacs out there than diagnosed ones too.

@ punkguy378 I got rejected few times but one day I took a step back and it dawn on me that I should put my efforts on something else and women shouldn't be the greatest feat in life, when you have unrealistic expectation about women and relationships that's what will break you down. And yes I've given up on women and I don't approach them anymore. I'm focused on my career which is a fruitful path from my standpoint.