Broken Relationship

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^ The slip of the tongue, which is the harsh truth of what you think of someone, always happen in a moment of anger.

One time a girl I've dated for a very short time, got upset at me over something and she burst something like "I had better options than you!" - my reaction was "ok go for the other options then, I am not being an obstacle anymore" and I just walked away without looking back.

She apologized later on but I didn't accept to date her again - I was 100% certain what she said is what she really felt deep down toward me.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 26 Nov 2013, 7:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

you sound like a narcissist also. You sing yourself praises but then go ahead an contradict what you have just said about yourself. Being NT is not a blanket permission to be moody or to say things you don't mean or to have anger management issues.

You wanted your friend to be grateful for the great effort and expense you went to?

Have you ever thought about giving without expecting anything in return? Not just once or twice, but as a life philosophy?

It is possible to be able to control yourself at ALL Times to be someone who cannot be MADE to say stuff or MADE to explode with anger. You make it sound like your own behaviour is not your own fault. I am sorry that I had to be so negative, but in the context of you giving advice to someone who is already doubting their own self worth and view of the situation, I felt it was necessary to step in and offer the alternative interpretation.

Also, don't shout at people, it's not nice.

A few years ago when the rate in which we fight started increasing, he broke up with me for the first time. I calmly accepted it and began my mental preparation of how I would proceed. I began looking at apartment listings and jotted down a few numbers after he went to work. I packed up my things and although I was devastated deep down I was very numb and methodical in figuring out what I was going to do. When he came home from work and saw what I had done it was another fight! Apparently if you break up with someone when you're angry it doesn't count. Also it is insulting when someone breaks up with you if you do not 'fight for the relationship.' and if you accept it you do not care about the other person. He broke up with me a few more times after that and I took it seriously as well. So now I don't think about what I would do anymore. If he breaks up with me I just assume he doesn't mean it. If the day comes in which he is serious about our relationship being over I will just have to figure out the answer to this question then.

I think it is common for people with autism to be terrified of being in a situation where they are not wanted. It is so hard to tell if people want me around or not that I tend to be paranoid and I refuse to beg someone to be in proximity to me. The problem with this is that I appear uncaring. It isn't that I am not hurt when someone doesn't want me around, it is that I am TOO hurt and my pride will not allow me to beg for someone to be my friend.

I appreciate all of the advice and comments, but I must say that everyone who is quick to think ill of my partner should realize that they are only getting my side of the story. I'm sure most of you know how difficult we can be. While it would be nice to have a partner who would cater to me and take care of me, mine isn't that type of man and I can't hold it against him. He is a strong dominant male. He is selfish and loud and angry. And I knew it from the very beginning. I can't expect him to change and I never have. I just wish the fighting would stop. I don't mind him being himself. I think the root of all my issues is that I feel as if I can't be myself anymore. And the root of most of his issues is that he feels as if he can't be himself either without hurting me. It's just escalated to the point it's become ridiculous. I think I will tell him this and take the posters advice who told me we need to wipe the slate clean.

My partner has a good heart, but he is a confusing creature that is alien to me. I won't go as far to say that I am the reason he is angry all the time, but I know my issues certainly contribute to his anger. And while I realize I have become somewhat of a victim, I think some of the blame falls upon my shoulders for this. Once I allowed his remarks to make me feel like a victim I became one. I have to take some responsibility for our relationship issues. I used to be so strong and domineering and by the time our relationship began I had become sick of it. I WANTED a man who was dominant because I was sick of having to take charge so often in my previous relationships. Now he feels like I felt in the beginning of our relationship. Like the bad guy. It is a burden to be the dominant person in a relationship.

Oh, goodness, dear! Do you have any friends that you can talk to? Just because he's an ass and doesn't want you, doesn't mean that you aren't loved and that there aren't people who like you and want you around. Please don't say that he chased all your friends away.

I'm going through a bit of that "fear of not being wanted" with a young female friend with AS. I posted about it here.Aspie Friend with Complusive Liar Boyfriend When Tom was demoted and never bothered to tell her why, she took his punishment as her own. The weekend he was called out to meet with the group (which he tried to wiggle out of), she refused rides from people to go to the event, because he "couldn't" go. Those of us in the group have been reaching out to her, telling her honest things about herself that we like, that we miss her when she's not there, so she knows that she's welcome without him. That if things go sour with him, she is still welcome for herself.

Your post sounds like you blame yourself for the problems. That's another sign of an abusive relationship. Making excuses for him.

I've learned from the abusive relationships I've dealt with in the past, nothing will convince you to leave until your ready. For one person I knew, it was stalking, for one, it was being pushed down a flight of stairs.

I hope yours doesn't become a body bag when he gets to angry.

It's unhealthy, you should make plans to leave.

I do know its not nice to shout. Not sure where I said it weren't my fault. He wouldn't have forgiven me if I hadn't shown remorse and if I hadn't meant it. I was saying its entirely possible to say things that we really don't mean. I was trying to say that even a even-tempered person, can say s**t they don't mean.

It wouldn't be an example of that if I actually wasn't sorry about my behaviour, would it? Of course my behaviour is my own fault.

It must be nice to be able to control yourself at all times. I know I can't control myself always. I don't get angry often at all and when I do it feels like chemicals and not really me.

Your bolded statement ain't true, I never said grateful. Grateful never comes into it. He is half of me and you don't expect gratitude from yourself and you don't expect gratitude or reciprocity from real giving. What we do for each other is the always the perfect gift (no reciprocity wanted or expected or gratitude needed). What I said I wanted was enthusiasm, cos I had got excited for him. Thats really quite different to what you read into it.

Wow leafplant, totally out of line. to me there seems to be two extremes with aspies, the totally crazy irrational ones and the other side being the totally logical and calm ones and as one of the logical and calm ones I find pastafarian's posts to be consistently great.

im sorry but as a HFA person thats encountered how pig headed and negative aspies can be i find the truth and insightfulness of her posts to be really informative.

I mean, talking to an aspie can be like talking to a brick wall sometimes. I would not slate her for losing it on an aspie at all, for someone so reasonable to lose it there has to be something seriously wrong.

its not control, its something else. not sure if i could put my finger on it, its probably that some people dont direct their anger at the things that make them angry but instead direct it into other destructive behaviour.

its very debatable that its the right way to go about things. I would much rather someone tell me exactly what im doing wrong so i can change it. i know it's not a good thing that someone holds back their anger and i would personally feel insulted that someone didnt get angry at me for the things i do wrong.

but then, im a little more confident in myself and not threatened by criticism. Truth matters to me more than anything and i will not shield myself from the things im doing wrong just to spare myself. Not when shielding myself will result in repeating the same mistake over and over and over again.

Why is he still with you if you are only having sex twice a year? I would assume that if a guy is being abusive and doesn't like you, as you say, then he must be staying for the sex. But that can't be if you have sex so infrequently. What does he get out of the relationship if he isn't getting sex and he doesn't like your company? He must be getting something, otherwise he'd leave. It doesn't sound like he's so emotionally attached and stubborn about it that he won't leave no matter what, like you are.

And I'm curious, is this your first relationship? Have you ever had sex with any other men? Something I think I've noticed recently is that women who worship their boyfriends, and are unreasonably attached, are very young. I'm wondering if there is some sort of biological switch in women that makes them really attached to their first mate?

I've not read all the replied. But the thing that strikes me about your post is a theme that has often come up in my love life, and that I have seen to be extremely destructive to other people. I.e. staying in a relationship because someone pays you some attention, and staying in seems easier than getting out.

It sounds like a destructive relationship to me. You want to change him, he doesn't want to change. If you're not enjoying it, the best thing to do is get out. I know it hurts, but it will hurt less than knowing you wasted many more years on a dead-end relationship.

I feel confused by this. You say that he is not that kind of man that would cater to you, that he is selfish, loud, and angry. Why do you think that this is what you deserve? Don't you think you deserve someone who WILL cater to you, and who brings happiness and thoughtfulness to the relationship? You say these things about him like it is something you are just supposed to accept and live with because you knew it going in. But you don't have to accept it, you are allowed to require more out of a relationship. I am sure he is not a terrible person, like you said we don't get his side of the story, but at the very least the two of you are not compatible. You clearly are not bringing happiness to each others' lives. Don't you think you deserve someone who can do that for you?

Also, there should not be a dominant person in the relationship. The two people should be equals.

Treeshadow, that post is a typical post made by a woman in an abusive relationship who isn't ready to admit to herself that she's in one and needs to get out.

Some men are not as preoccupied with sex as you probably are. There's nothing wrong with being slightly indifferent to sex, nor is there anything wrong with wanting it all the time. People are different. He is not the first man I've been with that isn't that interested in sex. I'm not sure how old you are but my partner is in that time of his life where his testosterone levels have declined a bit. Also self image issues can play a huge part in wanting sex. I have researched this and found that for many men simply achieving an erection is difficult if they have any issues going on mentally. (At least this is what I try and tell myself. The lack of sex hurts me on an emotional level and the only way I am able to overlook it is to come to a logical explanation for his behavior. I know for certain it is not because he finds me unattractive and so this seems to be the only other logical explanation.)

Sometimes he enjoys my company. We have been together for some time and even when fighting there is still that sense of companionship between us. He is NT but is a lot like me in regards to socializing. He does not go out with friends, aside from a few people he's close to but rarely sees. I am close to the only human interaction he has aside from work. I too have often wondered why he has not just ended the relationship. I know he loves me and wants the relationship to work out. In theory. I just feel like he could put in a little more effort. But then again, he feels like I'm not putting in enough effort either.

Relationships are work and we both realize that. I hate how people can separate so easily. There's no sense of commitment anymore. I have committed myself to this relationship and so has he. So we weather the bad times hoping to eventually see good in the horizon.



This is actually very interesting and I do have an answer for you. When women have sex for the first time with a mate they release hormones that actually works similar to a baby bird imprinting on its mother. I am not clear if it is stronger with the first mate, but if anything the rush of hormones for the very first time must seem stronger. It is also interesting to note that I have never experienced this. I have often wondered if having autism impacts my ability to imprint on my mates. I will have to do some more research and I will get back to you on it if you would like.

I am not very young (but not very old either), and have sex with several other men. I have been in relationships that were purely physical and enjoyed them. In all of these relationships I've had, it has always been the man who seems to get emotionally invested and winds up pushing me for more. I never have a problem ending these relationships, because I am always very clear on what I want. In my current relationship I was very clear in the beginning that I wanted a partner for life. I decided I wanted HIM and I will do whatever it takes to stay true to my decision.

Also it makes me uncomfortable that you said I worship him. Is that really how this thread has made me seem? I hope that is not the case. I love him but I do not worship him. I know all of his faults and it is only recently that I have become too tired and too concerned about escalating our fights to voice them to him.



I want to start by saying I absolutely have self esteem issues and often do not feel deserving of love. I will not try to deny that, but there is a lot more to it.

I want to be with someone who treats me well, but I do not want a man to cater to me. That seems really wrong to me. I am not capable of catering to a mate. In previous relationships any time the man would be TOO kind and TOO sweet and TOO close I would end it. It makes me feel as if I am indebted with no way to repay them. I need a man who is somewhat of a jerk, because that is how a lot of people see me. They don't understand why I cannot stand it if they lay on me while watching TV, or why I get so upset when the light gets turned on, or why something as innocent as going to the store together can turn me into such a horrible witch. If I have a partner that is considerate all the time I will feel like a bad person. At least in my current situation I can say 'well he treats me way worse' and that way I do not have to own up to all the insensitive things I do. I wish I could be nice all the time and never hurt the people I love. I clearly need to work on that. Even if I don't like to be touched a certain way because I am autistic it doesn't mean it hurts my partner any less. I guess being treated poorly gives me license not to feel guilty all of the time for being the way I am.