Girlfriend is aspie and PTSD (rape based... I think)

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Anyone have any experience with this. We have been on 5 dates so far, until last night everything was going pretty good. Last night was the first night where she really allowed herself to get close to me, and while I am an aspie... so bad with social cues... it felt like she was almost throwing herself at me (I don't think there was more than a few moments all night when I wasn't driving that we weren't either holding hands, or I had my arm around her). Still when the end of the night came... no kiss or anything like that (still no first kiss , I guess I can wait longer). She now wants more boundaries... but it still feels like she is throwing herself at me a bit. I am not the type to force anything if she said no, or to push her into anything or like that... but its weird how it seems like she both wants to get close... and is scared to death of it. I get why that is, but as a guy, an aspie guy at that, it is somewhat hard to constantly get mixed messages, and a bit frustrating at that. I get that no means no... but its hard to have no come after so many yeses :-/. Anyone else have experience with this sort of thing?

I am a victim of sexual abuse and have AS as well. It's very conflicting when you know you want that level of intimacy with someone, but you can't quite read your partner's motives, and really want to avoid being hurt that way again. I don't think I can adequately express how difficult it is to really open up to someone like that again once you've been so violated.

I think the best thing you can do it give her that respect. Don't expect sex or anything like that at this point, after all, it has been only 5 dates. When sexual intimacy happens doesn't actually have anything at all to do with how many dates you've been on. How long have you been together?

When she is ready for that with you, she'll let you know, so long as she feels safe with you. And whatever you do, be patient with her. Be mindful that the experience is entirely different for her than it is for you. It's easier for men to get into this than it is for most women (provided the dude doesn't have any emotional trauma linked to sexual abuse, or ED, or something). Maybe put out there in some way that you're there for her to talk about any of her past abuse or problems, and (if you mean it) that there is no pressure to get into that for the time being.

You two will have to sit down and talk. There is no doubt in my mind about that much.

I just sat down with someone last night, whom I thought was not interested anymore. We ended up having the exclusive talk... she inititated it.

I don't know for sure how your conversation would go, but try and keep positive about it.

I can certainly understand why she's behaving this way. I was a victim of sexual abuse as well as a child, and believe me, even now, I have to prepare myself first before I have sex. I do this to assure myself that I won't be violated, and I'm doing this on my own accord.

In any case, she needs to feel comfortable with you completely to open up about her experience. It's the most difficult thing she will do. You may choose to wait. Once she feels comfortable enough, she'll let you know. It seems to me that at this point she's not sure whether or not to let you get close to her. She doubts whether she'll be safe being close to you, or if she'll end up getting hurt again.

It's a tremendous pain and devastation this kind of experience can cause to a person. It scars them for life. I know first hand. I'm 24 and I'm still not ready to tell anyone about it, not even my therapist.

Patience is key. Most women never really recover from something like this. The fact that she's started dating says she's trying to move one. Giver her time.

I was raped, it didn't really bother me. It was not violent and I was not harmed (he drugged my drink and took sex as I could not push him off me at the time). All he did at the end of the day was stick his penis up my whoo ha. The thing I disliked the most was that he broke my trust. He told me he was happy just being friends...i believed him, he lied. I would not speak to him afterwards because of that.

One of my mums boyfriends also tried to have sex with me when I was 14 and a man driving a taxi once tried to pin me down in his taxi cab but I pushed him off me and got away from him.

I can't say as I have ever suffered much emotional distress from such events. I have suffered more distress as a result of people posting stuff about me that his not true online and my not being able to find a present day lover as a result.

I love sex, and I'd sell my soul to have someone to visit museums with and come home and then enjoy intimacy with afterwards. No one seems to want to get to know me in the real world though. People don't even give you a chance to find out who you are.. which is not really fair as I can't express who I am well either online or during one date alone. I need time to bring my personality out.

Anyway I suggest the OP talk to his girlfriend. The best way is to be direct...

Then again not everyone is me...I don't experience emotions regarding my rape. I don't really feel anything other than disappointment that he was not really my friend. Not all people are the same. It is always assumed that I am heartbroken over it...i feel nowt. nothing. zip, nadda and have no problem talking openly about it without being emotional at all (people think I must be sat here in a pool of upset over it...I am not).

So you may need to treat with caution if this person is more driven by her emotions in that way.

I am more upset that I can't find a sexual partner in the present day. 38, full of sexual energy and no one to do anything fun with. Far more upsetting than a rape that happened 20 years ago.

Welcome to processing trauma. It usually makes no damn sense to anyone looking in form the outside, but all sorts of conflicting behavior can crop up from having to deal with something like an assault. Both my cousin and myself have diagnosed PTSD from different causes (mine was due to domestic violence, his due to his time in the Army) and even though he was in firefights and I was getting black eyes and knife cuts from my ex-wife we have a scarily similar set of problems. Drinking, drugs, nightmares, paranoia . . . it's not a fun time, and we've both had the benefit of professional help. I can't imagine how bad off I'd be if I hadn't seen a therapist for years, plural, as it's not something that will go away by itself.

Look, if you want advice, here it is: don't start digging into this unless you're going to be there for her for the foreseeable future. The last thing she needs is to bring out whatever trauma is in a loop in her head with you, only to have you reject her.

I'm completely generalizing there. I do understand that every single person who experiences something like this goes through different outcomes. It wasn't traumatizing to me, per se, but because of it, I cannot seem to trust anyone in any sense. I, like you, enjoy sex very much, but I have to get ready for it first. In any case, I suggested the OP to talk as well, since it's about the only thing that can be done at this point.