Aspie Partner's Anger Management Issues

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Yes I can see that the hitting shouldn't have happened in the first place but I also know when to give credit when it's due, he has toned it down and he is getting help for it!! There is really nothing more to say about this subject...

S....

I don't know how this got onto religion but I'm guess it came from the suggestion made by another poster earlier?...

I think that poster was suggesting that my partner adopts the better aspects of Christianity meaning the parts where they're meant to do good by their fellow human..

S....

Again this thread is not about religion, hitting of any sort is wrong but I think enough judgement has been passed despite the fact I have said several times that my partner is getting help for this issue, it's getting to the point where I'm getting annoyed now and I'm considering asking Admin to lock or delete the thread...

People are entitled to their opinions and views but please respect that I have already made a decision in regards to this situation even if some of you don't agree with it.

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mds_02 wrote:

Quote:

to his credit he has slowed the hitting down a little

seriously? can you really not see what's wrong with this statement?

That reminds of that book written by a fundamentalist muslim cleric on how men should hit women "gently".

In his logic:
Man hitting woman "gently" without leaving marks = Gentleman.

Man hitting woman leaving marks = bad guy.

So what was your decision?

I bet you decided to stay trying with him.

If you want to avoid getting further annoyed by this thread, ask for it to be locked. We won't be able to stop ourselves responding in all manner of related and unrelated ways. That's just how it is. We are willing to receive help and guidance about stopping ourselves from responding to unlocked threads in ways that we feel impelled to do which are sometimes aggravating and upsetting to the OP and we do it sometimes completely oblivious to the consequences such as getting rude messages from the Moderators about the quality of our posting or even getting locked out of the website temporarily or for a while.

It's your decision how you handle this.

IIRC he has ADHD too, right? That's probably contributing to his impulse control problems. Have you tried asking around on ADHD boards as well for strategies?

Another place to look might be the Parent's Discussion here; I know he's not a child, but a lot of parents here have dealt with impulse control issues and emotional regulation issues in their children, and you might find some useful tools there.

Make sure you take care of your own safety and well-being above all else.

He and I will be discussing the option of living in separate accommodation while he gets the help he needs, not only will we both have the space and alone time to think about where this relationship is going, if it can go any further or if a platonic friendship is a better option but we will also have the space and alone time to work through our financial difficulties because we're both on disability, we don't get the full rate because we're a couple and we only get $1200 per fortnight between us and it's just simply not enough to survive at this point and this is causing a lot of the problems between us as well, I work casually but sadly it's not regular work however if we separate we will both get the full rate of disability and rental assistance and if we live in cheaper accommodation through social housing it'll make it easier for him to pay his debts and live and he and I will meet up a couple of times a week or something like that..

This option actually work out better as I'm more of an introvert and he definitely isn't and sometimes we clash because of those differences but I'll only do this for 6 months and if there aren't any real signs of positive change then I'll most likely move on from the relationship entirely.

S...

You're introverted and you feel he isn't. For someone that may be an Aspie... there is a huge chance now that he is faking his extroverted traits. Men who try hard to be extroverted when they aren't often have fragile egos. I could obviously be wrong... but there are people who feel too much pressure to be someone they aren't.

He is a diagnosed Aspie as am I and in comparison to myself he is more sociable and extroverted naturally, he has his moments where he does need space and alone but I seem to need it a lot more than him and he always has to have a friend whereas I can survive a bit better in my own company, I like a quiet life while he likes to have small gatherings with friends etc.

S....

UPDATE

My partner mother is now aware of the situation and she has offered support to both of us including taking my partner to his Doctor to get the referral to see the Psychologist which he got yesterday as mentioned below, she also apparently had some stern words with him in regards to his behaviour and told him that it is totally unacceptable to hit people and since then he has made some significant improvements and has made every effort to stop the unacceptable behaviours.

Yesterday he went to his General Practioner, got a referral to see a Psychologist and he sees her of the 4th of February, this Tuesday coming I will be seeing the Financial Counsellor on my own as my partner has to help his mother out at her office which is fair enough because I can pass on any information from the Financial Counsellor if necessary.

Next week we will also be making an appointment to see the Stress and Anger Management Counsellor and the following week I will try and make an appointment with a Homeopath in regards to treating his ADHD (and mine as well) as he is understandably reluctant to accept conventional treatment due to some of the undesirable side effects such medications have.

We are also taking steps to paying off the debts he's in and I took on a debt collecting company who was in breach of certain rules, regulations and laws and that situation has been resolved.

We are both committed to making some positive changes and working on the relationship but he has also been aware that if he reverts back to his old ways we're history and I believe he has taken this seriously.

S.....

Hon, it doesn't matter what his intentions are. You're living with a man who can't control himself reliably and is now struggling not to hit you. That's a dangerous situation and you have no idea when it might turn seriously dangerous, in part because he doesn't know, either.

You need to stop kidding yourself about how much persuasive power you have in this situation, and recognize that regardless of how much you two may love each other, it's simply too dangerous for you to stay. You can skype, you can talk on the phone, you can be together in public, but unless he turns into a person who finds it inconceivable to hit people just because he's angry, he's too dangerous for you to be around him.

When people say "you deserve better than this", by the way, it's true. They're not saying he's a bad person; they're saying you should have, and should assume you will get, much better treatment.

Please get out of there. You do not have to discuss it with him first, and it isn't disloyal of you or a betrayal for you to simply go.