How do I stop women from taking advantage of me?

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When I ask women out, they very often say yes, but then they always try to lead me on for as long as they can without actually dating me. It's gotten to the point where it feels really destructive to ask women out. These days, when a really hot woman acts like she really likes me, I feel just horrible, because experience tells me I'll just get used if I show any interest in her. I figure if I can find a woman with AS, she might be more straight with me, but I don't know where I could meet women like that.

I'm 38, and I've had one relationship and one one-night-stand. Both of these were very good experiences, so I'm comfortable with intimacy and being there for a girlfiend, but both of those women made the first move with me.

Basically, we get used when we present a target and that's as much for the things we don't do as the things we do.

When women show interest, set a date with them in the near future (the next week), and if they try to rearrange it don't let them. There's a certain way to do this - when they call or text and ask to rearrange, just say "okay, call me and let me know", then delete their number. You know the fact that they tried to rearrange means they're not interested and they are actually cancelling the date (but are too much of a selfish coward to say it btw), so you lose NOTHING from cutting the contact off, whilst you've left the ball in their court open for if they're genuinely willing to rearrange (they aren't, trust me). If you don't get to the date, you know it's not going anywhere. If she doesn't show, she's out. Don't stick around.

If things aren't moving forward, stop talking to them. Don't hang around being their friend and listening to their crap as you're bound to be used for the comfort you offer. That and don't "do things" for women - some men have had it bad enough they're actually walking a woman's dogs for her and somehow expecting that's how they'll get a relationship with them. You should be willing to do exactly nothing for a woman - as that's a very fickle kind of relationship to have anyway. What attention you give her should be earned. You can flirt with her obviously, but don't give her more than one compliment per date - don't be the "build her up guy", that's too much like a friend, and she'll take advantage of that "service".

You should be looking to make some of the moves on women too. The more you date, the more likely you are to find someone, so don't be discouraged, keep trying, just stop seeing a date as 'meaning something' - it's not a big deal. All the fuss about actually getting a date, and they often end up treating you like crap anyway. Really, you should see it as the first test for her (they do with you). If there's a woman showing you interest right now, don't be turning her down - make a move. I note that women tend to be more interested in you if you're dating someone, so if you get more opportunities don't be blind to that, and be willing to date (not a relationship or friends with benefits, I just mean meeting up with them) more than one woman at a time - you're perfectly within your rights btw and so is she.

Hi I don't have ASD but, my husband did (he committed suicide in 2011) and our 7 year old also has Aspergers. I look back now after all the research and therapies for my daughter and I can clearly see now how I contributed to the stressors In his life. Had I have known then what I know now, I might have been able to prevented some of our really bad fights.

My husband was undiagnosed though and never even told me that anything was "different" about him. For the longest time in the beginning, I thought he was on drugs when he'd have twitches and such. It wasn't until my sister in law asked me if I knew that he had been in the SpED program in school or about his "issues" (I resented her when she used that word) as a child that I put it all together that he was very unique. That said, I can tell you from the perspective of "the woman" that being upfront with women and telling them from the beginning will likely help your chances in a relationship.

Now, that's not to say that there aren't women out there that will take advantage of your inability to read them or your ability to read them better than most (depending on your specific abilities/or inabilities with regards to that). When you were in these relationships or well when the women that led you on did so, had you told them that you had Aspergers? If so, it could be that these women simply didn't know how to deal with that fact. If you didn't share your ASD with these women, it's likely that you were showing some of your Autistic tendencies and it kinda freaked them out because they didn't know (kinda like when I thought my husband was on drugs in the beginning).

Even after 7 years of being together, some of my husbands characteristics freaked me out. But, once my daughter was diagnosed and there was no longer that question in my mind about WHAT was "different" about him, I no longer felt that way. It's true what they say, "knowledge is power". In addition to sharing you ASD with a women from the beginning, you might also explain how it affects or could affect your interactions with them. Just saying you have Aspergers may not be enough to help them actually understand.

On a final note, I'm assuming your a visual man and therefore, look for "hot"
Women. Sometimes, "Hot Women" know they're hot and tend to use it to get what they want. That doesn't mean ALL women are like this. Don't allow yourself to believe stereotypes about women because it will likely plague any relationship you have. My husband worked offshore and the men on those boats really tried to put it in his head that all women are out to get what they can and screw a guy over and that, because I wasn't really being intimate with him anymore because of a nerve injury in 2009 and the hateful words he'd spew when he was angry, that I HAD to be getting it somewhere else. Nothing could have been further from the truth. But, he was quick to believe these negative ideas and with so much alone time on his hands driving 12 hours to another state to work and then while at work, he got lost in his own mind I think and really believed I was cheating. I never even looked at another man. I loved my husband and he's was ALL I wanted or needed.

Anyway, I hope maybe something I've said helps your situation. I'm sure you're an amazing guy and you deserve to have a happy healthy relationship. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to get some feedback on a specific situation with a woman. I couldn't help my husband then but, maybe I can help someone else to honor him at least. Good luck and it's awesome that you took this step to seek advice. I don't think you necessarily should limit yourself to women on the spectrum but, I can see why you might want to.

Back in the day, I set a limit of 3 date requests before I'd give up on any one woman. There was no sense in courting a harassment charge or a beat-down from her brothers.

The 'fun' part (a.k.a. the 'schadenfreude') would occur later when the woman who had turned me down would see me on a date with another woman, and then hint that she was still available. Watching her reaction when I turned her down "... because I'm in a relationship ..." and "... I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend ..." was priceless. I could imagine her suddenly realizing that having a boyfriend who was both loyal and faithful meant more than having a boyfriend as a fashion accessory.

^

I like this, 'tis well said.


There are too many women who will fight for what is unavailable, rather than put some effort into getting a partner who is genuinely happy to receive and reciprocate the attention.

When women show interest, set a date with them in the near future (the next week), and if they try to rearrange it don't let them. There's a certain way to do this - when they call or text and ask to rearrange, just say "okay, call me and let me know", then delete their number. You know the fact that they tried to rearrange means they're not interested and they are actually cancelling the date (but are too much of a selfish coward to say it btw), so you lose NOTHING from cutting the contact off, whilst you've left the ball in their court open for if they're genuinely willing to rearrange (they aren't, trust me). If you don't get to the date, you know it's not going anywhere. If she doesn't show, she's out. Don't stick around.

Sorry I don't remember who posted this comment but, I just want to say that maybe you shouldn't blow off a women after just one reschedule. Especially if said woman has kids or something like that. We do sometimes need to reschedule for actual valid reasons. So, it might not be that she's trying to blow you off. I'd set a limit though. If she tries to reschedule a second or third time then absolutely, delete her number and move on. Don't set yourself up for failure by assuming from the beginning that someone is out to use you or is blowing you off. Especially if she approached you for a date.

Sweet revenge...

Perhaps, but if she genuinely wants to rearrange, the responsibility of that is on her. It shouldn't be on the man to chase her around to get her to go on a date that she herself cancelled. A deleted number doesn't stop her calling you, it's just the fact if she doesn't do the 'work' of this for herself, then you know she's gaming you. You 'must' chase her, and they always end up being the women who you just talk to and nothing materializes, they 'fade away' or you just get lead on etc. Genuine women will only cancel for emergencies, and I think it's gullible to assume this is likely.

Any reason but an emergency is disrespectful of the arrangements you made - I've had it where I had more than one offer, and the girl cancelled, so there is more than just a time or monetary cost involved - an example is when you could have worked that day yourself but she took the overtime at her job because the money was more important (I've had this happen too btw). If you miss other dating opportunities that's a higher cost than just a days work, or perhaps you could have been having a good time with friends rather than being stood up by someone who didn't even have a good reason.

When they are using you right in front of your face, pretending to like you, tell them to piss off. That usually works for me. It also lets jerks know I'm not too fond of being used as an emotional pin cushion.

I had a coworker I liked think she was using me. Every sunday she would have a migrane and ask me to cover her shift. I was usually fine with this because I was just gaming anyways and it was netting me an extra 200$ a month. One Sunday I was out with friends and got the call from her and said I couldn't do it that day and she flipped her s**t. She has some good reasons actually. She was busty and they were putting her alone with the LF autistic male in a swimming pool during that shift. She may have been using the time to meet with her BF as well. Anywho I told her that I'd accepted there was nothing between us months ago and I was taking the shifts for the money and that I couldn't cover the shift when I already was out with my own stuff. She quit the next day.

If she had taken the complaints to our boss like an adult then I'm sure they could have worked something out where she wasn't getting molested. As it stood I was surprised they put her in that position in the first place and that she didn't advocate for herself.

I totally agree with you that it's on her to reschedule. No man or woman for that matter should have to put up with games. Idk how but, somewhere along the line, I became one of those women that was faithful and didn't play games. I also, tend to always give someone the benefit of the doubt. So, I can agree if she doesn't reschedule within a few days, blow HER off.

Thanks for the replies...

It takes a lot of luck to find a day when we're both free. Some people have 2 jobs. It generally takes 2 weeks minimum to set a date. These days, I give them a month before I stop calling.

I've never known a woman to reschedule without a good reason, but I'll remember to take this advice if she pulls some other stunt.

The problem is that a date is a big deal simply because it's so rare. I've had only one date with a woman I've asked out who didn't say she wanted to be just friends. They won't even give me that "first test", and it seriously drives me crazy that it should be so difficult.


The relationship I had was before I learned about AS. The one-night-stand was more recent, but I also did not tell her about it. With the other women, I always tell them about my AS the first time we hang out. I'm not aware of any concrete problems that my autism might cause with women. Once I'm intimate with a woman, it becomes a lot easier to understand her feelings, but I have no idea how to get to that point unless she takes the initiative.

Some women will set dates later on purpose - this is done with the idea that creating this distance will make you more interested, and ensure they find men who are patient and ready to work hard and settle down for something more long-term. I'm careful of women like this because I think they're trying to make me 'work harder' or worse condition me to behave a certain way. I've dated women before who whilst talking to them in the mean time waiting for the date, had ample free time off (two days in a row for example) that was closer. If you seem impatient with that, I can see more 'serious' women blowing you off.



Well that's the thing. Often good reasons turn out to be cock-and-bull stories, and the more you hear them and realize they are common the more you start to suspect they're not genuine reasons. You can find women who give dating advise on the net who will tell you that basically, if a woman wants to make time for you she will, despite her ultra busy schedule she will make sure of it. A common excuse for not being available is the sick relative - it's rock solid because you'd have to be a complete douche to question her motives. Or they'll use the same pretence to 'fade away' after the date. I don't think getting annoyed or even telling them the whole thing is off helps, but I do believe in leaving the ball firmly in their court - if they genuinely want to rearrange they'll have the courtesy to put in the effort with you.



Yep, to people like you and me it's a bigger deal than it is for others. But I think it's our attitude of how big a deal it is that undoes us here. If we treat it like a big deal, which we're apparently supposed to do even if they don't, I think it just gives them the impression we're already sold on them - for that reason these days I keep my distance after the date arrangements are made, unless she approaches me to chat. If you can ever be assumed to be needy for any reason, you're guilty of it without a doubt and they just seem to fade away from there.

Sorry for replying to this late, I just thought the perspective would be useful. I'm sure some women are more genuine, but I tend to be careful and give less chances now because more chances and being understanding is how you tend to get messed with.

Yes, exactly. It's an easy habit to fall into, but I think there is a lot to be learned about how to behave without playing games, an example being knowing how much space to give someone, or as I said above, not contacting people once the date is arranged unless they seem to want to talk. Also most women seem to expect you to wait at least 24 hours before you contact them after the date, else you're needy. So, there's something to be said for going ahead more cautiously I suppose, but in an ideal world you don't tolerate anything that comes down to game theory.

I may be wrong but perhaps some of the women are playing hard-to-get which is a technique that might get a typical NT guy to like her more but just frustrates the hell out of us Aspies

Nick007, that strategy of "hard to get" usually never works on a polite or sincere type of person. The reason why IMO is these people would fear coming off as desperate or needy, and it goes against the rules they might have for themselves.

OP. if you feel you are being taken advantage of (and this is advice I have seen on the POF forums before as well, but was referred to as "fixing your broken pickers"), try the following:

1. Look at your experience with dating and asking girls out, and what you're attracted to
2. Have you met them face to face beforehand or not? Where do you usually meet them?
3. For those you have met, what did you notice about them? What attracted you to them?
4. What do these girls do to turn you off?
5. What can I do to avoid having these bad feelings moving forward?
6. What kind of girls do I not want to date?
7. What have I said to or done, and what can I do to improve myself? (this question cannot be forgotten about, but remember that you can't accept the blame for what happens beyond your control. You are living and learning.)

Write it down on your own if you need to.