Help me (NT) understand my friend (AS)

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I imagine that if I were this guy, I would have no reason to think that you have any sort of romantic interest in me at all whereas you've given no indication of such. A girl acting friendly with me isn't too new; I personally would probably assume you're trying to exploit my feelings somehow since that's oftentimes the case (Not saying that he thinks this). Like the other posts said, you have to be explicit in telling him that you're interested in a romantic relationship. Like actually saying "I'm interested in having a romantic relationship with you."

He might not want to go to movie theaters he isn't comfortable with since us aspies are uncomfortable with uncontrolled social environments, especially those with a lot of people. This theater that he's naming off may be one that he feels more comfortable with.

I could interpret what you said as either friendship or romantically interested.

If he's assuming friendship, then he'll act accordingly.

Him wanting to go someplace specifically instead of another place isn't related to you at all. It's related to where he's comfortable being, what he's comfortable doing, etc.

Another misinterpretation on your part. Movies aren't just about getting a date, he actually wants to see this movie in that language. In fact, him having aspergers probably means he has some language issues himself and the language the film is in may greatly affect his perception of it.
I mean, perhaps in his mind he thinking 'Why would she want to date me and go to a movie that she doesn't want us to see? Going to movies isn't very romantic usually, you're paying attention to the movie, not the other person. There's hardly any interaction between a couple at a theatre"

You missed out on what he was saying too, about going to a different town. He didn't say 'no, I don't want to go out with you'. He offered you something else he'd rather do with you instead, that's a positive in my book! Why do you need to see this movie anyways? Why wouldn't driving to wherever he wants to go a date in and of itself?

You're both talking past each other.

You need to get used to the fact that he won't pick up on things in conversation that you want addressed specifically. If it's really that important to you that you address it, repeat your question, as clearly and unambiguously as possible. It's that simple. Ah, but of course divulging feelings can be hard no matter what the circumstances.

Also what has been mentioned multiple times, there's a good chance he still doesn't quite trust you or believe that you might be interested in him romantically.

He's not outright turned you down at all, he just keeps suggesting other activities to you. I don't know why, in my understanding of your reactions, if you don't really care what activity you do, as long as it's together, that you wouldn't accede to his requests.

Also, it seems like this town might have a special connotation for him, since he was there on his birthday last and it was awhile ago?
Why don't you just ask HIM why he wants to go to that town, instead of asking US why he wants to go there.

I hope no one else has already addressed the portion of the above quote that is in bold. The problem with AS is that we cannot analyze the situation and come to the right conclusion. That is what makes AS a disability. We can be intelligent in other areas, but we are severely lacking in social intelligence (I would say socially ret*d). It is also very hard for us learn the social rules, and even if we are able to learn the rules, sometimes it is hard for us to apply them. It would be realistic to expect a normal guy to pick up on your hints just from the context, but it would be unrealistic to expect an AS male to pick up on those clues because, on top of being neurological limited in his ability to pick up on social clues, he probably doesn't have the social experience to understand, when a girl says _________ in _____________ situation, she means _________ and expects me to do ___________. It can be frustrating, but you probably have to spell it out.

The only time I know a woman is interested in me is when she literally says "I am attracted to you." I have almost a 100% rejection rate when I approach women, so I will never assume a woman likes me if she is subtle. I always assume the opposite, even if the woman is obviously flirting with me or checking me out. it is like a psychological barrier that comes with repeated rejection and humiliation. Perhaps you can find a time when you are hanging out with each other to simply say, "I am attracted to you," and ask, "Are you attracted to me?" Even if he is attracted, I doubt he will have the courage to say so unless you tell him you are attracted to him first.

@all

Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts with me which really helps me a lot!

@Deuterium: My heart is not (yet) broken with this guy I'm just confused and need some advice. If I hadn't a clue however why he is behaving in a way that seems rude to me, I would probably react similar as the girls that you describe.

@aspiemike: You are right and I will stop pursuing him as soon as I realize that either he is not interested and/or I don't feel good with it anymore... oh, and the club is a chess club

@GreenhouseGashes: Thank you very much. What you suggested sounds very good. I could easily say things like these without feeling awkward. I'm drawn to him for so many reasons....

@nick007:

Maybe this is due to a translation mistake of what I really said to him in my mother tongue. Which part of my question is giving you this impression? Is "going out" reserved for dating?

@crubs: What do you think about the suggestions that GreenhouseGashes made? Would that be obvious enough?

And you might be right with the theatre because the one we are going to now is a very small and old one and not one of the new gigantic cinemas.

@cavernio: Thank you for your insights. You said many important things that help me understand his reactions, And yes, you are right: If he is thinking that I'm only interested in a friendship his behaviour is reasonable. And I must admit that meanwhile I remembered something I said to him that actually inidicated that I'm only interested in him as a friend. Stupid me!

By the way, the town he suggested is my hometown (he knows it) so it has a special positive connotation for me

@em_tsuj: That is very interesting. You are certainly right that social experience is neccessary to make a reasoned assumption (apart from the fact that assuming friendship is safer). With regard to telling him straightforward that I'm attracted to him: don't you think what GreenhouseGashes suggested is still not obvious enough?

I forgot to tell you. On Friday evening at our chess club he (out of the blue) told another guy (who I think is interested in me) that we are planning to go to the movies together

If he was NT I would interpret that as a way to tell the other guy to keep his hands off me

You could just look for another man.
There are many out there.

It's not necessarily reserved for dating but I think usually it essentially means date when that phrase is used in regards to the opposite sex. I've been friend-zoned alot by women so I would interpret the question as the woman wanting to hang out with me because she thought I didn't like her as anything more than just friends. I cant speak for your Aspie or any others on this but I personally believe I'm incompatible with NT women because of major communication issues like that. I have dyslexia too in addition to Aspergers so that may be some of it but I sometimes tell people I'm very direct & straightforward & they need to be that way when talking to me. They act like they understand but they don't fully get it or the extent or they cant always analyze from that perspective & then we eventually have a major contamination misunderstanding because I misinterpreted something & they misinterpreted their response. Your Aspie may not be as communication impaired as I am with NTs but sense your having communication misunderstandings I would suggest thinking of it as him always having issues like with lots of things within a relationship if you did get in one with him so you would have to kind of learn to speak his Aspie language with him so the speak. Only you can decide if that's something your prepared to work on & handle or not.

For me, the straightforward way works best. The only women who get anywhere with me are the ones who are brave enough to express their interest in me in no uncertain terms.

The stuff GreenhouseGashes wrote would not work on me.

You never know. On the way to movie or after the movie, the conversation might come up.

Here's a less indirect way that has worked on me. The girl simply asks, "Is this a date?"

It forces him to kind of clarify things without you putting your heart on the line. If a girl asks me this question, I kind of get the idea that they are thinking of me in a romantic sense OR they would not be creeped out if they thought I was attracted to them. It makes me feel more confident that I can flirt with her and not get rejected.

If you choose to go this route (asking him if going to the movies is a date), look at his body language. If he is anything like me, he will have a hard time hiding his feelings. For instance, if he says "no" but is lying, he will do a terrible job of being convincing.

i don't think anyone addressed this, so ... for me its two part

1. i don't have a lot of money to be spending on girls that won't work out emotional, most my money is for dates, so i don't go out with friends not that i have any.

2. maybe its just my mind, but i can't wrap my head around girls as friends, aside from texting. I don't get why a woman would want to hang out with me if not dating. so i don't go out with girls who only want friendship. just gives me anxiety and feels awkward just thinking about it. i don't even understand why they request friends on facebook.

idk if that's his problem, but that's some possible reasons from a aspie guy.

also ditto on the being rejected so much, have some girls messaging me on a dating site and idk why . women can't love me and besides they too far away, actually makes me anxious as i don't know what they want.

Update:
Unfortunately our "date" went terribly wrong because the motor control lamp of my car lit up when we were heading for the motorway, so we turned around and drove back. I was very disappointed and I guess he as well, however he managed to hide it. I suggested to see another movie in our home town cinema, but he decided that he would rather spend the evening at (his) home. When we were at my house again (he had parked his bike in my garden) I invited him in. He agreed and as usually we talked about many things (our common interest but he also told me a lot about his family and his background). He stayed for more than two hours and I realized that he was curious about how I lived (this was important for me to notice because usually I'm the one asking the questions and showing interest in him.). I wasn't in the mood however to tell him about my feelings or ask him about his....

In regards to asking him questions or vice versa.

Are you surprised that he asked some questions? Or was there something else that effected your mood that made you not want to answer?

Thats a misunderstanding. Of course I answered his questions. His questions were about general topics regarding my life (job, dog, etc.). However I wasn't in the mood to tell him that I'm attracted to him. I was still disappointed because our plans for the film hadn't worked out.

And so I still don't know whether he sees anything more than friendship between us.....

Well, I won't state the obvious (as it has already been stated). But you will have to ask yourself if you have the courage to do it or wait for him. I don't sense he is the traditional type at all. Sounds more sincere and polite if you ask me.

He isn't interested
I told him today that I like to talk to him but have the impression that he is more interested in the subjects we are talking about than in me as a person. He answered that he likes to talk to me as well but he doesn't need to talk to me more often than before and that it is true that he is rather interested in the subjects than in me
Wow, brutally honest....

I realize now that this is not working for me - not even for a friendship.

I don't want to be mean here, but you're still being pretty indirect here. Remember, you're talking to an aspie, so he can't really visualize how his words affect you. He can't adequately visualize what you're thinking. Theory of Mind deficits and all that. The way you phrased your questions, it would appear that your conversations were about him and his needs, not yours. Aspies have a very hard time thinking outside of themselves, and that's where his focus will be unless you do something extremely explicit to make it clear you're not talking about him.