Relationships are confusing. (HELP! please read!)

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(VERY LONG BUT PLEASE READ!)

I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for just under 3 months. We started hooking up about a month before that, and we've been friends for roughly a year. We have a lot in common, and I'm very attracted to him, both physically and mentally, but I barely feel like we're in a relationship, we're more like roommates who have sex sometimes (he doesn't technically live with me, but he stays with me). We share common worldviews and experiences, and we like a lot of the same stuff. We have good conversations on stuff like TV/movies, activism, recovery (we are both recovering addicts), even relationships, though usually more in general terms than about our own relationship. He is pretty open and willing to talk about stuff, I'm just not good at voicing my concerns.

So a little back story here, when we got together we talked about the possibility of having an open relationship or something similar. Not specifically that either of us wanted that, but just that we didn't want to rule it out. We had been talking a lot about unconventional relationships such as polyamory and open relationships. Neither of us had any experience with either, but we were also not opposed to the idea that such relationships could be successful and valid.

Another back story, before we started officially dating I had hooked up with 2 other guys, one of which is my next door neighbor. The best I can describe him is a very attractive, charming alcoholic who builds bombs for a living and whose touch just turns my knees to jello, which is very different from my boyfriend, who while definitely attractive and arguably more trustworthy, and with whom I share much more in common (my neighbor and I have very different views on things), and although I have always thought he was attractive, I never really had that butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling around him.

One last back story (sorry this is so long!) Before my boyfriend and I started hooking up, I was seeing this guy (a mutual friend) I was totally in love with. Like, completely nuts over. We were only seeing each other about a month, and not officially dating, but when he was around, nothing else mattered. He ended it by text saying he met someone else (turned out to be another mutual friend). They were engaged 4 months later. I was pretty devastated by all this, which is why I started hooking up with these other guys.

So anyway, I decided to end it with these other guys and ask my current boyfriend out (I never asked a guy out before, they always asked me out, I've had much more dating experience than many Aspies I know and was married 6 years) He was hesitant about getting into a relationship and I told him I didn't want to pressure him, but I also didn't want a repeat of my last "relationship", feeling like I'm just the person he's sleeping with until he found a girl he really liked, and he said he understood. I told him maybe we could just try and see how it works out, and he agreed. We had talked a lot about relationships and we both agreed that we would try to keep open and honest communication and if we felt we needed to make a change we would talk about it, and at the very least we would try to leave each other better off and not play any stupid games. I felt/feel that he is a safe person to learn about what I do and don't truly want in a relationship with.

Anyway, things were going along pretty normally until a couple weeks ago. I was outside talking to my neighbor, it was late, and my boyfriend was in bed (pretty common scenario, my neighbor and I are both night owls, and both come outside to smoke, we usually talk about coding and comics and stuff, no big deal. I wasn't tired, so he asked if I wanted to come in for a bit and see some video he was watching (again, nothing unusual for us) his computer is on his floor because he doesn't have any furniture save for a mattress in the bedroom, so we sit in front of the computer watching stuff and talking, but we're kinda moving closer, arms touching, he rubs my back and smiles. Next thing I know we are making out and I have very little resistance when it comes to him. He keeps trying to go further but I push him away. Finally, I tell him I need to go outside to cool down and have a smoke. He apologizes, and is obviously very upset with himself for lack of self-control (he was never forceful, but his hands kept making their way back down after I pushed him away) of course, he's drunk, as usual.

I tell him I should head inside. My boyfriend is back up and watching a show on his laptop. He probably knows what was going on, but just said hey, and didn't seem disturbed. I am feeling very bad, so I tell him what's going on. I asked if it bothered him, and he said not really.

I wrote to him later over FB (not feeling very articulate) that I was worried I had hurt him and said I would be ok if he did the same thing and maybe we could be happy in an open relationship, and he reassured me it was fine, but didn't say whether he wanted to have an open relationship or not.

A few days later, I was over at my neighbor's house and we basically picked up where we left off. I told myself that if my boyfriend was okay with us making out that he would be okay with us sleeping together, and we did.

So anyway my neighbor just started dating this girl from I-don't-know-where who flew in over the weekend. He kept referring to her as his ex even though his FB said in a relationship, and just today told me "this girl I'm quasi-dating is upset with my drinking" (well go figure) IDK if she's still here, I never saw her face (just her voice, while they were f*****g, sheesh) which is probably because girls don't like it when their boyfriend calls them their ex or says they are quasi-dating (my theory, anyway).

But really, I didn't plan on sleeping with him anymore, so it doesn't bother me, but it did make me realize that what I told my boyfriend was pretty much a lie: I probably would be bothered if he made out with or hooked up with another girl while we were together (I'm not particularly jealous, just too self-conscious and needy to deal with an open or poly relationship). I told him that, and that I probably just told him I'd be ok with it because I thought I would be, and because it would seem unfair to say that it wasn't ok for him but ok for me. I think I realized that that was the reason I felt so guilty about it. I thought it only mattered if HE was ok with it, but really I just wound up making myself feel guilty.

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Okay, so HERE is where I'm at NOW (whew, finally!)

My boyfriend and my relationship is pretty stagnant, it seems. We get along fine, don't fight, and have a mediocre sex life. We have good conversation. We don't do much exciting, since we're poor as s**t, we watch some shows together which is cool, but really, I don't see it going anywhere. I'm thinking we might have been better off as friends.

I am not interested at all in my neighbor as a boyfriend or anything like that (I never was, and thankfully, I already didn't trust him before this whole ordeal, so it really hasn't changed my opinion other than the fact I have a more concrete reason not to trust him. He at least knows I have a boyfriend, and that my boyfriend said he was ok with it, which I'm not too sure if that's true or not).

I just wonder lately why we are really together. Is it because we both like each other well enough that we don't necessarily feel like breaking up? Does he see potential in this? Is it the convenience? (He has a car, I don't. I have my own place and a valid drivers license, he doesn't, plus we have each other to quell our boredom), something else? He says he hates mind games and all that and I have never been the type for that either, I try to be as honest as I can even when it's hard. (I haven't told him yet that my neighbor and I slept together though because I'm trying to figure out what to do) so I have been just taking him at his word when I ask him something, even when I feel like he might not really be being completely honest, though he really stands nothing to gain by being dishonest, other than avoiding a conversation, maybe.

I'm not sure what to do! Do I

A. Keep going like I've been going and basically wing it
B. Tell him about sleeping with my neighbor and see what he says
C. Ask him where he thinks this is headed and why he wants to be with me
D. Break it off before I make it any worse
E. Something else?

If you read this whole thing, THANK YOU! I need all the insight I can get.

Hey there. So, let me start by asking you a question.

Is your boyfriend somebody that you would want to spend the rest of your life with in a monogamous relationship? (that means no sex, no kissing and no erotic anything with any other guys)

Then I can answer all your other questions

Probably not, really, and I don't think he view me in that way either, which is why I am wondering why I am in this relationship. It's not to say that I think all relationships have to have that goal, I don't really believe that. If I am happy with someone for a time and we decide to go our separate ways, I'm okay with that. The thing here is I am not particularly happy or unhappy, I'm just "okay" and I think he is, too. I love him in a sense but I don't think I will ever really be in love with him, and I wonder if we would be better off as friends.

Well there you go, I think you mostly answered your own question.

Being comfortable in a relationship is hard because having to break it off always sucks. Feelings are usually a mixed jumble and you aren't always sure of whether you'll be hurting the person or not. But in the end, though the other person does matter, you matter even more because this is your life!

So just to tap on the questions you asked:

A. Keep going like I've been going and basically wing it
No, probably not since you just said you probably don't see yourself with this person.

B. Tell him about sleeping with my neighbor and see what he says
I wouldn't? Just because that WOULD hurt him. And since the relationship seems to have stagnated, no reason hurting feelings.

C. Ask him where he thinks this is headed and why he wants to be with me
This is probably closer to what you should do. But I'd do it in D:

D. Break it off before I make it any worse
Yeah, I would tell him that you care greatly for him, but that you want to move on. That is FAIR, by the way.



Realize that dating is important in the grand scheme of things. You don't hop right into a marriage because you want to test the waters first. Once you've found someone you're interested in then the relationship grows and develops. If it reaches the point that you want to wind up together for life, great! If it doesn't, it's always best to end it as soon as you realize it will never go there to prevent stagnancy and hurt feelings. Plus you've only got limited time on this earth and you're better moving on and using that time to [hopefully] find that right person sooner! :D


Edit: I want to say that you should talk to him anyway. You might find out that he cares about you but doesn't want to be tied to you (so to speak.) So you guys might both have similar feelings and not known each other has felt that way for some time. Even still, talking to him is the way to go. :)

Thanks for the advice. You are right in that I already kinda know the answers, but I always like to get some perspective on big decisions.

I am kind of afraid in that I still have this unhealthy need to be with someone but I know I have a long way to go with myself, and I know that he does too, and I think that we are keeping each other from that, mostly just providing each other with easy distractions. I really value him as a friend and I know I'll be seeing him around as we are both in recovery and have many friends in common, although we have become one of "those couples" that kinda drops off the face of the Earth, and haven't been spending much time with friends, save for a few close mutual friends.

I hate the idea of ending a relationship just due to this, but I know that it is valid and much better than ending it in a fight and hurt feelings. My last several relationships ended very dramatically, and the only one I really talk to any more is my ex husband and that's 90% because we have a 5 year old son together.

Ending a relationship because it's not working out is a totally valid reason to end a relationship, just to agree with what you said. As a matter of fact, it's better to end a relationship with someone that isn't working out than to have a blowout with someone that really would work out in the long run. It's healthy but difficult because as you said: needing to be in a relationship is a strong desire for you. Being single is hard if you want to be romantically involved because you don't get the things that people who are in relationships get like make out time or sexy time or what have you.

If you've got more questions I'm always around. Hope I helped. :)

A. Keep going like I've been going and basically wing it
B. Tell him about sleeping with my neighbor and see what he says
C. Ask him where he thinks this is headed and why he wants to be with me
D. Break it off before I make it any worse
E. Something else?

I think a combination of A B and C
while trying E which will evolve from A B C
If you find the outcome unsatisfactory then
try D

I'm not too worried about the makeout/sex thing... If it's that important there is no shortage of potential booty calls, lol, although I do try to be careful. Like I said earlier, I don't like games, and I try to stick with partners that are trustworthy (save for my neighbor, who I always liked but never really trusted, but I just ignore that part because he's amazing in bed).

Luckily I have a good support network. Damn Facebook though... you know any time you change your relationship status on FB people start trippin (we have a LOT of mutual friends). Sometimes I wish I wasn't so damn addicted to Facebook. It's fun to stay in touch and pass time when you're bored, but it's just way too easy to get over-involved in people's lives!

Lol, yeah dat Facebook... generally not a fan of publicizing personal information. I don't need Facebook having ties to everything. And yeah, the status change stuff can get a little out of control ;D

I've always said friends are the best judge of how your relationship is truly going. They have the external and mostly unbiased view. Generally the only people who freak out over status changes are the people who haven't talked to you in six months.

Common sense \o/

I don't know about stuff like this.

try doing things one at a time. stay away from the confusion. don't be a fluzzy. it can hurt others, and yourself. Since your a girl, if he does not desire you, that can usually be of the most importance to you. Your neighbor is a dink, and has no care about your live in boyfriend. if I were you, I would take a log hard look around before you just go doing things that make you juicy. please, forgive me for being me.

As I said, we were considering an open relationship, we had agreed that if that came up we would deal with it, and he said it didn't bother him, though if it did, he should have just said so, and I'd have not taken it any further. I tested the waters of that idea and decided it wasn't what I wanted, so I stopped.

I am confused as to what "doing things that make you juicy" means...

Openness (disclosure) in a relationship is always the best call. Especially when I comes to trying to decide to keep a relationship going. Open relationships, as far as I know, require disclosure to your partner about what's going on. I think not telling your current bf about your sexual relationship with your neighbour is lying.

But in general, your relationship needs to be built on truths, not assumptions, no matter what that truth is. Don't assume that he's biding his time with you just because he's not a jealous man or is sort of half there right now. You should tell him how you feel about you and him, and find out how he feels about you. Right now you're trying to make a decision on what you assume he's feeling, not what he's actually feeling. Although, from the sounds of it, what he's actually feeling might not even matter as far as you're concerned...but don't be like 'he's not into' when you don't know that.

For the record, I married a man who never gave me butterflies and I've just split up with him for the madly-in-love feeling with another man. We were together for 7 years.

You're right, I shouldn't make assumptions. It's not that I'm particularly unhappy, I just have some major concerns...

I'd probably go with either C or D.
But most likely C because I would at least want to know what he thinks first..


And also I just wanted to say hello to a fellow recovering addict. I am one myself. I'm just a month shy of having one year clean. Congratulations on your sobriety.

D and tell him why, tell him that you've cheated him and you find that player-dominant drunk sexier.

And stop wasting his time.