Any advice for problems with in laws?

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This is actually what spurred me to join this community. Prior to this I'd procrastinated, but I feel like I could really use some support/advice right now.

I've never really gotten along with my husband's family; neither does he. I've tried really hard to be supportive of his mother as she has terminal cancer and is not happy with her living situation. I've put a lot of effort in to trying to find alternatives for her, and offered everything short of her coming to live with us (which is just not possible). I tried to be nice to his sister and someone ended up putting up with an hour of verbal abuse from her before my husband worked out what she was doing and took me away from her. I just didn't really know what to do about it.

I found out on the weekend that apparently my husband's mother, sisters, and nephew, sit around talking about how they hope he never has children with me, and put bets on how much I paid him to marry me and hope he only did it because I needed a green card. I spoke directly with his mother about this, who claims that she was never involved in this, but my husband told me that she had warned him against having children with me. I'd really love to have a child, and I know that my neurological problems are not necessarily going to be inherited, still, I've looked in to egg donation and adoption options. That's really beside the point though. Even with my issues, I see no evidence that my husband's family are any better than me in any way. They're all small minded and greedy people, and I imagine that they're just projecting some sort of jealousy on to me - i.e. one of them looks like she'll never have any children, and they're all single, and perhaps they're unhappy that my husband has found someone he loves. One of his sisters went on a giant rant about all the reasons that my husband should break up with me, down to "I'm not attractive enough." I want to pass a judgement on her physical appearance here, but I will refrain. What a stupid reason to not like your brother's wife! So, now I don't know whether the issue is that they dislike him being with anyone and they are using my ASD to build a case around, whether they're just unpleasant people, or whether they would hate me regardless. I've noticed that their antagonism towards me always follows from attempting to upset my husband for other reasons, and wondered whether it would thereby not have anything at all to do with me.

I love my husband, but his family have always been horrible to me and openly tease me about not being neurotypical (which makes me even angrier as one of his sister's is ret*d, so I don't see why she thinks she can weigh in on this). I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about who I am, although I do feel those emotions regarding certain things that I do. My husband is so angry with his family, that he keeps making excuses not to go home and visit his mother, which I feel strongly that he should do as regularly as possible given this situation. I've suggested that he go by himself, and he refuses to. I don't want anything to do with these people and never want to see them again (although I'll give MIL a pass as she's recently had a brain tumor removed and given her situation, I feel is allowed to be a bit of a dick she wants). I've thought that I could go there and just refuse to talk to any of them. Sit in the corner with a book or something, would that make them uncomfortable? That's kind of what I'm aiming for.

There are times when I feel like my husband would be better off without me, particularly when I feel like our relationship is getting in the way of his family life - even though he assures me that he hates his siblings and plans to cut them out of his life after his moth passes. Sometimes I feel like I should apply for a divorce and go home. I'm sure he'll eventually meet someone else he loves and wants to marry. If he did, would they find a reason to hate her too and to torment her?

I'm sorry, this was kind of ranty. I'm just overwhelmed and having difficulty understanding what the situation is. Thank you for help.

You are blessed that your husband is on your side here. You married him, and he married you. He made his choice. That choice was you. Don't feel guilty about it. I see situations all the time, where couple have issues like this. Often, it's friends of one spouse who feel slighted now that he or she isn't spending as much time hanging out with them. They resent the new spouse, and often try to drive a wedge. It's natural to feel conflicted bout this situation, but your husband has declared his loyalty to you. He wants you, so much that he's prepared to cut off all contact with his siblings due to their non-acceptance of you. That's being a mature man whose wife comes first----as it should. Fight for him as hard as he's fighting for you.

I had to deal with much the same situation. My sister (also ASD) sided with my first wife during our divorce, has maintained a relationship with her, and has never accepted my present wife. I have had little to no contact with her since my mom passed 3 years ago. I rarely see my cousins, even though I have nothing against them. My in-laws all live in California. We live in Massachusetts. We rarely see them, although my wife talks to her mom and younger sister regularly. She has no relationship with her brother. Our family, by and large, is each other and her kids.

Thank you very much sharing your experience Basso53.

My husband has told me multiple times that he always intended to cut ties with his family once his mother died, but I've never really been sure whether he meant it. I think now it's inevitable if he wants to stay with me. I'll certainly have nothing more to do with them. It's hard to know whether I'm making his life more difficult, or whether these people would find something wrong with anyone he was with. It's also a new situation. Previously I have had male friends whose families lamented that we never dated (at the time I travelled a lot, so dating was really difficult for me, although had circumstances been different, we would have) and in at least one circumstance were quite upset when a friend of mine proposed to someone else. I get along well with my friends' families and am at least usually quite accepted amongst the parents, so I think I'm more shocked than actually offended - although of course I am still offended.

I don't know what I can do to make my husband's life easier in this situation. The family all live in Michigan and we live in Massachusetts, so fortunately we don't have to see them very often, and I think that after the conversation my husband and I had with one of his sisters over the weekend, there's little chance of her trying to contact him again unless it's an emergency.

It's interesting to see a sibling actively siding with an ex, although I know of many circumstances in which family members maintain relationships with the ex, and it doesn't work out to anyone's detriment. I'm sorry for your current wife though. It must be upsetting for her.

I think, considering how fragmented my family is (I haven't talked to my uncle or his children since my grandmother died. He completely abused his financial power of attorney while she was sick, and refuses to admit to it. Hence I refuse to have anything to do with him. I have nothing against his kids, but it's awkward for me to talk to them now. Mum passed away when I was fifteen. Dad moved overseas, I moved to another country, and my sister has now found her to the US, although she lives in LA) I had always hoped to marry into a strong family, so there's some disappointment on my part that has nothing to do with my husband. It's no more his fault that he's related to these idiots than it's my fault that I have Aspergers. Our family will end up being just us and our kids, when we have them, unless we move back to Australia, where I have no shortage of surrogate families.

Thank you again. It makes me feel much better to be able to talk to someone about all of this.