Influencing an AS male

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I have been in a complex relationship with an AS male (I am NT). There are times when it feels like he is very easily influenced about his feelings for me. When I am positive, he responds in kind. However, he can push me away and deny all feelings for me when I express any doubt. I worry about how easily influenced he seems to be and am trying to determine how to judge his genuine feelings for me (if any). I want him to choose to be with me. Confrontation does not go well. I have been reading that discussing relationships, relinquishing control, and commitment can be hard for AS males. I would love any insights forum members can provide.

Does he respond differently when you're 1-on-1 with him than if the two of you are in a group with other people?

To be honest, we are mostly one on one.

My wife and I go round and round on this, but over time I have learned that just because she might have some nasty negative emotion to express to me, that it's not an all encompassing feeling or her "final vote" on our relationship. It took me years to learn that, and until I did, I reacted very poorly to her in those moments because I didn't understand what her feelings really meant.

I love my wife more than anything, but to this day she has doubts about that because my actions don't always match my words, so-to-speak. Your boyfriend may be kind of clueless that way too, but if it's like the way im reading it, he's probably crazy about you but hasn't learned how to deal with the not-so-much-fun part of the relationship that every couple is certain to have from time to time. It's like "I'm not worried so why are you? You can't be because there's nothing to worry about because if there was, then I'D be worried too". Mind blindness.

I don't know if I explained that well.

I've noticed that I can sometimes be easily influenced by other people's emotions, though not always. If I'm feeling negative, and other people around me are acting positive, I often tend to feel even more negative since I become jealous of how happy or positive they seem to be. If I'm feeling positive and other people around me are acting negative, it usually doesn't affect me as much, unless they lash out directly at me. If I'm feeling negative and other people around me are acting negative, either I'll find a bit of solace if they're not lashing out at me, or I will feel even worse if they do lash out at me. If I'm feeling positive and other people around me are acting positive (which is quite rare, I'll add), I'll feel fine.

I still don't quite understand the concept of mind-blindness, though I guess I can't be entirely mind-blind if I can be influenced by other people.

Thank you for the responses- they were very helpful.
Arahon- everything you said was very clear. I especially understand the part about worrying- I always felt like I needed reassurance about things and he was blissfully floating along because like three months ago things were fine!!

Another reason is an overactive self-preservation mechanism. If aspie guys learn nothing else in their early dating lives (or lack thereof), it's protecting themselves against heartbreak/rejection. Many a time, a young aspie guy had his heart broken by a girl who pretended to like him as a prank, by a girl who used him for his book smarts, or by a simple misunderstanding of friendship vs. romantic interest. As a result, they learn to control their romantic feelings with the precision of a computer. It becomes a personal challenge of sorts, a way of "beating the other person to the punch". Something like: "if you're about to lose interest in me, I'm going to lose interest in you first!" So when you two have an argument---in his mind, you're about to stop liking him---he looks for ways to shut off his feelings for you, as to avoid having his heart broken. I know I'm like that. Heck, my ability to turn my feelings on and off like that is more prolific than NTs' social skills, and that's saying a lot! I've always put together an exit plan before starting any relationship, and even keep my police department's non-emergency number stored in my cell phone. (I had to file for protection against someone one time, although it was a former friend who's a girl, not an ex-girlfriend.)

So does this all mean that as the NT partner, we are not allowed to express any doubt? That seems impossible to me

What about writing feelings down? Such as a list? The notepaper being a neutral territory. Both of you list all the things you love about each other and the things you feel you need to work on. For me (even as a female) being on the spectrum it's nice to have things clear like that.

The ego of an aspie is often fragile in sensitive situations. When things are fine, I would likely be smiling and being myself with no complaints. When someone yells at me and tells me they don't like something about me, I took that as "this is why Noone else likes me either".
Some aspies as you may be able to tell by now are very self-defeating in the way they think and act when under pressure.

Its yet another form of sensory over-load.

Maybe it is Geist. But considering my own experience, as well as what I have seen from many people... The more you talk about a problem or something negative, the more it bothers you.

As an aspie, I feel that I do not have a full understanding of what the NT world assumes and expects everyone to be, so it makes me more susceptible to their assumptions and expectations. It's like, adapt or be extinct; social Darwinism. (I'm sorry if I sound pretentious, but I'm a little bit drunk and can't explain it any other way right now).

It's not that you're not allowed to, it's just that aspies tend not to take that sort of thing well.

T_ I think NTs are all different. I personally just want to know where I stand with someone and know that I can rely on them- because if you cannot rely on your partner, there is no point. Because I am not the most self confident person, I kind of require reassurance every once in a while that things are fine or good. When I am uncomfortable or worried about something, I can push people away and my expectation is that if they care about me, they will fight back. I am realizing that this is not good for relationships with people with Aspergers (mine just don't seem to fight back or if he does, it is with rejection not reassurance). I feel like it is hard for us NTs to understand what the expectations are of us- that is why I am here seeking advice. Every major conflict in my life seems to boil down to issues of perspective. Communication is so important in trying to understand the other persons perspective. I like to think that most people are willing to tell you what they need if they know what it is- but maybe that is really hard when you have faced a lot of rejection or social awkwardness?

A lot of us here seem to have conditioned ourselves not to need or depend on anything in particular - often out of necessity. Perhaps you could phrase all this in terms of what you need...