AS dating a NT - is it morally right?

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I've been mulling over this concept - if a neurotypical person is dating an aspie, is that exploitative?

What I mean by that is, can that be a healthy relationship? Or does that partnership just create the kind of power imbalance that's a breeding ground for abusive relationships?

In short - is it ok? I personally would say yes, there's more aspects of a healthy relationship than spectrum status. But I've come across people who disagree.

Basically, I'd love to get your thoughts.

At first I couldn't figure out what you meant, but I'm guessing you mean that the person with AS is significantly disabled by it, like to the point where the NT is essentially in a caregiving role?

I've been in a relationship like that (involving mental illness, not AS), and yeah, I wouldn't recommend it, not because it's exploitative, but because the power inequality isn't compatible with the sort of equity I think of as being important in a relationship. Simply: I don't want to be in charge. I don't want the guy to be in charge, either.

Some people manage all right this way, though, or give every appearance of doing so.

I don't know about you, but I have a neurological difference that can be difficult to manage in a world that wasn't made for me, not an inability to think for myself. I'm not a child or equivalent to a child.

I'm a person with Asperger's, and no one is taking care of me LOL

Seriously: I don't think it's a moral lapse to date someone out of your neurological group. Just like it's not a moral lapse to date someone out of your racial/ethnic group.

Of course, it's quite problematic if one partner takes on the "caregiver" role constantly. It does breed lots of problems--most of them related to how dependent one partner is on another.

However, there are people who really like to be "caregivers," even to their Significant Others; in these cases, there should be no problem with that arrangement amongst people who are predisposed to judge.

I think an AS/NT relationship could work, provided each person understands the needs they have, the needs the other has, and what needs each person will be unable to fulfill. My question would be, what NT's would pursue a relationship with an AS? Probably understanding and compromising ones that know what they are getting into, naive ones that don't, and abusive ones that want easy prey.

From what I have read, it seems that a lot of naive NTs that don't know get into one and then have problems (that was me). I think sometimes the AS partner is undiagnosed, too. The divorce rate for NT-AS relationships is pretty high. If you read or google, it is pretty bleak. There are some pretty scary books/stories out there (like not being able to live in the same house, not caring about the children you have, not being able to touch the person, the recurrence rate of AS in children, feeling like a mother to your husband rather than a partner) so I feel like your question is a valid one and one I have been struggling with. I feel like even natural caregivers need to be taken care of sometimes and a relationship cannot work without communication!! At the same time, there are stories of NT-AS marriages that work for over decades. So it is hard to say- I think every situation is unique. I do think it will always be more work though- just because the perceptions of the world and expectations are different.

Yes it can work. Actually, it can work quite well and be as good as if not better then a NT-NT relationship. It has less to do with thought processing and predisposition than the underlying emotional makeup and personal opinion/beliefs of each.

I think the most important step is truly knowing one another completely, and how you respond to the full range of situations, before you make a long term commitment. Basically what you see is what you get, as people may evolve slowly over time, but rarely actually change who and what they are. Just be sure you see it all.

(I am AS married to NT)

I think it depends on the NT and the Aspie but usually we just drive em bonkers or frustrate the crap out of them at least I do at times because Im hyper and act immature and dwell on stuff for long periods of time that usually annoys people.

There is a part of me that likes to think you are right Toy_soldier... and I think you are right about getting to know each others reactions to things and then knowing whether that is a reaction you can tolerate. For me, it was a lot easier knowing that the reaction I was getting was more a self defense mechanism than a reflection of his true feelings... and once I learned that, I could tolerate it.
I agree that people don't fundamentally change. I think what can be hard with AS people is that some are so good at assimilating or putting on faces that it is hard for an NT to see the real person. I struggled with that- it is part of the reason I actually figured out what was really going on. Some of the behavior did not seem genuine to me and I felt like I was being manipulated. Now I know that that was just his way of trying to navigate the world. I still wonder who he really is sometimes though... getting past that shell can be so hard! How do you encourage them to open up and let them see the real person?

CARPE WROTE

Arahon... he is not my mate currently. It is kind of complicated. I still care about him but it always seems to implode (in part because of my insecurities I think). I will say that I did not know about the AS when we were trying to get things off the ground and that made it very difficult for me. LIke I mentioned the faces he projects- I had been burned by fakeness in other relationships so that was a huge red flag for me and made me uncomfortable. Now I understand why he did it and it was not an attempt to manipulate me. So the only advice I can give you (and I don't know how good it is given I could not make the relationship last) is honesty and education. There is such a thing as too much honesty- I think it can overwhelm the AS partner sometimes- especially if it is emotional. For the AS person, I think in those cases you need to tell us NTs when you are at your emotional limit. But for the NT, I found I really needed to know what was going on inside his head- otherwise I felt like I was being manipulated or controlled. I felt like he had a ton of plans inside his head that he was not sharing with me and that was hard- I felt like I was being dragged around sometimes and I kind of resented the doormat feeling. Also, if I did not go along with the plans that I did not know he had, I had a person on my hands who was pouting or angry (super quickly angered btw). I did not even know why and I took it personally a lot. Understanding his motivations was key to my being able to accept certain behaviors and let it not get to me as much. So honesty and communication for me would have been tremendously helpful earlier on. Though I have come to understand that control and rituals are important for AS people- so the AS partner really has to be willing to bend a little for it to work. Nobody is a mindreader and it is even more difficult to read a mind that is wired differently from your own- both people need to understand that and remind themselves frequently. Don't make your partner guess all the time- it is exhausting for them and the chances that they are going to guess right can be small sometimes- leaving both parties without what they want!!
Also, just educating yourself- learning as much as you can about the way the other person processes information and responds to certain things. I mean there are books (David Finch wrote a great one) about AS-NT relationships. I have done a lot of reading now and it really kind of enlightened me to so many coping mechanisms and responses that I was getting that seemed "odd" to me. I will say though that some of them are scary from an NT perspective- so it has been super helpful to have other people to talk to- real AS people who are in relationships. Ultimately, that is why I started posting here. For you, maybe it would be helpful to talk to NT people- learn about their perspectives on the world. Though even if you talk to a bunch of people, remember that your partner is still a unique person with their own traits and their own past life experiences that shade their realities (ie because I have been burned before, I am very sensitive to certain types of trust issues). I think you really have to get to know them as a person- which in its own way is education too- just not from a book.
From the failure, I can tell you that reassurance for an NT partner (at least for me) is important. I need to know that the person is still on board. We went through multiple rounds of rejection- kind of tit-for-tat behavior which was really hard. Every time I said something negative I would get negativity in return and that was hard- sometimes I needed them to fight back and say "no you are wrong things are fine". Sometimes I believed it was over and sometimes I didn't (my friends were constantly telling me to bail out btw), but being in limbo like that wears on a person and their trust in the other person. Reliability is a huge thing for me so that was tough. Also, realize too that sometimes negativity has nothing to do with you- NTs have bad days and want to vent to their person about it (don't take all negativity personally even if they are complaining about something you may see in yourself)- sometimes we are pissed at someone else and you are just the "lucky" person who gets to hear about it... just listen and nod and don't try to fix us... just let us vent... haha. I have also struggled with the "realness" of the relationship. Are his feelings for me genuine (what is genuine to an AS?!) or he is just responding to my affection for him? Does he understand what a relationship is supposed to be or is he looking for a mommy replacement? How much of it is about me and how much of it is just having a "girlfriend"? There have been times where I definitely felt like a head of lettuce that he thought he could just replace and that is hard- if you don't feel that way about your partner, make sure they know that!! Lastly, and I think this is really important, I have struggled with what behaviors am I willing to tolerate and what I won't (as a corollary, what are AS related and what are just him)- but regardless of origin how much is too much and crosses the line into emotional abuse? No woman wants to be a doormat and our empathy/patience is not endless. At some point, NTs will question whether the relationship is providing them with what they need too and I think that is a valid question to ask. I think in all relationships (of all kinds) it is important to have a balance where everyone gets at least some of their needs met- I think this is something that really has to be monitored in an AS-NT relationship because I think the scales can be tipped pretty easily or at least feel like they are tipped (especially for the more emotional NT partner). The scarier articles I read seemed to imply that the NT was going to spend their life making a lot of sacrifices to please/pacify the AS. I feel like life is tough enough- without being in a relationship where you are doing all the giving. But these are the things that I as an NT worry about and I am still not sure how many of my concerns are valid... haha. These concerns can be overwhelming when thinking about an entire lifetime with an AS partner- which is probably part of the reason I have had such a hard time keeping up a relationship with one. I have been spooked more than once and then I become the unreliable one! That is kind of my story... I don't know if that helps you or you understand it, but this is where I am sitting currently. You are welcome to ask for clarification... sorry it was so long... I just wrote what came to my mind.