AS dating a NT - is it morally right?

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As a side note, do not believe all that you read. I remember at one point we had a huge argument and he read some self help articles to try to fix it; however, I did not respond the way the self help article said I would (not all of us NTs are the same!) and we ended up not talking for a long time. Although he was being so sweet about trying to fix it, I was pissed when I found out our disagreement came from a self help article (I felt like I was being played with)- I wished he had just talked to me!! The world for NTs is a lot of gray- not black and white like it is (from what I understand) for you ASs.

Using NT or ASD as criteria for picking a mate is less useful than using astrological signs.

Yes, of course it's ok.

What if one partner was blind? Obviously there would be some things the seeing partner would do for the other, but would you constitute this as a caregiving role?

I don't think there should be any rules against it. I do think thee can be an imbalance of power in those types of relationships but I think it depends on the two people & their issues & how they are in a relationship together as to whether it's unhealthy or not. I have Aspergers but I was the caregiver in my 1st relationship & sort of am in my current which is my 3rd. My 2nd girlfriend sort of played the role of my caregiver & we were incompatible in some major ways & she broke up with me. I have some different disabilities & limitations & I've been through some emotional stuff & know I would of done alot better if I had someone there to support me so I have a strong desire to be emotionally supportive. As for as the imbalance of power goes with me playing the role of a caretaker; I'm dependent on my partner too & go over things with her before making decisions. It's an interdependent relationship but we do love each other so it works for us.

I don't know that a power imbalance is inherent to AS/NT relationships. After all, AS people are often very strong personalities. Perhaps too much so.

It's not so much a moral question, to me, as it is one of both parties being informed and having some idea of what to expect. There are certain aspects of the relationship that are going to be strongly affected by the difference in neurology. Quite a few other aspects won't be so affected. Clarity of thinking is important going into the relationship. Both parties have to have some idea of what they should and should not expect from the other (which is true of NT/NT and AS/AS, too).

Personally, I'm a 42-year old Aspie, didn't really know that's what I was dealing with until I started the process of getting my son diagnosed. I'm currently in the middle of a divorce from my NT wife. Like any divorce, mine was brought about by a lot of different facts and circumstances, but one of the biggest problems is...well, I'm just damned difficult. I think a lot of the ways in which I'm difficult are specific to my Asperger's, but who can say? I've got no basis for comparison, never having been not autistic.

I used to think that I was angry all the time. Only recently have I started to understand it isn't anger, it's persistent, low-level anxiety. I know more about myself now, but the damage is done. As she puts it, she stopped fighting for the relationship because she's just exhausted by it being so hard. On the one hand, I can't blame her. On the other hand...naturally, I'm crushed.

Couples are unique, and don't survive or fail because of statistics. Still, I see all of the articles about the higher divorce rate with AS/NT couples, and I'm not surprised. In cases where the AS was undiagnosed, and the partners went through years of difficulty without knowing why, I'm really not surprised. You can get to a point where too much tension, aggravation, and anger have built up between you. Honest and direct communication is difficult enough between ANY two people. I think with an AS/NT couple it may be even more so.

My ex and I did not go into the marriage knowing that there was this particular difference between us, so we never developed the habits to account for and accommodate that difference. We never managed the conflict, we just gave into it. Yes, I do think a LOT of the conflict was caused by or enhanced by my Asperger's traits. That being said, if we had known in advance, we might have been able to learn how to work together effectively as a couple. We tried, for seventeen years.

Truth be told, had I known I was AS when I was in college, I might not have gotten married at all. There's an extent to which I think it's, not immoral, but unfair to ask anyone else to deal with my particularities. It's too much. Or, at least in my case it is.

NB: I am not at ALL saying that AS people shouldn't have relationships or aren't worthy of love, or that they shouldn't be with NTs. I would never presume to speak for anyone else, much less AS people as a group. People are just too divorce for that to work. Point being, don't feel depressed by my assessment. It's specific to me, albeit in context of my AS.

I've had a number of girlfriends who tried to take advantage of me. I seem oblivious beyond my actual autism, so I almost always know a lot more about what's going on than people think. I give you this advise - never let them know the full extent of what you perceive. I would think about dating another NT, but I'd be careful.

I have often thought about this too.

I worry that its an un equal relationship, an NT is going to be so much better at so many things than me, how could they not despise me, and if they want to care for someone (or be in an unequal relationship) that shows they have issues about having to be needed and superior.


Also it seems unfair to go into a relationship knowing that I can probably not meet their emotional needs and what a hard slog the relationship will be.

Surely if I cared about someone I would want them to have a nice partner and a happy life and a better partner than I could ever be?

I've been married to an NT for 27 years. I'm the one who makes the decisions and wears the pants here, and I'm a girl. He's actually a very alpha male type guy but who just really wants somebody to make the decisions and tell him what to do. I'm very good at that. It works out fine for us somewhat. I drive him crazy, he's emotionally unavailable. However, we take up each others slack. He was a football player in high school and popular. But then again, that was in Washington DC and we live in Alabama. I'm from Alabama. We have had our problems. Most of you who have been here for a while remember Ole Boy. Another alpha male type. I seem to attract them. I don't know why. I think I've only dated NT's really. I can't think of one boy I ever went out with who in retrospect seems to be on the spectrum.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

I've never dated an aspie. I actually never met a women that confessed to being on the spectrum. I'd like to though. I can't say I'm not curious.

Wow, I just joined this forum because, like Carpe observed above, there was this mask going on…..my AS boyfriend put on a front when we were courting one another by mail, phone, and text. Only after the façade could no longer be sustained did I start to see the cracks, see it all starting to unravel in him.

I really truly wish he could have been up front that he has high functioning Asperger's when things began…..I could then have learned more about it, and about his needs.

He and I had been communicating online for a time, and he'd expressed such joy over the budding relationship, and wrote many emotion-filled letters and sent literally hundreds of amorous text messages. From those, I did not pick up on any AS traits on his part, though his type of professional work definitely suggested that he was far more focused on things than people---and to a degree of needing to be very fixated on his work in order to succeed.

When we met in person, things were great until he could no longer take the intimacy/touch/presence of another person in his home. He started to shut down romantically and fixate on some Netflix show. The sudden distance he took from me was bewildering-----we were like roommates.

When I tried to talk to him to understand his change in behavior, he snapped and grew defensive and even hostile/angry. He talked like Jesse Eisenberg in that movie The Social Network----with that rational, matter-of-fact, passionless voice. It was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for sure, but here I had given him my heart and my passion and all of my feelings, and for me, as an NT, this whole event was incredibly painful.

It's still painful even now that I am away from him and won't be seeing him again. It's hard to move on. I keep looking at his photos even though he, like someone in an earlier post described, turned into a bridge-burner.

He lives alone, is twice divorced, is bitter about his exes, is bitter about being jilted by a cheating fiancée in another state, is a loner at home and in his job, doesn't know his neighbors where he lives, and has very few friends….one friend, a middle-aged woman from his work, is someone he turns to to vent. I am so different-----so much more connected to my community and so fond of my many friendships. Nevertheless, I fell in love with him and thought he felt the same about me. So I am grateful for this forum. I really am. Asperger's is a fact of his existence, diagnosis or no. But he is worthy of being loved. I just wish we had taken things slowly and that I had lived in his same city so as to get to know him bit by bit, rather than rapidly and passionately. It hurts so much to be dropped like that, to be dismissed, to be deleted….especially since I know how alone he is in most aspects of his life.

while everyone is so busy doing "research" online and performing armchair diagnoses on people based on said "research", make sure to do some reading on narcissistic personality disorder. might get you closer to the truth. i am so tired of these kinds of posts: "oh, now i understand, my last boyfriend wasn't an as*hole, he has asperger's! he can't help acting like an as*hole, it's a disability!"

no, he was just an as*hole.