A Question for Autisic/Aspie Guys About Finding A Girlfriend

Post Reply New Topic

Hello everyone:

To all autistic/aspie guys, do you have a hard time finding a girlfriend? If so, why do you think it's hard?

As for me, I am having a very difficult time with this. I don't get to get out much, nor will I be able to do so for personal reasons and as a result of that, I figured I would try dating sites. No luck. Right now, I'm on POF and OKCupid. I don't pay for either of those which is why I am on them. But as for me, not only am I high functioning autisic, I also have scoliosis which is where the spine in your back can curve so bad and as a result of that, I had to have major surgery to fix the curve. But since then, I've been having on and off back pain and I will never be able to do lots of physical activities because of it. And being that I have both high functioning autism and scoliosis, I fear that girls do not want to date me for these types of things. Also because of my scoliosis, if I were to put on job applications that I have weight restrictions, then employers would just toss the application out. If I didn't say I had weight restrictions and something really bad happened to me, then there would be a big problem. As a result of this, I will not be able to work many jobs because of my scoliosis. Also, I have low self-esteem which I can't help, I live at home with mom who does smoke which I hate and won't be able to move out anytime soon. Now I do work for a fast food restaurant, but I hate it and most of the money I make between working the fast food restaurant as well as receiving monthly social security disability pay goes towards rent, bills, etc... since I make most of the money in the household. With all of this, girls do not want to date me and sometimes I find it rude that they won't.

How about you guys, are you having a hard time finding a girlfriend?

If so, why do you think that is?

Any advice from anyone on how I could potentially find a girlfriend? (Ladies can comment on this too.)

How old are you? Where are you - I assume the US? What are you looking for?

Do not travel down that path. Consider - is there at least one girl who you wouldn't date? I imagine there are quite a few. Would you think it fair if they thought you rude?

It might be best to refer to that more as shallow than rude. It's not a good idea to feel like women are rude if they make a choice not to date you, as frustrating as it may be to not have a girlfriend sometimes.

As a female, I had a hard time finding a girlfriend. I really think I experienced a lot of the issues guys here have. I tend to be the "friend" and a lot of females never viewed me more than that.

I honestly don't like dating sites. I think forums, websites, and chat rooms related to your interests work far better. I met my husband through an anime chat room.

I recommend also potentially looking at other females who are also autistic. Possibly the ones who don't really care about things like style or money. I wouldn't just randomly go hitting on females on this site, but a lot of the females here are logical and seem like they would make good mates. Maybe you could ask them what they would be attracted to in a man over in the "womens" section.

It would seem that your post tackles two separate issues. You are asking us if we have a hard time with those things, but you are also asking for advice for your own situation. I'll try to merge both of them together... I hope that my advice is helpful to you:

I only see 2-3 impediments to dating in your situation. Now, they are fairly large impediments, but they are things that you can certainly work on. They are also not things that will prevent you from dating, they will just make the process far more difficult for you. The first, and most important in my mind, is your job/living situation. As a previous poster alluded to, where you live and your age will change the advice that I would give. Do you have any goals or plans with your life to find a more rewarding and long-term career? Are you actively doing anything to work towards those goals? Working at a fast food restaurant and living at home is perfectly fine (I did for a while after graduating from college), but if you don't have other prospects on the horizon it will significantly limit your ability to date. Most women look for someone who is self-sufficient, has a good job, and has goals for the future. In your case you have a job at least, but that sort of job should not be considered a long-term option unless there truly are no other options (it is rare that this is the case).

The second issue is your self-esteem. Simply stop with the self-denigration. That in and of itself will drive people away...others will not respect you unless you first respect yourself. I can guarantee you that you have many great qualities. What are they? I think that it would be very helpful for you to list out as many as you can!

The third issue is the same one that I face: you have high functioning autism, so your social skills are probably not very good. I am still working on this one myself, as I struggle immensely with the various social nuances of dating (and dating has A LOT of subtle social nuances). My opinions have shifted over time, but my current belief is that it's best to focus on your strengths and present your best face to whoever you are with, and simply accept the fact that your social skills will never be as strong as most people's. Rather than constantly struggle to become a veritable "social butterfly", against my natural instincts, I've decided it may be better to simply accept that I will never be that way and instead focus on all of the great qualities that I already have.

I live in a small town. I don't know where to meet women locally. The women I know or see around town are women I am not interested in.

I am shy, don't know how to approach women, so the only women I get are women who are bold enough to approach me. I am getting better at it though.

I am not sure that I want a girlfriend, to be honest. I am very ambivalent about it. I have a sex drive. I like to flirt, but I don't really want an intimate relationship. I would just like to flirt, go on dates, and have sex (not with a lot of different people, with the same person on a regular basis). I am not trying to move in together, have kids, or get married. If I fall in love again, I will be open to those things, but it is not something that I desire. Being 30 years old, this puts me in contrast with most single women my age (I think). It seems that people want to settle down and get married because society tells them to. That is the experience I have had with dating sites. The only people who are looking for what I am looking for are younger women and they annoy the hell out of me. I hate immaturity. I wouldn't be willing to spend the time with them even if it meant getting sex.

When I move, I am sure things will get easier. There will be more options to choose from.

One more thing, I live with my mom in a sh***y house and no money for dates and can't bring the women home and can't have sex at home because there is no privacy. This is not ideal dating conditions. I need my own place and some disposable income.

The advice I have for you is to work on your self-esteem. If you accept your limitations, others will too. If you are down on yourself, you won't be able to attract a partner.

Really? I am having the opposite problem. One reason I am leaving online dating is because almost everyone (even 40+) are not only immature but uninterested in children or a family. There are plenty out there but they all seem to have never grown up.

I am Lucky enough to live where I may have an abundance of choice. But I have to pick one and I did and the relationship is working out fine.
I've eventually realized in my process that the dating and courtship stage involved a bit of game playing whether people liked it or not. You had to only contact your interest by text or phone to meet up with them and minimize the amount of text messages sent. It was better to get face time with someone and leave them alone while occasionally letting them know you are thinking of them and want to meet up. Eventually, the two of you would establish a friendship or relationship from that.

are you saying that all people who don't want children and a family are immature? i don't think that's fair--there are other reasons to not desire children than a lack of maturity, you know. i've never wanted children, there has never been a time in my life (even in childhood) when i was interested in learning to take care of babies and raising children, but i think i can call myself a comparatively mature and responsible person. i tend to think of people who rush into getting married and having kids early in life without thinking it through at all as the immature and irresponsible ones.

Most girls I have met come off as very standoffish, as if they are expecting me to do and/or say something awkward. I know this is VERY stupid of me, but as of recent, I have started looking on Craig's List to see what I can find, in terms of a possible LTR, even though I'm certain that my family won't approve of me having a girlfriend.

Hopper: I'm 28 years old and I am in Michigan. I am looking for a girl who will understand me for who I am and the fact that I have autism as well as scoliosis and to accept the fact that I may never be able to work a decent paying job, I may never be able to drive due to the fact that I get anxiety or do many physical activities due to my scoliosis. But that doesn't mean that I would want them to support me 100%. I do receive social security disability pay, I know how to take care of myself, cook foods, do household chores and a bit more. They also need to understand the fact that I live at home with mom and that with most of the money I make, it goes towards the household such as bills and sometimes food and that isn't going to change anytime soon. I also am very shy and have low self-esteem, and am not sure if I can handle going to college because I lose focus very easily.

Bleh: I'm not having very good luck on dating sites either. I don't know if it has to do with what's on my profile or what, but pretty much every girl I message, they do not write back to me. Again due to my self-esteem issues, I have a hard time trying to figure out what to say to them in hopes for a reply. I'm wanting to talk to more autistic/aspie females around my age, but it seems like they are hard to find. I did date two aspies. The first one I would wish that she didn't break up with me and the 2nd one, she was a bit clingy which would stress me out and wasn't sure if she could do many things in her life. This was before I realized the fact that I may never be able to do many things with my life.

I also don't know if I want kids or not. the reason for that is when they are babies, I would find some things that would gross me out as well as the fact that there are a lot of unruly kids at times and that can frustrate me very easily.

Stargazer43: I originally wanted to become a computer repairman at one point, but then I started doing some more research and it seems like that it is extremely hard to get hired into a company. Technology is changing so fast that within the next few years, I would have to learn about all the new stuff coming out which would mean going to school again which would cost me money that I do not have. And if I were to start my own computer repair business, it probably wouldn't last long. And because of the fact that I may not be able to drive a car now, that option is completely out. I then wanted to do online business in internet marketing, but after doing lots of research, I began to question whether the people who are doing are really making the big money and I questioned a lot of legality issues with it too. I spent lots of money to end up making nothing. Also because of my scoliosis and the fact that I would have to get up more often and move around, companies would not want to hire someone like that, and doing computer repair would also be a bad idea now since it would involve picking up computers often which weigh a lot.

I've been seeing autistic/aspie couples somehow make things work out, why can't I? I also have a lot of limitations and even though I live in a decent sized city, there isn't a lot to do my age and there are a lot of crime areas too.

It was a nightmirror for me. I was so anti social when I was younger that I had no clue how to get women. When I was in my early 20s, I finally got the nerve to talk to them, but the ones that obviously liked me ended up thinking I was gay since I didn't know how to flirt.

I would really like to have a girlfriend, I mean i would do anything to have somebody that loved and cared for me and that I could do the same for to, I guess I'm still young (17) but in this ever changing world which even I have seen in my time many people my age do have relationships, I want one for my own reasons but maybe also other around me having such a thing is what makes me feel I want it to even know I know that I do, I crave somebody to be affectionate with.

Problem is I have not helped myself really due to holding my self back in the past etc, bullying, feeling and do much more in life that have contributed to my current state of loneliness, low self esteem and lack of confidence which I'm only starting to seek help for now after years of denial and actually wanting a girlfriend is what is making me try to change as the only way I'm gonna get one in this way is if a Girl manged to see through me (see the real me aka allot more social, happy and very committed) and could then help me to be (I need emotional support), sadly I need to try work on my a bit more so I can hopefully find that girl and show the real me more publicly and not be so insecure (better self-esteem/confidence).

However thus far even know I'v wanted a girlfriend for near enough 2/3 years (when I became interested in Girls even though Iv always been more friendly with them than guys) Iv so far found nobody and have tried to talk with some a little but not met the best responses to even that however I think this maybe due to my whole school knowing that I have AS including all the Girls and sometimes I feel due to me being really withdrawn in the past they think I have no attraction or interested in Girls to them what so ever which is completely not true, even though I do admit I was a late developer when it comes to puberty etc, still hopefully one day I will find that Girl for me until then I guess I will have to make do with my imaginary girlfriend (It helps me cope dw I'm not mad) the struggle goes on.

Even though their is this Girl Iv thought of trying to ask out, but I'm still uncertain about that and if its even a wise idea (I already made a post about it)

I totally agree. In this context though I find most of the women to be both immature AND not interesting in a family. Believe me, there are countless teenage single mothers in my neighbourhood who can barely take care of themselves, let alone a child. Before giving up online, I DID get a someone mature women who wants kids contact me, so maybe there are diamonds in the rough.

i understand, and i think i misread your post and that's why i reacted the way i did. i'm a little sensitive about that issue, as a lot of people will (and do) still judge a woman who doesn't want children as fundamentally flawed in some way, because it's supposed to be our only reason for living or something. it's not that i don't want a legacy, just that i'd rather leave my artwork and writings behind than create little copies of myself to add to an already overpopulated world. if that means i'm flawed then i can live with that.

You go, girl! *claps*

it's keeping a girlfriend,that my challenge.