AS dating a NT - is it morally right?

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No I don't think it's morally wrong for an NT to date an Aspie...

S

I never meant to clump all of you together and I never meant to offend anyone... I realize that all of you are different people and within any population- some of them will be legitimate jerks. There are just certain perceptions of the world that from what I have seen that are fundamentally different than an NTs perception- and I think if those perceptions are not at least acknowledged or discussed a long term relationship is doomed to fail. I personally wanted to know who my AS peep was as a person and not a disorder- I wanted to see who he was when the facade wore off because that is the person you have to live with everyday- that is the reality. It just seemed like he was unwilling to let me in that much.

My parents seem to think this to be true. When I first got with my boyfriend they felt that he was only there to take advantage of me because of my autism. My brother even went so far as to compare it to statutory rape of a little girl because he felt that my mind wasn't mature enough to handle that kinda relationship. Of course this has started off my relationship with a huge rift between my boyfriend and my family which has only gotten worse since relocating. My boyfriend feels that my parents baby me too much and don't want me to be an adult despite being almost 30 years old. He also feels that the rest of my family doesn't respect me as a person because of how careless they are when it comes to my personal affairs.

Its not likely that an autistic person is gonna meet another autistic person even in this day and age where the diagnosis is so prevalent. I've known a handful of other autistics and while they're very friendly most of the time I feel that there's a varying level of independence that is had among them which is pretty much the same as myself. About a year before I met my boyfriend I met an autistic pair of friends at a local event I went to. The girl was close in age to me but much lower functioning since she lived in a group home. The boy basically had a crush on me but his mom made even maintaining a minor friendship with him difficult because of how overtly involved she was. I didn't think much of it because my parents are the same way but when I found out he was 7 years younger then me I pulled back quickly because I knew that he wanted to pursue more and his mom wanted to push it like some autism in love type stuff.

The moral of the story is that maturity plays a big role in whether an autistic person is able to truly have a relationship or not. While I could get with a guy that's also autistic, doing so is gonna keep me right where I am right now which is mostly dependent on my parents where as if I get someone who's a little more mature and independent then that will inspire me to want to become more independant. I ran into a lot of issues in terms of working up the initiative to do more with my life because my family felt that I was "doing it for the wrong reasons" and for that held me back significantly. Again this was back when I first got with my current boyfriend over a year ago.

It’s a good way to give both overbearing relatives and neurotribe separatists the finger in one go. Oh, and if your partner is of a different race, you get to spite race separatists with the same finger, too.

I found some of the stuff in this thread really helpful . . . . My perspective is people go into relationships for different reasons consciously or subconsciously. Some people enjoy or need to be caregivers they get a sense of fulfilment from taking care of others. This is not then taking advantage of them. Humans are weird and different and we all try to make our matches the best we can NT or Aspie, black or white, gay or heterosexual . . . . We just keep trying

I think it is morally wrong for an Aspie to get involved with an NT and not discuss this with them FIRST. And by discuss, I don't mean just tell them they have it. I think it is often forgotten on this forum that the majority of people in the world have never heard of asperger's and even when told about they do not understand the ramifications of what that means.

My real-life experience with people with aspergers is that if you are NT, even when you know about the diagnosis, you do not fully comprehend what effects that will have in the long run. You see your interest and there is nothing "wrong" with them...you don't see it until they are in certain situations or under certain stressors, and by the time you even begin to notice, it is too late. That is huge, especially since aspergers persons do not tend to appear like there are any differences about them. And when you are the object of their special interest, it will be (not can be, but will be) taken as very affectionate and attentive, the exact opposite of what most likely lies just a ways down the road. Then it hits you like BAM! And you are so far emotionally invested that you can't break away, even when it really is the best thing to do. It is incredibly painful to deal with many of the common traits and it literally goes against the things that are needed to make a relationship successful. I am speaking generally here, and every one is different, but there are some common enough problems with AS/NT relationships that we are all familiar with from reading posts here. So again, part of the problem is that even being told, hey, I'm aspie, may not be sufficient for an NT to fully comprehend the situation and the things that will affect their needs and the differing needs in the relationship because they will be thinking that nothing seems "off" about my partner. Then when it does eventually happen, I assure you, it is paralyzingly devastating. And it is in no way the same as a blind person. A blind person can reciprocate emotions and express themselves in the way that is necessary for a successful relationship without the challenges faced by someone with aspergers, where the very social nature of relationships is part of the disability.

Yes, there will always be bad people who take advantage of others but that is no exclusive to AS being the victims.

So I do not think it is morally right for an aspie to start dating an NT without a major serious discussion and education about it. I knew my aspie friend was aspie. I knew what it was. But I was in no way prepared for how badly it hurt and how devastatingly paralyzed it left me.

I don't like the question. Of course it's not "morally wrong" for a person with AS to date an NT.

Is it "immoral" for a black person to date a white person?

Agreed with Kraftie. It is not morally wrong to actually date AS/NT, but I still think it is wrong to not allow the NT person full disclosure in advance. Even with that, honestly, they can get in too deep before realizing how significant the problems can be. Asperger's is not fair, for either party.

I experience depression. . . . This can make me needy and full of self doubt. Should I declare that if I were ever in a position of wanting another relationship. We all carry stuff with us?

I get very tired of the term "power imbalance" unless it refers to an extremely clear-cut situation in the workplace, like a general dating a captain or the CEO dating an assistant manager. In real life, there's not just one kind of power, and one partner in a relationship may have more of one kind, the other may have more of another. Age and experience are power. Intelligence is power. Money is power. Social position is power. Physical beauty is power. Talent is power. Youth is power. And more.