NT dating ASD - how to communicate?

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Hi,
I'm a NT girl dating an ASD guy. We have been seeing each other for almost two months now, and I think he's totally amazing. It has been going really well until now, he seemed equally into it, but he's recently become worried that he's not capable of a true relationship/genuine attachment (due to ASD), and has stopped showing or responding to any affection. He told me that he wants to keep hanging out but that i should consider dating other guys because he doesn't want me go miss out on a more fulfilling relationship. It's also complicated by the fact that his new meds have completely killed his libido, and seem to be making him feel less excitement about everything in life. It's supposed to be temporary.

I am confused about how to respond to his change in behaviour. I've tried to reassure him that I'm just interested in getting to know him as a person, and that I don't have any expectations - I'm fully aware that he relates differently and I'm willing to explore possibilities with him, together. Also said that I would let him know if I felt anything was lacking, but that so far it had been very fulfillling and I was very happy. He still seems worried and stand-offish though.

Part of me wants to persevere and show him that it's possible to define our own meaning of 'relationship' together, but the other part of me doesn't want to cause him stress. Can anyone offer any insight or advice?

I feel that he may think you're saying things to make him feel better, rather than because they're true.

I don't think he'd be as stressed out if he thought that you were making the decision to stay entirely on your own, without regard for what he's told you. I know that I don't like even coming close to manipulating people, so he might be the same in that regard.

I'm not him, but when I'm in a depressive state like that, I definitely appreciate affection, even if I don't return it. It should definitely be temporary.



...Oh, and tell him on my behalf that not being able to form a real attachment because of ASD is a load of crap, or something to that effect. Just because we have a different way of thinking doesn't mean we're incapable of feeling, and he should know that.

Thanks very much Azereiah, that's helpful and I really appreciate it. I guess I'll just hang in there and see how it goes...!

I would have said the same as Azereiah. I think that if he wasn't interested in you or lacked feelings for you, he'd tell you. We tend to be honest. Good Luck!

People with ASD's who are adults and trying to figure things out commonly have anxiety problems or self-defeating patterns of behaviour. I hope that he has the courage to push through and continue to develop the relationship. Something tells me he may regret it if you leave him and find someone else.

Aspiemike, Dr_Cheeba - thank you team Canada. I really appreciate the feedback, can't tell you how much. Let me know if I can ever return the favour!

Hi McNicol,

I'm an NT man and wanted to give you my experiences dating a woman with Aspergers and how that relationship went. This was several years ago, but it still affects me today, mainly because of the odd things that happened and the neglect and near abuse that I felt.

Although she was not diagnosed, she told me once that she thought she was autistic, was fascinated with Temple Grandin, and displayed all the symptoms. Based on all the evidence, I'm 99% sure she was on the Autistic Spectrum. However, at the time we were dating, I didn't know anything about Aspergers.

Here are some of the things I experienced:

- Some days, it felt like she thought the world of me (although she never said it), then the next time I saw her, it would seem like she didn't even know me.

- Everything (and I mean everything) was about her and her life and hobbies. We planned every date, outing, trip, dinner, etc. around her obsession with horses. So, if she normally rode her horse at 6 pm, we had to stick with that with no deviation. If we went somewhere, we usually had to stop at a Tack Shop or Farm supply store.

- When I told her I loved her after 5 months of dating, she said "I don't want anyone to love me, but I would be upset if we broke up". During the whole relationship, she never said she loved me, or for that matter, even that she liked me.

- She would take many things literally. For example, on our 4th or 5th date, we went kayaking. She was in front of me and was paddling fast. Some other kayakers came from the opposite direction and mentioned that she was a fast paddler and I said "Yeah, I'll have to tie a rope to her boat and have her tow me". We all laughed, except for her. The rest of the afternoon, she kept questioning me on what I meant and why I had said that (she thought I was really going to tie a rope to her boat). When we got back to my house, I was done with everything and wanted her to leave. But, we went inside, had sex, and continued to date. Which leads me to my next point . . .

- She used sex as a weapon - she would use sex to get what she wanted. It was very robotic and unemotional and I usually felt empty and lonely afterwards.

- She had very poor boundaries with other guys. She would continue to e-mail, talk, etc. with other guys (and in one case, wanted to go to dinner with one and was confused why I was upset), even though I told her how much I didn't like it and her friends told her it was inappropriate. (She learned her lesson on this one, because when we broke up, she refused to talk to me).

- Any kind of affection was a no-no (unless on the very rare occasions that she initiated it). No hand holding, no hugging, no kissing good bye. Although she would be down in the stables kissing her horses.

- I felt that I was way down her list of priorities (way below the horses).

- On a few occasions in the beginning of the relationship, she spoke about us building a house together (and she wanted separate bedrooms, btw), but after 8 months of dating, she was upset because I was considering moving to a condo that just happened to be closer to her (even though it was her idea for me to move there).

- She would make hurtful comments out of the blue. For example, even though I had worked a full time job for all of my adult life, have a Master's degree, raised 3 kids, took care of my own house, and helped on her farm on the weekend stacking hay, cleaning stalls, digging holes, etc., she called me "lazy".

- When she met two of my married friends, who are the nicest people you would ever hope to meet, she told me afterwards "I don't like her" - no reason, just didn't like her. When there were opportunities to meet other of my friends, she refused to go.

- Her social skills were awful. Many times, she wouldn't introduce me to people that she knew, even if I were standing right there beside her.

My first thought when dating her was that she didn't like me very much, but after hearing about her ex-husband of 20 years, I think she treated him even worse.

After saying all this, I guess my point is to get ready for more of the behavior you are already experiencing. This is just the tip of the iceberg and there will always be something else that will keep you guessing and make you feel insecure. Knowing what I know now, I would have to give very serious thought to dating anyone else with Aspergers (and I'm pretty sure the answer would be "no"). It has taken me years to get over the experience and quite frankly, I don't want to ever go through that again.

My advice is decide what are "Red Flags" for you in a relationship. If you see too many of them with this guy, then it may be time to move on before he breaks your heart.

CT1001, that doesn't sound exactly like Asperger's Syndrome.
If she was, indeed, autistic, she also most certainly had Borderline Personality Disorder on top of it.

You can have BPD without being autistic, and you can be autistic without having BPD. You can have both, and things get REALLY bad when that happens, but...

Your advice is basically just "Stay away from scary people", not "Stay away from autistics"

Hi Azereiah,

I actually have experience with Borderline Personality Disorder. My step daughter (from a past marriage) was diagnosed with BPD by a mental health professional that she saw for many years (I know for sure, because I went to many of the sessions and the doctor told me directly). There are similarities and you might be right, but my step daughter and ex-girlfriend acted very, very different. My step daughter was scary to the point that sometimes I feared for my life. With my ex-girlfriend, it felt more like neglect and total lack of empathy.

I do see your point and you could be right.

Oh - and yes, stay away from scary people.

Actually, my advise is that for any relationship, even an NT/NT one, to disregard "Red Flags" can be perilous.

CT: Your partner was not diagnosed as you pointed out. This would mean that she had no help from a professional in diagnosing an ASD and therefore, she wouldn't have done any work in trying to meet others half way. At least that is what I would think. But considering a marriage to a husband for 20 years or so, I would gather it be more difficult for her to receive such help.

Hi AspieMike,

Yes, if she had gotten help, she may have responded differently. I regret to this day that when she said that she thought she was autistic, that I didn't question her more and see if there was some help she could have received. That is one of those things that I will probably dwell on for the rest of my life. I've thought about contacting her and recommending some help, but I don't think it would go over very well, which is an understatement.