my mother doesnt' want me to date an asperger

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Your mother has some viable points. It is incurable, and it does have some real pain-in-the ass aspects that are going to drive you buggy, and you may end up supporting him depending on how marketable his strengths are and how well he is able to mask, compensate for, or overcome his social issues.

Think about that. How are you going to feel when he carries on for hours, off and on for weeks or months or years straight, about something that is of infinite importance to him but (at best) of absolutely no interest to you?? I know my husband would rather never again hear my social commentary, or see another piece of dystopian fiction, or hear another breath about local food or sustainability or self-reliance or disaster preparedness or the destructive nature of materialism...

...and the only way I can give him not having to hear about those things is to refrain from speaking and live a life that is counter to my personal ideals and moral convictions.

We're in a bit of a sticky spot, at least in part because he married an Asperger woman.

How are you going to cope when something blows up in his face, and he asks for help, and other people judge him the same way your mother has, and he sinks into a deep depression that lasts for years, develops poison hatred of himself and resentment of other people, can't leave the house for days on end, possibly attempts suicide??

How are you going to feel if one of your kids DOES get it?? I don't think the chances are as high as they say-- so far NONE of my kids have it (thought the boy did, but ADHD fits better), and I am hypervigilant so I would probably see it if it were there. But-- spend some time hanging around the Parents' Forum and think about how you would feel if it DOES happen.

How is HE going to feel if one of your kids DOES get it?? Is he going to be willing for them to have therapy, or demand that they be let to just be what they are regardless of whether it's maladaptive or not?? Is he going to become wildly overprotective because of things he went through?? Or assume that he must behave as if he hates them, because actually he manages to mask Asperger's by treating himself as if he hates himself??

How are you going to cope with societal stereotypes about Aspergers?? There's a good chance that your mom has seen too much crap on TV regarding all the speculation about mass killers having Aspergers. A lot of it is complete and total BS, but that doesn't change the fact that it forms a sizable part of a lot of people's perceptions. How is he going to cope with that?? How are you going to cope with that?? What about if kids with Aspergers do enter the picture??

I'm not saying your mother is right. Honestly to judge someone without even knowing them on the basis of X condition is bitchy, ableist, foul, nasty, and at least at first glance indicative of a sh***y personality.

But-- there's another question. She's your MOM. Someone who is, and is likely to remain, important to you. She might change her attitude with time and knowing the man in question...

...and she might not. How are you going to deal with THAT?? How is HE going to deal with THAT??

I know my father-in-law (and to a lesser extent my mother-in-law) ALWAYS held me in disgust and contempt and distrust because of my quirks (and I was careful around them, and we'd known each other for over a decade before I disclosed anything). It's been hard for my husband to have that tension between me and them; it has been VERY hard for me to know that they will ALWAYS despise me, no matter what I do, because I cannot be A Typical Woman. It's put a real strain on our marriage; it's been sixteen years and it may be a dealbreaker yet.

Final point: After four months, you don't really know him. You know him better than you did after four days, and better than you did after four dates, but you don't really know him yet. All you know right now is that you are interested in continuing the relationship. You don't really know him well yet-- you are still seeing his on-stage, practiced, controlled, best I-want-you-to-like-me behavior. He is, like anyone, still putting his best foot forward and keeping his dirty laundry in the closet.

That can't go on forever. It wouldn't be fair to him, or to you, or good for a relationship. A "normal" person can't live like that. Someone with Aspergers doubly can't live like that.

I'm not saying your mother is right. Only that she has valid points. In the end, others are right: YOU are the one dating him, not your mother. It is YOUR life, and YOUR preference, NOT HERS. I don't know your mother-- she might be speaking from greater wisdom and experience, and she might be speaking from socially constructed bitchery.

I'm not saying that he's not a sweet, swell, wonderful guy. He may be. Very well may be. The world is full of great, underappreciated guys and gals with Aspergers. NOBODY is perfect. Everyone has some pretty sh***y flaws. He very well may be a prince, or anyway YOUR prince.

I'm just saying that four months into a relationship that seems to be getting more serious and with potentially valid parental objections is a really important time to be asking yourselves hard questions, and to be keeping an open mind, and one loving and one cynical eye.

Because, if each other with all your collective quirks and foibles (I'm sure you have some too, that he hasn't had time to really decide how HE feels about yet) aren't the right fit for each other-- if your strengths and weaknesses do not work well together and your rough places do not lay OK against each other and you are not likely to grow in the same general direction-- it is better to see that BEFORE. Before marriage, before kids, before the investment of years of your lives and the involvement of innocents.

If my husband and I had broken up in our 20s, it would have been painful. But we would have been childless, in our early 20s, with our whole lives before us and all the opportunities in the world to start over. If we broke up now, in our mid-30s, it would be a different story entirely. It would still be painful-- and there would be lawyers involved, assets to fight over, kids to figure out how to work with and co-parent when we don't like each other any more (or, worse for everyone, fight over). It would be hard for him to work out how to be a single parent, even if he weren't the one with primary physical custody, and still hold down a very demanding job. It would be hard for me to figure out how to be a single parent, even if I weren't the one with primary physical custody, and still hold down ANY job. It might or might not be a struggle for me to provide for myself, other than by crawling back into the hills and becoming a recluse. No matter HOW we managed to cope with parental rights, it would be DEVASTATING. To BOTH of us. Not to mention THE KIDS.

I'm not saying that you automatically have no future with this man. You really, truly, very well may. My husband swears that he loves me and in happy with me (even if it does not seem that way to me, and I expect to be left at any moment-- which is at least partly due to his parents' advice and attitudes, and I reiterate, that's something not to be blown off lightly, the strain that can put on a relationship). You very well may, and you very well may not. With or without Asperger's. You have something up on a lot of other young couples-- you already KNOW what some of your challenges may be, and can think about it and read about it and talk about it and strategize about it. That's a considerable asset.

Just-- keep alert. Aware. Open minded. BOTH OF YOU need to do that. Be willing to continue, but also be willing to not continue. KEEP ALL FOUR OF YOUR COLLECTIVE EYES OPEN, and KEEP SOUND JUDGMENT (NOT EMOTIONAL JUDGMENT) IN PLAY.

Because regardless of someone's neurology, it is easier to find out that it won't work earlier than to realize that it really seriously isn't working, and you don't know how to fix it or even if it can be fixed, sever or ten or sixteen or twenty years in. It's easier for you, and it's easier for him too.

I'm not on your mother's side (and I think her attitude stinks). I'm trying to be a voice to protect BOTH OF YOU from the possible devastating consequences of youthful idealism and naivete, because I was once a young, idealistic, naïve woman with Asperger's, and I don't want EITHER of you to pay some of the prices my husband and I have paid.
Please pardon my English too-- it is my native language, and I tend to abuse it.

First of all, this is a guy OP's been dating for 4 months. It's a bit prematurely to be thinking about how it would be for her to spend the rest of her life with him. In any case I think she, as his girlfriend, knows him better than her mom or someone who's never even met him and are basing their assumptions on other people with AS. Not all people on the spectrum need to be cared for any more than an NT.

Also, women tend to have the nourishing role in heterosexual relationships, whether the man has AS or not. I'm autistic and have had that role in almost all my relationships. I actually think the relationship I had with a guy with Asperger's was more equal than the others in terms of how much we supported one another, amongst other things.

You have to get to know the person, not only the diagnosis. You can read as much as you like about Asperger's and other people's experiences of having it or being with someone that has it, but it doesn't apply to your situation because your situation is unique, all situations are. Basing our decisions on generalizations and letting them influence our perception of the world and the people in it isn't the way to go. We have to deeply feel into our own situation, our own state of mind, our own values, opinions, perceptions, as they appear to us, because it's our life, not someone else's. So my advice to OP is, don't listen to your mom, don't listen to what anyone says really, unless it rings true to you.

It was a big mistake to disclose his diagnoses to them but too late now. It's already been done. What you can do now is continue dating him and ignore what your parents say about him. Keep proving them wrong about him.

Hi Eva21,
I am a man with high functioning Aspergers and married a neurotypical wife. I had a normal career in the military. We had less problems in some ways then the typical couple, and some additional problems related to Aspergers, but no 'show stoppers'. If you wish to keep the relationship going I would suggest you become pretty informed about Aspergers. Your partner can make small changes over time, but will likely always retain his basic personality and ways that you see in him now. Once you become knowledgeable and are ok with it, then don't be afraid of the future. Aspergers isn't progressive. It doesn't get worse in other words. What you see is what you get.

And the parents.... They had their own life and choices. You have yours. I wouldn't let parents stop me.

sly, try listening to all parts of a response, not just the parts you might take personally. I think I said repeatedly up there that some people with AS will be fine in some relationships. Some will not be able to manage. There's no way to know until you give it a try. I advised that if the OP and her boyfriend get serious, they try living together before marrying and having a family. If they live together well and she can handle his AS, and he's a good partner, then great. If not, it's much easier and less traumatic (and expensive) to break up as bf/gf and find a new place to live than it is to divorce with children.

I agree with Tarantella - up to a point.

Look just cause you're dating some guy doesn't mean a lifetime commitment is on the cards. Enjoy your time. But go into this with your eyes open.

She's right about living together... But for me, even though we lived together, it wasn't long enough - I married when I was still blind to the 'red flags' and when I was still my husband's 'special interest'. Even when that faded, I'm quite independent and there was still a lot that was good in the marriage - although it was also missing a lot and it was quite exhausting and there was none of the joint socialising that I would have really enjoyed.

When we had a child however, things just went to hell. He couldn't handle it. He took it out on me. My life has been pretty miserable since then. That's not something that would have been revealed during our living together phase. So when ToySoldier says this isn't a progressive disorder - that's sort of true, but life gets progressively more complicated and how he reacts to those complications and pressures means that his symptoms may SEEM progressive.

To anyone who says I only care about my needs - that couldn't be further from the truth. I've catered to his needs extensively.And it isn't that I haven't tried communicating with him. I've tried. I've tried communicating verbally when his actions were such that I'd have expected anyone to know that it wasn't ok...

For example, he never wanted to be left alone with our son when he was a baby. I mean NEVER. I needed a break desperately. I'd BEG him to allow me to take a shower and if I did he'd say to our baby son "Your mother's abandoning you."

I said to him as clearly and plainly as it comes "When you say that it really hurts, me - please stop saying that." I'm not sure how much more plainly I could have said that. But instead I got the hour long argument about how I was crazy and over-emotional and I didn't understand what he was saying.

The hurt in my case has built up so much that I'm no longer able to reconnect with someone who has a connection deficit - I'm not willing to make that extra effort anymore. And in his case, he has sensory issues with sex - and I'd never be able to re-kindle that emotional connection without a decent sex life. And that just isn't going to happen.

I would never knowingly date someone with Aspergers. I would also advise my son not to do it - not that I think kids take that kind of advice very seriously. I'm sorry if that offends, and I'm sure that it does. But I've been burned enough. It's just not a risk I'd be willing to take.

Sorry for snipping out just this one part, tarantella. I hope this is not taking it out of context:

n relation to the op.
I think its a challenging thing balancing parents vs the person you are in love with.

my brother has gone too far in his spouse over family.
on the other end if your spouse makes you happy and love each other your parents have no say, they aren't part of the pair.
I hope she'll come around to him.