Married to an Aspie

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I'm kind of where you are except I only have one child (NT), my husband's special interests are different and instead of wanting lots of sex - he doesn't want much if any. My husband does do some useful and constructive stuff around the house. He has interest in our son if (and only if) my son engages in his special interests or there are people around and he wants to look like a 'good dad'

I, too, have come to end of my tether.

Having been on the refused end of a sexless marriage, I have a great deal of sympathy with his position - and this may be one of the ways he can connect. But if it is completely 'unconnected' sex from your side or you feel manipulated and used - you certainly aren't under any obligation to have sex with anyone you don't want to. But if you do feel that things are improving and you want to have sex I wouldn't take it off the table as a bargaining tool.

I agree completely with Tarantella about seeing a lawyer. You must do this. I understand this is a scary step and one I put off for a long time. Too long. You can often have a first consult for free. Take this up. You'll find out your basic position. Explain aspergers. If the lawyer looks blank - don't go with that one.

I am miserable. And I fear that my son is seeing that this is an acceptable way for a man to treat a woman. It's also time for me to go.

You mentioned that your husband is in the military. Is it possible that he's experiencing PTSD?

No PTSD on his end at all thankfully.

Hmmmm... How bout hormonal imbalances. Sounds like he has problems controlling testosterone (work, military, only talks to you when he wants a meal and sex). Guys need rest to help boost testosterone levels back to normal. They also need to feel as if they are making a difference.

Perhaps take a look at how you two communicate with each other and the source of the arguments.

Testosterone's pretty handily regulated by the bod. If there's actually a problem it'll show up medically. Bodies are actually pretty good at homeostasis.

Well...there may be more truth in what he says than you want to hear.

One of the defining features of AS, in many who have it, is lack of deep emotional attachments to other people. If you look around this board you'll see significant confusion about what "love" is, what "friends" are and why people need them, how one is supposed to feel about family members, etc. Which is not to say that it's true of all people with AS, but it seems to be true of many.

In a literal way, yes, your children are a burden. They may be a burden you cherish, but you guys are the ones who carry them.

People with AS are also frequently described as incredibly self-centered and oblivious to others' needs. Sometimes reminders that other people *have* needs are necessary, though if they aren't the same needs that the person with AS has, the learning process can go on a long time, especially if the person isn't motivated and doesn't really accept that it's important. Again, on this board you'll hear a range of talk about that -- everything from "my complaining wife finally divorced me and now I'm free to live in an apartment by myself just as I'd always dreamed" to "I love my wife very much and she's a wonderful person, and I regret that I'm not able to give her as much attention and care maybe as she deserves, but I do try very hard to remember what she likes, and do that, and remember to ask her about things, and she also knows that she has to tell me things straight out, which helps."

Does your husband acknowledge in counseling that other people's needs are also important? And does he want to be married?

[quote="tarantella64"][quote="aspiemike"]Hmmmm... How bout hormonal imbalances. Sounds like he has problems controlling testosterone (work, military, only talks to you when he wants a meal and sex). Guys need rest to help boost testosterone levels back to normal. They also need to feel as if they are making a difference.

Perhaps take a look at how you two communicate with each other and the source of the arguments.[/quote]

Testosterone's pretty handily regulated by the bod. If there's actually a problem it'll show up medically. Bodies are actually pretty good at homeostasis.[/quote]

Hormones aren't just affected by ones body. There is a lot of mental processes that effect, as well as verbal. Oxytocin is the best example of this. Testosterone wears down the more a person works (mentally and physically). Oxytocin usually gets a person moving if they get talk about their feelings without worrying about another person cares or not.

Even if his hormones aren't affected, it seems obvious that the OP's hormones are.

The OP has an irresponsible and chilly husband. One needn't have a "hormonal imbalance" to be uninterested in sleeping with a man like that.

No.

The diagnosis is:

A reason why he might have difficulty expressing emotions

A reason why he might have trouble identifying other's emotions without being told

A reason why he might have a hard time thinking of things to do with the kids on his own

A reason why he might have trouble forming very close emotional ties

A reason why he might need more "down time" than "normal people"

The diagnosis IS NOT:

A reason why he should not be required to attempt to identify and communicate his emotions

A reason why he should not be required to respond to others' emotions when it has been spelled out what they are

A reason why he should not be required to at least attempt to interact with the children

A reason why he should not be required to at least give a crap about other peoples' needs and feelings

A reason why he should not be required to contribute to the work that goes into running a household

I have AS too. My day today consisted of:

Getting up at 6:30, fixing my husband's breakfast, and getting him off to work. Getting myself showered and dressed, waking up 3 out of 4 kids, getting them dressed, and hauling them to the dentist. Figuring out what to do about the fact that, despite daily brushing and flossing and the fact that sweets and junk food are only occasional treats, the 5-year-old has multiple cavities. Dragging the kids behind me to my therapy appointment. Getting them home, feeding them lunch, washing the dishes from breakfast and lunch, assigning the 12-year-old a few chores (sweep and mop the floor). Dragging the younger three back out the door to WalMart, doing a month's worth of grocery shopping, helping the 7-year-old locate the Nerf gun he's been saving for since January, and carting the melting-down 5-year-old out of WalMart (along with the 7-year-old, the 2-year-old, and $361.72 in groceries). Getting home, putting it all away, figuring out something for dinner, figuring out how I'm going to get four kids, two cats, and a dog out of the house for 4 hours so I can flea bomb tomorrow, and getting ready to take the kids swimming. Now it's, well, now.

I realize that different people have different capacities. But-- that was my day. If he's not capable of making an effort to be considerate and chip in, then he's probably not capable of being married (and shouldn't expect to get laid-- seriously, I have come to accept that part of being a married woman is "putting out" whether you're in the mood or not, but there's a difference between "doing one's duty as a wife" for a man who "does his duty as a husband" and "being a sex dispenser;" if a man wants a sex dispenser, I hear they go for between $200 and $1000 a night).

He has my sympathies; being an Aspie in this world is no goddamn picnic and I love my down time (Internet use and reading and sitting on the porch with a cup of coffee and a cigarette talking politics with my buddies) and hobbies (gardening, self-reliance and survival, reading, message boards) as much as the next Aspergian. I don't just love them-- I NEED them. They're the sugar in my coffee-- without them, life is pretty damn bitter.

But I do my job; if I did not do my job, I would not expect to have a husband and kids. Spouses and children ARE a burden; carrying that burden is the other half of the help, joy, and companionship they give. Those who are not willing to carry part of that burden should be honest about that fact and not marry/have children. I try to give a crap about people; if I did not, I would not expect to have friends or a family. I try to be helpful and considerate; if I did not want to do those things, I would live alone in the woods somewhere.

You also have my sympathies. I, too, have lived with a lunking meathead who thought the extent of his job was to bring home a paycheck and not stick his round thing in any other triangular things (and that MY triangular thing should be always open for business). For several years, I put up with it because I thought having Asperger's meant that I should be grateful to have gotten that much and could expect nothing more. Then we had a little discussion (OK, 18 months of fights) about what things needed to change if we wanted to avoid divorce court.

I spread my legs more often and try hard to keep my thoughts to myself (or at least limit their expression).

He washes more dishes and changes more diapers, plays more board games and tries to yell less.

We have, thankfully, not needed to hire lawyers and work out a parenting plan.

Thank you so much for this I needed to see this side.