shyguyatlove wrote:
I miss my best friend's sister. This sounds crazy but I use to talk to her at her job. I enjoyed her conversation. I started talking to her on Facebook. I seen that she bought a new car, so I was being silly and said something like take me for a ride in it. So she came out to where I was living and picked me up. I enjoyed her company, and I really cared for her. She would make me laugh and smile and yet I would get panic attacks around her from liking her. So she asked me if I liked her. I didn't want to lie so I told her yes. I hung out with her one night and she was big into theatre. So her and I went to the park and we starting Improv. I tell you I had such a blast around her. I usually look for a reason to run away, only this time I didn't want to run. I was sad when she said she didn't feel the same about me as I did her. I really screwed things up even more and I still have trouble forgiving myself for it to this day. I wrote a blog post on a love and relationship blog saying that I feel a guy shouldn't tell a girl he likes her because he is giving all his power away by doing that. I didn't put her name on it and our friendship hasn't been the same since. The thing is I didn't plan on caring for her more than a friend and I do. I would do just about anything I could for her. I miss her beautiful smile, her intelligence and her sense of humor. I got so nervous because I liked her and I hadn't liked any female in a long time. This may sound crazy coming from a guy, but I didn't care if I had sex with her until I got married to her because to me she would be worth waiting for. I just wanted the chance to be in a relationship with her. I just wanted to hold her in my arms and never let her go. I enjoyed having intelligent conversation with her. To be honest I find most women downright boring, but not her. She was exciting to be around. I just pray that she forgives me and changes her mind and gives me a chance. The worst thing about all of this is " I also struggle as a guy" because I haven't been the same since 2002 when I got fired from my job. After 2002 I just wasn't the same person at work that I was before. I would get to work, lose my concentration and get freaked out over getting fired. I'm on disability for at least the next three years. I'm considering going to a singles church in this new city that I moved to a few months ago to try and meet someone new. Please understand I'm not going to church just for that purpose, but I want to meet someone to bring me joy. Is it too much to ask, for a lady I like to like me back, and understands that I'm nervous around her because I find her beautiful inside and out. Actually I hope she thinks it's kind of cute that I'm nervous around her a bit. This last year I was diagnose with autistic spectrum disorder. I knew something felt strange in my book because I would have feelings I wouldn't understand. Like right now, I'm jumped from one subject to another, and now back to the subject I was talking about. I am having panic attacks and a ton of sadness from not being around her. I don't know if I can just be her friend when I want to take her by the hand and just hold her so close to me. I just don't know how to move on and stop feeling guilty for what I did to her. I still think about her and I feel guilty because watching her with someone else is just like a bad movie that never ends. I know I should want her to be happy and yet I feel selfish because I want her to wake up and see that I do care about her in spite I find numbers of ways to screw things up. What also is interesting about her and I also love about her is she is cute when she's mad. Not that it's my intention to make her mad but I know that I will screw up whether it be with her or some other lady in the future. I just hope that they will forgive me. I deserve to be with a woman who has both inner and outer beauty. I'm on medication for my depression and meds just don't fix the problem.
Hello Shyguy, I completely understand how you feel. It sounds like you found your "Ideal Woman." I had someone like her in my life from about 1997 to 2001. I too experienced panic attacks when I knew I would see my IW. She was the most intelligent, beautiful, exhilarating person to be around, and I felt like I came alive whenever she walked into the room. I met my IW in church, too. I told her that she was the girl I wanted to marry, but she just anted to be friends. There was a huge age difference too (six years is a big difference in your twenties; she wasn't yet looking for a serious relationship). Everything I did just pushed her farther away. This only made me try harder until I became obsessive, and then she threatened to report me as a stalker. That is not a road you want to go down. I think the only thing that stopped me was meeting my wife. I still think about my IW often, but I haven't seen her since 2001, and it's for the best. I didn't realize at the time that I had Asperger's. I didn't even hear about it until I attended teacher's college.
Anyway, if the idea of seeing her or running into her is going to cause you pain, my advice is to move to another city. I moved halfway around the world. There is still a pain in my heart because I miss my IW, even though I'm content in my marriage. It never truly goes away, but knowing there is someone in my life who loves me for who I am helps to dull the pain. Even though I don't think I can ever forget my IW, I've moved on the best that I can. I think some wounds will only truly be healed in heaven, and this is one of them.
15 Jun 2014, 4:09 pm
