First of all, hello! I'm new here, been reading lots of posts but this is the first I've made. My name is Jess, and I am a 32 year old NT woman dating a 44 year old aspie man. This is my first relationship with an aspie, though in the past I worked very closely with several aspie children as a special needs preschool teacher. Despite my experience with AS, I have found that having a relationship with someone with AS definitely presents its own challenges.
My guy is very high functioning, and most people wouldn?t recognize him as an aspie right away. He maintains a home (for his brother as well as himself) and has a good job, he has good friends who have accepted me into the fold as well, and we both have similar interests and beliefs. I didn?t know when I first met him that he had AS, he told me during our first ?real? interaction with one another (I fell head over heels for him and pursued the relationship, even though he literally ran away from me the first several times we met). As soon as he said he was on the spectrum, my brain lit up with recognition, and I think I might have actually said ?Of course! It all makes sense now!?
I?ve been looking at information about dating an aspie man since our relationship became more serious (we recently began living together) in order to gain insight into how to best go about keeping our relationship as happy and fulfilling as it has been thus far.
The biggest things I picked up on right away with my aspie man make so much more sense to me now that I have read a little into dating adults with asperger?s. Like the fact that, even though he?s the most caring man I?ve ever been with, and generally very good at making sure my needs are taken care of, if he has a pressing need it will almost always eclipse anything I need. For instance, when I was just visiting his home, If we were both hungry, he would make his food first even though ?common courtesy rules? generally dictate that you should offer your guest food before yourself. I?ve found that ?common courtesy rules? are kind of silly though, for the most part, and have adapted to make sure he gets what he needs in order to keep both of us happy. As long as I vocalize the things that are important to me that I need, I?ve also found I?ll get them. I can?t just assume he?ll figure it out by my behavior, body language, and subtle comments. He?s become very good at picking up on those cues most of the time, but I?ve had to become good at recognizing when his needs outweigh my own, and it?s working.
The only thing I am struggling with is his constant need for reassurance. I have read this is common with some aspies, and I believe it is because he hasn?t dated much. At 44, he?s had only two other relationships, and both did not end well. He constantly tells me he can?t understand why I want to be with him, he has very little self esteem, and doesn?t truly believe that I love him. Is there anything I can do to help, other than continuing to constantly reassure him? I tell him every day that I love him, I see value in him, that he?s intelligent, interesting, attractive, and talented (his hyper-focus and interests have combined to make him probably the best guitar player I?ve ever heard, which is what drew me to him to begin with as I?m also a guitar player and extremely interested in music? But if he monologues about the merits of Eddie Van Halen?s technical style for several hours many more times, my head may just explode? We?re working on this though). He often asks me to relate to him, in extended detail, every thought I had about him the first couple of weeks that I knew him and what made me fall in love with him. I don?t mind doing any of this, I don?t even mind listening to him talk about Eddie?s technical merit, but it doesn?t seem to be doing any good. I even wrote a poem for him about the things he always asks about, the first month of our relationship, why I love him, etc. Is there more I can do to reassure him, will it just take time for him to see that I?m sticking around, or does anyone have any other suggestions for me?
Also, just out of curiosity, I'm wondering if it's common for adults with asperger's to jump very quickly into relationships, or if this is just something he does. It's been very refreshing being with him, as I've never dated anyone so completely honest and forthright about what he's thinking and feeling, but sometimes it kind of leaves me taken aback a little. As I started earlier, the first three or four times we had occasion to hang out, I had said little more than hello before he quickly said he had to work in the morning, or some other such thing, and let abruptly. He laughs about it now, but also admits it's because he was indeed interested in me, but didn't know how to talk to me and was afraid he would only "mess up" and scare me away. However, some friends who noticed our mutual attraction intervened and got him talking to me, and we've literally been together since that day. Very quickly (12 days later, as a matter of fact) he told me he was in love with me. I found this kind of preposterous, but at the same time had to admit I had strong feelings for him too. Our relationship has been very accelerated from that first real interaction, and now, several months later, I am living with him. Because of his complete incapability to be dishonest, I truly believe he really does care, but I'm wondering if I should be alarmed at the rate things are going? That's not to say that I'm unhappy, I'm actually as thrilled as can be and really want to put forth the effort to keep this relationship going, hence my ridiculously long post here...
Anyway, I'm just looking for some insight here, either from fellow NT-significant others or from people who have asperger's, because I feel like this is territory in completely unfamiliar with. Thanks in advance for any advice, and sorry for the length of my post!
Jess
06 Aug 2014, 5:04 pm
