Question for Shy Guys Who Are Ambivalent about Dating

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HI. I have known someone for almost a year now who is almost definitely on the autism spectrum. We have been in a relationship most of this time, but he only ever admits it/calls it that in that past tense when he is trying to break up.

When he tries to break up we always end up seeing each other again.

He is so socially anxious that when alone with me even when it was his idea to meet, he tries to find some activity to occupy himself which totally works against us spending time together. Like suddenly getting obsessed with a windowshade and trying to fix the shade. You know what I'm talking about.

He often insists we meet in public and refuses to go indoors privately which is exhausting and uncomfortable and not what a close relationship is made of. He tells me sometimes that he has to leave from where we're sitting on a bench for example really suddenly. He writes to me later and says he had to leave cause he was getting aroused. He gets really anxious if I'm touching his leg. He repeatedly says things like What if a homeless guy saw you touching me like that? He'd probably get really jealous and try to beat me up.

He has admitted at more rational points that he has strong OCD surrounding sex where he thinks something bad will happen if he gets involved in it. He is obsessed with the idea thy there is no pleasure without pain.

He has general social anxiety too. He won't sit on a bench if there is anyone remotely around and always waits outisde when I go into a store cause he I intensely agoraphobic and claustrophobic.

I know he cares about me because he has been absolutely fixated on and fretting to no end about the possibility another guy got me pregnant who I went out with when he ToLD me to go out with someone else because he 'wasn't able to do anything' . He said he has been stressed out and losing sleep over the possibility and it's all he talks about, and he keeps telling me 'I wish you wouldn't be so impulsive' and 'I wish you would just go out with girls' an 'This is so painful' after HE himself repeatedly rejects me and I go out with other people.

I think he is possibly the most adorable person I have ever met but I really don't see how to get past these barriers without some kind of help or advice. He seems to have really severe alexithymia but denies having it and refuses to see a professional.

I should also mention his family is extremely 'traditional' and religious and his dad died recently and he feels he has to live up to an ideal his dad mentioned years ago of not getting married and being like a monk basically. It all seems extremely religious-guilty mixed with Aspie OCD and black and while thinking.

Do any of you have any advice, have any of you experienced this?

I should mention that we've done 'everything but' but whenever he does that the next day he says something like 'I don't know what got into me, one thing just led to another, but that needs to end now. I can't be getting involved in sex and relationships. I need to be alone.' Then he does it again a couple weeks later and immediately the next day disowns it again. He isn't using me for sex stuff though, he actively spends most of the time we are together not doing sec stuff and avoiding it but going out if his way I meet me to help me move bags without me even asking, giving me money I don't ask for when he's afraid I'm low on money, etc.

Have you asked him directly wether he thinks that sex outside of marriage is wrong? Sounds like he's been brought up that way, but really fancies you and is having trouble tying the two worlds together. He can't work out what he wants more, to stick to tradition or to be with you. I don't think this is an asd thing, sounds more cultural. Are you in the US? There seems to be that whole purity culture thing going on in some areas. I'm basing this on what Jessica Valenti writes about American culture:

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/aug/19/virgin-research-generation-women

If he's had abstinence only sex education apparently it consists of things like this:

I don't see how you guys can be successful without him being more reassuring and less self-defeating. Also... The issues in this relationship show that someone or both of you could be more direct with each other. If you survive after dealing with some tough issues, then I think your faith in this relationship will grow.

He shows signs of possible sexual abuse as a child. Not saying it did happen, just that those fears and anxiety levels concerning intimacy are not normal for ASD/social anxiety issues. When the abuse happens at a young age he may have repressed memories.

Perhaps you could talk to a psychologist about this possibility and then see if he will go to the psychologist. It's not easy but it may be of great help to him and to you both as a couple.

Is it possible that he might be asexual? In a world where you are constantly bombarded with messages of how one is supposed to act/behave in certain contexts, there are plenty whose experiences do not fit the general messages, for whom sexual attraction is not something they experience but have never had the words/context to express their lack of desire and thus never knew it could be considered a possibility.
Can't say for sure, but that, in addition to the autie traits may have a compounded effect when something is suggested sexually (which, from a conservative religious background, might be something simple like getting touched on the leg. Though oversensitive to touch can cause meltdowns for many on the spectrum as well, though other rationale might be given for such discomfort. Sometimes it's difficult to find the right words for our experiences, so we say things that carries part of the message, but not reflect our inner experience (eg; saying it would make a homeless guy jealous might mean "I'm uncomfortable with pda"; both explanations have a similar effect, that of preventing touching in public, but a very different way to get there).

Here's a site worth exploring, just in case. The pressure to conform to gender performances and sexual orientations that do not reflect one's inner experience can be confusing and emotionally taxing.
http://www.asexuality.org/home/

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional, so I hope you take my insight as non-professional brainstorming. Seeking out a counselor might be a more productive/definitive way to go about this. Good luck!

I would say logically I would say OCD, would be the first logical target.

I think other issue (or no issues), may come out.

You need to encourage him primarily as friend to get treatment, not to muddy the waters. Then worry about relationship later.

Perhaps he is just not interested in this kind of relationship, however alternately it could be something that is is causing him distress, and prevent him from enjoying things he wants to. However you should not make any assumptions at this juncture.

The no pleasure without pain/suffering is related to Buddhism. Has he shown any interest in it? OCD can take over, and obsessions can relate to almost anything and also completely random.

Actually all the theories presented are reasonable, but no one is more or less likely and they aren't necessarily mutually exclusive . Just think OCD would the obvious choice to rule out first.