Do the majority of guys with A.S. never get a girlfriend?

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basically it feels like us guys are dealt with the card of responsibility for everything

But my past has been insanely difficult for initiating relationships with women.

I don't get why it had to be so tough, feels like hell to me.

Even now that I'm married, when I walk around in public, people look straight through me like I didn't exist. I'm incredibly lucky I'm married.

I didn't ask for this curse, it really makes me sad when I think about how tough it has been to connect with people during my life. Some times it has worked out, and people would do activities with me.

Other times, it seemed like people were avoiding me. Makes me crazy when I think about it.



I wouldn't wish autism on anyone, it has been way too difficult. I just want to be LIKED and LOVED. My wife provides these two critical needs for me, and I'm very happy with her. I feel the rest of the public is SO COLD towards me.

Makes me want to move out of the state it feels so isolating.

Ok rant done. *sigh*

No Jono, all I am saying that women and men differ significantly in brain composition, they process thoughts, logic and and emotional stuff differently and the differences are greater than NT/AS of the same gender, It's a matter of difference rather than more and less.
I would imagine if a genderless aliens get their hands of a brain of each gender they may theorize they belong to two very close species.

I'm married to one of those 'wife-diagnosed' aspies. I feel pretty firm in my conclusion. Others have suggested it to me as well.

I have tried very hard to make my marriage work. But the 'brutal honesty' thing eats away at me, the sensitivity issues and the 'routine' thing makes things very difficult. The meltdowns and even the mini-meltdowns (outrageous tantrum, but seems to blow over very quickly) are hurtful and stressful to me. They are frightening. Even when he's in one of his 'nice' phases, his behaviour is pretty hard to handle.

To imply that I'm not empathetic to his needs is really pretty far from the truth. I've been plenty empathetic. But there comes a time when I need to protect myself (and alas my son) from his behaviours. I also long for a relationship which can provide ME with emotional support on a more predictable basis. I'm tired of walking on eggshells.

It's not just his aspergers behaviour, some of his bad behaviour is stuff he chooses to do, but there's always a filter of aspergers over those behaviours which make them feel worse. He seems consitutionally unable to apologise. Today he broke one of my favourite things through clumsiness and he didn't say sorry. Didn't say a word. This is one where a sorry is a no-brainer. This is by far not the only instance of failing to apologise for stuff but instead often going off into a diatribe about how something isn't his fault or why he shouldn't have to apologise.

Where AS/NT relationships seem to work is where the AS partner understands some of the impact of his/her behaviour and at least tries to acknowledge it or work around it. I can't recall one instance of these self-help forums where NT partners haven't listed a huge number of compromises and work-arounds and catering to the AS spouse. We just want a little reciprocity.

Most relationships and half of marriages fail in the US and in many parts of the worlds so it's certainly not AS making these numbers; it's a no-brainer to realize that.

Oh and tarantella, this one's for you. I think that a lot of the time when NT's seem to be doing a lot of work on their relationship with the AS partner and it doesn't seem to help, it's mostly because they actually lack an understanding of the disorder. There are a number of books on this topic that include suggesting ways of getting around this misinterpretation problem that you keep alluding to when communicating. Fore example, there's this one that's actually been written by someone with a PhD in psychology:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820777/ref=rdr_ext_sb_ti_sims_8

Here's a good one that's written by woman who actually managed to get her NT/AS relationship to work despite running into absolutely all the issues that you've mentioned:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1843107341/wrongplanet-20?creative=125581&camp=2321&link_code=as1

There are a few other's like Jerry Newport's book, which he wrote about his relationship with his wife and both of them have AS. Some people seem to like Maxine Aston's book "The Other Half of Asperger's" but some don't because they feel that it actually put's down people with AS.

The problem with asking male aspies to remain persistent and confident is that the nature of the amount of rejections we often have to go through to learn 'how it works' is actually detrimental to confidence-building, a human can only take so much failure before their self-esteem evaporates, aspies are not unfeeling robots, each rejections always hurts like hell.

I mean I still remember the faces of each and every rejection I received... and in fact, it hurts me so much now that I tend to avoid women with those similar characteristics in a true PTSD manner... This is the sort of upwards climb a lot of us have to face, and with each rejection the hill gets steeper and steeper, and then people will blame me for feeling emotions, for being disappointed in all my failures.

Believe me, if I could put my hand in that 'fire' and not feel anything, I would do it, but because I'm human, that means the fire is going to hurt like hell, worse yet is that my conditions means that the fire will burn me much more often than otherwise.

This is probably the sort of pitfall that tons of male aspies fall into, myself included. One that's nearly impossible to climb out of without a sheer amount of luck, or without a tremendous support system of friends and family.

OK y'all

OF COURSE I've tried seeking outside help.

No, I'm not a psychologist, but I am well educated with degrees in physical and social science and a career's worth of experience of social research and diagnosing cultural and behavioural issues inside organisations. I'm capable of reading diagnostic criteria and matching these to the behaviours and characteristics of someone I've lived with for most of my adult life. So while I acknowledge that this isn't an official diagnosis and only an educated hunch - I feel pretty confident.

Since this dawning realisation, I have researched and read about and tried to implement ways of improving relationships between AS/NT partners. But I am exhausted from doing ALL the work in this area and worn down from the criticism, the meltdowns and the over-prioritisation of special interests. I have a responsibility to myself to address and fulfil my own needs.

OF COURSE not all of his behaviours are Aspergers caused (assuming you grant me for a moment that I may be right). But if Aspergers is part of who you are then at the very least it's a confounding factor. And certainly I believe it to be more than that.

Jono you talk about meltdowns as if they are some kind of meaningless symptom of the condition. But in fact they are damaging and hurtful and abusive. You may think the intention means they are not abusive but abuse is defined by behaviour and impact and not intent. Many NT abusers feel out-of-control when they abuse, but that doesn't make it not abuse. Yes, I can see what influences the onset of metldowns, certain stressors and in particular auditory stimuli - but a lot of these are outside of MY control, yet I bear the brunt of the results. His behaviour is HIS responsibility. I have spent much of my marriage tip-toeing around him and trying to make sure not to upset him. But sometimes life means that he's upset by something else or I need him to fulfil something in his role of father/husband/family member.

And the thing about emotional support...sometimes when you need it most are the times that you are least able to articulate it. But I have tried doing so...dispassionately on many occasions. I have asked for specific and concrete and quite reasonable behaviour changes only to be met by excuses or outrage. I've tried writing it down. I've tried going through a therapist.

For individuals on the spectrum, you can continue to deny that asperger tendencies are damaging to relationships or you can work on your own or with your partner to moderate those behaviours. No one is saying that ALL the work should be on the AS side. No one who goes into a relationship should think that all the work and compromise should be one-sided. But that's what many of us who have married AS partners have found expected of us.