Why is "Ghosting" Socially Acceptable?

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I don't track people down. I also prefer diplomacy. With that said, I am a combat veteran with extensive private firearms training. My handgun is a last resort only, but if it comes out, they are dead before they even see it. With a handgun being weaker, I do 5 shot rapid fire drills to the chest, head, and neck. If you are shooting someone, they need to be stopped instantly. A CNS hit is the only guarantee of this.

And yes, I am entitled to an explanation. It is common courtesy. If someone stops contacting me, I have no idea why. They might be in the hospital or something else.

I have not changed the topic. We're talking about cases like the following: you go on a date or two, then suddenly you don't hear from her. She doesn't answer texts, calls, whatever. You never receive a clear rejection. My anecdote was not an example of this, but it wasn't intended to be: I presented it to dispute your claim that "to say it's about sparing pain is self-serving false rationalization." We often do consider the rejected person's feelings, and I think this can be shown even in the sorts of examples we've been discussing. My argument for that goes as follows:

1) When we reject someone, we ought to minimize emotional pain.
2) Some rejections cause more pain than others. For example, "you're an awkward loser" causes more pain than "I don't think we suit each other."
3) Just as "I don't think we suit each other" causes less pain than "you're an awkward loser," no-contact seems to cause less pain than "I don't think we suit each other."
4) Therefore, to minimize pain, we ought to go no-contact.

Now, you will contend with 3) and argue that no-contact doesn't actually hurt less. I mostly agree with that statement, and have said elsewhere that I doubt 3) routinely obtains in the real world, which is to say that I don't think it ends up being the case that no-contact hurts less than "I don't think we suit each other" or a similar rejection (especially for someone with Asperger's/autism). Indeed, for many of us, it hurts more. But despite this, I still think it's fair for a person to think along these lines. The argument makes sense and considers the rejected party's feelings; I also imagine that 3) applies to some people, whether they know it or not.

Edit: I originally said above that you'd contend with 2, because in my first draft of this post I wrote only 2, 3, and 4 (hence the original 2 became the current 3) and added 1 later. I'd forgotten to update the rest of the text in order to reflect that change.

Finally: for all I've said above, I do not actually think most people go no-contact to minimize pain. I think the real reasons consist in a fear of the man's reaction (as others have described), an avoidance of mutual awkwardness (because rejections are awkward for both parties), and the fact that many people regard no-contact as an acceptable form of rejection.

Last edited by The_Underground_Man on 27 Oct 2014, 7:04 am, edited 2 times in total.

Just wanted to say I love your name.

Carry on.

My point was just that it's difficult for things to happen in this area without it going unnoticed. I don't even assume any guarantee of internet anonymity. Most anything leaves a trail.

Sure, you could probably take on the locals. But then you'd be the next Eric Frein. What's the point? There's no happy ending here?

You do understand, of course, your firearm prowess and combat experience would make you more of a terrifying figure for most women, especially someone breaking up with you and feels strongly that her life is potentially in danger? Especially if the bf in question is DEMANDING or at the very least expresses his view he is ENTITLED to an explanation?

This is one of those situations in which the reason why might be self-evident. She thinks she'll end up dead if she has to spend any more time with you giving you an explanation you may or may not accept. No, you're NOT entitled.

As I've mentioned before, I know what it's like when women play those kinds of head-games. I know how crazy I've gotten. Just leave 'em alone.

I agree that it's normal to sense the worst when someone just drops contact suddenly. I get that. I'll go so far as to say at this point in my life I don't have to worry about feeling I'm owed any kind of explanation or a second chance to fix whatever it was I goofed up. At this point, I just want to know if I still have a relationship or not. If you're going to dump me, just dump me. I can wait as long as it takes for any girl, I mean, I'm not going to break up with her, cheat on her, or anything like that if she's in ICU or the psych ward. I'm not going to leave someone in the darkest part of her life.

I'd probably just call her parents and friends just to see if I have anything to wait for. If I don't get a straight answer from anyone (but it's obviously not health-related), then I'm probably gone within two weeks. I don't like to think anyone would call the police after I've gotten faded and all I'm trying to do is find out exactly where I stand. But, at any rate, it's very easy for a girl to make us look like foaming-at-the-mouth psychos just because they refuse to say "I'm not your gf anymore, go away." Just do yourself a favor and keep your distance because a girl like that can seriously screw up your life.

I agree that the best thing a guy can do is to just accept it. Nothing good comes from insisting on a explanation, or pestering the girl. OTOH, I think that girls that handle this in a irresponsible way (or think they are entitled to doing whatever they fancy), should avoided like the pest. You don't want to suffer from the pain they will inflict on you, whether it happens after a few dates or after being married for years. Thus, an important part of any reasonable "dating" scheme is to expose girls that reasons like this. A really good way to check this if they are exclusive before they have agreed to be, and it's even better if they are tested over some time (at least a few weeks, but ideally a few months or more).

Last edited by rdos on 26 Oct 2014, 5:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

No-contact causes less pain in the specific situation you described, which you described as just a date or two. "Just a date or two" hardly qualifies as a LTR or any degree of ongoing intimacy. Fading someone does no significant damage here.

Fading after sex is just plain poor taste. More an annoyance than a heartbreak, but still...

Fading after an ongoing, intensely happy LTR? It's not just hurtful?it's maddening. I think I preferred my previous ex screaming at me day in/day out than the psychological nuclear option this other girl dropped on me. I've never been so messed up over a girl before or since. Coming to that realization the way I did was perhaps the most embarrassing thing I've ever experienced.

Sorry if this is a stupid question, but can you clarify how someone might go about doing that?

From the OP:

"My main question is: why is this practice considered socially acceptable nowadays? This seems to be a very common way of rejecting someone you're dating nowadays, if not the norm. In my opinion it is extremely rude and disrespectful. I think that if you are going to go on a date with someone, you should at least have the courage to tell them that you're not interested if things don't go well." Emphasis mine.

The above suggests dating as I described it and not long-term relationships.

That said, I think no-contact after sex depends on the context--was it a casual fling (and was that understood), was there an expectation that it would develop into a relationship, how did the parties involved meet, and so on. No-contact in the middle of a committed relationship is different. I would question whether or not it was truly "out of nowhere." But if the relationship truly had been a good one, then I would consider going no-contact unfair and needlessly hurtful. In such a scenario, I think the the rejected party is owed an explanation. (Note that this is assuming a "good" relationship, however you'd define that. I can easily see a person thinking things were great, even though in reality, they'd been abusing their partner.)

Simply ghost the ghoster.

Angel, does this state start with M?

QFT

When did I say I was "entitled" to feedback? I said I want feedback. I didn't say I'm entitled to feedback, I didn't say I have a right to feedback, I said I wanted feedback. I ask for feedback, I don't demand feedback. You should learn the difference between wanting something and thinking you're entitled to it.

Is this an issue after just one date? I've had a number of first dates where neither I nor the other person has been in contact afterwards, to me this means "not interested" and it's no big deal at all.

I don't see a problem really with ending communication as a way of ending the whole thing, in the earliest stages of dating. Like if I went on a date and then texted afterwards "I had a really nice time and would love to catch up again", that's prompting them to let me know if they agree, and I'd prefer it if they did respond either way. But if they don't respond, that's my answer and I'll leave it alone.

I certainly have had instances where I have told my date afterwards that I am not interested and then they have pressed me to tell them why, then when I tell them why, they tell me they can change that or that I should give them another chance or whatever. It does make it harder the next time to feel inclined to send that "not interested" text.

So that's my opinion when it's just the one date. The closer you are with the person, the more impolite it is to "ghost"/"fade", IMO.

The amusing part about this is how everyone hates getting a taste of their own medicine.

it seems we're all hypocrites about something. otherwise we'd have no need of incarnating.

You are NOT entitled to an explanation. You WANT an explanation.

Armed + DELUSIONALLY over-entitled = Elliott Rodger.

A truism is that folks do stuff they WANT to do. A girl not calling to give you an "explanation"? Is nevertheless communicating with you. The message is GO AWAY!

If the girl is in the hospital? She will call you when she gets out IF and ONLY IF she wants to talk to you!