Hardest thing for you related to relationships

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Perhaps I must offer a bit of perspective on my previous relationships as well here.

I've dated someone for almost a decade and I'm quite sure she'd qualify as an aspie hands down. The thing is, she was busy with her education, I was busy doing my things and we, at best met up once a week. And that was in a time where IM and cellphones weren't as crazy as they were now. With her I just texted to ask when she was coming over and I didn't have to be on constant alert because she was "bored" or anything of that nature.

To her, and perhaps to me as well, it was merely a really good friend... with benefits with whom I shared a few more thoughts than superficial ones. WEll, that, and the fact that it was my childhood friends sister, so she knew me, way, way before we started dating (about 14 years or so prior)

My last one at which it came way more apparent that I need alone time; She's been diagnosed with no perspectives of employment or education at the meager age of 20. But add in someone who grew up with MSN, cellphones, smartphones and the inability to keep herself busy the majority of the day with someone that's actually meaningful, my phone kept buzzing way too often. I didn't meet her that often; she lived about 100 miles from me, so we'd at best meet once every 2 weeks, perhaps once a month, yet the thing I noticed, was that because of the distance, it just felt that whenever she was around we were waiting for her to go home again, since we'd just wanted to do different things. Clearly it doesn't help when you're on your computer while the other person is on her tablet or something else. It takes away a bit of the entire notion of "being together" and you wonder why even bother. If you have a handful of interests that either don't interest your significant other or are actually solo activities it's hard to fit in.

That said, it's not that I wouldn't want a relationship in that sense, I guess I'd just need to be a bit more picky. Having someone with personal issues and an inability to entertain herself for the time being reflects badly upon me and prevents me from getting things done, be it leisure activities or actually something in terms of an attempt to a career

I'd say a combination of meeting the right person & being open to having a relationship develop.

It's only now, at 32, that I feel ready to date & seek a LTR vs. just having a ridiculously good sex life.

In the past, when my symptoms weren't in check, I felt that a relationship wasn't really an option as I felt I would burden someone else with the way I was. Now that I'm living life 2.0 with symptoms in check, I'm open to a relationship and just at the beginning of seeking one by chatting with others I'm interested in potentially dating. That covers the being open to a relationship part.

As for meeting the right person.. oh how I wish my crush was into me as I'm into him lol, but I accept that he's not & appreciate the close friend he will always be to me. I've met a lot of guys in my life, but only a short list of a few I'd consider having a relationship with so far - unfortunately some of those on the list are straight lol. I've just begun looking for someone so I can't say whether it's difficult or not to find someone I click with on more than a sexual level yet. I'm just going to keep doing what I do and eventually I'll meet someone I click with all around and a relationship will develop out of it I'm sure. I'm actively looking, but also not trying to force it. When it happens it happens.. and has to be with the right person for sure. There have been plenty of guys over the years that have wanted to date me, but I haven't been interested in them beyond the brief hookups we shared. Someday I'll meet the right one. Who knows? Could even be the guy I'm chatting with right now at this very moment..

I think I've only ever been asked out once in the actual wording- but I'm not exactly sure if I should even count it because I think it was a joke.
the guys on my bus used to be really mean to me, i asked the bus driver about it once and it stopped, mostly I think because after that the
drivers always watched me like a hawk, but is there some sort of vibe that I give off maybe? I know I've been told I have a tendency to glare when
I'm looking up from something else (usually trying to refocus my eyes and bring my attention back to whatever the interruption is) there's nothing
physically off-putting about me to my knowledge, being 5'3 is apparently "cute" status according to my sister, despite the inconveniences caused by it.
is it something to do with my personality? so far as i know i don't do anything that screams stay away from me. I'm not particularly good with children
and for the life of me i can't understand pop culture (beyond Warhol) and sports (other than martial arts) but that's not completely uncommon right?

Being able to tell if someone is interested and knowing how to approach her

Compromise is hardest for me. I'm strong-willed, independent, and don't easily trust people.

I have zero problem getting them... I can score as many dates as I want, pretty much. Keeping them... yeah, that never goes too well.

First off, I base sexual attraction almost solely on scent. I know within seconds of the first hug whether I can even consider dating someone. Looks mean nothing... I'd reject the most handsome guy I've ever seen if he didn't have the right pheromones, and I have fallen hard for guys that my friends found very unattractive. I guess this is what makes me weird. Next comes the logic. I analyze everything to the core because I hate wasting time and emotional energy. I get attached very easily, so why waste that on someone if it isn't going to work out anyway?

Then, once I find someone I actually feel like I could potentially connect with, I usually get one of three rejections:

1. "I feel like I can't connect with you." I know I have issues with eye contact when I'm still getting to know someone. I need to work on this, but I also wish they would give me time to build the connection. I often get this rejection after about 1 or 2 months.
2. "You're kind of intimidating." Men don't seem to appreciate women with a brain. This rejection usually comes sooner, but one guy I dated for 3 months actually had the audacity to say, "The only thing you're good at is math." He later apologized, but ouch!
3. "I'm not the right guy for you. You deserve so much more than I'm able to give you." I think this one is total BS, but I get it often. I have no idea what it's code for. Whatever it is, it's lame and makes me angry.

I had an amazing FWB that I was able to connect with super well, but he died suddenly two weeks ago. My first love is also dead. Talk about a fear of abandonment...

[quote="123entropy"]I have zero problem getting them... I can score as many dates as I want, pretty much. Keeping them... yeah, that never
hen, once I find someone I actually feel like I could potentially connect with, I usually get one of three rejections:

1. "I feel like I can't connect with you." I know I have issues with eye contact when I'm still getting to know someone. I need to work on this, but I also wish they would give me time to build the connection. I often get this rejection after about 1 or 2 months.

Sometimes this can be code for "we don't have enough of the things that are important to me in common"

2. "You're kind of intimidating." Men don't seem to appreciate women with a brain. This rejection usually comes sooner, but one guy I dated for 3 months actually had the audacity to say, "The only thing you're good at is math." He later apologized, but ouch!

You are probably well rid of these types, lucky escape. Any man who can't accept your intelligence without feeling threatened will probably have a problem accepting a lot of other important things too.

Maybe, just maybe - you are looking in the wrong places? Could you brainstorm some different ones where you are more likely to meet types that you are likely to form a more congenial bond with? (I met my SO at a Social Anxiety Group).

The hardest part is getting started. Getting a girl to like me or see me in that light. I'm great at making friends, I have enough female friends that I can donate those friendships to the lesser fortunate, I just have no relationships to show for it. I can't even make it to an actual relationship before I fail.

This too ^

The hardest thing for me is my lack of self-confidence and communication skills. It's more as a result of social anxiety than anything, really. The gender role for men is pretty universal no matter who you date, it seems men are expected to lead the way, take control, and be confident about every decision they make. That just isn't who I am. I'm not an alpha male in any sense of the word, and I don't aspire to be one, either.

I've found the majority of women I've dated expect me to lead the way - this isn't just something as simple as asking a girl out. That's easy, and I don't fear rejection. It's the communication aspect of it more so than anything. What is her body language saying? How soon can I send her a text message? How often should I text her? That thing she just said, what was she REALLY trying to say? What if she wants to choose the restaurant and it has a menu of food items I find undesirable - how do I express that to her, and how do I expect her to understand how I feel about trying new foods? What if she really likes to drink, and expects me to be a drunk with her? New friends don't just communicate like that, everything is indirect and we're expected to "just know" and be okay with everything - like there's a whole bunch of unwritten rules that I just don't know. And that just simply isn't who I am. Stepping out of my comfort zone takes me a lot of effort. The whole process of dating seems more like an interview more than just trying to have a good time and get to know someone.

I've felt I'm able to be comfortable and able to communicate with someone. It has to be a mutual thing, though, and that just has never happened for me. I don't blame myself or women for this, though. Usually they expected me to do something and I didn't do it, or I just assumed something they did or said meant they weren't that interested in me, and I was wrong. Either way, it's best to just learn from the experience than blame myself or her.

I really have no idea. I have never been on a date, but I assume I would struggle with just about every aspect of a relationship.

Can I pick all of the above?

meeting women, since I don't really have a social circle, most people it seems meet their future boyfriend/girlfriend through their social circle, mutual friends, and approaching them, escalating with them

At the moment, for me it's getting one in the first place, since there's no where really, where I could physically meet anyone besides the internet right now. The last 2 occasions where I did manage to ask someone on a date, they both said no. One because she knew that she wasn't planning staying close to where I live and the other one because she wasn't interested (though by her reaction, I was a bit worried that I had unintentionally stepped over her boundaries simply by asking, it was really awkward).

In addition to getting to the relationship stage, I say the hardest part is finding someone I can actually take an interest in. There should be a Drake Equation for finding and ending up with a mate, and the factors are particularly bad for aspies.

P = n*s*a*d*r*l

P: Probability of having a mate at any point in time
n: number of girls met on a monthly basis, say 1 a month for example
s: percentage of girls that are single, Lets estimate this as 40%
a: percentage of single girls one is attracted too and is attracted to an aspie, lets call this 15%
d: number of meetings ending up in dating or maintaining contact in some form, how about 25%
r: number of contacts with attraction that end up as a relationship, eh, why not 33%
l: average length of resulting relationship, I'll give a generous estimate for aspies at 12 months

so I can approximate P = 1/month * 2/5 * 3/20 * 1/4 * 1/3 * 12 months = 12/200 = 6% for each month out of a year

In addition, we need to multiply by the average dating lifespan of the average aspie male, lets say 20 years. Giving the average male aspie with have 8.4 months of relationship bliss over his entire lifespan according to my estimates. Which pretty much means they'll get two thirds of a relationship. It could be possible to take this further, accounting for relationships progressing to coitical pursuits. Which still is pretty low.

So apparently I should be a stone cold virgin, which matches my current state.

Your formula is amazing, it should has an extended version:
P = n*s*a*d*r*l - w

w: The % of monthly time spent on WP creating relationship formulas, if it's too high it may leads to a negative result