My Aspie Fiance

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I try so hard to understand and not get upset with him, but sometimes it is so difficult. Right now the most difficult thing to deal with is his obsession with a game, and his complete unwillingness to help me out at all no matter how overwhelmed I say I am. He is currently on vacation from his job so all of his time goes to the game. I am working 2 jobs, am in charge of the housework, the budget, and full time college. I have my attention split in so many different directions and he gets so upset if I ask him to do one little thing, or he just seems to ignore doing it. I have read different articles on Aspergers so I understand that he doesn't do certain things on purpose and I also realize I cant just expect him to change, so how do I deal with it? Just keep swallowing my feelings until I explode? He doesn't want to do anything at all, he says he knows that him having Aspergers effects others and that it is difficult for others to always cater to him, but instead of working with me and talking with me, to try to make things better for everyone he just sits and plays his game. If I try to talk to him while he plays he gets agitated, but then if I don't talk to him he gets agitated because I'm not saying anything. Its like I can talk to him as long as its one of the 'approved' things he will talk about. It feels like anything I might ever say that is negative about him at all only gets a 'whatever' or him saying to stop or shut up, which hurts me.

I've tried asking him to read blogs that I found were helpful because it helped me understand him more because the writer has Aspergers, and they also described how I was feeling very well because their friend lets them know what they feel. When I asked him to read it, he never bothered, I put out effort for him, but its like anything for me isnt worth his time. I know that someone with Aspergers does tend to seem selfish to others and they don't mean to, and I'm thinking that is the same with this situation, but like I said before, how do I deal with it? He is actually a very affectionate guy, loves hugs and does enjoy talking to me, but with everything I have to do on top of trying to help keep him balanced I'm so overwhelmed that I had to go to the doctors for anxiety issues.

Any thoughts?

My thoughts are that you shouldn't marry this guy.

Wow. I read these stories so much on wrongplanet. All of a sudden I understand why a lot of women are hesitant to marry/settle with an aspie guy.

Thing is, it is entirely possible to be both aspie and an a***hole. Sounds like that's what's going on here, and it's not really the aspie bit that's relevant so much as the a***hole element!

Absolutely true when you say that one can be both aspie and a***hole, but I have observed that women with aspergers partners complain a lot more about their partners displaying this kind of selfish and inattentive behaviour.

That probably is due to the one's that do complain are in relationships with a***holes, and the one's that aren't doesn't need to complain so we don't hear from them as much.

Mine, too.

If he's unwilling to compromise, learn, change, grow, TRY etc then the state he's in is what you can expect more of the same of.. and if that's not something you're willing to sign up for for the long haul, I wouldn't marry him if I were you.

It may need to come down to that sort of ultimatum & then if he says he's willing to try, a set time frame for said trial. i.e. give him 6 months or a year, go through some couples counselling, have him learn some AS things, be patient and practice coping skills with him etc - but all of this depends on his willingness to try for you. If he's unwilling, well then there you have your answer and you'll have to decide whether you truly want to be with someone who's unwilling to be any better version of themselves for the benefit of your relationship. Personally, I couldn't subject myself to that, but obviously it's your call.

First I'll say that having AS is never an excuse for not trying and putting in an effort. If despite all you're doing he simply does not seem to be working to fix things, you really ought to be prepared to leave rather than risk throwing your life away - no matter how hard you work at it, you cannot fix things unless he works with you. I do really hope for both your sakes that you are just frustrated and his behaviour is not quite as awful as you just made it sound.

As suggested above, just because AS can make a person seem like they're being selfish when they don't mean to be, doesn't mean they can't also be genuinely selfish. However I'm going to give him and your relationship the benefit of the doubt and suggest a couple of possible insights.

The first is a suggestion that you try learning and talking to him using NVC, which stands for non-violent communication. It's a well known way of asking for what you want without offending and has been used successfully in everything from relationships to tense diplomatic situations. After reading up on it I realised it would also be a great way of communicating with an aspie. It's direct, specific and to the point, yet avoids making the person feel attacked or offended. If you can't get through to him with NVC, I doubt anything will work.

It also sounds like he's badly addicted to his game. In my experience, if an aspie fixation, or special interest is extreme it works very similarly to other types of addiction. It sucks the colour and energy out of the rest of life, becomes a compulsion hard to resist, and takes up a large proportion of brainpower and ability to function as many thoughts are given over to it. It also can't get better if he can't admit that he has a serious problem. I don't have any magic cure, but I will say that it's something to take as seriously as any other kind of addiction. If you're lucky he might naturally lose interest eventually. He could easily look for a new game etc to fill the void, but the transition time would be a convenient time to try and break the addiction... Assuming he's even open to the idea. This might sound a bit odd, but there are games out there in which the player is rewarded and progresses for doing real life tasks. Examples are HabitRPG, EpicWin, Chore Wars (you can even compete with him in that). It's just possible you could propose such a game as a way of satiating his game addiction in a way that's good and constructive.

In addition he might be depressed, and if so, spending that much time on a computer game isn't going to help his depression.

You sound like a very strong and caring woman. I do hope you can make it work, but in the end you do need to look after yourself, even if that means giving up on him.

When I eat wheat it makes me lazy and procrastinate.

Also try asking nicely for him to play his game during set hours.

If you dont disturb him during those arranged times it will help.

Most dont want to marry or settle with an aspie guy when they find out their man has aspergers they will dump him off the bat regardless of how nice he is they dont want to deal with those quirks they want a perfect man.

I agree with the above posters that just because you have Asperger's, doesn't necessarily mean that you could be selfish as well. However, from what you wrote, it also be that he doesn't necessarily not want to share his household chores with you but that he's a bit caught up in his special interest and that you've had some trouble communicating with him. While, it's a bit unfair to you for him not to his share of household chores, and that I agree that should, if it's the case that rather than simply not wanting to do it, he just forgets because he's caught up in a special interest, then the problem isn't unsurmountable. What I would recommend, is to try talk to him about how you would want to divide the chores and work out a schedule so that at the same time, he still has own time for his special interest. For example you could try to organise a specific time for his special interest to be engaged in instead of letting him became totally obsessed with it all the time. He'll still have time for it but then there'll also be time to spend with you and do his share of the household chores.

Also, us aspies can easily misinterpret what you're saying to us due to difficulties in non-verbal communications or taking things literally. Also, we might get defensive if it sounds like an accusation, for instance I wouldn't phrase it as "you do this …" or "you don't do that …", I would say something like "I'm really stressed and tired, could you help me with …". Basically it's the NVC that JPS has mentioned. You can also write down what you want to say to him. You can also try talking in a soft tone in order to avoid misinterpretations of tone of voice for example or you can write down what you want to say to him

Oh before I forget, if you're looking for some general information about Aspergers, I usually have a lot of trust in the British NAS (National Autistic Society) website. They're the official national autism and Aspergers charity in the UK, so you can trust most of what they say there:

http://www.autism.org.uk

They even have a special page for partners of people with Aspergers. Here's an FAQ of frequently asked questions that they usually get from from partners:

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/parents-relatives-and-carers/partners/partners-some-frequently-asked-questions.aspx#When%20we%20have%20had%20an%20argument,%20it%20does%20not%20matter%20how%20many%20times%20I%20try%20to%20explain%20how%20I%20feel,%20he%20still%20says%20he%20does%20not%20understand.%20This%20is%20very%20frustrating%20and%20makes%20me%20angry.%20Sometimes%20he%20leaves%20the%20room%20or%20becomes%20annoyed.%20He%20has%20also%20fallen%20asleep%20in%20the%20middle%20of%20an%20argument.%20How%20can%20we%20improve%20the%20way%20we%20communicate%20with%20each%20other?

Here are some books that you might be interested in:

http://www.amazon.com/An-Asperger-Marriage-Christopher-Slater-Walker/dp/1843100177

http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Alone-Together-Making-Asperger-Marriage/dp/1843105373/ref=pd_sim_b_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=1KN5BKPY3DSQWR8PFHTQ

Here's a book the describes how an aspie sees the world:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Field-Guide-Earthlings-autistic-neurotypical/dp/0615426190/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1417452136&sr=1-1&keywords=a+field+guide+to+earthlings

Not necessarily. That may be the case but if we haven't heard the whole story, I'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions. It could be that he really doesn't care about the household chores and doing his share but it could also be the case that there are other issues at play, rather than him simply not wanting to do it. I would suggest trying to work out a plan on how you would like to divide up the the chores as well as leaving with some time left over where he can still pursue his special interest, if this is indeed just about a fixation on a special interest as well as possibly about some communication difficulties. I do agree that he needs to do his share but I'd rather first give them the benefit of the doubt and suggest other strategies for making that happen before deciding that he's really just lazy and doesn't want to do them.

Oh by the way, welcome to Wrongplanet.

Oh boy. No they don't always do that. Some do out of ignorance and some do because they don't want the extra effort that goes into having a relationships with an AS person, (men and women). But obviously some are wanting to stay with their aspie partner, proven by the fact that there are NT's in happy relationships with aspies on this forum. I think that's why the OP is posting here, to get positive input on how to improve her relationship.

This is one of the reasons i left my girlfriend, i just wanted my free time back and I hated having someone depending on me and wanting attention. I was also terrified of comitment, being sucked into marriage or accidently having a kid. I really did just want to go back to my simple life of playing PC games alone, and thats exactly what I did.

This is what you should do:

BREAK OFF THE ENGAGEMENT.

There…did my all-caps shouting quota for December.

DON'T break off the relationship, however. You have essentially an unlivable situation divided between jobs, school, and a home life. This isn't a snapshot of the rest of your life, however. You can manage it once you cut out a few temporary items such as school. What's happening is you're overwhelmed and it seems your guy is the only thing that COULD change and make it all worthwhile. It's causing you to be over-emotional and keeping you from thinking about it with a clear head.

If you can't get married right now, you don't need to be engaged. You need to dial this thing down, give back the engagement ring, and take it easy. When you get through school and maybe get a single job with shorter hours and better pay, THEN you can think about adding an aspie husband as a 2nd full-time job.

Now, that's only addressing your stress and stretching yourself too thin in the SHORT TERM. In the LONG TERM, you've got way bigger fish to fry. Your guy doesn't seem to really be interested in anyone or anything other than HIS interests. He's not really all that interested in you. Interested in HAVING you, maybe, but not interested enough to actually work at the relationship. If you don't pull together, this thing is going to disintegrate. If you get married and this happens, you're looking at at potentially a year's worth of misery once you finally come to your senses and try to leave the relationship. That's why I think you should not be engaged. You need the freedom to step back and say maybe you two can't be together anymore. You can see other people or become interested in someone else and not have quite so ugly repercussions as you would being engaged or married.

If you're living together, it's time to get your own place. You're not in a position to take care of someone and carry him along with the other burdens you're already committed to, especially not with someone who for all practical purposes just isn't that interested in you. It will likely be painful to take a couple of steps backwards in the relationship, but given the frustrations you're having NOW, you're going to eventually feel a LOT better than you do now.

Let e know when that happens esspecially if a woman has to choose between and aspie with a mediocre job and an NT who makes 6 figures a year and drives a Ferrari shell pick the later!