Are crushes required to start dating?

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I've got to the point where I'm questioning the validity of crushes. I got over my last one after being turned down in about 36 hours, and I can't help thinking that if she'd said yes then my interest may have dropped off by the time the first date came around. Yet people won't date someone if they don't have feelings for them. Is a crush a red herring?

It will always depend on the person. I once decided to start a romantic relationship with a friend at her request despite having never had any sort of "crush" on her. I thought my platonic attraction to her could evolve into a romantic one but it never happened and our coupling eventually dissolved. It's undeniably important to have feelings for the person you're dating, but it's more important to tell the difference between a romantic crush, a sexual crush and a platonic crush, as the three can be mutually exclusive.

I think that the point of asking someone to go out with you is to see if the crush lasts once you get to know them better and to see whether it develops into something deeper.

I think it is essential to have feelings for someone before agreeing to date them as you would just be leading them on otherwise. I wouldn't want to go out with a guy and then find out in a couple of months time that he never fancied me anyway and wants to break up because no feelings had developed, that's just a waste of my time and vice versa.

No a crush is not a red herring. To be honest I don't quite understand your line of reasoning.

*sigh*

Omigoodness YES it's a red herring.

Not true that people won't date someone they don't have feelings for. You start dating casually, as a couple of friends meeting up for coffee/beer/dinner/bowling/ice skating/mini-golf/whatever. You don't have to frickin' have feelings for someone to just want to spend time with them. What happens during this process you find some of them develop feelings for someone else, you find you're more attracted to some than others, and still some either never had minds to lose or are otherwise (perhaps inexplicably) simply incompatible with you. There will be a few you actually develop feelings for, maybe a crush or maybe something else, and fewer still who reciprocate. Don't get freakin' emotional about it. Just take an objective look at who you spend the most time with and move it to the LTR stage.

You're not going to date in a LTR context with someone you don't have feelings for. But not dating AT ALL? Naw…it's silly to require "feelings" just to get to know someone.

Yeah, but with some people you just know that there's nothing there and there never will be, you have to at least like something about them.

Agreed. I wouldn't count someone out EVEN IF I didn't have feelings for that person--because I might change my mind later. I certainly wouldn't count someone out even if I could tell already there was no future and it was over before it started. Well…let me clarify… I wouldn't NECESSARILY disqualify someone at the friendship stage even if there's no future. I would if she's a negative, crude, mean-spirited, manipulative, or she has mental/emotional issues I'm not prepared to deal with even in the short-term. We all have issues, don't misunderstand. My question is whether I'm prepared to deal with that. Some people keep their psychoses around as pets. I can't handle that. People like that aren't even good friends. Those are people I will tend to keep at a distance. If you're coming out of a horrible relationship, suffering PTSD, and you just need to work through something, I'm with you all the way. That's not a permanent issue. I can be your therapy. I won't be your punching bag.

But above that, I'm just looking to hang out. If I'm not serious about anyone at the moment, then I'll pretty much go out with anyone whether or not there is a future because at the moment I value not being home alone on the weekend more than I care about who I'm going to be in a LTR with.

Now, over time all that is going to change. I may "like" a lot of girls, but not a lot of girls actually like me. I'm going to set my emotions aside and let nature take its course. There might be 3 or 4 possibilities that I feel drawn to, and if there's some strong chemistry with one in particular, that's the one I'm going long-term with.

The 3 girlfriends I had I met online. 1st was just a an online friend I never considered a relationship with till she said she liked me. The 2nd was a girl who responded to a post I made in this section about wanting a partner & we jumped in a relationship. 3rd which is my current & should be last, had messaged me after reading a lot of my posts here & I jumped in a relationship with her too. The only person I ever had strong crush feelings for was a celebrity so crushes matter not with dating to me.

Can I ask you what made you not consider the first one for a relationship?

If you’ve never dated, dating will always require something you don’t have.

A crush is just a strong attraction.. something can always turn you away from that crush. I had a strong crush on a girl, dated her, found out she had a very, very inflated sense of self-worth, and it put me off so bad I didn't like her anymore. Also spent time with a girl I figured was only good as a friend and learned otherwise. Crushes are nice but they really are just an attraction and in general, not real important in the long run.

Sure you can. I never had a relationship before & wasn't interested in having one.

For me a crush is an essential part of any potential relationship, and it never develops through knowing somebody better. It has to exist before I know them.

Typically the crush will diminish as I get into a relationship, but that seems normal to me. It's not required anymore when the contact phase is done.

I've dated before and I still don't have the right stuff.

I don't think so at all.
There's plenty of people I don't necessarily have a crush on I'd date.
Plus, the two would both have to be eachother's crush before dating, which isn't that common, so that means a lot less dates.

Then there's falling in love with someone you barely know. now that only gets in the way since you'll see everything in rose tinted glasses, and it will eventually go away. Falling in love is based on just seeing the person, you don't have to know the person in the slightest to fall in love, so it's pointless.