Desperate to Understand

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I am married to a beautiful lady, it has been seven years. It has been a tricky ride, because when we got married I was not aware she had Asperger's. I value and cherish all the aspects of the wonderful gits it has brought into our lifes, but I struggle to comprehend the lies and disinformation that she uses to achieve what she wants to do. She was diagnosed about three years ago, after I could not take the lies anymore, and nowadays I do not refer to it as lies, rather as being unassertive-not knowing how to make her needs known. It affects our lifes in a serious way, because she wants to be in control of a lot of things, but she often misses the bigger picture and we ge into hot water, with disastrous effects. We nearly lost our house for no reason at all, and for months on end we have been running on a zero budget because I could not get her to come to the table to discuss our joint finances-she insist being in control as a a modern highly functioning Aspie-and can she operate! There should be thousands left every month. Yet,when she gets nervous or fearfull she makes decisions which puts out finances in peril and she lies about it and refuses to give me access or refuses to be accountable, stringing me along with lies and more lies. It leaves me in a place where I can not plan, set goals, uphold my dreams, or our joined dreams become a big problem. She ends up living with nervous fear and I live without the basic necessities, and all of this without reason, because if we could communicate better, she would realize most of these fears are exaggerated, and most of the decisions which caused us harm was made because of fear and not communicating.I believe in God, and the contract we signed before God, part of which says that I should not leave her, and as long as it is in the best interest of her, me and our marriage, I will do all possible to uphold that promise to God and her. But my dreams, hopes, security and finances must also have a place, otherwise I will do all of us a disfavour.

I know she hasn't got a bad bone in her body, I love her and care for her very much, but I can not trust a word she says, so I am in a real quandary. I know I am her whole world. We have gone for councelling to deal with the way we communicate, and I have upheld my end of the bargain.

The part where she struggles is not the talking-she agrees and promises-but then goes right ahead and does whatever she wants. Perhaps I am a wimp, but I would like a mature relationship with her, and I do not want control over areas of her or my life which she feels so strongly about-clearly it gives her much needed security. At the same time, if the paw-paw hits the fan, she looks at me to solve it and sort it and come to the rescue. My main questions is, does this even relate to typical Asperger's behaviour, or is there something I am missing, perhaps to scared to see?
When we met some of this behaviour is what made me fall in love with her-strong willed and self sufficient-but running a marraige where it takes two people is a big challenge, and I really struggle to hold it together. Any advice dear people?I have been searching for an Aspie support group in our area, without luck, and perhaps I should start one.

One solution: establish a separate bank account.

That is a real problem: her desire to be in "control" of everything. Perhaps she was in a past relationship where a guy was in "control," but screwed up?

Kraftiekortie, In 1 1/2 sentences you hit it on the nail. She had never been in a relationship-left home at 39.

But until then her brother was controlling her affairs and inheritance, and still does. So it makes perfect sense.

After we got married I started helping her to regain her power, and she is currently fighting her cause with the lawyers-7 years later she is still fighting, and she must be feeling pretty alone and desperate. Strangely, we talk about it often and mention that the untoward behaviour belongs to a time and place long gone-with her brother and family-not in current relationship anymore.

However, your statement made me think hard, and it seems that by giving herr all the control and power in our relationship which she desires, not having control or power in her life-the part with her brother and inheritance- is still a very debilitating issue for her. I guess I feel disappointed- I was hoping she would find power in our marriage, living forward and building on what we have, but until she solves this, she may never be able to move on.The challenge is that she says she is prepared to take responsibility for this behaviour, but she doesn't. My challenge is to remain patient and strong, I am blessed that I do not take it personally-don't ask me how I manage-perhaps because I know she is just one fine lady. I think I can support her with more care and understanding, and will hold on to your 1 1/2 sentence-it means the world to me right now. Thank you Kraftiekortie!

Thanks for the compliment.

I hope you both could break out of the "glass jail" that you find yourselves in. It's a situation that's paradoxically easy and difficult to break out of. You both know the method intellectually--but something emotionally (unconscious) is holding you both back. I'm sure you are both seeking to address this.

I have lots of things that I know intellectually--but cannot properly implement in a tangible way owing to a probable "emotional/unconscious" component to my being.

However, to preclude yourself (and myself) from trying would be criminal, in my honest opinion.

I wish you excellent luck!

You have about a quarter century on me in terms of age. I have had some difficulty in the last few years since moving to a new city and living on my own and away from family. I make enough money, but i had been pretty irresponsible for some of my financial decisions I did come to God 18 months ago. I think the last year has seen some improvements. I also have a girlfriend and she didn't have a job for the first 9 months which put me in the position to pay for lots of things. Her having a job has eased my stress a little. further easing the stress was giving up smoking a year ago. And this new year, I decided to make a plan. But the interesting thing is I didn't see possibilities until i paid a tithe during a church service one morning. it wasn't much, but it was a start. Suddenly I found a more logical way to pay down some debts. I have reduced about 10% of the debt so far.

Not sure how much this can help you. but i do know that irresponsible decisions can come from fear or selfishness. I am not certain if Aspergers has anything to do with the financial aspect at all. But the lying likely has to do with a fear of disappointing you.

I'd suggest 3 bank accounts -- one yours, one hers and one "house" account, that both of you have the funds to cover mortgage/rent/utilities direct deposited into.

Given that your wife has messed up your finances repeatedly, it makes sense for you to be responsible for both your finances for the next, say, six months -- and then reevaluate.

I'm guessing your wife won't go for that, so another option is to hire somebody to pay the household bills out of that account -- it can be done very inexpensively and your/her sanity is likely worth it.

(A dear friend wasn't diagnosed until shortly after grad school -- when he had a great job, made really good money but simply didn't have the logistical wherewithal to pay bills and rent, put the milk in the fridge and not the cupboard before leaving on a 10 work trip, etc. After the second or third time this happened, I called his parents and said he really needed their help. His parents flew in the following weekend, Aaron was receptive and help was arranged -- set up a direct deposit "house" account + hired a bill payer + cleaner/shopper 3x week). It's 15 yrs later and the system works great!).