Where do you draw the line between Withdrawing and Ghosting?

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I found this interesting thread while browsing through LD forums (mostly from the arguments ):

Why is "Ghosting" Socially Acceptable?

I say it's interesting because most people in the thread agree that Ghosting is wrong and that you should tell a person if you're not interested anymore..at least after you've gone on a few dates (correct me if I'm wrong). From what I understand, based on what I've read so far, is that a person with ASD has a tendency to withdraw/shutdown due to physical/mental/emotional stress. My question is: For someone who has dated a person with ASD, how do you know if this person is on shutdown or is already ghosting? I also read that a person with ASD will not initiate contact after a period of no communication. The NT person will have to reach out after space has been given.

I am asking this because I was seeing this guy who has disappeared for the second time (it has been a month). I'm not going to discuss it here (it is on a different post) but just as a note, I initiated contact the first time he disappeared (after 2 months) and he said he lost his phone and all his contacts (and is "very happy to hear from me!! !! !").

I've been told to give it some time.. and try again later without sounding confrontational, which is what I would do, but I don't want to look like a dumdum chasing someone who is not interested. I am confused and would like to understand.

(it may help to know that we were seeing each other for 2 months)

Hope to hear any opinion...

I operate on the assumption that folks mean what they say and do, eg a guy/girl who says they're not "looking for anything serious" means it, a guy/girl who isn't interested won't return your call, a guy/girl who IS interested will return your call, etc. Life's too short to drive yourself (myself) batty by doing otherwise.

If someone's too shutdown or rude to say/text "hey, I need a [set amount of time] to [sort whatever out]"... that's a deal breaker for me.

There's, ideally, a direct correlation between the extent of the relationship and the amount of "explanation" can expect when it ends. The polite, civilized thing to do is to give the dumpee an explanation of WHY, if they ask. "Ghosting" applies only to when was 1) an established relationship and 2) the other person just *poof* vanishes.

If the dumper declines to give a reason/explanation for the breakup? It sucks but there's nothing the dumpee can do about it. But even if a reason is provided, it might not be that helpful -- maybe it's a platitude, maybe it's a white lie to spare your ego.

(There's also the possibility that a person on the spectrum GOT an explanation, disagreed with it, unilaterally decided the reason wasn't valid and kept pestering the dumper anyways. So dumper eventually walks away -- and dumpee cries "ghosting").

This is something I struggle with as well, not knowing what exactly is going on, because it literally could be anything.

Hi DiningRoom, thanks for your reply. I honestly have never been "ghosted", as in sudden disappearance. Usually, I would notice that the conversation is getting boring (or not much effort is being given for the date) and at that point, I would be polite and say thank you but I don't care anymore if I get a text/call back (and typically that's after the 2nd date only). However, this guy I am referring to is on the spectrum and it is not unusual for him to disappear for days. I don't get bothered though, since I have my own thing going. But, one month is a long time for me to not notice, especially when I already tried to reach out. I have been told to be patient, give it more time and try to reach out again later. However, if I am talking to an NT friend (who does not understand Autism), I would be told that I am only finding excuses for this behavior, give it up.... I think if I were to do it your way, then maybe I should give it up, drive up to his house and get my belongings?

Hi Tim_Tex, I hear you. This guy has disappeared before and we didn't talk for 2 months. When we started talking again, he disappeared for days within the first week - I remained calm and when he talked to me again, he said he was on a business trip and was really tired and recovered from it. If I were my impatient self a year ago, I would have texted him for being an a**, considering his 2-month disappearance.

My ex did it to me and it caused me lot of stress and anxiety and I felt all alone and single and then my mom told me he didn't want me and he had moved on and I am single now. I felt so happy so I moved on and I didn't have to worry about cheating. I decided next time any guy goes silent on me, I will assume we are single and I will move on assuming I am single but I will tell the guy if I don;t hear form him I will assume I'm single and he doesn't want me and I will move on and find guys again. That way he knows if he goes silent on me, I will think he dumped me and not treat me this way, if he does, I will just assume he dumped me and I am single again. That way no more stress and anxiety.


Even if someone truly "can't help it," then they are not compatible for my mental health and it will drive me crazy and put me under lot of stress and depression. Not everyone is compatible.

Let's hope he is home and if it won't be a problem to waste your gas or camp at his residence until she shows up to get your stuff back.

Because of my ex's ghosting, I never got my stuff back and I didn't know where he lived. I couldn't remember how to get to his parents where he was living after he had gotten evicted from his apartment which he was moving out anyway. but luckily it wasn't much I lost. Only three pairs of clothes and my cleaning supplies which is easily replaceable. I just had to buy it again like I was out. But he just managed to pack my stuff in his parents garage burying it instead of leaving it out for me to get and I could have picked it up from his work but because he would get defensive and wouldn't answer it phone, it was impossible for me so I take this ghosting thing seriously and not allow it from any man in the future and I don't care what their excuse is. If they can't bother to update me or involve me in their life, I am gone.

In my case, it wasn't someone I had only dated a few times, this was an established friend. She gradually became more secretive and talked less for no reason, and eventually stopped talking to me altogether. Even though it had been almost 5 years since I heard from her last, it still upsets me very much because of her having nearly all the same interests as me, and the fact that I get easily attached to people like that.

When she and I first started corresponding, she even promised she would never disappear without a reason. She ended up doing the one thing she vowed to never do.

First, I don't think this is typical ghosting (well, it could be but I doubt it is). That's because he has done it before, and was happy with you contacting him. He might very well wait for you to do that again. The information in the post is too sparse to give an idea why he is doing this to you, but a pure guess might be that he needs a lot of time alone, and also that he might actually realize that he is hurting you and then he doesn't dare to initiate contact with you again because he fears you are mad at him.

Hi League_Girl, I experienced the same thing with an ex (the only serious relationship that I had which was so dysfunctional, to say the least). Not only did he disappear on me a lot of times (then returned and apologize), I left some of my stuff with him and he would use it as leverage because he was so indecisive as to whether he would let me go or not. Trying to take them back was a traumatic experience - in the end, they were never returned. After that, whenever I meet/date any guy that has questionable behavior/attitude, I immediately lose interest and don't put much effort - I still try to be polite and entertain them (although making it obvious that I am losing interest), and then they gradually stop calling/texting. But then again, I don't care anymore at that point.

However, this guy although he disappears like my ex, is the first person on the spectrum that I've dated (that I am aware of anyway). I am NT and I am trying to understand. Besides the (sudden) disappearing act, I don't sense anything from him that tells me he is "shady". He seemed to me like a nice guy in fact, and seemed genuinely interested, so I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Dating can be really frustrating

Somebody did that to me back in HS - this girl is pretty and popular but talks behind everyone's backs so nobody liked her. I "adopted" her and we became friends but she managed to work her way back to the popular group and left me.... I felt used. That was a long time ago but it still hurt my ego.

It sucks when people do that. I'm not assuming it's the same for your case though, did you ask her why?

Unfortunately, we cannot control people, we can only control how we react. However, for the guy I was talking about, I don't know whether to give him space or whether to show up at his house unannounced and demand to give back my belongings (assuming he's being a j***).

Thanks for your reply rdos! It is not unusual for him to not talk to me for days but I didn't mind because I am also busy. The only ones that got me worried were the first one (2 mos) and this. I don't want to bore you with details that might be irrelevant (they're in another post), but the first time, I texted him 2/3 times and when I got no response, I stopped. We only hung out twice (within one week) at that point so I let it go. After 2 months, I greeted him with a one-liner "Happy New Year" and we've been seeing each other once a week, talk on the phone once a week since....then he disappeared again when I went for a business trip - we were supposed to video chat my first weekend away but never heard from him. I have reached out already. This time, I was upset and it may have reflected on my initial text (I tried to make it sound calm, but depends on how he interprets it. texts don't have emotions). This is when I started reading about Autism because I found his again-sudden-disappearance baffling since everything was going well (to me anyway, and considering he has mentioned Autism). So I would text him encouraging words like I read in the other threads, I would say, once/twice a week in the weeks that followed but no response. Finally I assumed that he just didn't want to talk anymore so I just asked how I can get my things back (through voicemail so he knows I am not mad) but he still won't respond (even asked him to ship them if he doesn' want to meet up). What's odd is that he reads the texts and checks the app I asked him to download we were supposed to use for communication, once in a while still.

Like I mentioned to League_Girl, he seemed like a nice guy to me (and isn't it unlikely for that to be faked, considering ASD traits?) But what's frustrating is NT friends that I confide with would ask me "How can you be sure that he's not being an a**, ASD or not?" - which I don't know the answer to. Is one month not a long time for someone to be shutdown, considering ASD? I know of NTs who would play games and do this but is it possible for someone on the spectrum to play games and "ghost" too?

I would draw the line of unacceptable when the dumper posts on WrongPlanet in stead of talking to you, and never explains why they are really upset with you in the first place. Apparently finding a blatantly obvious account here is a crime .

If you tell someone you're in a relationship with that it's over, you have dumped them. It could be as cold and simple as a phone call or a text. Hi. It's me. I'm not your bf/gf anymore. Goodbye.

Done.

What you call ghosting is a heinous way of getting rid of someone. It's just...nothing. No breakup date, no phone call, no text, not even a smoke signal. Nothing. We just stop talking or even acknowledging your existence. That's the first step. Next step is unfriending in social media, if applicable. I prefer calling this "fading," like the film term. It's an immediate cut to the next scene, and you're not in it. And if you keep calling, she's liable to call the cops. If you show up at her house/apartment, she either won't answer the door, or she's calling the cops...because you've obviously lost your mind and you're deranged. Who IS this guy, anyway?

I have an ex-gf who gets off on fading me. She saw me on a reality show and added me on G+. I'm usually the last word when we communicate, and then I won't hear from her again for years. It hurt the first time it happened. Now it just makes me laugh. I talk to her when she shows up just to be nice, but I don't go out of my way to initiate contact. I think she does it to see if I'll stalk her or something. I got tired of those games 10 years ago, and I'm not looking back.

If anyone is following me... maybe I shouldn't be so hard on this girl I am always complaining about. I actually had a discussion with her on here after she blocked me, I pretty much flamed an extra account of hers here, and pretended I did not know it was her. All done in the third person. I tried my best to be understanding, and I stopped. We even said hi to each other at a group meeting after that. She was done being the close friend I thought she was at that point though. Someone who I was truly close too would of been able to bridge the gap and talk to me directly. Despite her almost immediately moving on to formally date someone else. I think I could of taken the rejection and still remained her friend. She kept using it as a way to keep on pushing me away though. Of course she had doubts, probably among other feelings, but what can I really do about that? I was just an alternative she saw no reason to pursue, or even talk to.

Somehow I think she still cares actually, and I still reach out to her if I am feeling down. I can not really call it right or wrong to myself. I still miss her as my friend, even if it was a strange, immature friendship. I can still see something to hold onto, even if it is holding me back. I will try and reason if there is anything really left for me in her heart, whether I am just ignoring too much of reality. I think she still has some empathy for me when I am suicidal, and she at least hopes that I can find a way out of my despair. She at least has stopped going to the authorities. I begged her to go to the police, just so we can make it final, and nothing happened. She probably will not provide anything besides silence, and I have confirmation that she has read some PMs I sent her on here.

If I fall back leaving her alone, there is still the hope she will get back to me. Its what she last said to me on Facebook. If I stop badgering her, if I learn to control my boundaries of our friendship, we can be friends again. She did say she didn't feel we could be friends again at one point though. Her reason is one I have great difficulty accepting, and one I think I can deal with, so I wait for her to get back to me, and I get more and more depressed along the way, so I contact her, and we are back to square one.

Derailment complete. So in regards to ghosting, what I went through really is not ghosting. Its something more complicated that drives me.

I think ASD people are just as capable as anyone. It can be hard to tell if someone is being a dick or not if they are ASD or if simply are not into you. My ex was aspie and he seemed nice but he was actually an ass. I just didn't realize it then. He acted controlling, was emotionally abusive, would tell his son everything about me as if it was his kid's business and nothing could ever be private between us, I mean where do we draw the line for being an ass or is it their ASD causing them to act that way? Everyone says he was an ass including other aspies and my husband. He was very judgmental anyway and a bigot and a homophobic and closed minded and willfully ignorant and acted like I was ret*d or slow because he said he felt like he was with a child and when i tried to give him a taste of his own medicine to show how stupid he was being by saying I feel like I am with a teenager instead of an adult, he called it a game. Anything he didn't like he called it a game. Then he just disappears on me and goes silent when he said we would always be friends even if we aren't together anymore. I realize now maybe he was just saying that to be nice like most people do or he really thought we would be friends. Easy to think that before it actually happens. There were so many things wrong about him anyway we were not compatible and he had issues he had to work out first before entering a relationship. My mom thinks he was crazy lol and didn't like the stuff he said about me to her.