How can you get a girlfriend if you have aspergers syndrome?

Post Reply New Topic

It sucks and it hurts me to say this since I know how it feels to be in this situation and not understand how to fix or change it, but having great interactions with people who share interests DOES NOT earn you a girlfriend. It can, however, get you in the friendzone with a lot of females. I used to be one who used to sit around dreaming of the day that I'd be that nice guy to meet that dream girl who shared a lot of interests and understood me and I'd treat her like the sweetest thing in the world and we'd fall in love.

Then I woke up and discovered that
THE WORLD DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.

I've recently discovered how to get around this problem for the most part and have started going on real dates and getting things right, but what sucks is that there are so many people out there giving bad advice that doesn't work (like "just keep trying" or "just be yourself" or "just go out and talk to people" or even worse, "just be nice" etc.) and people fall for it thinking that if they keep doing what hasn't been working all along, it will somehow magically begin to work for them later.

At least you are already waking up and seeing that a lot of this mindless advice being given isn't what works in the real world...

Before I changed, learned how to act normal and figured out how to lead a normal social life, I used to spend a lot of time isolated indoors just posting and seeking attention online. However, part of my quest to change was breaking the habit of posting too much online. The reason I bring this up is because I do have so much more I want to say and I would love to post some tips and advice on how I changed to help others change, but I already feel like I've wasted too much time online posting and I want to break the habit before it returns. I cannot let one day of being home all day on a holiday weekend make me slip back into my old ways so I'm going to get off of here before I get too caught up in it.

One thing I need to learn to do is be able to leave things alone and let people learn / figure things out for themselves the way I had to, but sometimes it's hard when I see other people going through something I fought for years to change/overcome.

If you get anything out of this post, I hope it's the fact that there is hope, but you just have to learn how to become the type of person that can... well, build and maintain social relationships. One thing for sure is that

THIS IS NOT EASY TO DO

And I am still trying to improve myself despite now having a job, having actual dj gigs, having friends, and managing to get a girl who is finally on the verge of becoming my girlfriend. Obviously if I'm posting here, I still haven't discovered all the answers either.

I'll just say be careful. Date aspie girls if you wish, but they will not be easier than dealing with the normals, even if they are more accepting than the normals. Pursuing aspie girls can lead you into a situation where you connect with the girl, think things are going well and begin to think she's interested only to find out in the end that she wasn't really ever attracted to you as more than just a friend (or she was until you began to show too much interest and started being too nice).

I'm sure many of you guys know this situation.

This also tends to happen a lot with bipolar girls and girls with social anxiety as well. A lot of girls like this tend to have those natural personalities that make them come across to a guy as if they are "romantically interested," especially to those guys who aren't really experienced in knowing how to tell if a woman is truly interested and think that a deep connection means she must be interested in him.

I was wondering the same thing.
I have no problem talking to or befriending women (this is not a 'Sheldon' case), and have had a relatively normal social life since starting university five years ago, except that I have yet to come across anyone who have shown `interest` in me beyond the level of friendship.

I don't blame this on my AS (to strangers or acquaintances, I appear more-or-less normal - particularly when with a group of friends), or my appearance (tall, slim, plain looks, no magazine model by any means but don't really feel self-concious about it). But I do wonder if it is actually the case that no one is interested, or that AS leads me to miss cues from people who are?

This doesn't seem like it will change anytime soon, as my social situation now [full time employment in the male-dominated field of Engineering, and friends from uni moving interstate or overseas] means I have less chance to meet new people.

Dudes are the ones who are supposed to initiate romantic interactions. It is very unlikely that a woman will approach you. Women do send off little signals to show that they are interested, but they always expect the man to be the one who risks rejection.

I was wondering the same just now.

I had a girl classmate to whom I was very close too, but then, we became distanced and no girl which I have tried show interest in me.

So, As I've been going through this topic, I've seen an INCREDIBLE AMOUNT of reply posts that puss me off, mainly because it shows how much people are incapable of understanding what it's like to have to deal with aspergers and the problems it causes. The ignorance towards aspergers and the people who are ignorant enough to think it's an "excuse" just because they themselves don't understand or have to deal with certain issues EXTREMELY posses me off, and it's people like that who cause other people to kill themselves or attempt suicide. It's not like those people who say things like that care, because to them, any problem they don't understand or think is a big deal is no big deal, so everyone should magically just get over it or solve it in some simple magical way.

I can't believe anyone would, or could, in their right mind, get in here, see people frustrated, struggling, and desperately looking for answers; ANY answers to solve a problem and reply by accusing them of using the disorder that has been crippling them as an excuse THEN have the oddacity to say if you really wanted it, then you would get it.

I seriously cannot believe I saw that because no matter how much I try to understand it, I cannot see how that could make any sense. If it were that easy then why are so many people putting in the time and effort to create a profile to start or reply to this topic when they could've just magically fixed the problem by wanting something then getting what they want?


THEN,

this person has the nerve to pretty much criticize someone for feeling bad about themselves, basically telling them that the fact that they feel bad will only cause them to have LESS success. Never mind trying to understand what happened in their life to get them to that point where they feel bad or ever try to support and encourage them.

WOW.

But I'm not surprised because it's the people like this who bully and tease or put others down for being different or not living up to their standards of how things should be or how people should act and ruin lives with their hurtful words AND THEN criticize people for feeling bad about themselves.

It also pisses me off to see someone say that if you really wanted it then nothing would stop you. Maybe if people could just be themselves and be accepted instead of majority normal society creating all the rules on how things should be and rejecting, bullying and teasing everyone who doesn't follow those rules, things would be easier for men with aspergers.

Maybe if words like "creepy," "stalkerish," and "awkward" weren't thrown at guys who are already struggling, then yes, maybe it would be much easier for guys with aspergers or any other developmental or social disorder to just get out there and magically get what they want.

Not to mention the fact that the men who are natural at attracting women have no problems getting women, so, of course, they are naturally confident. MEANWHILE, the men who have challenges and try to learn from those who have natural skills are accused of manipulating and all sorts of crap and are criticized for trying to learn.

What kind of sense does this make? So, someone who does something naturally, it's ok, but when someone learns to do the EXACT SAME THINGS, all the sudden it's manipulating?

And yes, I did see the posts about learning PUA tactics and the people criticizing it. What's funny about that is that people criticize it, but those same things they are teaching are the EXACT SAME THINGS that women are attracted to, and since I go by REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE rather than what people wish to convince themselves to believe, I will continue to do what I've personally seen PROVEN TO WORK as oppose to silly crap like "just be yourself" or "be nice" and crap like that. Any intelligent person would realize that if just being yourself really worked in the first place, then you would never be in a situation where you had to be told to just be yourself in the first place!

ALSO

if just being yourself means being the type of guy who isn't good with women, then how the ---- is "just being yourself" going to help?

I swear, people need to THINK more often before they speak or judge others. I get criticized all the time for thinking too much and told I need to change...etc. Well, I truly believe that if more people used their brains more often then more than half of the unnecessary problems in the world, including these dating problems and the bullying, teasing, and criticizing of those who are different, would be solved. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't even have to be sitting here responding to a post like this (and the other ones I'm about to get to...!).

If more people used their brains, then less women would be attracted to jerks more women would stop rejecting the nice guys or guys who are different or have human problems and more men who have self control would stop choosing to be jerks or as*holes and doing other things to cause unnecessary problems.

THINK ABOUT IT.

I could go on, but I think I've made my point clear, despite the fact that this is just a BRIEF SUMMARY of everything I could say here.

If just being yourself really worked for everyone, then everyone would just be themselves because they wouldn't be put in situations where they felt that they had to change. I think that statement alone makes more sense than "if you really wanted something then you would make it happen." I bet if anyone acted on that advice it would suddenly be called rape. And lastly, the fact that you can't even feel bad or have low self esteem itself shows that you can't just be yourself. If just being yourself and making things happen was the solution, then no one would have low self esteem or feel bad in the first place.

"Uses a label to victimize himself."

Another ignorant, blatantly ignorant remark against people (or men) with disorders that they did not choose to be born with.

First of all, the label was created to define the disorder, and most likely, was created and accepted by the people who set the standards on how things should be and criticize / label others for not fitting the rules of society.

I can tell the person I've quoted is one of those who criticizes and puts others down for not being the way SHE believes people should be. I can tell, not only from a lot of experience of seeing myself and others treated in very similar bad ways by people like her, but also due to the fact that she pretty much tells someone who is already frutratwd and suffering that they would never find someone - ALL BECAUSE they are frustrated and suffering.

It's people like her that also cause people to want to commit suicide.

I wonder if anyone even stopped to wonder what get a people to the point where they are frustrated, tired, feeling hopeless and desperately seeking answers to their problems. I also wonder how people could be so stupid and ignorant to tell someone they are using a label to victimize themselves, without even considering the fact that maybe they've tried and tried so many ways to fix their problem(s) in life and got to the point that their hopeless because of a constant lack of success and not knowing what to do to fix it and coming online only to find answers that either have never worked in the past or see silly condescending crap that does not help.

Well, according to me, a REAL woman is someone who can accept a man with flaws, give him a chance, and be there to help him up when he's down the same way he would do so (WITHOUT labeling him as a nice guy or limiting him to just being friends because he is kind hearted or doesn't magically just know everything he is supposed to do, and giving him the freedom to learn how to improve his skills from whatever source he chooses to without accusing him of manipulating, and not rejecting him simply because he wasn't perfect in text or in bed or on the first date, etc.).

Then people wonder why some people have low self esteem.

It doesn't help that having aspergers is a DIRECT ATTACK at social skills and reading social cues. Therefore, yes, we have to learn it and it is NOT a label to victimize ourselves because we never, and would never have chosen to have this problem in the first place.

THINK before posting your heartless comments or talking at people who are already struggling and seeking help, rather than putting them down for feeling bad THEN criticizing them and rejecting them for feeling bad.

Also funny how everyone is told be real and be yourself, but then also provided with a bunch of rules to dictate how they HAVE to be in order to be accepted.

I'm almost at the point where I am done following rules and it's f--k everyone and their rules and I do what I want and who cares what others feel about it.

If you or anyone cannot understand the point being made here, then please continue to read it over and over again until you get it because IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

Another thing that pisses me off BIG TIME is when people accuse those who are simply learning the skills that other people naturally have of manipulating. How the ---- does this make sense? If the person with natural skills and the one who learned the skills are both doing the same things, then how is it suddenly and magically wrong when someone is learning it manually as opposed to doing the same things naturally?

And yes, PUA material CAN bring confidence. The same way learning how to drive better can make you more confident with driving, learning how to intervier better can make you more confident about finding employment, and studying can make you more confident about a test, PUA can make you more confident about approaching women, starting conversations and attracting them.

I can't believe I actually have to spell this crap out!

It all goes back to my first post where I said if more people would think and use their brains more often instead of being simple minded and accusing others who think of thinking too much, then many unnecessary problems would be solved.

Why the ---- do people feel the need to learn PUA anyway? Why do PUA instructors make so much money? Because all men cannot just be themselves. If that weren't true, then the words creepy, awkward, stalkerish, weird, and whatever other labels that are created and thrown at people who are already struggling and just trying to get things right would not exist. If it weren't that you had to be perfect in texting (can't text too much or too little or respond the wrong way) or with words or psychically and magically just know what to do with women and get things right all the time without risking everything that could have been simply because of a little mess up, then people wouldn't have to use or learn PUA tactics.

But, until people use their brains and realize that people are the way they are for a reason and no one is perfect and learn to accept and HELP people for who they are instead of bullying, teasing, rejecting and criticizing those who are different or trying to learn, there will ALWAYS be the need for people to learn and use PUA.

And, in addition to that, I did manage to find a girlfriend with PUA - after a previous 12 to 13 years of having no success with women just being a kind hearted, soft spoken "nice guy" who speaks proper and doesn't use slang and do all the stuff that natural bad boys do that bring them amazing success with women.

Therefore, real life experience has PROVEN that these methods work and since I go by REAL LIFE RESULTS as oppose to hearsay, I will not waste time arguing with anyone who tries to convince me otherwise just because they don't wish to admit or believe that this stuff actually works. If it didn't work, then the business wouldn't be successful, lol. Think about it. Never mind my personal real life results or seeing my friends who are naturally like this have massive success with females.

Yes, I hate the fact that these tactics work and that I have to change myself in order to be more accepted and attractive, but I am not going to sit here and rdicule PUA just because I don't like the fact that it works and that's just the way it is.

And, if I am taking something I'm learning and making it a natural part of my personality then using what I've learned to improve myself and get results I've always desired, then how am I wrong or being fake? If that's the case, I might as well had dropped out of school or any classes where I learned anything to get better at something. I guess I manipulate hring managers because I once took some interviewing courses to improve my job seeking skills. I guess I manipulate the media or audiences because I took acting classes to improve acting skills, etc.

I mean, think about it.

THINK about the bs you accuse people of before you make the accusition.


If I want to research and learn PUA to improve my skills and find new interesting ways to make myself more attractive, then I will. Once I see the results I desire from taking what I've learned and making it a natural part of my personality, my confidence will, indeed, increase, and isn't that what all of you criticizers here wanted in the first place - someone with higher confidence not letting a label hold them back?

Ok, then I should be able to "fix myself" the way I CHOOSE to do so, not YOUR way. After all, I'm already being required to follow enough of your rules to be accepted. At least let me choose the path I wish to take to improve myself enough for you to accept me and get around the label I'm using to hold myself back.


Smh

I sort of wonder something simular...how to get a boyfriend if you have aspergers, and by that I mean a real one...not a guy you hook up with for a while only to find out they don't want anything long term or never really intended anything serious.

Well if what you say is true of normal/average women....why would you want one of them in the first place? Surely there are attractive women who aren't particularly normal/average who may be more accepting of more unique/different sorts of people that don't fit the 'normal' mold.

I would not reject a potential boyfriend for having low self-esteem, hell I know how that is so if anything it might be a point of being able to relate....sure that's not a great thing to celebrate but connecting isn't just about having good things in common, at least to me it wouldn't be. Besides having emotional support actually can help build self esteem, and having a boyfriend or girlfriend ideally should provide emotional support.

Oh, and yes, with all the rules, labels and expectations put on us to be accepted, sometimes there is NO CHOICE but to learn PUA. One valuable thing you can learn alone from PUA is how to not end up being that good guy that women always reject and limit to just being friends, which is one thing that I know happens a lot with aspie men. Another thing is people always say to date aspue women. Problem with that is aspie women also preach the silly just be yourself quote people like to throw around, but they will be THE FIRST to report you and make public complaints if you message them and come across weird while just being your natural self when trying to talk to them online. Luckily, I've never done this because I have already learned how I'm NOT supposed to be, thanks to PUA and DATING GURUS. However, I've seen many other dudes mess up and get reported, deleted, and blocked when they thought just being themselves and expressing themselves their way in a message was what women said they wanted. Happens all the time on Facebook asperger pages, and I also see the aspie women who proudly post about how an aspie guy tried to talk to them and came across as creepy and they blocked and reported him and then watched the other women as they commented and criticized the guy while supporting the aspie woman for blocking him (all because he was just being himself like he was instructed to).

Since I know better, I prefer to study and learn PUA and use what has been PROVEN TO WORK rather than get blocked, rejected and publicly ridiculed, then have to be single forever when it starts to affect my self esteem....

Plenty of NT guys follow their dating instincts and come off as creepy, scary and stalkerish -- because they are. Ditto guys on the spectrum who attempt to PUA-ize themselves into being "normal" or attempting to pass as "normal" dater and then complaining that some women find them creepy, scary and stalkerish -- because they are too.

The place to start for Aspie guys who are, like, 27 yo virgins wove never been on a single date in their entire lives is (1) social skills, (2) losing the massive chip on their shoulder about being dateless virgins, (3) lose the magical thinking* and (4) get realistically about looks -- both their own and those of women they'd consider dating**.

* example of magical thinking: WantToGetALife who is a grownup, not financial stable, has no social skills, has zero self-esteem and blames all of this on the lack of a girlfriend. Also, magically, believes a girlfriend will inspire him to get a better job, not be bitter, gift him self-esteem, etc.

** it's unreasonable to expect anything from a partner that you're unwilling to do yourself. If you're a super-fit and stylish gym goer who is 20, expecting the women you date to be super-fit and stylish gym goers who are 20 is reasonable. If not, it's not. If you're a pudgy, 27 yo your minimum standard for dating should be the same. By all means, make the most of what you've got looks-wise... but if you're WantToGetALife magnanimously stating that he'd be willing to date an early-20s girl with only a sorta pretty face provided she had a supermodel's body? When he's no supermodel body himself? Well, consider how that relates to his status as a 27 yo dateless virgin.

That's probably the worst advice I've ever read on L&D.

When put in the perspective of the rambling about PUA, to actually encourage people to learn about just that (this is what social skills are about), and then to continue to ramble about how you should just "get over" not having a date, and lose your "magical thinking", is not only worthless, but possibly lethal.

Personally, I'd rather be dead than abandoning the idea that any potential partner must first be so magical to me in some way that I get obsessed with her without knowing her.

Last edited by rdos on 26 Apr 2015, 9:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

"decent looking woman"?? That is a sad start. I would suggest "don't judge the book by its cover" Get to know women first and talk with them before deciding "I'm not going to approach that one because she is not decent looking to me."

In my opinion, couples that have common interests that bring them together stay together longer and are happier then the ones that get together based on looks.

I do believe there is a partner for everyone. It's just that sometimes people are not looking in the right place for their sole mate.

I wish you the best

I think this is very good advise.