Suspect Husband Has Asperger's

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So I am new here and this is my first post. I've read many threads with similar subject lines on here, and they have been quite helpful. I'm hoping to get some answers from some of you with experience interacting with adults on the spectrum. I'm another one of those wives who has been told by her therapist that her husband may be on the spectrum. I only started to see this therapist about a month ago and have gone to two appointments. I originally went to see if I could get some help organizing and structuring my life because it seems so out of control and I really can't continue living the way I do. The conversations quickly turned to my husband and how he helps me, and then it has pretty much been about him ever since.

My husband and I have a 4 year old diagnosed with ASD so I'm not exactly new to the signs and symptoms, but I've always framed them from an early childhood standpoint. It never occurred to me to ask what ASD looks like in an adult. I've been with my husband for almost 20 years; we were both in our teens when we began dating, so I have been with him his entire adult life. I don't want to rehash every single sign that makes me believe he is likely on the spectrum (partly because his voice is in my head telling me what a trespass it is to reveal personal information like this to others), but I have a question about two particular traits that seem inconsistent with an ASD diagnosis and would like to get some feedback from people in this community who may have personal experiences that will yield some answers.

1. He's socially anxious but not necessarily socially awkward. He was fairly popular in high school and dated the head cheerleader. He was still always shy and reserved, but in his close friends circles, he seemed open and also very well liked. He's very funny (although maybe not always in a PC way) and understands complex humor too. But he is very socially anxious--avoids large gatherings, never comes with me to work social functions, always took zero's on assignments in high school and college that required oral presentations, etc. He does not participate or even pick up our son from any of his therapies because waiting rooms make him severely uncomfortable as well as interacting with the therapists (so all of this falls on me). In his adult life, he has had very few friends and has no close friends. I'm probably the closest friend he has.

2. Planning/scheduling - he actually avoids schedules. I've considered him to be spontaneous. He will usually just out of the blue say "let's go do this" and it has been a fun way to live many times. But, of course, planning and scheduling (especially when you work full time like myself and have to handle all of your son's 25+ weekly hours of therapy appointments) are absolutely critical for me. But he refuses to commit to anything; he will say, "Ask me tomorrow" or whenever the scheduled event is--and he will basically answer based on what he has going on at the time. It has recently occurred to me that he is this way because when things don't go as planned, he completely freaks out. Completely. Rage, etc. So his solution is not to plan anything. On a daily basis, I know he plans HIS day (he doesn't have a set work schedule for his part-time job and has spent many years unemployed as well). I've seen him with to-do lists. Many times, his daily routine consists of 'special interests' and if I happen to need him to do something to help me out and he can't pull away from his tasks at the time, he will tell me no. But if he is at a breaking point, he may do as I ask (e.g., pick up our son from school or watch him while I go to the grocery store). It's all on his terms, though, and I can't plan anything in advance counting on his help. Of course, if I ever deviate from a plan ('be back from my errand in two hours' and it instead takes me 2.5 hours to return), he flips out. Rage, etc.--the usual.

So it seems some signs are not so black and white. I could see him filling out a questionnaire and answering that he is spontaneous and not a planner--yet planning and scheduling really affect him in an atypical way, in my opinion. And socially, can someone with ASD still be someone who had many girlfriends and was popular among the 'cool' kids at school? (So sorry if that last question offends anyone...I realize I am invoking my own stereotypes here but it is really coming from a place of trying to understand.)

I realize it is a spectrum and my son has taught me this for sure. So many people rave about my son's 'great eye contact' and the fact that he is very social and has friends at his preschool. My son also has an active imagination and pretend plays all the time now. Many of these developments are only in the last year, when he began 20 hours of weekly in-home ABA therapy. Just one year ago, my son (almost 4 at the time) didn't even say "mommy"...so he has made amazing progress. And I have learned from my son that not all stereotypes or even actual diagnostic signs apply.

I'd appreciate any insights any of you have to offer on these two points. Thank you.

Only appropriately-trained and licensed mental-health professionals can make an official diagnosis of an ASD. We're just a buncha rank amateurs here, so our opinions won't mean much. Online tests can not provide an objective ASD diagnosis, either.

Your husband dated the head cheerleader in high school? I want to know how he pulled that off, while i understand you mentioned he was popular and all that.

He is chronically unemployed or underemployed, he can't/won't help you with ordinary childcare duties, he refuses to take his own son to appointments, he won't commit to anything whatsoever.

I mean wow, you are one incredibly patient wife for putting up with all this. It sounds like his role in the family is as your other child.

I don't think those two things exclude him from being ASD.

I was popular in high school. And I haven't really made any friends since...

But, that, too was one thing that made me question my diagnosis when I received it. I've thought a lot about it, and I've come to decide that popularity in high school an really depend on a lot of factors and really don't have to *mean* you are that good at social skills.

I think being at the right place at the right time, making certain friends when you were younger, having certain skills, physical appearance, how much money your parents have, your parents, and what extracurricular a you are involved in all seem to matter more than your social skills...

I broke my down and looked at, really looked at it. And I feel like my "popularity" came from many of those things mentioned above, but also from a yearly party I had. Every year, on the last day of school, I had a party at my parents' house. Invite was by word of mouth...so people I didn't even really know well would come...friends of friends, etc. And my parents had a pool, pool table, game systems, ping pong, food to feed anyone and everyone, and a completely open home. They let kids stay there when they got kicked out (and several did). These parties started in middle school. By high school, kids would be over at my house every single day, uninvited. Heck, *I* wasn't even always there. If I had something after school, I would come home to a house full of kids.

You know how I handled it?
-locked myself in my room a lot when I got overstimulated...
-refused to participate with anyone on Sayurdays at all (several kids, boys and girls would spend the night every Friday and Saturday night...by Saturday night, I was *done*)
-never invited anyone over, ever (my husband and I still fight about this...he never seemed to understand I didn't invite ANYONE over...but he always felt slighted...)
-never called anyone back when they called for me (my mother would always say, "if you don't call them back, eventually they will stop calling". She was right...took a couple of years, but I don't really have friends anymore)

...so it's completely possible to be popular without having solid social skills. I think looking at social life *after* high school is more telling. High school is a very artificial social structure and some people do just get "lucky". (Or, in my case, just like my parents and their house... But with the total appearance of being "popular").

sounds like my husband. I think he is both narcissistic and on the spectrum possibly more than Asperger's going on.