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Artemis_Owl
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27 May 2015, 11:28 am

I'm an NT in a relationship with an undiagnosed but suspected Aspie.
Lately I have suspected that he is feeling depressed and he has been snapping at me more. A few days ago we were playing guitars together. He was singing and I was singing backup/harmony. He messed up and stopped so I stopped so we could start again together. He started getting mad at me and snapped at me to just keep going. I was lost already since it was a song he knew better than I did, and I didn't know what to do, especially with him suddenly angry at me. I asked him why he was so irritable and he snapped back that he wouldn't be so irritable if I'd just kept playing.

Things like this have been happening lately. He snapped at me to not worry about something when I asked him what he was doing a few days ago, and later told me it's because I get sidetracked on what he's doing and all he wants is to focus on the topic we are discussing.
When he gets upset he usuallyshuts down or has a meltdown that includes him walking out on me.
He says that he needs to do this when he is upset and I accept that. But how the hell do I handle it when he is snapping at me over something that seems so inconsequential to me?

Any advice is welcomed. Thanks in advance.



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27 May 2015, 11:58 am

I feel like walking our should be accepted and seen as a sign that he needs space. ...then give him some space.

However, I think the snapping is rude and you shouldn't have to put up with it. In a nonconfrontational way, I might ask if he can find another way to deal with that because it hurts my feelings...a lot. Help him brainstorm for alternative actions. Then, be very patient with him while changes (think of changing any habit...it takes time). But, I'd also let him know that while I was willing to be patient while he found a better way to handle it...I would still expect him to apologize to me when he fails.


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So you know who just said that:
I am female, I am married
I have two children (one AS and one NT)
I have been diagnosed with Aspergers and MERLD
I have significant chronic medical conditions as well


Aristophanes
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27 May 2015, 12:06 pm

If this is happening a lot and recently there may be an underlying stress that he's not telling you about. Having meltdowns and shutdowns is one thing, but if they occur frequently there's generally a reason beyond the superficial causes you're describing.



Artemis_Owl
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27 May 2015, 1:21 pm

screen_name wrote:
I feel like walking our should be accepted and seen as a sign that he needs space. ...then give him some space.

However, I think the snapping is rude and you shouldn't have to put up with it. In a nonconfrontational way, I might ask if he can find another way to deal with that because it hurts my feelings...a lot. Help him brainstorm for alternative actions. Then, be very patient with him while changes (think of changing any habit...it takes time). But, I'd also let him know that while I was willing to be patient while he found a better way to handle it...I would still expect him to apologize to me when he fails.

I agree that I should accept him needing space and needing to be left alone. I have been pretty patient with that and have accepted it. The snapping at me thing bothers me a lot, though.
I have the capacity for a lot of patience with him, so I will definitely apply your advice, thanks!

I find it bewildering when he gets mad over things that seem so small to me. It's probably how he feels when I'm upset about something, though he always seems to get it when I tell him later.



Artemis_Owl
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27 May 2015, 1:35 pm

Aristophanes wrote:
If this is happening a lot and recently there may be an underlying stress that he's not telling you about. Having meltdowns and shutdowns is one thing, but if they occur frequently there's generally a reason beyond the superficial causes you're describing.

I have been suspecting that he is feeling depressed lately. I think part of the problem is he hasn't gotten enough alone time lately, so I'm giving him some space. He is not very good at thinking through his own emotions, so I have been trying to help him walk through them, but of course there's only so much I can do of that.
I welcome any more suggestions and I compliment you on your Pink Floyd avatar.

Regarding stress: he is being faced with moving for the first time in his life, plus I recently had a bad injury that made him have to nurse me back to health, while he was working 60+ hours a week. I get why he's stressed.
He has to work crazy hours, then go out of town and be away. It alternates and he ends up not having much free time, and pretty much no alone time. It would drive me nuts, too.
I bought him some fidget toys for my place so he can do something with his hands while he's over because he gets bored and frustrated so easily, but I don't know what else to do.