Chemistry?

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This question is for Aspies only: have you ever experienced "natural chemistry?" So often I hear from exes or dates or friends this thing about "natural chemistry." It has always sort of baffled me and so I looked it up. By definition it is apparently an instant rapport with someone, feeling comfortable with someone instantly as if you had known them for years. And then romantic chemistry is that plus the addition of sexual attraction.

I have to say not only have I ever experienced that in a first date but even upon meeting a friend for the first time. I rely on sort of being "on", using the scripts as others have talked about, lest I be silent and need to learn the norms for communicating with this person. And then for romantic, I might think they're attractive but I won't feel attracted TO them until I get to know them better. I don't really "feel" anything when I meet a person, it's all I can do just to keep any sort of a conversation going so there is no time to feel (I can't multitask like that?)

So, this is fascinating. Have you ever felt this "chemistry" with someone, date, friend or otherwise the FIRST time you met them?

Yes, definitely. It's not common though.

Technically not the *first* time we met, as we briefly exchanged pleasantries in a formal setting a few weeks prior, but the first day I worked with a new colleague, I felt a rapport. She was a very shy, reserved person and didn't like to hang out with the other staff members, but we immediately hit it off and became friends. This was because we were so similar in our social awkwardness.

Another time I thought I had instant chemistry from a distance but was mistaken. I was in a new town, about to start a new job soon (working holiday), and went to a bar with a friend. I noticed this guy and he just seemed really cute and interesting somehow. We smiled at each other a few times...at least I thought we did. I started my new job a few days later and he was one of my colleagues! He kept smiling at me - a LOT - and I thought okay we are continuing on from the other day but I later found out he didn't even remember me! Nevertheless we got on like a house on fire and dated for a bit before I left again.

I've had a few dates with people I'd met online where there was chemistry on that first date. It's almost a requirement for me to go on a second date, but not quite. Sometimes I can see potential for it to develop more slowly. But I think a main difference between the way you and I date is that my genuine interest in getting to know them and see if we are compatible sort of kills my anxiety and I can just relax and ask whatever I feel like in the moment. So it's not multitasking as much as it generally is with acquaintances and such.

I've only felt that once in my lifetime. I think it has less to do with Autism/NT and more to do with the type of person someone is, as people who don't share common views, perceptions, or experiences have less to build rapport over.

Yes I would agree with this. I've found more than one bosom friend/kindred spirit, but most of the time I don't feel any connection with anyone. I often feel like I'm going through the motions of pleasantries and small talk.

When I do feel a connection with someone, I get stressed out because it's a rare thing and I don't want to lose it. What if they don't feel the same? How will I ever find someone I feel this comfortable with again? Then I panic and make it uncomfortable and ruin things myself before they even reject me.

Yeah, not for me. Even when I was very VERY similar to someone, I found it out later. I think the first person is right--I've already asked all of the are we compatible questions befor I've met them, now at first date I just have to stay afloat. It may have to do with the slow processing speed. That and I'm terrified to be weird/slow to understand because I can't stand the thought of them looking at me like I'm weird. Sometimes I swear ignorance would be bliss. Probably comes more from a lifetime of the wtf is wrong with you? Stares and the lack of them when I stick to the script.

I guess also like-- I don't really genuinely want to get to know them yet--I don't care about them yet. I have to care about someone in order to actually want to get to know them. Sometimes after I care I'll go back and ask questions--ok now you said you do this for a living? What is it again? It's as though they become a different person to me. Before its just talk (5 sisters, ok, won't remember) unless it's a topic that interests me but now once it's going to affect me now I want to know (wait ok how many sisters? I may have to meet these sisters. Or, huh, you handled me well, I wonder why, what is your family like again?) it's as though they have to have meaning attached--until then it's just a date that doesn't really matter.

I'm the same as you. Mistermist. I don't develop an attraction or "chemistry" for someone right off the bat. But then again I don't know, it could just be a rare thing to meet someone like that and perhaps my time hasn't come yet. But I honestly don't think of people in "that way" until after having gotten to know them better and making sure they're good people and not fake/superficial. I need the interaction between us to be meaningful otherwise nothing will stir inside my heart.

It simply means sexual attraction; but people like to use more polite and more 'mysterious' and romantic terms.

ie. Her: "There was no chemistry" .

Translation: "I didn't find him hot enough, wouldn't get aroused by him".

And yes, sexual attraction may grow slowly or fast.

This is a good description of the paradox for why I can't 'have chemistry' with another.
If I did feel serene contentment with another, the rare novelty of it would make it priceless to me,
and the fear of loosing that feeling (as I have lost so many friends to my awkwardness)
would stress me out, and that would make me less content.

So I never feel serene contentment in the presence of others.

I have however, felt elated exuberance in the presence of others on rare occasion.
It is similar to the dopamine/adrenaline rush from climbing a dangerous cliff.

I feel lucky if I get such a feeling once a year. Sometimes I worry that that may be
the closest I will ever get to experiencing what others call 'love'.

(Critics, that's not me "feeling sorry for [myself]",
because I'm NOT sorry for myself.)

I couldn't agree more. I don't even believe in "chemistry". It's just a socially acceptable way to reject an ugly man without making yourself look mean/shallow/whatever.

Correction: I actually do believe in chemistry: the C2H5OH kind. (That's the formula for ethanol, the alcohol you drink.)

I felt that with my 1st girlfriend when we met on a forum. We were friends for awhile before she told me she liked me.

Yes, I have.

I think I remember it with my best friend since high school - if not immediately, it certainly developed very quickly.

Definitely with his first born daughter & the same for her with me - as an infant, she'd push her own mom and grandmothers away to be held in my arms.

Definitely with my closest friend of the last few years or so.

I've yet to experience the whole package mutual romantic chemistry thing.. but all in due time, I suppose.

IOk yellow tamarin--I took your advice. I had a date yesterday and I tried to actually LISTEN to what he was saying and not think about ME or if I was acting weird.

Nope, nope, nope, I've literally just text my friend that I've given up on a guy because there was no chemistry/connection. We did spend some time around each other today and we had absolutely nothing to talk about. He's still good looking, I'm still attracted to him, but there's just nothing else there. We've got no communication chemistry. We've known each other a couple of years and we've just got nothing to talk about. No matter how attracted to him I am there's just that point where you have to give up because you can't force a connection.

How did that go?

Chemistry for me isn't instantaneous. Even if I were to think that may be the case, logic tells me that's just thinking a present is going to be good, because the wrapping is beautifully done to my taste. Until you open it up (get to know someone) you don't know whether or not the chemistry will be there. Therefore I never judge a book by its cover. Some of the best stories of love or friendship have been with covers that are seemingly plain and dull.