Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Tired of being called uncaring--of people being tired of me

Page 2 of 2 [ 23 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Previous topic | Next topic

Chronos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Apr 2010
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,698

17 May 2015, 7:12 am

Mistermist wrote:
Hi. I've been reading around here forever and a lot of posts have really helped, but have never posted until now. Decided I need some support. So today, I hit a new low. A person who I was talking to for months/never really dated but both wanted to until my usual problems came into view but who I really care about told me I am "uncaring." God, that stings. I'm sick of reading articles and "trying to educate!" As all of the professionals tell us to do--I've tried this with several exes and nobody wanted to listen or BELIEVE (because I SEEM very functional) or God forbid, read articles. When they get upset with things I say I say I'm sorry and I explain that I didn't know I said something mean, would they please tell me what they would like me to say or do to show caring? Well this one, like everyone before--said "I'm tired of hearing that you didn't know." What am I supposed to do? Clearly, educating doesn't work. Also tired of reading the articles that say well, need to find a partner who will work with you--I can't even make it that far because usually before I have a chance to come out, I've already said something "mean" and they're upset with me and usually--just drop off the face of the earth without an explanation. I am so tired of giving everything in my heart to someone else and having it stomped on when they decide (before the first date? After the fifth? After sex? After I love them? After relationship of a few months?) at any point that they just can't handle me. Oh and the "I'm tired of hearing you didn't know"--so basically I'm supposed to read minds. That falls right in line with the "it should be natural, I shouldn't have to explain everything and I want someone with whom interactions are just natural!" Speech. It's this disbelief. It's very discouraging because it feels like I could never ever be naturally caring and naturally not awkward-I'm tired of adding to the Friend and Boyfriend Graveyards. I'm tired of getting my heart broken. Help.


If I were to enter into a romantic relationship with someone, I would tell them that I have Asperger's Syndrome, and what it entails, from the beginning, and explicitly explain that I might seem more distant, or less intuitive or warm than most women, but that I am actually a quite caring and well meaning individual, and I need clear communication in a relationship.

That being said, I've come to accept that my best efforts to live up to some female ideal of warm and emotionally intuitive fall short, and it is not worth it for me to continue to expend the energy to try to do so, because the responses of people to me, and their perceptions of me, does not seem to differ substantially from situations where I don't put such an extreme amount of effort into it.



Mistermist
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 10 May 2015
Posts: 34
Location: Joplin mo

08 Jul 2015, 5:04 am

BirdInFlight wrote:
I'm glad you got some feeling of help from my post; I've really needed to feel like someone "gets it" for me too many times.

I was a little irritated about that guy of yours when I posted, because it did so very much remind me of people in my own life who have done this to me -- expected "normal person" stuff all the way through the deal, so to speak, and then been rejecting and harsh to me when it turns out that I can't always be that normal-person deal. I often feel that if I were more severely affected by my neurology, to the point where it's very clear there are differences between me and most of the world, it would attract in the first place a person who has a very clear understanding that it's not all going to be "normal" if they are friends (or more) with me.

I hope you can find people with more understanding in the future (I hope that for me too!)



Yes!! ! I have said before "Sometimes I wish my face was f$&cjed up or something! (So they would know--don't expect normal!!)" Haha thought you might enjoy!



Vomelche
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Nov 2011
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 789
Location: Ontario

08 Jul 2015, 8:45 am

I'd have to agree with aspiemike, you are dating people that are less mature than you. Maturity is uncommon.



IceKitty
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jul 2015
Age: 62
Posts: 37
Location: USA

08 Jul 2015, 8:33 pm

I really, really, really hate this. I am also "high functioning", have education, a good job, etc. My soon to be ex husband (NT) always says I am "cold" and have always "denied him intimacy". I don't think that's true, but maybe I just don't see it. I do care, a lot, but people like him treat me badly because they think I don't. I hate it that I'm expected to be "touchy feely" and emotionally expressive because I'm female. Now that I'm going to be single again I am terrified of dating for fear I will get this kind of crap again. I didn't know I had AS when I got married (wasn't diagnosed until 2010), and if and when I start dating again I intend to tell prospective partners that I have AS and I might not be as "intuitive" (to me that intuitive stuff is mind-reading, no can do) as other people but I do care.

Kate



Vomelche
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Nov 2011
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 789
Location: Ontario

09 Jul 2015, 10:00 am

IceKitty wrote:
I really, really, really hate this. I am also "high functioning", have education, a good job, etc. My soon to be ex husband (NT) always says I am "cold" and have always "denied him intimacy". I don't think that's true, but maybe I just don't see it. I do care, a lot, but people like him treat me badly because they think I don't. I hate it that I'm expected to be "touchy feely" and emotionally expressive because I'm female. Now that I'm going to be single again I am terrified of dating for fear I will get this kind of crap again. I didn't know I had AS when I got married (wasn't diagnosed until 2010), and if and when I start dating again I intend to tell prospective partners that I have AS and I might not be as "intuitive" (to me that intuitive stuff is mind-reading, no can do) as other people but I do care.

Kate


I don't think its necessarily an AS thing. Some people are simply more touchy, feely, clingy and needy. Then there are egocentric people that had a previous partner or relative who is like this an they suddenly expect everybody else to do the same. One thing with AS though is that because we are different we start to think that it is actually a problem on our end.



cinnabot
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jul 2015
Age: 48
Posts: 79
Location: Arizona, USA

09 Jul 2015, 4:06 pm

I believe there is an underlying trend, that women tend to associate emotional support(listening, empathizing, encouragement) with feeling cared for, while men tend to associate physical contact(touching, sex, cuddling) with feeling cared for.

Males simply can't relate to the kind of emotional turmoil that's going on, because their emotional world is much simpler. Not necessarily less intense, just... simpler. So they don't often understand how important it is to just listen, unless they've had enough experience to simply learn it by studying the results of doing so.

And Women, for the most part, can't relate to the male need for physical contact, because, while they certainly enjoy it, it doesn't tear away at the very fiber of their beings when they don't get it, as it does for most men.

We view each other as if we were the same, but we work very different, emotionally.

My approach has always been, to give a prospective partner the care in the form they need, up front, try to make clear my needs, and see if they reciprocate.

If you don't touch someone that needs touched, you aren't meeting their needs. If you don't listen to and comfort someone that needs emotional support, you aren't meeting their needs.

Even if touch isn't your thing, or listening to feelings isn't your thing, making your partner happy should be.

As for the Autistic aspects, I think we're just kind of in a bind when it comes to NTs. I think they function as well as they do socially, because they are unable to think about it. It's all instinct. They can't change their minds about how it works, because it's burned into their firmware, as it were.



happyhippo27
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jul 2015
Posts: 2

10 Jul 2015, 9:20 am

Mistermist wrote:
"I'm tired of hearing you didn't know"--so basically I'm supposed to read minds. That falls right in line with the "it should be natural, I shouldn't have to explain everything and I want someone with whom interactions are just natural!" Speech.


I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling. Have all of your partners known that you have Asperger's?

From an outsider's perspective, I can empathise with the frustration of being with a partner that just does not seem to understand things in the same way as others, that have to have what us, 'neurotypicals' understand naturally explained to them. At the same time, I have been experiencing these issues with a partner who is undiagnosed, so for a long time I had no real reasoning other than someone who did come across as simply, 'uncaring' and lacking in empathy.

If your partners have had your condition explained to them and are still this impatient, non-sympathetic and immature, then this is not on you, at all. Don't beat yourself up because quite frankly, a partner who does not care enough to try and understand, when there is solid reasoning for why a person struggles with something, isn't a partner worth being with.