Do you find love when you stop looking? Why?

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I think that's what I was saying. Screw the game. Be direct and honest. For the right girls, it will be SUPER refreshing.

Still you haven't really been doing it for much and you have a girlfriend now. You don't really need to worry, it is quite normal to be turned down a few times and find a girlfriend at 17/18, it's not late at all. You are nothing like these people on the forum.

There is this sort of illusion of the dating landscape that it is somehow controlled by some cryptic, bizarre game. That you have to know all the secrets, be in the club, give the grip, etc. It just doesn't work that way in reality. But for someone with a social deficit it can certainly look that way.

I dislike the pressure of finding romance early, along with the distraction. There are better things in life at a young age. I'd say begin dating expecting rejection as the norm. The only game involved is a numbers game. The more moos you keep in the friend zone, the more you hang out and get to know them. The more you get to know them, the more you find a mutual attraction. The more you find a mutual attraction, the more you'll get into a LTR.

maybe you suck at 'the game'. Maybe pursuing girls into 'the game' exclusively means you ignored all the 'not into the game' with whom you'd've had better luck with.

Maybe the combination of sucking at 'the game' + ineptly pursuing too many girls last year resulted in said girls deeming you a tries-too-hard-slimeball with a reputation that precedes you, i.e. Freshman girls who might have been into you get told that you are the school slimeball and to be avoided at all costs by upperclassmen.

Maby you get off on putting people down on autism forums, because you like that? Maby you are a sociopath or just ignorant of the socializing problems men with autism have? Maby you should just stay the f**k away from these forums? Maby you should seek professional help?

Yeah…in our past conversations this is really what I meant. This idea of finding love when you stop looking--that's all it really is. If I advise someone to find love by NOT looking for it, what I'm really saying is begin with the end in mind. Of COURSE you're looking for love. We all are. But LTR success is the end. It's the goal. But you don't reach that goal by:

Step 1: Ask her out on a date.
Step 2: Live happily ever after.

It's more like:

Step 1: ask her out on a date Step 2: get rejected. Step 3: repeat previous steps 86 times
Step 4: Get accepted Step 5: Go out on a date Step 6: Ask her out again. Step 7: Get rejected, go back to Step 1
Step 8: Get second date Step 9: Ask for 3rd date. Step 10: Get rejected, go back to Step 1. Step 11: Get 3rd date
…Step [whatever]: Ask for exclusive relationship. She accepts. Date for 3 months. Break up. Go back to Step 1.
…Step [into the 1000's by now] Date for 3 months. Ask her to marry you. She accepts. Get married. Make babies.

I'm a big proponent of "pursuing" large numbers, mostly as casual acquaintances/friends, because it helps you expand your comfort zone and build confidence enough to ask for and get actual "date-dates." "The Game" (traditional dating) jumps to the exclusive stage as quickly as possible, and this just isn't necessary. Never, EVER take "just friends" for granted. My wife and I started out as "just friends." She was supposed to be a bridesmaid until I broke up with my fiancée. She was also dating one of my former fraternity brothers who'd recently gotten kicked out of college. We're about as unlikely a couple as you've ever met, we got thrown together having been in and out of VERY bad relationships. We ended up best friends, and after so long NOT being together was just stupid.

I'm not going to pretend that "the Game" doesn't work. Sure, you cut a lot of corners and straighten a lot of the twists and curves that I'd normally advise people to take more time with. A lot of enduring relationships form out of that. But some people, myself included, don't understand all these weird games, or the games just feel unnatural, ergo we suck at it. Even if I understood how all this works, I'm just not up for the emotional rollercoasters and competition among other pressures (expensive dates, wild entertainment, on and on and…) to impress and keep someone. I'm not up for the distraction from living up to my potential and doing what I feel meant to do in life. If dating fits in with your life/lifestyle, by all means go for it. If you're not good at living a life of balance, you need to reevaluate what matters most to you: Finishing school/building a career, or finding a mate? There's nothing wrong with either, nothing wrong with doing BOTH. If finding a mate is more important than school or your job, OK. It's none of my business. If you feel secure enough with school or a job that you can set aside your work/study duties after-hours to ask someone out and build a romantic relationship, then GREAT! If school/job are more important, GREAT! But what matters is that you're honest with yourself. CAN you balance a number of things in life, do some things deserve to be given higher priority in getting what you want/reaching your goals, or do you need to tip the balance and only focus on a smaller number of things, of which romance may/may not be included?

It's a LOT to think about, and there's nothing wrong AT ALL with making sacrifices. It's easier to sacrifice romance when you're young and focus on your ability to provide for yourself and a potential mate. Once you get education/career foundations out of the way, it's easier to get into the dating scene without being stressed out in one or more areas of your life.



In the past I might have been looking for love but didn't obey the game's rules but certainly bent them.[/quote]
I just happen to think the game is stupid. But that's my unqualified opinion! lol Sure, I've been there. I think I've ALWAYS focused on getting to exclusive relationships as quickly as possible, and one of my biggest faults was rushing to each different stage of a relationship. Good grief…I dated my ex for some 5 years and almost married her. What happened was someone else showed interest in me. And that was enough to get me to thinking that the possibility of being alone for the rest of my life was really not so bad. Oh…and before I say anything else--I'm also not pretending that my younger self was the more rational self! I was an idiot.

I'm still not all that smart at 37 years, granted, but I AM a lot more honest with myself. And that's when I look back at when I DID play the whole dating "game," I realize all too well my priorities totally sucked. What makes THIS girl or THAT girl my soulmate? What makes me think SHE is "the one"? If I get rejected, then what? If she breaks up with me, what about all those promises we made to each other that it would be forever? My problem was just taking it WAAAAY too seriously, moving everything forward as quickly as I could to an exclusive relationship, trying to isolate gf's and keep them away from other guys, freaking out and generally being a whiny-baby about the whole thing. I did OK after I broke up with my fiancée. But then I got in a serious relationship with this girl who ended up doing a pretty serious number on me. I was in the middle of my student-teaching semester. I woke up one day…and it's really hard to describe what it was like… It's like if you've been drinking all night, got sick, and then kept right on drinking. And when you finally come out of your alcohol-induced coma, you see yourself in the bathroom mirror and you don't even recognize your own face. Trouble was I was perfectly sober. It was BAD…I was, like, what happened to me???

What I did next was I buried myself in the usual school-of-education paperwork, spent every waking hour writing lesson plans, taught some kids to play band instruments, coached the marching band drum major on her routine, and worked almost non-stop after that to get materials ready to send to a graduate program I wanted to get into. I just stopped calling that girl. Life got AWESOME after that.

I don't really like to talk about grad school when it comes to that area of my life--just some things I'm not proud of. I became very attracted to this girl not realizing at first she had a disability (not that it made a difference, anyway). By that point I'd learned hard lessons and resolved I would never again be THAT guy. I'd have handled the cute freshman breaking up with me with a lot more grace than prior experiences. But as it was, she was very inexperienced, not really ready for ME, and not really interested in breaking up or interested in other guys. And she understood I was VERY focused on my studies. So that relationship actually worked very well. I think part of it was I didn't expect much from her and she didn't put any pressure on me. School work always had to come FIRST. And knowing the ropes myself I was able to help her. It worked out. Our lives were just going two completely separate directions, so we broke up. It was very sad. But life goes on and, we hope, things work out for the best. I'm happily married with three children, so two things: 1. I can't complain, and 2. I'm doing better than I deserve.

So those are my thoughts on "the Game," i.e. conventional dating, and my experience in that area. I'd do a lot different if I could go back knowing what I know now. But I can't. All I can do is offer others my experience in the hopes that others don't make my mistakes. People will keep making a "game" out of it, and they'll do well. Others will realize that they get less heartache and get what they want the LESS they look for it. And the sun will continue to rise and set. Hope this helps!

I'd add that if you break up, STAY BROKEN UP. If you're meant to be, you'll weather the rough patch without actually breaking up. Had I actually had the discipline to abide by this rule when I was younger, I'd've saved myself a year of on-off stress x 2 (college boyfriend, grad school boyfriend).

Not sure I entirely believe that, like an absolute truth...but maybe it has some truth in it. I mean if someone is really fixated on getting a relationship and losing sleep over it then its very possible they'll be more likely to just jump at the first opportunity...then things may go too quickly and interest will be lost. Whereas if someone is just going about their life not really searching for a relationship they may be more relaxed about it when an opportunity does present itself.

I recently went on a date with a guy, and it went pretty well I think....but I've also not really been worrying about finding a boyfriend. The last time I tried dating a guy I was a little more desperate feeling about getting a relationship so I was more willing to jump into intimacy too quick....and even my brother told me that it likely wouldn't work out if I jump in too quick and get very intimate or have sex on the first date. Well he was right.

With the current one though we met up and had a couple brews at a heavy metal themed brewery kinda place hung out, and then we both went home after saying good byes looking forward to seeing each other again....cannot say that is usually how it goes with the past few attempts of dating I've made.

For some of us, "the first opportunity" is essentially guaranteed to be the only opportunity in our whole lives. Of course I wouldn't hesitate to jump at the first opportunity. The problem is I don't think I'll have one.



Only if "just going about your life" involves frequently meeting new people, including potential partners. It doesn't in my case, so, unless I make some effort to change my situation for the specific purpose of meeting potential partners, no opportunity will present itself to me.



This just confirms your situation, and probably that of most women, is by no means comparable to that of the likes of me. Of course you don't need to worry. For me, going on a date, even if it were just once, would be a nigh on impossible feat, harder than anything else in life, and, needless to say, you can pretty safely bet it'll never happen. I can't afford not to worry---not worrying, I'll just stay isolated and resign for good any minute chance I might otherwise have.

Don't dismiss your experience so easily. You're still young and already have much more experience than many people here, much older than you, do. It takes more than just aging to get experience---you actually have to live the years, not simply let them slip by. I wish I could have half your experience at twice your age. Don't let anyone discourage you from gaining as much as you can.

There are no such guarantees in life except everybody dies, autistic people in general have a lessor chance of running into said opportunities...since there are less of us and unfortunately our society tends to stigmatization people who don't particularly fit in regardless of why. But also that is just my experience....and I am usually the one broken up with, whilst I still want to make it work but obviously can't do that if they break it off.

Also I just go about my life and I don't really meet a ton of people on a regular basis, I have to put some effort into finding any potential relationship as well, and by opportunities presenting themselves I didn't mean you don't have to put any effort into finding them so I guess that's kind of bad wording on my part. But is putting effort into making changes to your situation for the purpose of dating such a bad thing...is there effort you could be putting into that but aren't. I mean usually if one really wants something it does require efforts and making some changes.

But yeah if I go to the bar I can get hit on by drunks twice my age which isn't very appealing...or then there is Okcupid which is really hit and miss so far every guy I've dated from there has broken up with me or it doesn't even get that far. Aside from that I don't really have guys approaching me IRL and most friends/acquaintances I have are only because I spend time with my brother who has friends some of which like me enough to be friends as well.

I mean I cannot fix your situation unfortunately....so not sure what good raging at me for attempting to date and potentially form a relationship is supposed to do. I mean I did not post this to compare myself to anyone...just based on my experience when I am stressing over finding a relationship it usually does not end up going too well if I do find an opportunity and entirely jump in too quick. Why stay isolated just because another person here has been on dates later leading to being broken up with multiple times? I certainly did not suggest you should do that.

No I don't believe this is a good idea, if you stop paying attention then you'll probably never find it

Some things are guaranteed in the same sense that you're essentially guaranteed not to win the lottery twice. Winning once is unlikely enough. Merely getting a date isn't comparable to winning the lottery for you, but it is for me. I can't afford to approach it the same way you do. Actually, when I feel a bit more desperate than usual, I think I'd happily give up my life if I could, in exchange for it, go on a date just once. Even knowing in advance I won't have sex. Even if my date would just cruelly make fun of me and then start making out in front of me with some worked-out, tough guy who could beat me to a pulp, and forget me. Noöne wants me even for that. Of course, this is useless, because I can't offer anyone anything simply by dying.



When people "just go about their lives", they go about very different lives. Some have opportunities; some don't. There's a huge difference between "not really meeting a ton of people" and not meeting any at all, ever, for years and years. At least, not any people you go out with or who otherwise help you meet other people so you can expand your circle.



According to the premise of this thread, it is a bad thing, because that effort would be a way of looking for love. What people here say is you shouldn't look for it, so, in my case, it means I should just happily stay isolated, waiting for a miracle, the same miracle I've been waiting for since I was a teenager, which obviously will never happen.



I'm not raging at you. Disagreeing with ideas isn't attacking the people who hold them.



And my "experience" is I've never gotten a single opportunity, so, if, after so many years, one were to show up tomorrow, I wouldn't forgive myself for the rest of my life if I didn't immediately jump in it before it's gone. It'd be more than foolish to expect such a rare and unlikely event to repeat itself. As you see, what is cautious behavior for you, for me is simply a luxury I couldn't afford in a million years.



My whole point is that "not looking for love" is absolutely horrible advice for someone isolated, who doesn't get dates or relationships---not just good ones, but any at all. Of course, this is the typical and expected situation of socially awkward males.

For all I know, it may be good advice for females.

It is quite possible to win the lottery more than once, of course you may not win a large amount more than once or even once....but usually if one scratches enough tickets they're going to get a few winners.

And I suppose I cannot see how one could literally not meet anyone whatsoever for years and years unless they've never left the house...I mean unless you're an agoraphobic perhaps going out in public would make more opportunities likely, then again as I said I don't have much luck hanging out in public so you might not either.

Also i was not suggesting people should not look for love, more that getting careless due to impatience can sometimes bite you i the a**, and by not jumping in I don't mean not to pursue the relationship...more like actually evaluate and maybe not jump into intimacy so early at least i don't think I should jump into that so early, maybe others have different outcomes to that.

Some people aren't built for love at all and therefore looking or not looking will have no influence.

And how and when are you supposed to decide you're one of those?