Do Men with Asperger's Initiate Dates?

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That's awesome. Go get 'em!

Shy NT men may have the same problems. They do not want to be "the man", as you put it. NT men are not the same; they are different. Some have the guts to ask a woman out, others have not. I believe that some autistics can approach a woman (that is also: to initiate a date) and others cannot or dare not.

I'm bored enough today to make a decent point here: I'm fine with takining initiative, I just tend to have an uncommon perspective - some of us are just too far out there to suggest the usual dinner & movie. I stick to fun outdoors stuff & concerts. Ordinarily it's the girls around me with a clearer idea of how to define a date, it's all just supoosed to be fun though so that's what I usually focus on.

Dates work OK for NTs to guess at where things are going, I meanwhile prefer actually going places.

This. Women also want to initiate too. It sounds superficial or old fashioned to just expect men to go and ask women out. That era is over. Women now step up and ask men out. You would be very lucky to have a women asking you out, but it is also lucky for a women being asked out by a man. So its equal. No matter who you are, with or without disabilities, introverted or extroverted. Shy or confident. It just happens. The person must be confident to ask someone out, in way of liking you. It same for both ways.

I don't want to ask out random strangers. I wouldn't want to ask anyone else until I already know a bit about her, had a feeling there's likely some chemistry and know we have some common interests. My problem is that there are no women at all in my social circle so I have no way to get to that point with women.

I'll answer in sections:

Ever initiate dates? - Yes, but rarely due to inability to 'read' if the woman is interested or not. That means body language/voice tone/use of verbal nuances. To give you an example, at a job long ago I *really* liked one of my coworkers. I worked there for 6 years and interacted with her on a daily basis (work stuff mostly not chit chat but chit chat came in between work stuff). When she left, after she left, I got asked by many in the office if I didnt like her... I asked why and they replied that she had been hitting on me for years... well gdamn nobody told me and I was completely unaware because it was REALLY subtle stuff I was blind to. For me to initiate a date I literally just resign myself to be rejected and just ask because I've no way of knowing if the yes will come (and it does, like once ever 4 years)...so its more of a 'i like her, have crossed words a few times..... i'll ask her out...' shot in the dark.


'I want the man to be the man' - Just stop there. If you know the guy has AS you need to get over this attitude. Not just on this subject but in any other preconceptions you have of 'who wears the pants'. It just will not apply. Want a preview? Go watch clips of Mr. Spock and Mr. Data from Star Trek then watch the first 20 minutes of Jim Carey's 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' .. particularly the scene in the train... and you'll get the idea.

'What is the best way to let an aspie man know that you want for him to initiate? Do aspie men get upset if you push them a little and ask them to initiate? ' - Stop 'letting him know' and just say it directly or ask him out yourself. No we dont push back or feel upset, heck if anything it'd be the best thing that happens that day. We do not 'get' the 'subtle' hints you normally use on NT's. Words with triple meaning/innuendo do not exist for us except as a subject of frustration.... if you say something to him, mean what you say not hint what you mean.


Do aspie men want to be like NT men and seen as the man? - Most 'alpha male' routines are illogical and make no sense to us. You know the phrase 'mind over matter'? For us its more like 'logic over ego'. Logic: I'm male, you know I am, why do I need to act like an arrogant jerk to others to prove it?

Do they struggle with initiating? - Absolutely. Its like getting teeth pulled out.

Do aspie men have real emotions toward their girlfriend? - Yes. Be aware they are not displayed the same way as NT. Body language and verbal communication isnt our strong suit. Aka he can say 'I like you' or 'I love you' and its 100% what he means. Its my observation that most NT couples say those things as if it was just expected to be said and part of a greater plan of verbal masturbation of each other's egos. Just saying it as I see it.

What are the signs that aspie men will display when the strongly like or love a girl - when they don't verbalize it? - Actions. He will do little things (or try to) to make you happy... constantly. He may be overly attentive (listening = learning, learning about you = learning how better to make you happy by doing things, listening = im not talking which avoids much problems), he may do things that require a lot of attention/detail/planning for you, etc. For example I once spent 7 hours cooking a single, perfectly presented/adorned meal from scratch for a girl ..and she ate it in 15 minutes. It wasn't until like a few months later that she realized just how damn difficult and long it was to make all that from scratch.

Yes, but as many here later I found out that many women love to lie and that hurts a lot. It was always the same: either "I don't really have time" followed by completely ignoring me, calling the date off last moment or not showing up at the date at all. Never have I had a clear, straight to the face rejection. Never had I had someone that would go through with the date even if it was just to try let alone someone ask me out for a change. Rejection hurts but straight up lies in your face hurt much more. They demoralize, make you lose hope and make you lose confidence in yourself. It is downright unfair that we should have to go through the effort and build up the courage and not even receive a honest answer.

The only reason I might find it emasculating is that I’ve read and heard it so many times that it seems there’s something wrong with me for not feeling that way.

I think I should point out that in my experience, women in general might be more likely to lie to mask their own anxieties, although I have met some girls who don't. Guys certainly do as well, sometimes that's a survival skill for anybody. To the ladies' their credit, it's more often by omission than direct lying in person, everyone but the craziest of the crazy takes issue with lying. The more I read here the more I'm convinced this presents varying degrees of difficulty to different people. The way I see it, I needn't trust everything someone says in order to trust them. Also, as far as I can remember, the busy response is usually true these days. I and most people I know really are busy, some days I think we enjoy the struggle to make time for everybody.

If it could be called at date and if it could be called initiation I guess I did.

very glad to hear that!

Perhaps you should just initiate. I know that if I like someone I would want to be the one initiating.

I say this because that way I can choose who I want to spend my time with.

As an aspie girl, I often find that NT males come up to me and want to flirt and I am just not interested in their advances. I show that I am not interested but they still do it anyways. This is highly annoying and might be why I am slightly against males initiating- because I don't want them to.

As a female, I can tell when a guy is into me and I find the shyness of Asperger's very cute. You just may be his dream girl if you are the one to initiate because you have relieved him of the stress of having to do it himself. You can't be so old-fashioned in your thinking when you are trying to begin a relationship with an Aspie because some of the tried and true ways of courtship do not work.

ya it would be awesome and nice if more girls made the first move

I actually think it is much better for girls to initiate. If they are sick and tired of being hit on by guys who they do not like and wishing "Mr. Right" would just ask them out- they can just ask Mr.Right out themselves and be done with it. Get to the point, I say!

miss-post

sadly I don't ever see this becoming a norm