How to raise my Boyfriend's Self-Confidence

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My Aspie boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years now, and things have been good for the most part. We have our disagreements here and there, but we always manage to work through them somehow or another. There's just one problem we've made little to no improvement on. My boyfriend has very little self-confidence, especially when it comes to our relationship. From the start of our relationship he's always said how he's no good for me. That I'm out of his league, looks-wise and intellectually. And that he has no idea why someone such as myself would want to be with someone like him, someone who's awkward and has a difficult personality. Just telling him that I love him isn't enough to make him understand, so I've tried listing things that I find attractive about him, to no avail. I figured this would be something that would be solved with time, by me staying by his side, and showing him he's the person I want to be with. I've been with him so long, and he says he trusts me, but why does he still feel like I'll leave him all of a sudden? I really don't know what to do for him. What can I do to make him not worry so much?

Have you thought about couples counseling? Perhaps with the help of a therapist you could learn some techniques together (he needs to make an effort too, not just you) to help boost his confidence. If his self-esteem is that low you can't be expected to fix it for him--he needs to want to fix it himself, as well. A couples therapist could help you both figure it out.

Have you tried getting to the heart of the issue? Asking him why he thinks he's not good enough for you? Maybe try challenging his logic. For example, ask him why would you still be with him if he wasn't good enough for you? What would make you stay for as long as you have?

A couples therapist might be a good route to take, but I think even just getting the boyfriend to see a therapist one on one would yield the same results.

There is one sure-fire way: propose marriage; that should prove that you intend to stay.

on a more serious note (although i was only half-kidding, it might be too soon for the two of you), the counselling (both couples and him personally) might be the way to go, worst-case; you'll find out the root of the issue, with some luck, you'll make headway into solving it

How did you two even meet in the first place and who initiated the date or relationship first? Are you his first gf ever?

puzzles-breaking, best way to beat a an aspie at their own thinking, or aleast ware them down enough that they don't feel so crappy. or honestly just say, you are with him, because it is your choice, you see what everyone else overlooks, what he overlooks. and don't tell him what it is, let him search and guess. he might allow himself the benefit of a doubt.

Were you able to answer his question? Other than the "because I love you" answer?

Do you know why you love him? That's very important for him and mostly for you.

Because if you don't know why, then this could be the heart of the issue.

I promise...if you put yourself on his lap, and embrace him, his confidence will be raised.

I completely disagree, as true confidence comes from within. You can tell your boyfriend he's wonderful, that you love him and that you're with him for those reasons but whether he believes it is 100% up to him. You cannot make him confident. You shouldn't try to make him confident because it isn't actually within your power to do so.

Also, it is unhealthy to establish a dynamic where you are responsible for emotionally propping the boyfriend up. It sets you up for codependency which is utterly miserable for all involved.

Unfortunately it's his issue and you can do nothing about it. you should keep being a good partner, he's going to be a lot happier with you than without you. As we aspies struggle finding relationships with people who care.

Unhealthy... because one is not to be stepped out of their traditional gender norms.

Huh?? I'm confused.

Because stereotypically (sp?), boyfriends prop up their girlfriends when the latter are down or have self esteem issues. Uprising is referring to this traditional dynamic as often observed and portrayed in media.

Uprising is being sarcastic and telling you that it's okay for the reverse case to exist as well - and that you are strengthening this stereotype by picturing him as a bad boyfriend material because of his esteem issue; it's OK if he's the weak while she's the strong; it's OK if she's the leader while he's the emotionally codependent. And I agree with him, If it's OK for an non confident, emotionally codependent and weak guy to be in a relationship with an emotionally stronger girl. And you, are not obligated to date anyone like this.

Instead of being a homewrecker, let her try to prop him up.

This is probably your best path.

It will take much time and love.

Why does it bother you? Let him be. Are you trying to turn him into some image in your head that he should be? Trying to fix him will not help. It will make his confidence issues worse. Like telling him he is broken. Can you see what I mean here?

Instead, perhaps try to only support his strengths (sincerely without exaggeration). You can bring out his best parts if you stop looking at the "flaws".

Would it not bother you to hear someone you love say unkind things about themselves all the time like they are not worthy of your company or your love? If I really cared for someone it would hurt me to hear them speak of themselves that way, because words like that come from a place of pain and low self-esteem and I would feel bad if the person I loved felt that way all the time. I don't want someone I love to be hurting like that. She is not the one telling him he is broken, he is the one telling her that over and over again, after two years of her telling him she loves him and all the reasons why she loves him and thinks he is wonderful and right for her. If after all that he is still so low and doubtful of his worth to her it speaks to chronically low self-esteem that needs clinical help (talk therapy is usually best for such things) to clear up. Why live your life hating yourself and thinking the people in your life are better off without you, if you can learn to love yourself and feel like you contribute positively to the lives of the people who love you and that they are glad to have you around?