Men Want to Fix Things but Women Don't?

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One of the weird things my dad once told me was that when it comes to fights or disagreements men immediately try to fix things and sometimes that's not what women want. So far in my experience this seems to be true. I'll run into a relationship bump, and then offer ways to make things better, but all she seems to want in that moment is a hug, or could use a hug. I'll state my list, and she'll seem distant.

Why is this seemingly true? Maybe I just suck?

Apparently male and female brains have some differences to them.
I've once read a book about this. Apparently male brains are more hunt-oriented while female brains are more eager to keep social harmony.
So since hunting is very goal-oriented, men's brains tend to systemize more and offer solutions to their women, who just want social interaction.

INB4 "so wrong!", "you evil man!", "all male propaganda!", "the phrasing is politically incorrect!".
Hey, I simply read a book and talk about it.

It varies from man to man and woman to woman. I don't think you can generalize genders.

Me, I'm a teller-and-get-it-over-with-er, who copes poorly with keep-track-of-small-stuff-and-blow-up-about-all-of-it-a-month-later-er.

Consider that a hug *is* fixing it emotionally. Some people (regardless of gender) really don't like strife or the distance it can create; fixing that first may be their first priority so they can feel up to fixing the practical problem.

Generally speaking, women seem to be more interested in expressing their feelings about their problems and seeking concensus solutions, while men seem more interested in fact-finding and reaching a resolution.

In other words, women are process-oriented while men are result-oriented. This is not always the case, but it is the way to bet.

This is an interesting way of saying this.

I may just be over-generalizing what my AS experiences are (if I am please let me know) however, I always here this Male/Female dichotomy BS and am just left scratching my head, outside of physical size differences and men occasionally being physically more intimidating/threatening I don't understand the supposed "mental" differences.
They never make any sense to me...they make it seem like only mean use logic and only men understand solutions...

With the way Fnord said it, they are BOTH solutions, but just different ways of getting about the same thing.

...
The only other thing I could think about was maybe that the issue you want to discuss brings about cognitive dissonance and is painful to discuss directly so they want to put it on hold for a while and then ruminate about it and deal with it later.
I'm not sure.

For me sometimes I just don't know honestly how I feel about something so when a partner asks me how I feel I just don't have an answer and I just stare back blankly.
I'm VERY alexithymic and don't understand my own feelings to things until I think about them for a really long time, and it is very hard for me to talk about that with other people, so maybe when you come charging in with solutions and a gameplan for putting everything on the table they just don't want or can't deal with it in that moment, and so go for a more straight-forward "hey a hug feels good, so yeah let's just do that."

Btw, OP I freaking love your avatar! I love Hyperbole and a half XD her comic is awesome!

I can't stand for there to be turmoil in any of my close relationships for long. There's a brief period of time where I want to feel angry or upset at someone just to experience the emotion, then I will go nuts trying to make it right again.

From everything I've seen, this isn't a "man vs woman" thing. I've seen many men who refuse to talk about stuff and fix problems and relationships, and I've seen many women who are the same way.

I wouldn't be able to be with someone like that. I need to work stuff out, I need to reach solutions to problems.

I try my best to avoid conflict.

I'd rather obtain the optimal result than use the optimal process.

Making use of an optimal process could lead to a bad result.

A seemingly lousy process could lead to a great result.

I think of a baseball metaphor:

A batter could have a really great swing--but can't hit the ball!

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 19 Nov 2015, 10:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

Women don't need to because they can offload work to men, which frees them up for child-rearing/gestation.

Hence why men have muscles and women do not.

Men manipulate the land; women manipulate men.

Pretty sure everyone has muscles, maybe not very strong or built up ones...but you can't move without muscles.

An alternate view: most (but not all) women have been socialized to focus on the process of negotiation as a strategy for fixing things and getting results. The list you have, and her 'need for a hug' are different strategies for fixing a perceived need you both share - to strengthen the relationship so that it satisfies both of your needs.

She may unconsciously believe, due to socially mediated programming starting in early life, that physical intimacy 'makes things better' whereas you have been socialized to believe that listing the problems and taking concrete steps to fix them will lead to a better result.

You both have idealized processes for fixing things, but they're different, based on differing ideas about how results are achieved. What could help is negotiation. Or maybe see if she can come up with her own list, and you can develop the habit of giving hugs before they're requested?

Also, it could be that her social network of female friends (assuming has one) is giving her feedback on what to expect, demand, and offer in the relationship. You might not be fully aware of the influence of that, but it could be very helpful to remember that the influence of a woman's female friends and relatives can be very strong.

A pretty cogent analysis

This goes back to elementary school: I would rather give the right answers than show my work.