AS partner wants to end relationship - advice needed please

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I don't really understand that, either. Perhaps he sees admitting it as some kind of a "failure" and failure is one thing he doesn't cope well with.
Of course the hopeful part of me sees it as he's not 100% committed to ending things, so doesn't want to make it public

It's been a stressful weekend - I took my youngest out yesterday to give him plenty of space and when we came home, he was out and had obviously been for the day. He came in several hours later, daughter and I were in the other room playing Pictionary - he joined in like everything was normal between us, laughing and joking etc. Once daughter was up to bed, it had clearly taken a toll on him and he was uncomfortable but offered to make a late supper for us, and then watched TV, relaxing again and chatted about the show.
I asked very little of him and showed no curiosity about where he'd been etc beyond asking if he'd had a nice day. When he began to give details I just "ummm" ed politely but didn't push.
After an hour or so I could see he was getting overwhelmed and unhappy again, so I said goodnight and went to bed with no fuss, calmly/cool.
Last night was too much for him I think because today he didn't come down from the bedroom until mid afternoon and was highly irritable and anxious to the point of almost being panicky when I had to speak to him just to pass on information.

I ignored it and him (politely distant) and carried on with what daughter and I were doing in the other room.
He's now gone out to take part in his special interest so won't be back for a few hours.

It's tricky to be out of the house as much as I'd like, with the kids - daughter wasn't feeling well today and the weather was nasty so she really wanted to stay at home, so although I knew the very fact I was in the house was stressful for him, I needed to put my daughters needs first.

I don't get why he subjected himself to being around me last night, as it seems to have set him back. If he tries it again tonight I will pull back and remove myself from the situation I think.

I recently ended a relationship the same way he did. My guess as to why he doesn't want to tell other people about the breakup is that he wants to be fair to you. He doesn't want to cause drama with other people. He also probably is still working though his feelings about the breakup. He is just doing it intermally not talking to you about it. He probably can't articulate these things to you because he hasn't figured them out himself. Did you say he was seeing a counselor with you? If so can the therapist explain things to him? Perhaps the therapist will have more clout because of being a mental health professional.

I think you've got a good point there about him wanting to avoid drama, he is definitely a very private person who isn't big on discussing personal things - even with close friends or family.

We went to see a counsellor a few weeks ago, but we only had one appointment with her because she had a family emergency just after the first session and had to stop seeing a bunch of clients, including us.
I just found someone locally who has experience with NT/ND couples, and am waiting to hear back with an appointment date.

So this week has been a real turnaround...a couple of nights ago he said that he didn't want to lose me and the girls, and that he wanted to fix things

I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off the both of us, but I'm taking things cautiously! I'm maintaining plenty of physical and emotional space, physical intimacy is completely off the table, and I'm not discussing anything potentially sensitive or upsetting, just mostly keeping things light-hearted...I know that can't be maintained in the long term, but for now I think we probably need to just not stress over being in each others company.
I know realistically he doesn't feel the way he did about me, but I also see that he is trying very hard to give it a fair chance to get back on track again.
Fingers crossed!

You go girl! You're doing everything exactly right, he looks like he's feeling a lot freer now that you have given him, and are continuing to give him plenty of space. I'm so pleased for you! Carry on!

Great news

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Let him come to you if he doesn't for a while then maybe lightheartedly mention it way before bed time so he knows your open to the idea. He might be unsure of his boundaries.

Last edited by ZD on 19 Nov 2015, 4:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

As other people have said,it sounds like it really is over. Not telling anyone may be about not wanting drama.

There are a lot of negative responses on this board. A lot of the time they are justified, but not in this case.

It won't be easy, it doesn't come naturally to me to be patient! But I can wait - he's a good 'un



Cheers

Thanks ZD, you and a couple others here have been really helpful.
I'll definitely try it! I'm not great at being patient, but I know anything intimate will freak him out and push him away right now.

In the past, I've waited until bedtime and then ambushed him with nagging or complaints about (lack of) intimacy...I know it was the wrong way to go about it, it definitely made bedtime in general very tense and stressful for us both.

I feel much more in control of the situation, and my behaviour overall - he needs to decide when he's ready.
But I'll remind him that I'm open to the idea in a lighthearted way

There's very little that is universal about people on the spectrum, but the idea of letting them come to you is nearly so. I like to be near people for a while and observe them before I interact with them. If they ask me too many personal questions or seem overly-friendly, I want nothing to do with them.
If you have done something that's shaken your boyfriend's trust in you, or his belief that he truly knows who you are, then you may have reset this process. He may need to be near you but not with you for a while, in order to recalibrate his thoughts about you and the relationship.

I can't offer a lot of good advice--if he wants to leave, he's an adult and you can't stop him.

But here is a small piece of insight into an aspie mind (mine, anyway) that i see no one has mentioned yet and i must tell it in a story since that is how i think:

I too have a terrible time forgetting a hurt. I forgive--i don't wish ill on the person who hurt me--but i often cannot stand to be touched by the person and have a difficult time being nice to them. If they hurt me and it has never been made right, i just want them to go on with their life away from me. The longer it goes after the hurt, the less I want to see the person or have anything else to do with them.

The only person who ever broke this cycle was my brother-in-law. We had had a family disagreement within my husband's family which boiled down to my husband's and my AS traits (i am more disabled by mine, but hubby has some significant AS traits as well--which were being interpreted by hubby's family as "you two just don't care about the family"--which was far from the truth) This was a huge point of contention between his extended family and us (with my husband's parents, siblings, and their spouses on one side, hubby and i on the other).

Hubby's oldest sister's husband had been a good friend to both hubby and i before he became our brother-in-law. We had known him for years and hung out together as teenagers. But he too sent us a nasty email in anger over the situation, which fed fuel to the fire which was already burning.

I was frustrated with the whole thing and spoke briefly to my brother-in-law after a meeting of a community organization we both take part in. He asked if he could come over to our house after the meeting and talk to hubby and myself about the situation. He seemed to truly want to mend things if possible. We agreed and it was the best thing he could have done.

He apologized for his hasty words and told us he had been hurt over something that we had done unintentionally--hubby and i had not even realized that we had hurt him before he said so. We love him dearly and would never have hurt him on purpose. After patching things up, we have a better friendship with him than before and we trust him. I know that if we have further problems, we can talk them out instead of being beat over the head with "you just don't care about the rest of us," which is the view that the rest of hubby's family still takes.

This was about 7 years ago and the rest of hubby's family has never apologized. We have come to somewhat of a peace within the family but things have never been the same with the rest of them. The brother-in-law who came and talked with us--with us, rather than ranting at us--is the only one of all of them that hubby and i both truly trust. If he had not been willing to listen as well as talk, that never would have happened.

I don't know all the dynamics of your argument, but this is just how one situation looks from the view of 2 aspies.

I noticed this as well.



I have just realised this is what I have been trying to say can never get things down correctly

Thanks, Yippy - I think you've hit the nail on the head when you mention shaking his trust in me...I get from what he says that he feels as if he doesn't know who I really am, and is feeling like I'm not the same person he fell in love with.
To me, it's not quite so back and white. I think while I may not be the same person he fell in love with, I'm also not the same person who was so unpredictable when taking medication that effected me so negatively. He has every reason to not trust me - I changed in a way that neither of us could have ever predicted.

Given time, I hope he will see that I'm safe. It breaks my heart to hear him say things like he doesn't feel safe with me
I think it's going to be a matter of showing him. All the words in the world won't make a difference - he needs to see the change in me.

Things are improving, but it is going to be a painfully slow process.

Thanks for the insight, it's very useful to hear how things may be impacting him. Everyone is different of course, but I see lots of things expressed by members on the forum that make me think "oh that sounds like him!", and it's reassuring and helpful.

I'm glad that your brother-in-law persisted and worked with you and your husband to mend things