Dating issue for a outsider - one sided
Yeah she likes the new things called 'loom bands' and makes bracelets and teddy bears and such out of them and might spend a whole day just on one 'project' + her video games.
Ugh tell me about it. I'm fine with meeting her halfway and next time I see her suggesting meeting up just once per week instead of see each other 3 or 4 times a week then spend nearly 3 weeks apart.
I don't consider myself needy or clingy or anything, either. As an aspie it usually takes me 3-4 days of no kind of contact from her or my best friend until I start to feel lonely/ignored.
I don't send 50 messages a day or anything, just here and there. I messaged once after the end of our last date, and two times after that (a week after the date, then two). Got a response, and messaged one more time after that.
I value independence but for now feels like I could be dropped just like clickthatclick.
Hm?
Yeah pokemon series is what she's really into.
Anyway yeah once a week is reasonable to ask of anyone really and then you can look forward to the next meet-up. Yeah it's more...'set'/confirmed.
Instead of what happened to me - The second week of our relationship we hung out 3 times - Monday, Thursday and Friday and now haven't seen one another in over 2 weeks.
Agreeing to meet once a week makes you feel more comfortable knowing you'll see them once every week unless they cancel and even then they would agree only in the most dire of circumstances.
I'd just say about your girlfriend maybe she isn't good at online communication/doesn't like it very much mine isn't though earlier in the relationship she was willing to chat much more online but did admit to me when she saw me she did find it a bit annoying because I'd message '5 minutes before/after each time we meet up in real life, and you always seem to message just when I'm trying to watch my shows'. etc. so I do it less often but have gotten less messages from her as well.
Maybe there's a low, low chance she's actually seeing all theses posts I make on WP about her. If so, I'm f•cked.
Does she even know about WP?
Not that I know of and I see no such reason why she would. Just apart of my irrational paranoia.
Perhaps it's attributed to the reason she hasn't really wanted anything to do with me. Possibly finding me making posts after post about her seeing my behavior as wrong or obsessive.
But, it's all just paranoid and in my head.
Either way, I'm getting so tired and depressed of waiting. The ball's technically been in her court for ages now and all I've done is express my concerns/how I feel about spending time away from her.
If she doesn't get back to me soon perhaps I should take the initiative and just fricken ask.
I think expectations plays a big role. If I expect to see a girl several times a week, then I'd feel ignored if I don't see her for a week or so. But if I expect to see a girl once a month, then I won't feel ignored until two months has passed. Also, when I had my school crushes, not seeing the girl during summer was no problem. I can even handle only seeing a girl a few times a year, but that is probably my personal limit. Beyond that, I need to make it imaginary.
If the girl has a longer preferred time between seeing each others, then if you accept meeting her more seldom she might want to make even less contact with you. That's probably not because she ignores you, rather she moves the time between seeing each others to more fit her preferences. So in order to keep a healthy balance, you probably shouldn't accept that she drags it too far.
Though being on the spectrum myself, I have recently experienced this with a girl. When I first met her after having a few drinks with some friends and her and departing from her I wanted to give her a hug. She thought I wanted to hit her . So that was the first sign that she didn't understand some things completely. Later we had our first real date. Whenever I would make a comment she didn't really respond to it and she kept rambling on about her dogs and her views on vegetarianism (I'm a vegetarian myself, so I share a lot of the views luckily). At the date itself I was a bit baffled by her behaviour, although I still thought her very cute. In the car back home it certainly started to dawn on me that she showed all symptoms of ASD.
Best thing in my point of view is to focus more on verbal communication than on non-verbal communication. Moreover, if she is not showing interests naturally you should just communicate by telling stories etc. I know from my own experience that even if I don't immediately show it on the outside, this doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not interested in what someone is telling me. The key is to try to understand how aspies work (however not every aspie works completely the same, treat her as a person first and as an aspie second) and adjust your communication to that. That is, only if you are willing to invest in her. There is nothing evil in breaking things off with a person you don't feel you're going to establish a connection with. That she is a probable aspie doesn't mean that you should stay with her out of pity.
Also, I haven't read a lot about what makes her worth it for you to date her. Maybe focus on that a bit more.
I think expectations plays a big role. If I expect to see a girl several times a week, then I'd feel ignored if I don't see her for a week or so. But if I expect to see a girl once a month, then I won't feel ignored until two months has passed. Also, when I had my school crushes, not seeing the girl during summer was no problem. I can even handle only seeing a girl a few times a year, but that is probably my personal limit. Beyond that, I need to make it imaginary.
If the girl has a longer preferred time between seeing each others, then if you accept meeting her more seldom she might want to make even less contact with you. That's probably not because she ignores you, rather she moves the time between seeing each others to more fit her preferences. So in order to keep a healthy balance, you probably shouldn't accept that she drags it too far.
I never had the expectation we'd see each other a few weeks though - I wasn't sure exactly what her needs would be.
I think the only reason we hung out so much the second or third week was because it would have still been the 'honey moon' stage and it appears she's settled down - a little too much for my taste.
Once a week is all I ask, and this is what I wanted to discuss with her - not online though, which is very limiting. I'd rather talk to her about it in real life, if she even does want to ever see me again.
And I agree - any relationships or friendships require consistent, constant contact to remain intact. This is just starting to get a bit ridiculous. I've been so patient and now I am starting to communicate my own needs to her and how I feel and have taken the iniative and asked her to hang out again myself instead of leaving the ball in her park when it seems she'll never take the iniative.
"There is nothing evil in breaking things off with a person you don't feel you're going to establish a connection with. That she is a probable aspie doesn't mean that you should stay with her out of pity.
Also, I haven't read a lot about what makes her worth it for you to date her. Maybe focus on that a bit more."
In my case I'm going to over-time communicate my concerns more and more and if she doesn't get the message even when I'm open, honest and obvious, I'll have to break-up with her. My gf isn't even an aspie. Actually kind of disappointing there are two people here I can relate to but both are dating aspie women.
That's good advice to NTs meeting neurodiverse people, and also the reverse, but it's not really useful when neurodiverse people meet other neurodiverse people. When you (as somebody neurodiverse) detect that your "date" (or friend) is also neurodiverse, the best thing to do is to just let all your adaptations and cultural learnings go. Just forget about them. Also, forget about trying to interpret what the other person is feeling, forget about reading facial expressions and social rules. Stop faking facial expressions if you do that. At first it needs some conscious effort to just forget everything that makes you "fit in" with NTs, but once you've done it a few times it starts to come natural. The nice thing is that the other person often also does the same thing. It's kind of contagious. In this state people start using their natural communication style, so you really don't need to be very verbal or explain things in great detail. The best thing is that you can ignore the NT rule of constant conversation and just sit there totally quiet with your girl if you like.
I think the only reason we hung out so much the second or third week was because it would have still been the 'honey moon' stage and it appears she's settled down - a little too much for my taste.
The worst thing is such a sudden change in frequency, especially going from often to seldom, and for no apparent reason either. These kind of things drives me nuts, and generate some really bad feelings towards the girl, so it would not be a good idea to do that to me.
Right. You cannot leave the ball in her park because she appears to want to see you much less frequently than you do, so you have to take initiative in order to keep the frequency at something you are content with.
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